Is this the new CF normal?

[arcticpandas]

When I married DH we didn't have a "registar" or anything like that. We said your presence is your gift to us and meant it. Some still gave objects or money in cards. We were ofcourse greatful and thanked them.
As for when our sons were born we got gifts for them from family and friends; all from clothing to toys etc. Mil offered us the stroller that we got to pick out. An aunt and an uncle sent us money. Friends and family sent toys/books/clothing. We thanked everyone and sent out thank you cards.

Now the "new generation" (in their thirties) of family members and friends marrying and having children seem to be really CF (or we're extremely unlucky). Three weddings recently (2 family not close and 1 friends children). All of them asked for money. Ok, fine. Then we get e-mails about where to transfer money. Ok. Then follow up email saying for those who can't transfer there will be a box on the wedding where we can put card with money. It also states we can do both ofcourse (!). We gave 300 £ to family and 200 £ to friends children- never received a personal thank you, just a generic thank you e-mail that went out to all on the list. This for all 3 weddings.

Now two family members have given birth. I was looking forward to find nice gifts that would also be useful. Well, that was until I received e-mails from both couples (they used the wedding group mail) where they stated that monetary gifts for the baby can be transferred on x account and for those wanting to buy physical gifts they have a registar in two different shops. One with extremely pricey clothing (the least expensive gift they had chosen was 65£) and one with wooden toys and furniture (also extremely expensive but there were some things around 50-70£).

I just don't want to get any of them anything. It's on my DH side so I will let him deal with it. I just can't get over their greediness and entitlement. Some of their family members are wealthy but some not at all but they will still buy something and then maybe eat pasta for the rest of the month. I don't remember anyone doing this 15-20 years ago. We surely didn't. I wouldn't dream of doing it because it just feels like CFuckery.

AIBU?
YES- At 45 you're old and do not understand that this is how it's done now.
NO- It's wrong to pressure family and friends into giving things they might not afford.

I’m in my late 40’s and been married over 20 years. A gift registry for a wedding was very much the thing. I kind of wish we had made a registry as while we most got cash, we did get a lot of vouchers but to a variety of shops which made it difficult to buy things plus we got a lot of duplicate gifs. 3 vases, 2 sets if the sand crystal glasses (actually not bothered they matched), a set of other glasses that didn’t match and 2 toasters - from my bridesmaids and I told one of them that the other was getting us a toaster!

We had moved in together so didn’t really need cheaper gifts so preferred money for example we bought a dining table and chairs. We would never expect to get a gift like that off one or two people.

Only in laws asked what we wanted/needed for baby, everyone rise got clothes. As you expect them too. A gift registry for a baby is crass and really should only be for family and only given to those who ask for it!

I understand the requests towards honeymoon for a wedding - and don’t mind if it is worded well. It’s where I miss cheques - showing my age perhaps - as a bank transfer feels very transactional to me - and then there’s just a Card on the day.
I am not a fan of baby gift registers at all. I think it is rude and presumptions to send one with a birth announcement - these lists should only be sent if actually requested! I prefer to choose a gift and always enclose the receipt so it can be changed. Either that or vouchers.
It takes seconds to send a personal email/text/WhatsApp message and so I do think they all thank yous should be personal - whether for £5 or £500.

I don’t think this is entirely normal anymore but some people will always try their luck. DH and I got married 2 years ago and asked for no presents or monetary contributions. I’ll be doing the same when we come to having children. A very close friend (she was my bridesmaid, I was hers) did the same — no expectation for a present or even a card. Just come and enjoy the day. We’re both early 30s if that makes a difference.

Interestingly the only people who ignored our “please no gifts, just come and enjoy yourselves” were the older generations. Obviously we were grateful but it absolutely wasn’t necessary or expected.

I voted YABU because you don’t have to go along with it.

Really??
Never in my life have I had a £200 meal!
Serioulsy glad I’m a Billy no mates and don’t get invited to weddings!

I agree. It’s grabby and grubby. £200.00 is very generous! If they have to rely on ‘contributions’ perhaps save up a bit longer. We were married over 30 years ago, paid for everything ourselves and when asked about gifts said just come and enjoy yourselves and meant it. People were kind though and we were given vouchers, a set of towels etc. Every person received a hand written note signed by us both. I couldn’t imagine asking for money. Haven’t been to a wedding for ages but last time I did there was a list which I ignored and bought a voucher and champagne. New babies in our circle get books.

I don’t think this is the norm at all, I wouldn’t dream of doing this and don’t know anyone who has.

I think with a lot of couples these days getting married after already cohabiting, the money thing just makes sense. But one mention is enough. I would so much rather give money for a wedding than a random gift. I’ve also gifted things like a tasting menu sort of thing. I’ve been to 5 weddings in the past year and received handwritten thank yous from each of them.

The only thing I’ve ever been asked to bring for a baby shower was a favourite children’s book which I thought was a lovely idea.

You're NOT being unreasonable. I cant believe you actually gave £x hundred!! I honestly think that £50 in this day and age is adequate monetary gift (unless it was my own child) I had this conversation only last week. Baby showers??? I mean just stop it!! Gifts for mum to be, then gifts for baby - when does it stop! The grandma to be said she'd offered to pay for the pram (or whatever it is nowadays - something that turns into everything). It turned out to be just shy of £1k. I don't even consider myself to be tight fisted - we will do anything for family, we really will, but get real - not going to spend a fortune on something "you really, really MUST have for baby" when in reality WE know will probably be used / worn once then be grown out of! I personally think all this 'entitlement' is just for one upmanship!

