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Original poster

Husbands “jokes” about him retiring before I do

164 replies

Oscarsmom71 · 16/08/2025 20:16

So husband is 5 years older than me
He is 7 years off state pension age. I am 12 years.
He thinks it’s funny to constantly make quips and off the cuff comments about how he will be enjoying his free time whilst I am still working on.
We both have moderate to ok pensions mine are better than his.
I have recently done well in my career due to prioritising children until they reached adulthood, However when we met 30 years ago he was financially on his knees, debt, no house, I had my own house. Do we used all the equity I had to put into a home for ourselves. I was happy to do this.
We combined everything and I never even thought about it.
But his little comments and jokes about him doing what he wants whilst I work in here and there are really annoying me and I feel disrespectful.
When I say they are not nice he says he’s just joking. But I am feeling more and more tired. My job is stressful and I work full time,
So the thought of me working in is just not great for me.
I maybe able to retire slightly early but I just feel his comments are not supportive or respectful.
AIBU ?

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 16/08/2025 20:19

These are not "jokes". They are smug, barbed comments.

Perhaps a "yes dear" approach while you plan how you will either (a) retire early or (b) take a spectacular career move abroad to run a library in Bora Bora while he sits on his own enjoying his retirement while you still work (in Bora Bora).

Vaxtable · 16/08/2025 20:20

Just say yep I can’t wait until you retire, the you can do all the housework, cooking, shopping, washing and ironing, oh and the garden, so Yeo can’t wait as I will get a rest

Rhaidimiddim · 16/08/2025 20:25

Tell him, straight-faced as if you mean it, that you sre seriously thinking about early retirement.

Then start thinking seriously about early retirement.

If nothing else, it will stem the jokes.

theresnolimits · 16/08/2025 20:32

You know you don’t have to wait until you are 67 to retire don’t you? And he doesn’t have to retire at 67.

Tell him you want to retire together and then do the numbers to make it happen. Overpay your pension, pay into an ISA or FSVC, overpay your mortgage. Cut your costs and work out how much you will really need to live on.

My DH is three years older than me and we retired together - no way was I going out to work whilst he sat at home. And he wouldn’t have wanted me to.

Bailiwitch · 16/08/2025 20:33

Have you really been harbouring resentment against him for 30 years, @Oscarsmom71?

What was the situation while you were prioritising your children? Did he not pull his weight financially over those years?

It just seems odd. You married a man five years older than you - it can’t be a surprise that he reaches pension age before you? And (without more) it doesn’t seem outrageous that he should be looking forward to it. (I agree the best thing might be to work out how best to retire at the same time as each other.)

Have the two of you just not been friends for however long?

HaddlerScoop · 16/08/2025 20:34

But he will have worked longer than you when he retires. If he retires at 67 and you retire 5 years later at 67 you will have both worked the same number of years surely?

He is older than you, it is just fact. Is it because he will stop working and you will still be working full time? You could choose to reduce down your days if possible which is what a lot of people I know have done once they got past 55 and could draw down some money. If you reduce your days then of course this will affect your pension contributions going forward.

Maybe now is the time to sit with a financial advisor, specifically a pension planner and work out when you could both retire.

Lmnop22 · 16/08/2025 20:35

Are you sure this isn’t stemming from a little jealousy on your part about him retiring earlier than you?

If so, sort out a plan to retire early or at least plan a big trip or something when you do manage to finally retire to give you something to look forward to perhaps?

It will be annoying to work if he doesn’t have to, but he’s just a bit older so it’s the natural course. He will likely have a much less enjoyable retirement without you than he thinks he will!

FenderStrat · 16/08/2025 20:41

It's pretty poor of him to keep making these jokes when you've told him it bothers you.

But on the point of when you should each retire, I think it's perfectly fair that you both retire at exactly the same age. Which means he'll retire five years before you.

DiordreBarlow · 16/08/2025 20:42

My dad used to do this. Tease and dig away at people who were still working when he'd retired.
Tapping his watch and telling people to get back to work to pay taxes for his pension and fuel allowance. Telling people that Tony Blair (it was a while back) was paying for his tea that night and asking who was paying for theirs.

It was really tiresome and thoughtless. I've no idea why he thought it was funny and he can't possibly have thought it was kind.

HenDoNot · 16/08/2025 20:43

"How nice dear, aren't you lucky that you met me and I was able to set us up with a lovely home whilst you were on your knees, crippled with debt... If it weren't for me you might have had to work until you were dead".

