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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit miffed - marriage.

195 replies

Maybeitsmable · 16/08/2025 23:31

I've been with DP for 7 years, we've discussed marriage previously and our thoughts on it. When we first met said he "doesn't believe in it", which later down the line changed to "it's expensive and a waste of money" and that he doesn't see the point in it.

Anyway our DD is 4 and today in conversation he said to her "daddy might have to walk you down the aisle one day". He was proud as punch at the thought.

AIBU to be a bit miffed? He envisions our DD getting married and it being a lovely celebratory event, but he doesn't see/want that for our relationship 😏

OP posts:
BlankBlankBlank14 · 17/08/2025 00:03

1apenny2apenny · 17/08/2025 00:00

I would have just said something along the lines of - even if she does believe in marriage she maybe won’t want you taking her down the aisle and ‘giving her away’ especially as you (he) doesn’t believe in marriage!

Exactly!

it’s an antiquated idea now, let alone in 20-30 years time!!

numbfromlife · 17/08/2025 00:05

Point out to him that as her parents aren't married, it's unlikely DD will view marriage as something she needs to do. You are both setting the example for her. Your father once thought about walkind his DD down the aisle and look how that worked out.

Ohlifelife · 17/08/2025 00:05

I think it was an extremely weird thing for him to say to your DD actually. In what context did he say it to her?
I agree for someone who has always been anti marriage why on earth would he say such a thing?

Arlanymor · 17/08/2025 00:08

Maybeitsmable · 17/08/2025 00:02

I wasn't calling you a hypocrite, I meant my DP. You asked what my thread was about - it's about the hypocrisy of his statements

Show quote history

Oh I see - sorry that wasn't clear to me - I thought you were aiming at me! Apologies for misunderstanding. x

SpiritAdder · 17/08/2025 00:11

Maybeitsmable · 16/08/2025 23:54

It was more the fact that he was gushing about it like he firmly uploads the house of marriage

With respect, that doesn’t make sense as you know he doesn’t want to marry.
All he is doing is he isn’t pressuring his child to be a carbon copy of him.
He said “might” not “will”- so he obviously isn’t in the you should marry camp.

Loveagoodring · 17/08/2025 00:12

Does your DD have your partners surname or yours?

I know about 5 couples with children who are not married and all but 1 have their dads last name and not the the mum. One of the dads said matter of fact that he sees no reason to get married now he is already “carrying on the family name”

Original poster
Maybeitsmable · 17/08/2025 00:14

She has his name. He suggested we double barrel it. I declined as I think they're a mouthful and people rarely use both on the real world anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maybeitsmable · 17/08/2025 00:14

But you do raise a good point about the family name. If DD does marry though it'll be gone again 🤣

OP posts:
Pallisers · 17/08/2025 00:15

Well if you replied to him saying "but she might fall for someone who doesn't believe in marriage - like I did and then you won't be walking her anywhere" I wonder what he'd have said.

I must admit I'd also have said "dd maybe mummy will be walking you down the aisle someday"

PIayer456 · 17/08/2025 00:16

I guess he wants his daughter to benefit from the legal protection of marriage, lest she ends up in a stupid situation where she’s making sacrifices for a man who won’t afford her that.

SpiritAdder · 17/08/2025 00:17

Maybeitsmable · 17/08/2025 00:14

But you do raise a good point about the family name. If DD does marry though it'll be gone again 🤣

I didn’t change my name when I married.
My surname is from my 6GGrandmother so it’s down the female line…so why would I want to trade it for another name?
My daughters (with husband) have my surname too.

Pallisers · 17/08/2025 00:18

Of course she has his name - they always do.

I bet it is nicer than yours too. It always is.

Still, maybe dd will overcome the conditioning she is getting and actually marry and not change her name. Or walk down the aisle by herself. Or have her mother do it with her. Or both her parents.

SpiritAdder · 17/08/2025 00:21

Pallisers · 17/08/2025 00:18

Of course she has his name - they always do.

I bet it is nicer than yours too. It always is.

Still, maybe dd will overcome the conditioning she is getting and actually marry and not change her name. Or walk down the aisle by herself. Or have her mother do it with her. Or both her parents.

Maybe change her surname by deed poll at age 18 to the OP’s surname…

(adding to your list)

99bottlesofkombucha · 17/08/2025 00:22

Have you said: I’ve been thinking about what you said about dd believes in marriage. Why do you think her partner will care? I believe in marriage. Are you expecting she finds a better partner than her dad is?

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 17/08/2025 00:25

He’s not a hypocrite he said he doesn't want to be married. And he isn’t
You've not been misled or lied to.You proceeded to cohabitate and have child with a marriage averse man

budgiegirl · 17/08/2025 00:26

YABU. You knew he didn't ever want to get married, he's been very clear on that, and you chose to have a child with him anyway. That's fine, it's your choice.

But why is it hypocritical for your partner to acknowledge that some day his child may want to get married? It's just a fact, isn't it? One day she might. She also might not.

InBedBy10 · 17/08/2025 00:30

He doesn't want to marry you. If you have to nag him into it, do you really want to marry him??

This is the type of man who will stay with you until a) you throw him out or b) he finds someone he actually wants to marry.

And I say that as a woman who spent 20yrs with someone saying i didn't want marriage. When deep down I knew I didn't want marriage with HIM. I was just scared of being on my own. I'm not proud of it. But in all honesty, he really didn't want to marry me either. We both wasted each other's time.

steff13 · 17/08/2025 00:34

I don't think he's a hypocrite for thinking that she might get married one day. Lots of people do get married. And it can be a smart choice because there are a lot of legal protections afforded to you in marriage that are difficult to replicate in any other way.

JackGrealishsBobbySocks · 17/08/2025 00:35

Finding this hard to believe. The average dad doesn't relish the idea of his kids getting married, IME. And this is an anti-marriage dad.

EasternSkies · 17/08/2025 00:36

As the owner of higher value assets and a higher income I wouldn’t be pushing him for marriage if he isn’t up for it.

No such thing as your share being protected in a divorce

And I wouldn’t tell him that perhaps your Dd would like you to walk down the aisle with her as she will probably ‘not believe in’ sexist traditions.

The fucking cheek and hypocrisy of him!

JustCabbaggeLooking · 17/08/2025 01:17

Who's surname is it you're keeping if you're keeping your 'own'? (apart from the 6grandmothers kept name of a pp🤔)

EasternSkies · 17/08/2025 01:28

Maybeitsmable · 17/08/2025 00:14

But you do raise a good point about the family name. If DD does marry though it'll be gone again 🤣

Not necessarily.

BeanQuisine · 17/08/2025 04:12

YANBU, OP. Sounds like he's happy to be sentimental about these things in regard to his daughter but not his wife, and he was embarrassed when you pointed out his hypocrisy.

I imagine he went bright red and quickly changed the subject.

Dippythedino · 17/08/2025 04:12

Point out that his precious dd might end up with a commitment phobic fraud like her father who doesn't believe in marriage. So it won't matter if she believes in marriage if her feckless partner doesn't much like him.

What you need to do is bring up your daughter to expect marriage before living together & children & this is why:

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Living together and marriage - legal differences

Differences between how the law treats married and cohabiting couples including financial matters, responsibility for children and housing.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Cakeandusername · 17/08/2025 04:14

You need a conversation. CAB have an easy guide marriage v civil partnership.
If he’s anti marriage what is his objection to civil partnership? It sounds like he’s not anti marriage though with his comments about dd.

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