I fot married 6 years ago and recently had 2 children. Didnt ask for nothing for neither occasion. Only peoples presence and company. Even with the kids didn't ask for anything. My DPs offered to but travel system so we accepted that. And that's it. It was a bit annoying as we were gifted repeats and things we didn't need multiples of. Way too many soft toys. Way to many blankets. So we did just regift or put on vinted. Lots of stores we do not have local so couldn't swap out.

The most useful things needed PP

• nappies
• baby wash products and skincare
• cetraban and Sudacrem
• meal prep
• people to come round to keep you company
• people to come round to good baby so you can bathe / sleep etc.

I seen a lovely family do Meal prep party as their baby shower. Each family member came to the expectants home and prepped one dish. I thought that was a great idea.

If I was your don't get anything from the list and gift them £20 or take some nappies around.

So do I

If someone buys you a gift or gifts money to you, then you send a personalised thank you, not a general one. It’s called manners. An individual acknowledgement of the generosity shown to you needs an individual response. End of.

I never give money. People can’t dictate what they are given. And if they don’t say thank you they won’t get gifts again in future.

I understand that people want money sometimes for gifts. I’d rather give gift vouchers but will give money if asked. But to not receive a personalised hand written thank you for the money and to say thank you for attending is really rude and ungrateful. It took me ages to write my thank you cards but I did it because I’m not ignorant. Also, I wouldn’t give as much as you gave OP. Weddings are often expensive to attend so a few hundred quid on top of that is too much imo.

I'd rather not get that kind of Thank You at all

If that's your level of effort then I'll match it in the future

It’s super tacky to ask for money and unbelievably rude to fail to send a personal thank you. Good manners should never go out of style. It’s not you, it’s them!

I find this pretty grim … it seems incredibly grasping and at the same time weirdly controlling and influenced by greedy feckers on Instagram …
I am a knitter, welcoming new babies is always a joy , so as a gift they receive a blanket , jacket , hat , toy or similar in colours I have checked will be appreciated . Wedding gifts will be a tree or rose bush for the garden , or mirror or handmade blanket ,or cushion cover . I’m not giving anybody money or transferring funds anywhere . If parents , Grandparents want to of course , anybody else absolutely not and incidentally my own children who are probably a similar age wouldn’t dream of making these horrible requests..

OP, I agree with you. We’ve given a lot of money as wedding gifts (inc to CFs who had a ‘donation’ pot at their wedding) and didn’t even get a text to say thank you quite a few times.

I know a lot of people my age (early thirties) striving for ‘financial freedom’ and very early retirement now which I agree sounds great - but in order to get there the people I know seem to take, take, take and not spend a penny on others in return. I had a friend in my late twenties who invited me out to dinner for a catch up (with just her) around her birthday a couple of times. I footed the bill as a gift and never got so much as a card in return. She later showed me how she divides her (huge) salary between various online ‘pots’ and it all made sense because apparently there wasn’t a pot for anyone but herself! 😂 I find it hard to have close relationships with people who are so stingy now. I’m very generous with my money, time, effort in relationships. I know not everyone can afford to be with money but it’s the lack of manners and thought which is what galls.

YABU. I’m the same age as you and we had a wedding list, as did all my friends who got married around the same time. I think we just asked for John Lewis vouchers, but could be wrong. Certainly I recall some people had itemised lists.

I totally understand if nowadays people just ask for cash (I mean presumably the origin of a wedding list was to furnish the married home, which let’s face it probably a lot of people have already furnished). More likely nowadays they’re saving for a deposit.

And it’s far too risky to get a random gift you don’t want. I vaguely recall getting some random soft furnishing from my aunt which we both hated but had to roll out every time, she came to visit (fortunately she lived abroad!).

As for a baby gifts, I’ve never asked or been asked for baby gifts. Maybe that’s just my family and friends, but I’ll tell you for nothing, having random gifts turn up is to totally unmanageable. You’re 100% likely to get things you don’t need / want / or have already bought. A supply of nappies and wipes is the most useful thing you’d get.

It’s very cheeky isn’t it?
I have the same thing happen to me a few times over recent years. In the eighties and nineties it used to be a gift list that they would send out. Now it’s always money that they ask for - and like you said hardly a thank you afterwards.
I have started to decline the invitations and just send fifty pounds. At least I am not bankrupting myself with that because not only is it the cost financial gift, it’s the outfits and cost of the day that all mounts up if you attend.

This is really grim. I was so grateful for everything we received when we had a baby. Some of the most useful gifts were the £5 muslins and I didn’t even expect them.

my goodness that is generous. my mum gave us £25 each birthday and Christmas for almost 40 years.
which was fine as she had a lot of grandchildren.

I used to give my great nieces and nephews money/gift every Christmas.
3 years ago I decided that if my nieces and nephews didn’t have time to put a quick message saying
Thank you, the gift / money arrived safely - then I would no longer give a gift.
It’s cut my list by half.

You're not wrong, OP, that sounds incredibly grabby.

We said that gifts were strictly optional but that if people wanted to get us something then to use their own judgement.

We sent everyone who came to our wedding personal thank yous whether they got us a gift, gave us money or didn't give us a gift at all.

I found after a while that it was easier just to accept that young people don't generally bother with thank you letters for gifts. I try to give and not worry if they don't thank me but I do wonder about it - what it says about their connections to other people/the older generation and also what it means for us all if we just don't bother to acknowledge each other? I also find it odd that with so many ways of communicating the recipient has chosen not to bother. When a lovely thank you letter arrives (like three or four years ago for a wedding gift from a young couple) it stays with me - especially if its thoughfully and carefully written.

The request for cash, I'm fine with that. I get that young people live in small houses and are tight for cash - their mortgages are well in excess of anything I've had to pay - but the lack of acknowledgment of cash or gift is careless even though I chose not to dwell on it too much.