Husbands “jokes” about him retiring before I do

[Oscarsmom71]

So husband is 5 years older than me
He is 7 years off state pension age. I am 12 years.
He thinks it’s funny to constantly make quips and off the cuff comments about how he will be enjoying his free time whilst I am still working on.
We both have moderate to ok pensions mine are better than his.
I have recently done well in my career due to prioritising children until they reached adulthood, However when we met 30 years ago he was financially on his knees, debt, no house, I had my own house. Do we used all the equity I had to put into a home for ourselves. I was happy to do this.
We combined everything and I never even thought about it.
But his little comments and jokes about him doing what he wants whilst I work in here and there are really annoying me and I feel disrespectful.
When I say they are not nice he says he’s just joking. But I am feeling more and more tired. My job is stressful and I work full time,
So the thought of me working in is just not great for me.
I maybe able to retire slightly early but I just feel his comments are not supportive or respectful.
AIBU ?

Tell him that you're looking forward to it too and can't wait to come home to a clean house and a home cooked meal every day.

I wouldn't want to spend my retirement with someone who doesn't like me.

She has already contributed far more than he has if you read the OP. There isn’t sone requirement that both people have to have worked the same number of years.

oP if he dares suggest you can’t retire early just throw back at him that he’s already benefited off you having set him up in housing and accepting him paying off all his debts rather than contributing to savings for years c

@bumbaloo I wonder how much extra he was contributing financially whilst she was "prioritising children until they reached adulthood"? From this do we assume she was working part time whilst he was working full time?

Are married couples really keeping tally of their financial contributions from over 30 years ago? Lots of couples have financial disparity throughout a long marriage.

As I said, they should see a financial planner to help work out what is the best age for both of them to retire based on their personal pensions as well as their state pensions. That might mean one of them retires earlier than the other. I think most people are getting pretty pissed off with working by the time they hit 55.

I'd point out that you won't have enough annual leave to do any long holidays until you're both retired and he'll be old and decrepit by the time you have retired so may not get the best out of them. Then suggest perhaps you should retire early, especially as you put more into the house initially. I'm about as subtle as a brick though...

This is true, but he is still 5 years older than she is and so he likely has an average 5 fewer years left to live than she does; probably more than that, considering the differences in male and female life expectancy.

As enjoyable as retirement can very frequently be, the whole reason why people retire is because, to put it bluntly, their abilities are starting to slow down - before long rendering them incapable of doing paid work reliably - and will continue doing so until they die.

Without wanting to sound pessimistic, you have to be realistic and accept the twin facts that retirement is the (hopefully very long and healthy) happy period of time after your (employed) work has all finished and also the less happy period of time before you die.

On the surface of it, it does sound like he's being insensitive, but it may also be a defence mechanism whereby he realises that he isn't getting any younger and this is a marker of the fact that his remaining time is slowly dwindling - much faster than that of his DW.

Granted 67 isn't especially old, but some people in/approaching their later years start to feel a bit left behind by the world and aware of their limitations; and crowing about their retirement and no longer having to go out to work (and/or their wisdom and experience in life) is their trump card that they will often play, realising that, on balance, they don't otherwise hold an especially good hand in life anymore when compared to a young adult who has it all still to come.

I think you’re being a bit precious and looking to be offended.

He is 5yrs older and will have a shorter retirement than you because men die earlier than women.

He also has had no break from working full time his entire adult life, unlike you who “prioritised the children until they reached adulthood” which implies you were part time for what 20yrs? You think you’re burnt out? Put yourself in his shoes.

Stop being so defensive.

My DH is younger than me. I assume we will retire together.

I'm not sure what the problem is. He's older than you so he's got every right to retire earlier. You will have started work later than him and will probably live beyond him. That's life and what always happens when there's an age difference. Lighten up it's just a joke!

This😂

No. Dh is 14 years older than me and I’ll be so happy when he retires. It might cheer the miserable twat up but also I like the idea of him not having to work.

I work term time only. I absolutely joke with him about the fact I’ll be in bed whilst he’s working.

It sounds like you’re pretty miserable. Relationships shouldn’t be like this!

