Bed wetting hell, AIBU to want them gone?

[GoldieLocks09]

This may be a long one, so I’ll try and keep it as brief as I can..

BIL has been going through a rough time recently and his relationship ended, which meant he didn’t have anywhere to live - he asked to move in with me, DH and our 2 DS (2 & 5).. he has 2 of his own DS (10 & 12) from a previous relationship (not the recently split one) who stay with him 3-4 days a week, we’ve made it work but obviously there’s been challenges - the house is busy, loud and there’s plenty of bickers between the kids but there’s also been a lot of love and laughter in what’s been a difficult time for everyone involved.

We have a guest room with a double bed, which BIL and DN (10) sleep in, and DN (12) is on the bottom bunk in my eldests room which is usually unused. We’ve recently renovated our house and all bedrooms have new carpets, beds, mattresses, bedding.

DN (10) has always struggled with bet wedding since he was young, however in the 3 months they’ve been staying here, 95% of the time he has wet through. I’ve spoken to BIL about it and asked if he can put him in nappies, which he has, but he soaks through them, I’ve bought an incontinence sheet to try and protect the mattress a bit more, but every time they’re here BIL will strip the under sheet and wash it, but doesn’t seem to get that the other layers will need it too - there’s a lot of wee, I’ve even had to wash the duvet a few times. He also is embarrassed about it, and often it won’t be ‘found’ for hours and hours if he gets up a bit later or they go straight out and in this heat it’s so grim as he won’t tell anyone it’s happened and will often put his wet through pants and pj shorts just on the floor onto the brand new carpet.

I feel bad as it’s not his fault, but we’ve worked hard to make the room nice for guests which is often used by family and friends (obv not as much recently) but the sheets and mattress just aren’t going to last and I’m already noticing marks on the carpet where I’ve realised his wet clothes have been dumped and I’ve tried to clean to get the smell out. How do I handle this? I feel like I’m ready to say they need to find another living solution as I just can’t take it happening every time. It’s like BIL is so used to it, he does the minimum clean up which to me isn’t enough, but even if he did what I do when they go, everything’s going to get wrecked..

AIBU to say I can’t take anymore of this?

BIL needs to be far more on top of this, often I found the mattress needed airing - getting off the bed to make sure the smell doesnt stay.

Firstly I’d swap the mattress for a cheap one which your BIL can buy and take with them when they go. I’d also get a waterproof rug and the plastic tub is a great idea- I have plastic washing baskets so to have one of those right by the bed to leave wet PJs etc.

While you really don’t want to be shaming the child this is something their body is doing and they need to be looking after themselves, they’ll need a shower every morning or they’ll be smelling of wee too and they need to be helping sort the bed. Especially if they are then somewhere they’re not being so well looked after they are going to need to become better at looking after themselves.

Poor child, really needs to see a medical professional for help

Yes. he needs to pay you for replacements when he moves out. He can buy them on credit. Places like Dreams do a certain period of interest free credit.

We had a week old mattress ruined by 9 year old DN.. His mother didn't even mention that it was a problem until afterwards. So they didn't give me a chance to put protective sheets (which i Had) or duvet covers - wet feather duvet!

and the poor boy was embarrassed about it and put the wet pjs back in the bed and covered it all up, we only realised it half a day later. Could have been avoided and made less of a mess if his mother had bothered to speak up before hand. Perhaps she was ashamed of it, but I think that rubbed off on the child.

Your BIL is NOT helping his son or parenting him properly.. He's letting you do the work and that is really poor. It's not a great situation but he's made it considerably worse for all concerned. He needs to wake up.

As awful as it is that DN's mum is such a crap parent, your BIL is just as bad.

He should
a. be protecting his son from the embarrassment that child must be feeling
b. protecting his son from your completely reasonable irritation and disgust
c. taking charge of finding out the cause, whether it's physical or psychological

Why isn't he able to provide a home for his children? I understand that he might have needed a little time to find a new place, but why did he not have security savings for this possibility, especially since he must have been paying out less when he was in the most recent relationship?

He's feckless, but also he's getting away with shit because he's male. Probably always has, possibly that is the root of the previous relationship's breakdown?

And - so is your DH. This is his brother - HE should be dealing with all the shit, both in terms of having the conversations and in terms of cleaning up if his brother won't. What has any of this domestic drudgery got to do with you?

If I were you I would have an absolutely no-holds-barred conversation with both of them. With BIL I would say all of the above, that he's outsourced his parenting to another woman (you) AGAIN and that he's now used up the goodwill and female socialisation that has kept you quiet previously.

If he immediately steps up to his parenting responsibilities - WHY for example is the 10yo being left to drift off unsupervised at bed time so he falls asleep without the nappy? - he can have a couple more months to sort another place. And that will not be a favour to him, but out of your sadness for his kids having two shit parents.