Hecatoncheires · 16/08/2025 20:43

@Oscarsmom71 I was in a similar situation. My DH is 4 years older than me and is set to retire at 60 at the end of next year. We have been planning for this for the past few years wrt savings, etc, and we saw a financial advisor. I was to carry on working till I’m 60 to see our DD through university. However, I was increasingly not enjoying my job and feeling resentful that I have to carry on for more years (I started work a few years than he did as he farted around for a few years with various courses after school). So we looked at our finances and saw that we could afford for us both to go together. The only way to know if you can afford it is to scrutinise your finances. I hope you find that you can go sooner than you think. And in the meantime, tell him to button it with his gloating.

2catsandhappy · 16/08/2025 20:44

Time for a 'joke' back about he will be a house husband and you will be sure to buy him an apron.
Seriously though, you could take some advice about how to increase your payments and retire earlier.

Parker231 · 16/08/2025 20:46

Have you not sat down and done financial planning of what your retirement will look like - have you checked that both your pensions will provide for the lifestyle you want in retirement?

FenderStrat · 16/08/2025 20:46

HenDoNot · 16/08/2025 20:43

"How nice dear, aren't you lucky that you met me and I was able to set us up with a lovely home whilst you were on your knees, crippled with debt... If it weren't for me you might have had to work until you were dead".

Yep. If you want to make things worse, that should do it.

freerangethighs · 16/08/2025 20:46

It's reasonable to expect someone who loves you, wants what's best for you, and considers you a life partner to back off a bit on habitually making a very specific type of "joke" that you've find upsetting WHEN specifically requested by you. He doesn't need to understand why these comments upset you to take your word that they do and do his little bit to reduce your discomfort. If they are "jokes", they're not important things that he's meaning to communicate, so why not retire them? They're not really effective "jokes" anyway if the only other person hearing them isn't amused.

All that said, it sounds like the root problem is that you feel overstretched with your current obligations, including but probably not limited to your job, and so disheartened by the thought of working another twelve years. Can you do something about that - consider switching jobs, offload some of your non-work responsibilities so you're less tired, etc? For the longer haul, of course the two of you have to decide together how you're going to make things work financially for the rest of your lives, and that may include his working longer or you shorter or both.

HeyThereDelila · 16/08/2025 20:47

YANBU. He should keep working until you retire, otherwise you’ll be subsidising him.

He’s taking this piss; he had nothing when he met you. Will he pull his weight and do all the house work while youre still working?

What has he brought to your relationship?

FenderStrat · 16/08/2025 20:48

HeyThereDelila · 16/08/2025 20:47

YANBU. He should keep working until you retire, otherwise you’ll be subsidising him.

He’s taking this piss; he had nothing when he met you. Will he pull his weight and do all the house work while youre still working?

What has he brought to your relationship?

Why should she retire earlier than him?

Hankunamatata · 16/08/2025 20:50

You say
oh yes Im so looking forward to you doing all the cleaning and cooking and shopping'
With big smile on your face

HeyThereDelila · 16/08/2025 20:55

@FenderStrat because it sounds like he’s a smug so and so who will make her annoyed for years, and the only reason he now has anything and can afford to retire is because she paid for everything at the beginning of their relationship.

FenderStrat · 16/08/2025 20:58

None of that is relevant.
He does sound like a bit of an a**, to be honest

But that doesn't change the fact they should both retire at the same age

LeedsZebra90 · 16/08/2025 20:58

Why are you bringing up what you each brought (or didnt bring) to your marriage? You've had a whole life together since then..

autienotnaughty · 16/08/2025 20:58

What if you drop to part time?
I’d joke back yes looking forward to my cooked dinner and clean house . Il give you pocket money if you are a good husband

Minnowmeow · 16/08/2025 20:59

it would piss me off too… but sounds like you need to chat about what retirement looks like for both of you.

If your pension brings in at 62 the same as what his brings in at 67 then I don’t see why you should have to work if you are splitting things evenly? I think it would be a bit crap you continuing to work so he could enjoy a nice lifestyle for an additional 5 years and then you retire and have to start cutting back so you can’t enjoy a nice lifestyle, which depending on how your finances are could possibly be how it plays out.

A chat about retirement finances and plans is definitely needed sooner than later otherwise this resentment is going to just build.

ClassicalQueen · 16/08/2025 21:03

If it’s so much of a big deal just retire early? If that isn’t feasible financially, then he can continue working until you can afford to retire together.

prelovedusername · 16/08/2025 21:25

He’s reached retirement age sooner because he started working earlier, so it’s not unreasonable for him to finish work at the same age you expect to.

However it sounds like you need to have a serious chat about the division of housekeeping under the new arrangement. He needs to realise the only thing he’s retired from is paid work.

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