To feel a bit miffed - marriage.

[Maybeitsmable]

I've been with DP for 7 years, we've discussed marriage previously and our thoughts on it. When we first met said he "doesn't believe in it", which later down the line changed to "it's expensive and a waste of money" and that he doesn't see the point in it.

Anyway our DD is 4 and today in conversation he said to her "daddy might have to walk you down the aisle one day". He was proud as punch at the thought.

AIBU to be a bit miffed? He envisions our DD getting married and it being a lovely celebratory event, but he doesn't see/want that for our relationship 😏

Whether people choose to marry or not before having children, or whether they marry at all very much depends on demographics. As I've said earlier on this thread, my son and all his professional high-earning group of friends have all married, none have had children prior to marriage. They all live in affluent areas. I imagine in other areas, with different types of people, there would be many more children born outside marriage and fewer people marrying.

So you agree with me that is nothing to do with whether one of the couple is or is not into the other.

No her mum wants marriage, she didn’t mention being given away like a chattel,

This man sounds very odd to assume something so backward

It wasn't me that made that comment.

However, I do think that, very often, if a man doesn't want to marry a particular woman, or vice versa, then it does mean that one simply doesn't value the other one enough to actually want to marry them. Cohabitation is generally seen as a less permanent state, and break ups of cohabiting couples with children occur at a much higher percentage than married couples with children.

Half of all children now being born outside marriage is due to a myriad of reasons. For example, demographics is one, the social acceptance of having a child outside marriage or being a child born outside marriage is a huge factor, as is the lack of stigma of being a single mother. Within certain demographics it's acceptable for men to have several children with various women, without being married to any of them.

Let's call a spade a spade, here.
He wants his daughter to fully commit to a spouse as (through his words) he sees it as the right relationship-related thing to aspire to.
But he doesn't extend that aspiration to you, the mother of his child.
I'm sorry but it is what it is.

He wanted kids but not a wife. Unfortunately it's a common thing amongst some men, they want you to look after them, have kids but not give you the security of marriage.

He wanted kids but not a wife.

I'd seriously question if he wanted kids either.

If he really wanted kids the OP could have said "We're not having kids until we're married.". The fact that didn't happen makes me think he wasn't keen on kids either.

Good for you sticking up for yourself. Seriously I think that some people just love being mean.

You should ask him would he be paying for her wedding if she believed? It sounds as though you’re better off not tying your finances together tbh. I would stay as you are but maybe discuss power of attorney and wills etc these are important at any age.

I bet your daughter has got HIS surname eh @Maybeitsmable ?

He would have made sure of that I'll bet!

Wouldn't it be funny though, if, as a pp said, she is anti marriage too, and he never sees her married?!

Sad that he is showing yours (and his) daughter that her mother is not good enough to marry.

I really don't understand why women have children with a man who can't be arsed to put a ring on it! Zero financial protection, or security. And no right to anything of his, including his pension. Yet you are giving him children, and having your life, your body, your career, and your finances affected.... Why do women still do this?

My DP doesn’t believe in marriage (unless you have kids - and we don’t have children.). However, we have just got a civil partnership so that we have the same protections pretty much as marriage, and avoid inheritance tax. As we get older, we think about these things more!

I do and don’t see why you are miffed.
For him to already be speaking to your daughter about walking her down the aisle shows marriage does mean something to him.
He just does not view you as worth it.

But he told you who he was and you stayed and had a child with him so…shrugs.

People have kids with people they don’t want to be with every single day.

Do they?

That would have been an excellent response!

Former colleague of mine has a partner who had been married and divorced and he had 2 girls
He was vehemently anti marriage
She accepted this
He then spent most of their savings on his 2 dds weddings

Yes - look at the number of absent fathers and men who check out before the child even arrives. Loads of kids were simply accidents.

you said it!☝

Yes. Women sometimes think "It's now or never." Men get trapped or just walk away. There are lots of ways it happens, and it does happen. A lot more than we realize.

Yes, that would piss me right off.

OP, you should probably get married for purely practical reasons, as in, if anything ever happens to either of you (God forbid) it removes a big burden from the one left behind in terms of probate and inheritance and all that jazz. And then there's healthcare decisions, and goodness knows what else. I appreciate that you've probably taken steps to construct piecemeal the legal framework of marriage, but it's easy to leave something out in that process. You should float the idea to him of getting married for these reasons, and tell him it can be just a tiny registry office thing. Maybe, like a PP, he's concerned about the fuss and expense of a big wedding.

Men don’t get trapped

It’s hurtful, OP and I am baffled how some posters can’t see that. He is doting on his daughter and regarding you very much as second best. It’s not difficult to understand.

Of course they do. And so do women.

I’ve never wanted to marry personally but would be proud to go to my kids wedding.