Page 4 | To feel a bit miffed - marriage.

Itwasallyellow2 · 17/08/2025 07:12

EasternSkies · 17/08/2025 00:36

As the owner of higher value assets and a higher income I wouldn’t be pushing him for marriage if he isn’t up for it.

No such thing as your share being protected in a divorce

And I wouldn’t tell him that perhaps your Dd would like you to walk down the aisle with her as she will probably ‘not believe in’ sexist traditions.

The fucking cheek and hypocrisy of him!

Absolutely this. On Mumsnet, marriage is seen as financial security which is true if you were a SAHM, financially dependent or had interrupted your career. If you are financially better off than him then marriage might not be the best option for you at least financially.

In your situation, I wouldn’t go on to have further children with him and, if I wanted marriage, I would be clear with him about why.

beAsensible1 · 17/08/2025 07:14

He does believe in marriage. Just not to you.

CurlewKate · 17/08/2025 07:16

Personally, I’d be pretty pissed off if my dp said that to our daughter regardless of anything else!

But you really need to sit down and have a proper grown up conversation. If you’re not going to be married you need to make sure you and your daughter are protected. And then decide if marriage is a deal breaker for you.

EaglesSwim · 17/08/2025 07:17

MagpiePi · 17/08/2025 06:32

Wow! What an old fashioned view!
In reality, your grandma’s generation, and generations before that were out having lots of sex before marriage. How many miserable relationships do you think there were when men and women thought they had to get married and divorce was socially unacceptable?

Show quote history

It solved the problem of men's reluctance to commit and settle down which is what this thread is about.

Obviously if far more people are commiting then far more people are going to suffer the problems that commitment brings. So the OPs husband would agree with you - better to avoid committing in case he ends up in a miserable marriage.

But this thread isn't about avoiding the problems of marriage, it's about wanting to be married.

MikeRafone · 17/08/2025 07:18

Maybeitsmable · 16/08/2025 23:36

I did at the time. I said "I thought you didn't believe in marriage?"

His reply was that our DD might believe in it 🙄

Show quote history

Yeah, but you don’t so you’ll not be giving her away - I will 😂

LovelyBitOfSquirrrel · 17/08/2025 07:21

ChampagneLassie · 17/08/2025 06:46

This would upset me too. I’m 6 years & 2 kids in my DP made out that he wanted marriage initially and now he says he imagines we will at some point but he really doesn’t feel right about it right now. I could totally imagine him saying / thinking something similar to our DD. Marriage is important to me and I’d really like us to be married.😔

So why did you have kids with him?

EaglesSwim · 17/08/2025 07:21

PollyBell · 17/08/2025 06:13

Yes how many times mothers and grandmothers are there to breed and raise children and stay home, so would it make sense to train children young on what is expected of women (and men)

Sounds appalling to me personally but perfectly 'normal' on here

Show quote history

It's "mumsnet" not, "stayfreetoenjoyabrilliantlifeunhinderedbychildrenandcommitmentnet".

spoonbillstretford · 17/08/2025 07:24

Maybeitsmable · 16/08/2025 23:48

Ooooh I should have known the AIBU threads make the "savage" posters come out 😅

In fairness we have discussed few times, I don't feel so strongly about marriage either way. The big wedding isn't my thing, but the sentiment behind marriage has an appeal to me. It's not a deal breaker for me though otherwise I wouldn't be here 7 years later.

I'm not in a "dodgy" financial position, I am financially better off than he is, and I have protected my high value shares in our property vs his lower value. I don't rely on him financially in any traditional way.

If you are better off than him and financially independent then there isn't any reason to get married if you don't feel strongly about it.

anyolddinosaur · 17/08/2025 07:29

If you want to marry him - and he doesnt seem like a prize - then I'd point out that his daughter might also enjoy being a bridesmaid at her parents wedding. That can be a small ceremony if that's what you both want.

As you say you are better off then marriage isnt necessarily a great idea for you - so you could also say that perhaps she will take up with someone who doesnt want to celebrate their life together.

spoonbillstretford · 17/08/2025 07:30

Nachoinseachthu · 16/08/2025 23:57

I think I’d also be objecting to him conditioning his 4yo DD to consider a wedding to be such a great life goal. There’s time enough for that.

