Husbands “jokes” about him retiring before I do

[Oscarsmom71]

So husband is 5 years older than me
He is 7 years off state pension age. I am 12 years.
He thinks it’s funny to constantly make quips and off the cuff comments about how he will be enjoying his free time whilst I am still working on.
We both have moderate to ok pensions mine are better than his.
I have recently done well in my career due to prioritising children until they reached adulthood, However when we met 30 years ago he was financially on his knees, debt, no house, I had my own house. Do we used all the equity I had to put into a home for ourselves. I was happy to do this.
We combined everything and I never even thought about it.
But his little comments and jokes about him doing what he wants whilst I work in here and there are really annoying me and I feel disrespectful.
When I say they are not nice he says he’s just joking. But I am feeling more and more tired. My job is stressful and I work full time,
So the thought of me working in is just not great for me.
I maybe able to retire slightly early but I just feel his comments are not supportive or respectful.
AIBU ?

He knows that you pulled him out of a financial hole, you then prioritised the family and now you're doing well at work, and you have a better pension. He's feeling insecure about being older, less financially able etc etc and it sounds to me that you've done a fabulous job. He's putting you down to feel better about himself.
I'm with @MySweetGeorgina you can point out, 'also closer to death dear', or if particularly annoyed, 'I would have retired early if I hadn't sorted out your finances, so pipe down and get out your duster, you need practice'.
Definitely start listing all the DIY jobs that need doing, and the housework jobs he's taking on at retirement, and suggest a part-time job so that he can help you retire early and he can top up his less good pension. Maybe just tell his it's annoying you and why.
Oh and go to Bora Bora, I love this idea!

Christ. If she hates him that much, just divorce.

Sumgly pointing out he's closer to death really isn't a great thing to do. In fact it's vile.

dont worry,
i will find you plenty to keep you busy

and,
i will carry on working just so i dont have to be at home with you!

Please note I said - Maybe just tell him it's annoying you and why.
It was a joke 🤣

does he actually have retirement plans?
can be quite overwhelming i would imagine op

these are unpleasant comments certainly. He will still need to contribute to household snd life expenses out of his retirement income and be spending only his retirement money snd not your income. He’ll have more time to help at home, cooking, shopping, household jobs. All this assumes he is a nice snd fair man (which is possibly a very rare thing).

Oh I see!
Sometimes something can just be a "joke" with no real nastiness behind it.

Thanks for explaining that!

She doesn't touch on what happened for the years where she prioritised the kids and family over work. Presumably he 'paid her back' by stepping up then?

I’d be quite excited by my husband doing all the cooking gardening and cleaning while I focus on work. He’d love it too. At the moment it’s shared and it’s a killer. Joke back with him

If he’s planning to carry on to 67 that’s enough I think. It’s also enough for you to join him then when you’re 62. Can you afford to do that?
He’s just starting to see the possibility in front of him so it’s on his mind all the time. You have a few years to discuss this. Start getting him used to the idea of you retiring ‘early’ (I personally think 60 is enough).
Don’t retire early out of resentment though. You may prefer having more money and the support of him at home.

I should have highlighted that point to be fair! It made sense in my head 😁

Does he like his job? Is he respected in his role? I am lucky enough to have a job I enjoy and that I can do part time. I am past formal retirement age but I am honestly a bit horrified by the thought of stopping altogether and just living to consume leisure products such as travel, hobbies etc. It feels a bit like an early death. I wonder if a part of your dh consciously or unconsciously feels the same?

I must say I absolutely 100% get why so many retired people throw themselves into voluntary roles.

Can you (entirely positively and not spitefully!) keep a quiet eye out for things locally that match his talents and interests? And start some more serious conversations about how he will spend his time. Most people I think would prefer to be out and about among other people for part of the week, than lonely and bored at home 8-6, mon-fri while their spouse is working, and it would almost certainly keep him mentally and physically younger for when the time comes that you can join him.

And/or helping with dgc of course, if that is the situation?

Time to say that you will be more relaxed when he retires as you will just have to work while he does all the admin, housework, cleaning & cooking.

But he'll be doing all the grunt work at home surely? Cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. so a win for you for the last few years of employment before reverting to 50/50? If he hadn't factored that in you could remind him every time he gets smug.

Tbh, with a dh/ partner 5 years older, it would be quite normal for him to retire earlier- he reaches state pension age first. If you have the required 35 years NI contributions in 7 years time and your private pension is good enough, just retire at the same time as him.

That's something I hadn't thought of. He gets to enjoy his first few years of retirement without any major change whereas when she retires the change in income could be significant. I think they should both retire together.

Those saying he's worked all his life so he should retire first, fair enough but he's retiring to live on op's income. Normally that wouldn't matter but he's throwing it in her face about him being able to sit on his arse all day.

Mine retired first and it did make a notable difference to me - all meals cooked, all the shopping , all the household admin and housework ,the garden , the laundry , any driving and running around - perhaps you need to turn these jokes around ?

also men can joke like idiots when they are a bit scared of the change which can be bigger for men in terms of identity and friendships

Curious what the answer is then OP?

You want him to work until he drops until you’re old enough to retire, or you compromise your and his later life so you get to not work as long as he’ll have had to?

Statistically, you’ll also have more retirement years than him too..

maybe not the full age gap, but of course he’s more likely to retire before you?!

It's sometimes to cover up feelings about being 'old' or not working. People have complicated feelings about retirement and leaving work.

My DH is 7 years older than me and could get his state pension at 65. I'm not able to get my state pension until I am 67, so officially he could have retired 9 years before me.

In fact, he retired at 67, working 2 years over his state pension age. I am retiring at 65, as I am unwell, so I will have retired 6 years after him. As I won't yet have my state pension things will be a bit tight until I do, but we have been saving for it and I have a workplace pension so it is doable.

It's great if your joint plans work for you, of course - and it's nobody else's decision; but some couples have very big age gaps and still don't seem to think about what that will mean for their retirement.

It's by no means unheard of for there to be a 20 or even 30-year age gap in couples. If they expect to retire at the same time, does that mean the younger one gets to quit at 37, or that the older one has to keep working until 97?!

Obviously for most couples with age gaps, they're considerably smaller tham that; but I still don't think a lot of people always think through, when younger, about the practicalities of how it's going to play out when the time comes in later life. 30 and 40 might seem totally insignificant, but 60 and 70 maybe not so much.

Agreed. I'm 7 years younger than DH, I fully anticipate that he will retire before me, why wouldn't he? He started work when I was still in school 😂

@Oscarsmom71

Sorry if this has been said already, (haven't read all the comments,) but just say 'yes dear, but you'll be dead long before me! Not only coz you're 5 years older, but because men die before their wives anyway!'

I don’t think that’s already been said, I’d hope there’s not more than one person to make such a dumb comment

This is the sort of thing my husband and I would tease each other about, but we’d both be finding it funny. You’re finding it upsetting so him continuing to do it is him deliberately upsetting you. Try have a proper discussion with him about it, and if he continues then I think you’re justified in getting cross with him.