Otherwise, he's got a couple of weeks to sort out another place.

Is your nephew on medication that helps with bed wetting?
I know that he cannot help it but maybe your BIL should buy him a luxury air mattress and he could sleep in the same room as his Dad on that and his Dad deal with it all.Your nephew would still get a good night's sleep
You could tell him to replace the mattress and carpet now as it smells and not fair on your son.

Your BIL needs to go to the doctor and get help. DS was cured with desmopressan hormone.

I have dealt with this with a similar aged child and my DC8 is autistic and still in nappies.

Ive done/do the following

• adult incontinence nappies, or teen ones. Theres a couple of brands that were good, id be happy to look at my old amazon orders for the brand.
• bed wetting alarm
• nappy bin, I think its the Tommy tippee one we have, really good at keeping away smells and doesnt look babyish, id be happy to look through my amazon to find a link, it takes big nappies
• clean the mattress, I use Genie brand cleaners, the grease be gone is really good for stains and smells and has got poo out of a very light new grey carpet. And a spot wash carpet cleaner. And let dry.
• layering. This one has been the best for me. I do bed pad, waterproof protector, bottom sheet, bed pad, mattress protector, bottom sheet, bedpad, mattress protector, bottom sheet. This means if theres a leak, I just take off one "lot" (bottom sheet, mattress protector and bed pad) which is so much easier to change the bed as theres a fresh set underneath.
• as a duvet. I use a double size fluffy blanket folded in half and put into a normal single duvet cover. I have 2 of these so if one gets wet theres a spare ready. Having the double blanket in the single duvet means that I can grab it and chuck it straight in the wash and its much easier than trying to wash a duvet.
• doing it this way makes it easier to manage and is also a lot less embarrassing for the child as they dont have to see the duvet being washed and all the effort being put into changing the bed. And its all easier to wash and dry.
• bed time wee, no drinks after x time

Hope that helps

I am weak 😂😂

That wasn't Chat GPT, that was just me typing you absolute melt 😂. All from the inside of my own head, due to my own significant experience in this area 😮 I'll take that as a compliment though so thanks for that 😂

My previous post had NONE of the common occurences or 'tells' of AI generated speech btw (obviously not, because it wasn't. And something I know because I work in this area).

I'll add AI and Chat GPT, along with nighttime urinary incontinence in children, to the list of things you clearly know nothing about whilst pretending you do 😂

Sorry catching up on the thread - to be honest, I think the bed wetting is something that the full family have been aware of for a number of years. We don’t speak to DN about it, because we know he’s embarrassed and ultimately it is NOT his fault. Even if he should take a bit more responsibility as he gets older for wet clothes, making sure he goes before bed etc. this is definitely a medical issue, and I know there was talk some years ago of seeing the GP but we haven’t spoken about it properly as a family in a while.

BIL was with his most recent ex for 10 years, I asked older DN who came in the room when I was scrubbing the carpet one day. He’s very sympathetic and looks out for his younger brother, but shared that it’s a common theme at mums house, and was at BIL’s ex’s. But I have no doubt that this turbulent time has likely made it worse.

DH is doing everything he should be, I check a little more than him but am acting like a bloodhound right now! He will be the first to strip the full bed if not done, ring BIL to share that the clean up (if done) wasn’t good enough and has bought pull ups and speaks to BIL before bed to ensure that he’s had a wee, pull up is on (if not two). We’re not here to drag him down but when I speak about ‘me’ this is us as a family. Any further discussions will come from him directly or us as a unit to BIL.. although me and BIL have a good relationship directly.

I think we’re going to have to say that it needs to be a priority to raise with the GP for a referral. It no doubt will hold him back with friends, trips etc as he gets older so there’s nothing to lose to fix this. Thanks all for your recommendations of plastic sheets, alarms and tubs etc for clothes. I’ll compile a list and share with BIL for what we need to get sorted.

Great OP and hopefully for DN - if as a result of having stayed with you he will get the appropriate professional help and support.

You're right, it's not your nephew's fault, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with a ruined carpet/mattress. I understand he's probably morified about it (anyone would be, especially a child), but it's time to just have a direct conversation. 'Nephew, I know it's embarrassing right now, but you'll grow out of bed wetting. Until you do, every morning you need to put your wet PJs straight in the washing machine and tell me/your dad straight away if the bed needs to be changed. We're happy to change it, but it will cause damage if it's left all day.'

And tell your BIL how to change a bed properly (all wet sheets need to be washed and replaced, including the protective mattress covering).

