Husbands “jokes” about him retiring before I do

[Oscarsmom71]

So husband is 5 years older than me
He is 7 years off state pension age. I am 12 years.
He thinks it’s funny to constantly make quips and off the cuff comments about how he will be enjoying his free time whilst I am still working on.
We both have moderate to ok pensions mine are better than his.
I have recently done well in my career due to prioritising children until they reached adulthood, However when we met 30 years ago he was financially on his knees, debt, no house, I had my own house. Do we used all the equity I had to put into a home for ourselves. I was happy to do this.
We combined everything and I never even thought about it.
But his little comments and jokes about him doing what he wants whilst I work in here and there are really annoying me and I feel disrespectful.
When I say they are not nice he says he’s just joking. But I am feeling more and more tired. My job is stressful and I work full time,
So the thought of me working in is just not great for me.
I maybe able to retire slightly early but I just feel his comments are not supportive or respectful.
AIBU ?

I have to say, my answer to him woukd be
‘Great. You’re right. You’re going to be a stay at home husband first 5 years. So I imagine we’ll have the same organisation than when I was a stay athome mum rigut? You do all the cooking, cleaning, run around, sitting out contact with the dcs, weekends, meals etc! And I’ll concentrate on just work. Like you did’

Its only a joke and bring smug because he sees it as him doing absolutely nothing whilst you still do two jobs - yours agd running the house.

Time to reset expectations.

Definitely agree with the chat about division of housekeeping, as given his approach, it is likely there may be issues there if there weren't/are already.

The amount of people I see expecting a still working spouse or their grown children to fetch-bring-carry because they've 'retired' is unreal. Retirement is just ceasing paid employment, not retirement from other responsibility!

YANBU - are you in a position to take early retirement?

He really needs to pull his finger out of his arse and start helping more. He has eyes, he can see what needs doing. Better start now so he can get the practice in on what will be his responsibility whilst you’re at work. That and the fact he should have been doing it himself for the past 30 years.

“A waste of life”

No it IS life. It needs to be done. He won’t do it but it more than happy for you to? He is incredibly disrespectful of you and your time. He is already showing you who he is, believe him!

You must remember that as a woman you don't naturally have much of a sense of humour while he, being a man, is allowed to make jokes about anything he likes whether they are nice, or nasty or hurt the person hearing them. That's the natural order of things and you should go back to the kitchen and make him a cup of tea to apologise for having an opinion.

And I'm sure he might think you have grown a sense of humour if you start making silly statements about him doing all the housework while you continue to work after he stops earning.

<sarcasm>

DH is 4 years older than me and his pension will be far better than mine. But we plan to retire together as soon as financially feasible to enjoy quality time together.

I wouldn’t be happy working once he stops and he says he doesn’t want to be retired without me also being retired to enjoy it together.

Why do you say he should keep working past the usual retirement age just because he is older and so able to retire now?

My husband is 8 years older than me, he will retire well
before me. That doesn’t make me bitter, I’m not going to make him keep working past retirement age just because I’m younger and don’t get to retire. I have a much better pension than him as he supported us when I was much younger rather than paying into his pension. Swings and roundabouts.

He has said that he promises to become a “house husband” though and take over all chores so when I’m not working we can enjoy our time together rather than doing housework.

We have got a "friend" who is like this. He is retired and always joking publicly, about how his younger wife is his pension plan. She works 6 days a week to keep the house going.
I don't know why she stays with him.

My DH is 11 years older than me so obviously he retired before me. He never joked about me still working though, and it was wonderful to come home to dinner on the go and him in his apron asking if I’d had a good day. .

Who’s closer to death??
No one and everyone? we don’t know if or who will die when.
And if he keeps slim and fit he can probably look forward to a couple of years with dementia in a care home before the end

He is.

Good advice, imo

YANBU that would drive me crackers.
However start drawing up a list of stuff that needs doing around the house whilst you're still working and he isn't. He might then try and find a way to enable an earlier retirement for you so that you can retire at the same time as he does.

I'd be telling him about the household chores he'd need to be taking responsibility for now he has the time as well as having dinner ready for you when you get home.

I think you should do your retirement planning together for when finances allow both of you to retire .

I believe that retirement age used to be 65 for men & 60 for women so this would originally have meant they would have retired around the same time.

MN man-hater alert!

So basically he should keep working until well past his retirement age until OP is ready to call it quits? What if he was 10 years older, 20 years older?

Or to put another way, bearing in mind in most relationships the man is the “breadwinner”, you have no problem in all those cases with the woman carrying on working until she dies because otherwise the man “will be subsidising” her.

My dh is due to retire within 2 years and I'm due to retire in 23 years.

Why does it bother you so much?

@Oscarsmom71 Glad to hear you had the discussion.

I was going to suggest something similar to what you described.

DH and I have been slowly forming our retirement plan for the past 5 years (we’re in our 50s) as he will retire from his career in the next 2 years. I always joked that he may be retiring from his current job, but that doesn’t mean he is retiring from working. -He’s in a career that generally people retire with full pension of between 60-80% of salary after 20-30 years. Not exactly typical where I live (US) but not unheard of either in certain sectors)

Our loose plan (up until last week -more on that later) was for him to retire then to retrain to a ‘retirement job’ while I continued to work FT in my current career but then transition myself into a ‘retirement job’ with less demands (and less pay). All of this coupled with a big location move when our caring responsibilities end (we’re currently caring for a few old people). Then eventually we’d continue to wind down our working as finances and desire allowed until fully retired when we can access our retirement savings without penalty.

Great plan huh? Well the wrench into the works have all been on my end. 6 months ago a cancer diagnosis then last week I was laid off/made redundant… go me 😬.

Your comments about your job hit home… I’m equal parts terrified and relieved that I’m unemployed. We’re fine money wise so while we will have to adjust our lifestyle a bit, we’re not in losing the house territory. Timing wise I still have this month of treatment left and we have a trip planned for next month so I’m going to start my unemployment activities but I’m not planning on diving into them as a replacement full time job until after my trip.

Ultimately, I think I’m going to enact my ‘retirement job’ now… take a little time to get recertification in some skills I let lapse during my career and look for that less stressful job now. I’m actually a little relieved if I’m honest. I sort of floated into a role that I didn’t love and bring me a whole lot of satisfaction but it payed pretty damn well.

Don’t know if any of that resonates with you but I thought I’d share in case any of it would make sense with your situation.

Maybe you could make a plan for things that he could accomplish in the house if he is at a loose-end you can look forward to having a cordon-bleu meal in the evening he might surprise you !
l

This!!

If anybody sent up to their partner, I'd expect them to divorce them.Then immediately take half their pension.

"How nice dear. We're divorced give me half of everything."

Give him a list every morning of what he needs to do when you leave for work. He thinks looking after the house is "a waste of life" but having a lie in and watching daytime TV isn't? He is very strange.

Make it clear to him that when you are the only one working you will expect to come home to a clean house and a cooked dinner every day. That should give him
pause for thought.