Husbands “jokes” about him retiring before I do

[Oscarsmom71]

So husband is 5 years older than me
He is 7 years off state pension age. I am 12 years.
He thinks it’s funny to constantly make quips and off the cuff comments about how he will be enjoying his free time whilst I am still working on.
We both have moderate to ok pensions mine are better than his.
I have recently done well in my career due to prioritising children until they reached adulthood, However when we met 30 years ago he was financially on his knees, debt, no house, I had my own house. Do we used all the equity I had to put into a home for ourselves. I was happy to do this.
We combined everything and I never even thought about it.
But his little comments and jokes about him doing what he wants whilst I work in here and there are really annoying me and I feel disrespectful.
When I say they are not nice he says he’s just joking. But I am feeling more and more tired. My job is stressful and I work full time,
So the thought of me working in is just not great for me.
I maybe able to retire slightly early but I just feel his comments are not supportive or respectful.
AIBU ?

If this isn’t what you want, you need to make this clear to him.

I think you maybe feel some resentment because - while he’s 5 years older than you - he wasn’t 5 years ahead of you financially when you met. So you had to bear an unfair load at the start of your relationship and now he’s glorying because he thinks you’ll be doing this at the end?

There is no rule that people have to retire at state pension age - you can go earlier or later. If you’ve built up a better private pension due to saving when you were single, then you could retire early. He could work on a bit to improve his own private pension provision if it’s lower.

Id have a frank talk about your expectations so you’re both clear on the plan

Thanks for all the replies.
Lots thought provoking.
For information his job is a desk job wfh everyday. No travel works 8 am to 4pm. Not stressful by his own admission he is paid just slightly more than I am because of his specific knowledge.
I am middle management in public sector in an area known to stressful.
I love my job as it helps others but the thought of doing it until I’m 67 fills me with dread as I’m tired now. Menopause has hit ! Mine involves site travel 3 times a week so get up at 6.30 am back at 6pm. I manage a large team of staff. I wfh the 2 other days.
I took a step back from management for several years so I was there for DC and reduced to part time. I don’t regret this as DC benefited and so did I. My salary in this time halved so impacted my pension contributions. Went back up to full time 5 years ago and got a good promotion.
I am not jealous or resentful but just feel his jibes/comments are uncaring as he knows retirement is playing on my mind.
Ive told him about how jokes are not considering my feelings snd we’ve discussed this morning so we are going to discuss a plan of how we can both retire together which won’t involve him working more at all. He has apologised for how this had made me feel. We have a large house so could downsize.
As for the ‘he’s closer to death’ comments these are not helpful or nice and I would never say that to him as I wish us both a long life together where we can share retirement to our best.
Thanks all appreciate the responses.

Sounds like the two of you are on the same page now. That’s great. Wishing you a happy, healthy retirement together.

This.

My DH is 9 years older than me & retired whereas I still work & can't retire for another 5 years. He does 98% of cooking (makes me a packed lunch every day), all laundry (including ironing & putting away) & the majority of the housework.

good the situation is resolved @Oscarsmom71

Do you actually want to see out your days with this prize specimen of manhood?

Next time, tell him that you're really looking forward to turning all of the house stuff over to him since he'll be a home. You'll look forward to a cooked meal when getting in and you can't wait

Tbh he's getting cocky too early. He might find the rug pulled when they put the age up..

Tell him you're looking forward to it too, it'll be nice to have someone to keep the house clean and put a meal on the table for when you get back from work.

It has been said.
It's dumb.... and vile.

Retire with him. I have accessed 2 pensions over the age of 55

Sounds like you pick at each other.

Just one more common for those suggesting they joke about him dying first.
In any long relationship, the one that dies first is the lucky one. The one that out live to them has all the grief to deal with all the practicalities to deal with and is facing a future of possibly decades of loneliness as a widow. Maybe he should joke about that!

My response?
”I’m really looking forward to coming home from work to a clean house, laundry done and my dinner on the table” 🙂

For anyone saying this he doesn’t do housework unless I ask he sees it as a waste of life.

But quite happy for you to waste yours?

This tells you what he thinks of you doing the lion's share of everything in the home. Waste of YOUR life. Honestly he sounds awful and sees the drugdework as being beneath him, but not you. Do you want to stay together long term?

Right, but him talking about retiring earlier than you is the biggest problem in your marriage 😬

But isn’t he due to retire before you?

i say this because your backstory of him being broke and you bailing him out sounds like resentment and regret over a decision you made.

are you projecting?

I'd be saying Im seriously thinking about a divorce as you refuse to consider my feelings
Im 63 OP and have totally lost any sense of humour about work because I am bloody knackered and completely worn down by it.
Repeated "jokes" would be more than I could stand.

Yeah that would annoy me if it was constant. Just remind him that he’s also 5 years older and that’s 5 years closer to death than you are (in theory!).

He’s 5 years older. He’s worked or studied 5 more years. If it was going to be such a problem you should have married someone the same age.

You're being taken for a mug op, I hope you can find your backbone and stop wasting your life doing any shopping, washing, cooking, cleaning or other unpaid work on his account.

Then he won't mind if you don't do it either and he lives in a shitheap with dirty dishes and no clean clothes or bedsheets.

This reminds me of a boyfriend I had many years ago. I didn't expect him to pay for everything and was very happy for us to take it in turns to pay and it was roughly equal. But every time it was my turn to pay, he'd start saying "Pay for me! Haha, pay for me, woman! I just got this meal for free while you paid!" He said he was joking but you know what they say about jokes and it really, really turned me off. Still annoys me to think about now. When he paid, I just said thank you and I appreciated it.

What a smug bastard!
Can you check your contribution with DWP to see if you have enough years in to retire early? I know you can’t get the SP early but if your contributions are up to the level required and you can live on your private pension why not retire early? At least it will two fingers to your smug FW husband.

My husband retired a few years ago, he’s 9 years older than me. I’m still working FT. So we live on my salary which allows his superannuation (pension) to grow. He does all the house admin, cooking, shopping and running around (organising car services etc). I can just concentrate on work, I’m much less stressed on the home front. And because I’m essentially supporting us, any major purchases (I recently updated my car) comes out of his super. He’s happy to do all of this. The key thing is that I love my job, so I don’t want to retire yet. But as I will retire much later than him, we are now prioritising things that we can do together, like o/s trips. We both love to travel & have decided we shouldn’t wait until I’m retired for that.

It can work, you both just need to talk openly so you don’t feel you are being taken advantage of/taken for granted.