He should have been seeing someone years ago for this . Its just neglect to ignore it and not get him help.
Its not just the constant clean up its the long term negative effects this will have on his mental health.
Obviously his dad was far more interested in getting high

Wow, OP, you are being so kind and patient in tough circumstances.

Totally agree that BIL needs to take responsibility for getting his son medical help as a priority if he’s not already. Your DH should ask him as soon as they can have a private conversation.

And he absolutely needs to take responsibility for proper checks and clean ups. I wonder if his poor behaviour with all this was a contributing factor to the end his last relationship?

Really sad that he doesn’t even support his son in a bedtime routine. 10 is still young and even more so as he’s been through so much. Bedtime routines are important for so many reasons at any age.

Another thought, is he ensuring that his son showers properly every morning? The last he needs is to be skipping this and at risk of being bullied.

Can’t imagine the psychological damage OP talking to her nephew like this would cause. And it’s not her place. His dad should be the one to talk to him, in private and away from the rest of the household, so that it’s just between the two of them. It’s also on his dad to check the bed in the mornings when he gets up and make sure that the washing is dealt with and the bed changed - not to mention getting his son to his GP for a referral to get him sorted.

In the meantime you need to buy a waterproof mattress protector (the ones with plastic underneath). That will at least protect the mattress. I would be tempted to get a clear carpet protector mat as well to put down beside and under the bed to protect your carpet.

Op can't wade through but it seems to me the bil needs to be told he's about to be thrown out before you do it

So he understands how serious you are and what you want him to do.

It feels very lazy of him and your sorting his mess so he's not getting it.

Tell him , sort this and specially say which parts and how egnwash all sheets don't leave wet clothes on the floor etc.

Or out.

Re the boy he's obviously deeply emotionally distressed again does he talk to anyone about it.

I bed wet age about 11 but only going to a friend hourse when I was having a tough time at home
It was only her house and only a few times her place was also much smarter than mine which added to it.
Second time I was 17 !! It was at my bf mum she lived in a different country !! I felt really insecure for some reason and wet the bed ! Mortifying having to explain that to his mum.

Both times I look back I was under immense emotional pressure and in homes very different to what I was used too. My home was good but mum was super super relaxed

He could have a range of conditions, including overactive bladder. He needs to be taken to GP as a matter of urgency. There are devices and meds that can help.

In the meantime - call nappies ‘pyjama pants’ for less embarrassment and DB must insist they’re put on with pjs. DB must ensure he goes to the loo before bed and no liquids 2-3 before bed. DB will have to get up earlier to sort.

Yes agree with all this.

That conversation would likely emotionally scar a DN for life.

My sen 11 yr old.wets the bed still and is on medication via.th3 continence clinic in our area

Sorry but all the adults here are letting this child down. He should be under the care of specialist support for this and I know waiting lists are long. I recommend asking school for help as they helped us through the school nurse system

By the way they dont recommend wearing pull ups when trying to resolve this

Dad should be keeping a b clear diary of all drinks and toilet trips as no help can be given without that.

Advice is 5 drinks each day before 5pm then try to drink very little after that . This makes the bladder take in more earlier in the day

'Emotionally scar'? I think that's rather extreme. At 10, they're smart enough to know that someone is aware they wet the bed - they won't think the sheets magically change themselves. Even a less direct, 'please put all dirty clothes straight in the wash basket/washing machine' statement is better than nothing. My child has known to do this since they were 2 - a 10 year old should certainly be putting all their dirty laundry in the wash basket (clearly they haven't been taught this by their parents, so I'm not blaming the child, but teaching them has to start at some point). It should be the child's dad addressing this (and doing all the washing and bed changing for all his kids), but he's clearly not. The OP has tried addressing it with the BIL and it seems this hasn't helped. The OP can either do something or nothing - it seems the nothing approach is no longer acceptable, as it's ruining the brand new mattress and carpet.

If I had such an expensive mattress, and my DN with a pre-existing bed wetting condition was staying, I'd have ordered or asked the Dad to contribute to a pair of decent waterproof mattress protectors in the early days of them arriving.

I don't understand the logic behind the adults in this scenario. At all.

He needs a GP appointment and a consistent drinking and pre bed routine and a check in the morning. All of this should be down to your BIL, who's already receiving a massive favour thanks to your hospitality. He might be going through a tough time, but he needs to step up and parent.

I don’t think it’s an exaggeration, shaming can absolutely cause emotional scars, even if that wouldn’t be OPs intention, she’s not the right one to have this conversation.

The boy is probably aware that others in the household know, and is embarrassed, but there really is no need for OP to compound this with a conversation - that’s down to his dad. And would you really want pee soaked clothes and bedding in the wash basket/washing machine with other clothes ? It’s up to his dad to provide a separate basket for the boy to put them in and also for his dad to ensure they’re washed separately.