Yes, that would be my objection. I remember my dad said as a teenager when I cooked him something nice "You'll make someone a great wife one day!" But he was laughing as even as a man born in the 1930s, he wasn't trying to bring me up with marriage as my greatest life goal.

ChampagneLassie · 17/08/2025 07:36

@LovelyBitOfSquirrrel because I love him and I was 38 and the alternative might have been not having any children / sperm donation trying it alone (and thank goodness I didn’t do that I’ve no idea how I’d have managed) & having children was and is more important than being married.

Tontostitis · 17/08/2025 07:48

Maybeitsmable · 16/08/2025 23:31

I've been with DP for 7 years, we've discussed marriage previously and our thoughts on it. When we first met said he "doesn't believe in it", which later down the line changed to "it's expensive and a waste of money" and that he doesn't see the point in it.

Anyway our DD is 4 and today in conversation he said to her "daddy might have to walk you down the aisle one day". He was proud as punch at the thought.

AIBU to be a bit miffed? He envisions our DD getting married and it being a lovely celebratory event, but he doesn't see/want that for our relationship 😏

So he dies believe in marriage he just doesn't want to marry you? That's how I would take that it's incredibly hurtful of him.

lotsofpatience · 17/08/2025 07:51

Maybeitsmable · 16/08/2025 23:48

Ooooh I should have known the AIBU threads make the "savage" posters come out 😅

In fairness we have discussed few times, I don't feel so strongly about marriage either way. The big wedding isn't my thing, but the sentiment behind marriage has an appeal to me. It's not a deal breaker for me though otherwise I wouldn't be here 7 years later.

I'm not in a "dodgy" financial position, I am financially better off than he is, and I have protected my high value shares in our property vs his lower value. I don't rely on him financially in any traditional way.

Cut the crap and stop backtracking. If you were not that fussed about it you would have not opened this thread.
You are fooling yourself.

lotsofpatience · 17/08/2025 07:53

Maybeitsmable · 17/08/2025 00:14

But you do raise a good point about the family name. If DD does marry though it'll be gone again 🤣

Not necessarily.
You seem to have a tendency for deluding yourself.
Someone had to tell you. Sorry.

nomoremsniceperson · 17/08/2025 07:54

OP hasn't said she's gutted but miffed, which is understandable. Her DP is being hypocritical and this is a weird situation. He is giving out mixed messages and seems to lack a bit of empathy for her feelings and viewpoint.

OP, ask him how he'd see a partner of his daughter who refused to marry her even if she wanted to. See what he says then.

Marriage doesn't have to be a big expensive deal it can just be a small do with the absolute closest family & friends in a registry office. If it's important to you, you should do it, and since he's had a baby with you and seems to be serious about you, and likes the idea of his daughter getting married, I can't see what reasonable objections he would have.

malificent7 · 17/08/2025 07:55

I know lots of people who are commited and not married and lots of married people who are not commited.
Yanbu to find him hypocritical op.

growingrowinggone · 17/08/2025 08:00

Maybeitsmable · 16/08/2025 23:31

I've been with DP for 7 years, we've discussed marriage previously and our thoughts on it. When we first met said he "doesn't believe in it", which later down the line changed to "it's expensive and a waste of money" and that he doesn't see the point in it.

Anyway our DD is 4 and today in conversation he said to her "daddy might have to walk you down the aisle one day". He was proud as punch at the thought.

AIBU to be a bit miffed? He envisions our DD getting married and it being a lovely celebratory event, but he doesn't see/want that for our relationship 😏

OP, I have the exact same thing, I believe.

I am in a very established career which makes me enough money to support my children alone if I need to. I have assets of my own, and so I am not financially dependent on marriage or need the legal protections in that way. I also look at marriage quite cynically because I know it doesn't work out very well for many women, there are lots of expectations and norms around it that I don't like. I didn't ever romanticise it, or sentimentalise it. However, I DO like the commitment side, that is important to me, far more now that we have children than before, so this is something that has changed in me, and I am allowed that change. If you are changing your mind, that is allowed, too.

