To feel a bit miffed - marriage.

[Maybeitsmable]

I've been with DP for 7 years, we've discussed marriage previously and our thoughts on it. When we first met said he "doesn't believe in it", which later down the line changed to "it's expensive and a waste of money" and that he doesn't see the point in it.

Anyway our DD is 4 and today in conversation he said to her "daddy might have to walk you down the aisle one day". He was proud as punch at the thought.

AIBU to be a bit miffed? He envisions our DD getting married and it being a lovely celebratory event, but he doesn't see/want that for our relationship 😏

You aren’t bothered about marriage either - would you not have an emotional response to your child getting married? Would you not even feel slightly gushy at the wedding?

You should have left him on day two.

That's what we did, @sesquipedalian - many years ago and it was even cheaper then! We didn't have much money.
So the "waste of money" is always a puzzling excuse. Particularly when he thinks it won't be a waste of money for his daughter.

I would not have chosen to have a child with a man who didn't want to get married.

Well you believe in it, and it’s not getting you very far.

That would be the beginning of the end for me.

Sounds like he thinks marriage is something for a woman to aspire to and a man to avoid. An opportunity for a flashy party where ownership of a woman is passed from one man to another. I'm glad nobody is filling my DDs' heads with guff about weddings and being "given away".

Perfectly possible to get married (and I wouldn't have had kids without personally) without any of that shit.

You are the one in the vulnerable position here. I wouldn’t be able to stop the resentment setting in your position. There’s no needs for an expensive wedding, any wedding. You could just book in at the register office and be done. If he won’t even agree to that, he’s telling you something.

He may have told you at the start of the relationship how he felt but I get why you feel miffed. What might not bother you at the beginning of a relationship can change as that relationship evolves. I would definitely call him out on it (calmly of course). His daughters wedding in years to come could well cost a lot more than say a small intimate wedding for the 2 of you.

Absolutely. Maybe she’ll be sceptical of traditions just like he is, and she’ll want mummy to walk her down the aisle.

You’re very patient, OP.

Tell him your kid might want to keep her assets to herself, and protect her assets, wisely, like her mum 😊

'not believing in' a legal document is a bit weird, but his loss.

Is it hypocrisy though. He might not think marriage is important but he is right your DD might. And of course as her Dad (assuming they have a good relationship) he will walk her down the aisle. And he will be proud to do so. I have no interest in marriage either but I cried happy tears at my sons wedding and beamed with pride all the way through.

The problem is not so much whether one partner wants to get married or not but rather whether there is a mismatch between what they want and what the other partner wants. There's no real reason to get married if neither party wants to - there are other ways for women to protect themselves financially. It's a separate issue and all women, married or not, should be protecting themselves.
I don't think you can necessarily say it's a lack of commitment, although it may be of course. But only the people in the relationship can know that.
For some people it's an ideological choice that they feel quite strongly about. What's important is whether they are honest about it from the beginning. Promising to marry someone and then dragging your feet for years is not ok. Agreeing with someone at the outset that you don't want to get marry is quite different.

a friend told me some good advice - “never allow a man to treat you like his wife before making you his wife”

Us too - almost 30 years ago now. We popped to a restaurant over the road afterwards and celebrated with their £5 set menu for lunch!

My husband said the same thing when we first met, i made it clear that i wanted marriage and he changed his mind eventually. He made me wait 9 years for a proposal then another 6 to actually get married, then covid hit and our original wedding was cancelled, we were offered a registry office date with only two masked witnesses allowed. We eventually had our proper CofE wedding and reception two years ago. I wouldn't reccomend going through it that way but we both got the wedding we wanted. We have been together for 20 years.

Why would he assume she’d want walking down the asle and giving away like she’s a possession? Her generation are obviously going to reject this misogynistic clap trap. He’s sounds completely ridiculous

She’s not in a vulnerable position and if I were her I wouldn’t be getting married I wouldn’t want to risk my better financial position, just like I won’t get married due to the amount of equity and salary I have compared to my partner. It’s not that I’m not fully committed but I’m not willing to take the risk.

I DO like the commitment side, that is important to me, far more now that we have children than before, so this is something that has changed in me, and I am allowed that change. If you are changing your mind, that is allowed, too.

Commitment and freedom to change are diametrically opposite.

If changing minds is allowed we shouldn't be getting married.

You've been together 7 years, when you first met he said he didn't believe in marriage, if you felt strongly about it you could have broken up and found someone else who wanted to be married. Instead you stayed with him and had a child together. I'm not really sure how you can be cross at him, the man doesn't want to get married himself, doesn't mean he wouldn't enjoy someone else's wedding.

Then you’re not fully committed or you wouldn’t see any risk.

Why would he assume she’d want walking down the asle and giving away like she’s a possession?

Because her mum wants it?

I’d be really hurt too OP.

The problem isn’t what he said: it’s the fact that you’ve failed to advocate for yourself and what you want

Yes, I was unexpectedly pregnant and knew exactly how things would turn out had we waited. Marched that fella down the aisle within a month. 20 years on still very happy.

I think it’s hypocrisy. He doesn’t believe in marriage but is looking forward to the prospect of walking his daughter down the aisle? Of course it’s hypocrisy.
Seriously some right twats on this thread, picking apart the op for absolutely no reason.

Excellent! We had 2 witnesses and just went back to their house afterwards. We wanted to buy a house and so we were saving for a deposit. Still happy 37 years on! (and have a really nice house 😊)