Bed wetting hell, AIBU to want them gone?

[GoldieLocks09]

This may be a long one, so I’ll try and keep it as brief as I can..

BIL has been going through a rough time recently and his relationship ended, which meant he didn’t have anywhere to live - he asked to move in with me, DH and our 2 DS (2 & 5).. he has 2 of his own DS (10 & 12) from a previous relationship (not the recently split one) who stay with him 3-4 days a week, we’ve made it work but obviously there’s been challenges - the house is busy, loud and there’s plenty of bickers between the kids but there’s also been a lot of love and laughter in what’s been a difficult time for everyone involved.

We have a guest room with a double bed, which BIL and DN (10) sleep in, and DN (12) is on the bottom bunk in my eldests room which is usually unused. We’ve recently renovated our house and all bedrooms have new carpets, beds, mattresses, bedding.

DN (10) has always struggled with bet wedding since he was young, however in the 3 months they’ve been staying here, 95% of the time he has wet through. I’ve spoken to BIL about it and asked if he can put him in nappies, which he has, but he soaks through them, I’ve bought an incontinence sheet to try and protect the mattress a bit more, but every time they’re here BIL will strip the under sheet and wash it, but doesn’t seem to get that the other layers will need it too - there’s a lot of wee, I’ve even had to wash the duvet a few times. He also is embarrassed about it, and often it won’t be ‘found’ for hours and hours if he gets up a bit later or they go straight out and in this heat it’s so grim as he won’t tell anyone it’s happened and will often put his wet through pants and pj shorts just on the floor onto the brand new carpet.

I feel bad as it’s not his fault, but we’ve worked hard to make the room nice for guests which is often used by family and friends (obv not as much recently) but the sheets and mattress just aren’t going to last and I’m already noticing marks on the carpet where I’ve realised his wet clothes have been dumped and I’ve tried to clean to get the smell out. How do I handle this? I feel like I’m ready to say they need to find another living solution as I just can’t take it happening every time. It’s like BIL is so used to it, he does the minimum clean up which to me isn’t enough, but even if he did what I do when they go, everything’s going to get wrecked..

AIBU to say I can’t take anymore of this?

This is entirely on your bil, as pp say, he should be checking every time, doing the washing, changing the bed, no idea why you seem to be doing this (unless I’m reading it wrong). He should be replacing any wrecked bedding/mattresses/duvet.

Is there an end date in sight? Where is he staying when he doesn’t have the dc? Is he not able to provide a place for them?

Sounds like your BIL needs sitting down and the expectations made very clear that he does the work associated with the bed wetting if he wants to continue living in your home.

Great ideas here about laundry tub , little rug proper incontinence pants etc .

i just came to say that ‘Kylie’ incontinence pads are great. They are very large absorbent bed pads that the person lies on, and soak up huge amounts of liquid. They are used in care homes etc but I used them for years for my child who wet the bed. Don’t use fabric softener when you wash them as stops them working properly. You can buy them on amazon.

i think your BIL is being lazy and entitled in expecting you to do all of this extra work.

im sorry about your mattress, its probably a gonner after they move out x

Ah these are the ‘Kylie’ sheets I was talking about. They are really great aren’t they!

Is there a deadline on him staying?

These are known as kylie sheets - used in care homes etc, and are really effective l agree. My mum, who is in the advanced stages of dementia, lives with us, and l have found these invaluable. As you say - mattress protector, then bedsheet and Kylie on top. They’re soft absorbent cotton and tuck in either side of the mattress so they don’t move. They’ve been a life saver for me.

That’s a bit harsh. OP is doing her best to provide a temporary home for them.

Sorry haven’t read the full thread but I feel for your nephew. He must feel awful. My DS was similar. It’s a medical issue and he needs to see his GP who will refer him hopefully to the enuresis clinic. Desmopressin tablets will stop the bed wetting immediately (though I can only speak for my DS as they worked straight away for him). Your BIL needs to get his DS to the GP right away. The longer this goes on the more shame and humiliation the boy will feel.
And I know how exhausting it must be for you. I was at the end of my rope and I only have my DS to worry about!

This.

You are kindly giving him a place to stay, not offering housemaid services. His morning routine needs to include dealing with his child's wee situation so he works out how long that takes and sets the morning alarm appropriately.

Sorry but bed wetting to that extent at 10 is not normal and a clear sign that either there are additional needs or a medical issue.

Your BIl and his ex need to step.uo and get their son some help.

That poor child must be utterly humiliated.

I get its a massive issue for you and I'd be pissed at your bil because this is his situation to resolve.

Buy the proper waterproofing shirts and protectors as a short term solve. But ultimately bil needs to find himself adequate housing for him and his kids.

My 6yo is also in nappies at night, likely going to be for a while (at least) for medical reasons.