He is older so why wouldn't he? And there is lots of women who do nothing long before men retire

Yes dear
I'm looking forward to it too. You'll be responsible for all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, house admin, car admin and house & garden maintenance for five years until I retire and we split it equally.

It'll be so much easier working and having all that taken care of.

Bet it hasn't even crossed his mind that he should do those things while you work - start setting out uour expectations now so they're not a surprise when he retires.

I’m going to retire 5 years or more before DH , he has made the odd crack about me doing x y z when I retire but I’ve told him straight I’ll be doing what I want. I’ve never made a joke to him about it infact I’m very focussed on making a plan for him to try to go earlier to join me.

He has reached retirement age first so I don’t understand why this is a surprise to you?! I also don’t understand what you taking the majority of the financial strain early in your marriage has to do with it- are you saying you want him to carry on working so he can put more into the pot to equalise things? If so and as this has been simmering for a long time then best have this discussion soon as it will eat away at you for years to come, and is not entirely fair if you went into it ‘happy to do so’ and now want repayment.

to be blunt, it sounds as though the main reason for the resentment is that you dislike your job and are jealous of him. his comments looking forward to his retirement are highlighting this jealousy and maybe he keeps saying them because you are not happy or supportive in anyway for him looking forward to his retirement and he is not getting the reaction he is seeking from you- he is allowed to be happy about this!! Have you actually spoken to him about what his plans are for retirement? Maybe indulge him a little to talk about hobbies etc he might take up, and things you can do together??

I would take control of your own situation regardless- if you don’t like your job then make a plan to retire early, save what you can in the next few years, sell assets and downsize etc. go part time so you get more free time, or change jobs to something less stressful- then you won’t have to feel jealous and resentful.

He started working before you though, and what did your 'prioritising children til adulthood' actually look like for you and him?

I do think the change in women’s retirement age has a lot to do with this. Your retirement ages would have lined up before we suddenly had to work 7 years longer. This really upsets me. Yes men do statistically die a bit younger, but all that means is we end up with less quality time together. I’m in a similar situation of putting more into the house, etc. (And don’t have children, so have worked solidly and for longer). I would love for mine to potter around doing the meals and housework, but I know that won’t happen as he won’t even help when we both work full time. If you can’t afford to retire early then I don’t know what the answer is, but I understand how you feel. It’s the same for me.

'Suddenly'?

The government gave between fifteen and twenty five years notice.

I think women need to be very, very, very careful, going down the road of ' whoever, contributed more to the pension pot gets the call the shots'.

Say nothing, just work on and smile. Retiring is the short cut to age. Enjoy your time working with your friends, and go shopping. I am74 working part time in a supermarket. It lightens my week. My mum did the same, just two days a, week in Sainsbury's. She loved it

I’m 2 years younger than DH. He enjoys work more than I do and earns more, I don’t enjoy work as much and can go at 60 with a decent pension (4 years time). We’ve sat down and looked at finances and discussed what we want to do with our retirement and how to manage travelling plans with a dog …. And also that his parents are starting to need a bit more help….and his kids are going to need financial support to buy a house…

We are looking to see how we can make that all work and it’s likely he’ll stay working part time for a year or two.

but we discussed it as a couple.

I’m four years older than DH so will retire earlier. We have talked about him retiring a few years earlier so that we can enjoy our time together travelling. He earns more than me so his pension should be as good if not better than mine by retirement.

OPs relationship sounds poor all round.

@ZuveI’m glad you are enjoying part time work. There is a man in my local Sainsbury’s who is 94 and still works a shift each week. He doesn’t do it for the money. He says he loves the interaction with the public and being part of the store team. Good for him!

That all sounds very unMumsnet @BadActingParsley

It is kind of funny that he is flexing about being older and therefore statistically closer to dying than you

either “yes dear” him or go with the Bora Bora plan from the first poster which sounds totally like my kind of plan 😎

OP also hasn't mentioned what job her husband does do. It could be a lot more physically demanding and his body simply won't be able to carry on doing some of the work. I've known 3 couples who's DH retired and we're dead within the year. All had manual, hard jobs.