We have had a lot of searching questions about it. For him, it is not so much that he doesn't want to marry me, it is his understanding of marriage and what he saw in his parent's marriage (it wasn't great). And he is not sure how to do it without emulating that. My parents have a marriage that is still going strong, though they have had the ups and downs one would expect from two people who are now mid-60s having married at 20.

We went through a very rough patch in our relationship since Covid, and we have been working at resetting things since. We know one another far better now, so that is good, but for me, I have wondered aloud to him and quietly to myself, whether we both would have behaved the way that we did if we were married. I don't know. On the other hand, I also think if we were married, we might very well have divorced, and once that was done - such a formalised rupture - we might not have reconciled.

The marriage issue is one I am going to broach with him again, and it will come up in our ongoing conversations and in therapy and I will explore widely what it means for me. If it at the end it is important enough to me and he won't budge I will rethink the relationship.

I say all of this as a woman who is 15 years older than we were when we met. Our history makes me think it might be more core a thing to us than I realised before.

Again, we are all allowed to change.

babyproblems · 17/08/2025 08:04

I mean I’ll be honest and say I don’t think you should’ve had a baby with him if he didn’t want to marry you… in your shoes I’d be saying ‘ok well let’s do a civil partnership then for legal reasons’ and I’d organise it. It isn’t expensive, and it gives you the legal framework that would be more protective of you each and as a family. Whose last name does your dd have??? I hope it’s not just your husbands. I wonder how he would feel if your dd spent many years with someone, had a baby etc and all that entails, and then the someone didn’t want to marry her?? I suspect he would think that was a bit of a shitty thing to do… unless her someone didn’t absolutely 50% of all child related tasks, 50% of domestic chores, and all bills were split proportionally in terms of income by %, to the £1. Which is what he’s doing isn’t it?? I doubt it!!! I’d be saying civil partnership at the very least or separating. Good luck xox

BIossomtoes · 17/08/2025 08:08

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 17/08/2025 00:25

He’s not a hypocrite he said he doesn't want to be married. And he isn’t
You've not been misled or lied to.You proceeded to cohabitate and have child with a marriage averse man

He said he doesn’t believe in marriage. Which is an odd thing to say when he can see the evidence of it all around him. It’s also quite odd to have the expectation that your child will want to do something you’ve rejected yourself as being unnecessary.

Ignored124 · 17/08/2025 08:10

Speak to him about it and tell him how you feel as you understandably are bothered as I would be . Ask him if he would marry you . Maybe if it is that important and he refuses then you could split up.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 17/08/2025 08:11

I'd tell him that you, as her main carer, plan on walking her down the aisle as he doesn't beleive in marriage/thinks it's a waste of money

KarminaBurana · 17/08/2025 08:19

Maybeitsmable · 16/08/2025 23:54

It was more the fact that he was gushing about it like he firmly uploads the house of marriage

No, he's upholding it for your daughter.
He doesn't want it for you and him, I don't think it could be clearer.

KarminaBurana · 17/08/2025 08:20

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 17/08/2025 08:11

I'd tell him that you, as her main carer, plan on walking her down the aisle as he doesn't beleive in marriage/thinks it's a waste of money

Good response 👍!

NarnianQueen · 17/08/2025 08:24

JackGrealishsBobbySocks · 17/08/2025 00:35

Finding this hard to believe. The average dad doesn't relish the idea of his kids getting married, IME. And this is an anti-marriage dad.

Really? I’ve noticed a LOT of men make comments about how their toddler daughters will one day get married /have children of their own. I’ve noticed it because I find it so weird!

sesquipedalian · 17/08/2025 08:24

“it's expensive and a waste of money”

OP, it’s not a waste of money if you want the security of marriage for yourself and your DD, and if you just want to be married, then pop down to your local registry office. A Statutory ceremony (legal wording only + 2 witnesses) costs £56. I got married like that over twenty years ago, and it was £45 then - but I am just as married as someone who got married in a cathedral with 800 guests. I can understand your DP not wanting a big wedding when you have a child to support - you could better spend the money on the house/holidays/car/whatever - but you can be married for a small outlay, if that is what you want.