I change her at midnight, to reduce the risk of wetting through (she also sometimes 💩 in her sleep, so needs to be checked).

Is he happy for BIL to either wake him so he can change himself, or BIL to change him?

I would put several waterproof mattress protectors on at once and put a cheap rug down to protect the carpet in the short term. But BIL should be checking/stripping the bed every day and sorting it out

What a judgemental post, OP isn’t prioritising ‘stuff’ at all, she’s opened up her home to family in need without question, so she’s already the bigger person. There’s a simple solution in the excellent quality incontinence bedding available and no need to martyr herself in the way you’re suggesting.

it was a godsend for my son who was a bedwetter until about 13.

son took one dose and never wet the bed again (we were stunned it was that quick). wish we had started him on it sooner, but his dr at the time wanted to wait until he was 13.

Ah thats so tough OP. It's so lovely what you are doing.
I really feel for the boy though. He must be embarrassed. He's obviously going through a huge amount and imagine if the blame for being asked to leave yours was put on him due to the bed wetting. He would then carry so much guilt for him and his sibling having no place to stay.
As others have said - BIL needs to massively step up in terms of morning routine and checks and allowing time to sort.

I am amazed you have lasted this long. It is not acceptable at all. Ask them to move out.

Read riot act to bil. That he must strip the bed everyday and bring it down. Also change bedding to sheet and light blanket - easier to wash from experience
Have quiet chat with dn - get him a laudry wet bag so he can pop his wet clothes into it and bring it down and put next to washing machine - thos is what I did with my bed wetter.

BIL needs to actually parent. I wonder of you’ve been taking on the wife work, parenting, washing, making dinners and cleaning and it’s much easier to stay at yours than move out.

A Kylie sheet is the simplest solution, along with a coverless duvet if necessary. No need for the riot act with BiL, he just needs his brother to have a word with him and make it clear that he is responsible for sorting out the bed each morning. And OP shouldn’t be talking to the child - that’s for his dad to sort out. He’ll be embarrassed and even more so if he thinks the rest of the household know about it.

How compassionate !!

Maybe it’s time for your BIL to find a home for them all. Bed wetting aside, it can’t be a long term solution.

Has he seen anyone about it? DD had night time wetting issues for years, and had medication that helped greatly. She grew out of it a couple of years back (she's 15 now), but the doc explained it as a particular hormone not having been released yet, so she couldn't have done anything about it. Desmopressin she was on.

If not, his dad needs to get on that for the child's sake, otherwise sleepovers, cub camp etc will be very difficult.

In the meantime, dad needs to check the bed and room when he goes up to bed, and again each morning and take charge of the washing. He needs to buy the best mattress protectors money can buy (there are some very good ones) and really take this on. There is a very good spray that genuinely eliminates odours, I'll find it.

I was this kid, I bed wet until around 11-14.

I didn't tell adults because of the embarrassment. I would try and wash everything, but get it wrong. I would then hide things because being told off for something I couldn't help was awful, as a kid I didn't realise that hiding the stuff made it worse. We used to have birds that would be covered with an old sheet at night and I'd change my bed and use that. I know you're not telling him off, I'm just putting a potential other side forward for why your nephew may be hiding things and not telling anyone, could your brother in law be causing friction around it, causing your nephew to feel unsafe about it?

I also went through the NHS, several monitors, medication no drinks after 6pm etc. Nothing worked until my body just fixed itself.

I agree that somewhere for your nephew to put wet stuff, and a washable rug along with these Kylie sheets will help in the meantime. Nephew just has to know he's not doing anything wrong and will not get in trouble, even by your brother in law.

Am a little perturbed about the cocaine comment above? In the same room as he sleeping in bed with a child. I hope that's been sorted, it sounds like you're doing a lot for this family, and that is lovely of you ❤️

Aw, poor kid. It must be so hard for him. But pp’s are right. Your BIL needs to take care of this. Perhaps it would help to have a plastic laundry basket with a lid beside the bed for your nephew to chuck his wet clothes in as soon as he takes them off. Then your BIL should strip the bed and get everything into the washing machine. It’s so hard. Both my sons were wet at night until they were 8 and I also dealt with my elderly mum who had incontinence for a few years before she died. It’s not pleasant, but there are plenty of things out there which can protect mattresses and duvets. Most importantly though, your BIL should take his son to the GP, as he needs medical attention for his bed wetting. I know how easy it is to just keep dealing with the consequences and ignoring the problem, but he’s doing his son a disservice by not getting some help for this.

You sound like a lovely, caring auntie. That doesn’t change just because you want to protect your things.

I’m sympathetic towards the kid, but BIL needs to buy you a new mattress when they move out.

A 50/50 solution of white vinegar and warm water will eliminate the pee smell, and also a cup of white vinegar on a pre wash for the bedclothes before using detergent.