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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit miffed - marriage.

195 replies

Maybeitsmable · 16/08/2025 23:31

I've been with DP for 7 years, we've discussed marriage previously and our thoughts on it. When we first met said he "doesn't believe in it", which later down the line changed to "it's expensive and a waste of money" and that he doesn't see the point in it.

Anyway our DD is 4 and today in conversation he said to her "daddy might have to walk you down the aisle one day". He was proud as punch at the thought.

AIBU to be a bit miffed? He envisions our DD getting married and it being a lovely celebratory event, but he doesn't see/want that for our relationship 😏

OP posts:
numbfromlife · 16/08/2025 23:34

So did you call him out on it later? It would upset me if he thought it was a good thing for his DD but not good enough for us.

BuffetTheDietSlayer · 16/08/2025 23:35

YABU. You chose to live and have a child with a man that doesn’t want you to be his wife.

TheBeesTrees · 16/08/2025 23:36

He's telling you how he really feels about you. If I were you Id actually listen and believe him. He's just not that into you

Original poster
Maybeitsmable · 16/08/2025 23:36

numbfromlife · 16/08/2025 23:34

So did you call him out on it later? It would upset me if he thought it was a good thing for his DD but not good enough for us.

I did at the time. I said "I thought you didn't believe in marriage?"

His reply was that our DD might believe in it 🙄

OP posts:
Buxusmortus · 16/08/2025 23:37

Why would you be miffed? You stayed with the man and had a child with him without being married, all your choice.

If you really wanted to be married you would have made it clear to him you wanted marriage and wouldn't have a child without marriage first. If he said no you presumably would have left. But you didn't, so why do you think he would miraculously change his mind?

He made his thoughts on marriage clear and you stayed with him. So why would you now feel pissed off, it makes no sense?

Makingpeace · 16/08/2025 23:37

Just because he doesn't want to get married doesn't mean his child won't too when they are older.

At least he has been clear from the start of your relationship that marriage wasn't or isn't on the cards, and you must have accepted otherwise you'd not have stayed and had a child with him, presumably.

SpiritAdder · 16/08/2025 23:37

I think he’s saying it’s her choice to marry or not marry, like it was his choice, and he has chosen to not marry and you’re going along with it.

7yrs and a kid later, he knows that marriage isn’t that important to you otherwise you’d have dumped him by now.

Arlanymor · 16/08/2025 23:38

I'd be miffed with myself in that situation.

SpiritAdder · 16/08/2025 23:39

TheBeesTrees · 16/08/2025 23:36

He's telling you how he really feels about you. If I were you Id actually listen and believe him. He's just not that into you

He has been saying it since day 1, he doesn’t want to marry.

BePinkOrca · 16/08/2025 23:40

My DH was exactly the same as yours no point then it’s a waste of money, anyway he finally said it was because he didn’t want a big wedding, once I confirmed/discussed, I would be happy with something low key all of a sudden he is down on one knee with a ring it was a complete shock after over a decade. We had a really low key wedding which he helped plan as it was the day he was dreading not the being married per se. PS we had children/house etc without being married, which seems to be a no-go on mums-net.

Pallisers · 16/08/2025 23:41

I bet your dd has his surname too.

TheBeesTrees · 16/08/2025 23:42

SpiritAdder · 16/08/2025 23:39

He has been saying it since day 1, he doesn’t want to marry.

Show quote history

Well done on your reading comprehension skills! Someone that is willing to deliberately have children with you and potentially leave you in a dodgy financial position if anything happened is telling you how they feel about you, whether they say that from day 1 or not.

schmoomoo · 16/08/2025 23:44

YABU because his beliefs were made very clear at the start and you agreed otherwise you would not have continued the relationship.

He's right saying DS might want to get married in the future and yes it would be a happy event for him (yourself included). That doesn't mean he wants the same for himself. Reasons are varied but you were aware of this already.

Also I think they notion you 'need' to be married to be 'wanted' these days is antiquated. A lot of couples cohabit, have children and have mortgages together. The latter two are such big commitments which I doubt you'd do with someone you didn't want to be with.

Whatever works for people's relationships may not align with the majority doesn't make it 'wrong.' I wouldn't get too hung up by it if it's something you already discussed and have been happy so far.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/08/2025 23:44

If marriage was important to you you should have done it before having DD. I see why you’re upset by what he said but what can you do now.

indoorplantqueen · 16/08/2025 23:46

They show you who you are when you have their children and give said children their name.

Original poster
Maybeitsmable · 16/08/2025 23:48

Ooooh I should have known the AIBU threads make the "savage" posters come out 😅

In fairness we have discussed few times, I don't feel so strongly about marriage either way. The big wedding isn't my thing, but the sentiment behind marriage has an appeal to me. It's not a deal breaker for me though otherwise I wouldn't be here 7 years later.

I'm not in a "dodgy" financial position, I am financially better off than he is, and I have protected my high value shares in our property vs his lower value. I don't rely on him financially in any traditional way.

OP posts:
SpiritAdder · 16/08/2025 23:51

If you’re all meh take it or leave it about marriage then why would you be miffed that your DH is open minded enough to tell your DC that he would support them if they want to get married?

Original poster
Maybeitsmable · 16/08/2025 23:54

It was more the fact that he was gushing about it like he firmly uploads the house of marriage

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 16/08/2025 23:56

If you don't care then what is this thread about?

Nachoinseachthu · 16/08/2025 23:57

I think I’d also be objecting to him conditioning his 4yo DD to consider a wedding to be such a great life goal. There’s time enough for that.

Original poster
Maybeitsmable · 16/08/2025 23:57

Arlanymor · 16/08/2025 23:56

If you don't care then what is this thread about?

The hypocrisy of it 😂

OP posts:
1apenny2apenny · 17/08/2025 00:00

I would have just said something along the lines of - even if she does believe in marriage she maybe won’t want you taking her down the aisle and ‘giving her away’ especially as you (he) doesn’t believe in marriage!

FreyjaOfTheNorth · 17/08/2025 00:00

Why on earth would you have a child with a man who won’t commit to you? That’s crazy.

Marriage is not the same as a wedding. It doesn’t have to be expensive. That’s fine if the big wedding isn’t your thing. It wasn’t mine either and we got married in a 10-minute civil ceremony with no photographer, no flowers, no cake, no reception, no guests beyond two witnesses and we wore clothes we already owned. My husband even went back to work after the ceremony. We didn’t have a honeymoon either. We are no less married than anyone else.

But you’re only saying that you are not bothered because this thread isn’t going the way you thought it would.

Arlanymor · 17/08/2025 00:00

Maybeitsmable · 16/08/2025 23:57

The hypocrisy of it 😂

Show quote history

No I came here to offer help and so asked a genuine question. But turns out you don't care about what you posted. No hypocrisy on my behalf - you however...

Original poster
Maybeitsmable · 17/08/2025 00:02

Arlanymor · 17/08/2025 00:00

No I came here to offer help and so asked a genuine question. But turns out you don't care about what you posted. No hypocrisy on my behalf - you however...

Edited
Show quote history

I wasn't calling you a hypocrite, I meant my DP. You asked what my thread was about - it's about the hypocrisy of his statements

OP posts: