To feel a bit miffed - marriage.

[Maybeitsmable]

I've been with DP for 7 years, we've discussed marriage previously and our thoughts on it. When we first met said he "doesn't believe in it", which later down the line changed to "it's expensive and a waste of money" and that he doesn't see the point in it.

Anyway our DD is 4 and today in conversation he said to her "daddy might have to walk you down the aisle one day". He was proud as punch at the thought.

AIBU to be a bit miffed? He envisions our DD getting married and it being a lovely celebratory event, but he doesn't see/want that for our relationship 😏

Quietly I’d be very miffed, if miffed is the right word. If nothing else it’s a double standard. If I were you and he knew that’s what you had hoped for, I’d be feeling I wasn’t worth getting married to. And I’m so sorry, my comments are hurtful.

On the other hand he has been verbally dodging the marriage question for years, giving various reasons.

But miffed yes, here he is quite happily being centre stage with his daughter at her maybe wedding. Is he a show pony?

I’d be miffed too OP.

MN is obsessed with marriage, it's not for everyone and that doesn't make them any less committed to their partners.

Woah some harsh comments, I agree op id find it odd that he'd think about a 4 year old being married when he's so against the idea.

But you didn't need to stay and have a child with someone who didn't want to marry you, wouldn't it had made more sense to get married first with someome then have a child

No I am not saying people have to be married to have a child with them but logic would say if it was that important to you then do it first

Are you and DP on good terms with your own father? If so, I’d be tempted to point out that perhaps your DF has always felt the same way about you as your DP feels about DD.

Op doesn’t mean you they mean their dp!

Well then what's the issue!

Or she’ll keep her name?! Between this comment and his bizarre notion that he’ll walk her down the aisle it sounds like you’re both filling her head with very old-fashioned, traditional rituals.

But according to MN, not getting married is one of the worst things you can do because it means your partner doesn’t respect or love you and will leave you penniless in the future. So also according to MN, getting married should be every woman’s goal?

Yes how many times mothers and grandmothers are there to breed and raise children and stay home, so would it make sense to train children young on what is expected of women (and men)

Sounds appalling to me personally but perfectly 'normal' on here

It’s galling.

you are lucky, in that your financial situation is solid.

Lots of women are not in a good situation, due to earning less, and taking time off to have a child and the effect on their career.

Don't have children with men who don’t value you, would be the best advice for most.

Why did you go with his name and not yours if you didn’t want to double barrel? I think it’s also a bit creepy when adults make marriage a life goal for their daughters but not their sons.

That ship seems to have sailed and it's a bad thing.

My grandmother's generation didn't have sex until they were married and men queued up to get married. Women were essentially unionised to get the outcome women wanted, presenting a united front. She used to say "Why buy the cow if milk is freely available?" which used to make me feel slightly sick, but it's true and I think women at that time instinctivly understood it.

It will never happen but if women got together again and made sex the reward men get for providing children and marriage we'd all be a lot happier in the long run.

You’re right to be miffed. I hope you now ask him what advice will he give he give his dd if she believes in marriage but her partner doesn’t? Does he think she should have children with this person?

I’m the one who doesn’t want to marry (I’m a woman). I live with my partner (a man) and our DC.

It seems he's more traditional than you thought, OP - I can see how that would be galling. It suggests an element of patriarchal possessiveness about his daughter too.

This discussion was never going to go well though - Mumsnet is obsessed with marriage. Some women seem to see it as the ultimate goal in life, and can't comprehend that a couple might have a commited relationship of many years without it.

Assuming you have wills and legal protections in place (death in service at work, pensions, power of attorney) you're in a good position being independently wealthy. If you don't have at least will though, bloody get one.

Wow! What an old fashioned view!
In reality, your grandma’s generation, and generations before that were out having lots of sex before marriage. How many miserable relationships do you think there were when men and women thought they had to get married and divorce was socially unacceptable?

It is double standards and annoying for that reason. So I’d be thinking about and asking him what informs those double standards. It reveals that he’s not anti-marriage per se, but that he cannot bear to be married himself. The question is why - could be personal (eg parents divorced) or could be quite misogynistic at some level.

Part of the reason it irritates is that it is so gendered. Ask him if he had a son rather than a daughter would he be feeling so sentimental about it? I doubt it. So it’s partly about centring himself in the whole patriarchal performance of ‘giving away’ your daughter to another man. But also suggests he can fully support and even sentimentalise a woman (his daughter) being tied to a man through marriage but can’t tolerate the same thing for himself I.e he hates the idea of being tied to a woman through marriage.

The gendered double standards underlying his comment that accidentally gave away his true feelings on the issue of marriage. you are not being unreasonable to find that a bit upsetting.

I could tell the same story. It was the fear of a big day for mine too. We eloped in the end and had a wonderful time away just us. We also did everything the wrong way round. Always worth digging and finding out the truth behind the refusal.

Why don’t you ask him about that comment ?

“In fairness we have discussed few times, I don't feel so strongly about marriage either way. The big wedding isn't my thing, but the sentiment behind marriage has an appeal to me. It's not a deal breaker for me though otherwise I wouldn't be here 7 years later.

Then you aren’t simply being unreasonable, but irrational, inconsistent and contrarian.

Your partner isn’t a hypocrite. He has explained your daughter may feel differently about marriage to either of you, who aren’t fussed.

If your relationship is good and you want to marry then you need to be clear exactly what you want: "DP, I've decided it is very important to me to get married. We can do a small registry office event and just invite parents plus DD. Shall we book it?"
If he refuses then there is an issue; a man with a 4yo should want to stay with his partner. You'll need to think hard what it means if he doesn't, and whether you are adequately set up to be single.

This would upset me too. I’m 6 years & 2 kids in my DP made out that he wanted marriage initially and now he says he imagines we will at some point but he really doesn’t feel right about it right now. I could totally imagine him saying / thinking something similar to our DD. Marriage is important to me and I’d really like us to be married.😔

No shame in being miffed OP, it's called being human.

I wouldn't take it out on him though (not suggesting you are) if he's been clear from the start.

But your feelings are natural.