Is this the new CF normal?

[arcticpandas]

When I married DH we didn't have a "registar" or anything like that. We said your presence is your gift to us and meant it. Some still gave objects or money in cards. We were ofcourse greatful and thanked them.
As for when our sons were born we got gifts for them from family and friends; all from clothing to toys etc. Mil offered us the stroller that we got to pick out. An aunt and an uncle sent us money. Friends and family sent toys/books/clothing. We thanked everyone and sent out thank you cards.

Now the "new generation" (in their thirties) of family members and friends marrying and having children seem to be really CF (or we're extremely unlucky). Three weddings recently (2 family not close and 1 friends children). All of them asked for money. Ok, fine. Then we get e-mails about where to transfer money. Ok. Then follow up email saying for those who can't transfer there will be a box on the wedding where we can put card with money. It also states we can do both ofcourse (!). We gave 300 £ to family and 200 £ to friends children- never received a personal thank you, just a generic thank you e-mail that went out to all on the list. This for all 3 weddings.

Now two family members have given birth. I was looking forward to find nice gifts that would also be useful. Well, that was until I received e-mails from both couples (they used the wedding group mail) where they stated that monetary gifts for the baby can be transferred on x account and for those wanting to buy physical gifts they have a registar in two different shops. One with extremely pricey clothing (the least expensive gift they had chosen was 65£) and one with wooden toys and furniture (also extremely expensive but there were some things around 50-70£).

I just don't want to get any of them anything. It's on my DH side so I will let him deal with it. I just can't get over their greediness and entitlement. Some of their family members are wealthy but some not at all but they will still buy something and then maybe eat pasta for the rest of the month. I don't remember anyone doing this 15-20 years ago. We surely didn't. I wouldn't dream of doing it because it just feels like CFuckery.

AIBU?
YES- At 45 you're old and do not understand that this is how it's done now.
NO- It's wrong to pressure family and friends into giving things they might not afford.

Weddings (evening reception only) £50. For baby showers and new babies, I knit a cardigan/jacket/shawl. DP and I seem to get invited to a lot of anniversary/significant birthday parties where we are told no need for a gift, but I always email a £25 gift card for a local restaurant. Everyone seems happy with the above, especially the knitted garments for new babies!

I asked my son and DIL what they wanted when they had babies, but I'm not getting anyone else gifts. A card and that's it. Nobody even writes thank you letters anymore.

YANBU however you are to generalise it as age related as opposed to your family and friends.

I am in my thirties and have never come across this.

Stopped giving cards/money to some family as never got thanked. Rude.

There are four of us: DH, me and two sons.

Sorry but you are off my Xmas card list, it's the minimum to send a personal thank you for any gift, small or large imo

Yes absolutely, I had some amazing small gifts which were so useful for new baby.

If you cba to say thank you and not hust generic you won't get anything from me next time.

It was in the city where we live, a fancy dinner at the beach restaurant and there were four of us (Dh, me+ 2 teens).

Also I’d like to add that I am going to put £50 each into my goddaughters’ premium bonds at the end of the month to congratulate them on their exam results (one has just done her A-Levels, the other her GCSEs). I’m seeing them at the same time - guaranteed a couple of weeks later there will be two lovely thank you cards in my post box. Their Mum is adamant that you say thank you properly for gifts - be they money or something else. (And I’m going to get them necklaces with their initials locked into a geometric design as an ‘opening’ present).

All fine, very practical and completely acceptable, but a personal thank you is required. It probably takes less time than pitting together the wish list.

Okay, so I understand that people may think it’s a good idea to set up a gift registry because having a baby is so expensive and some friends and family do prefer to buy something rather than give money, so it’s helpful to have them buy the things you need BUT…WTF are they doing not putting a range of different things on the list with lower prices 🤦‍♀️. Having the lowest item at around £50 is not on when they know that some of the people they are sending the list to may not be able to afford it. I wouldn’t mind betting that there weren't many of the lower priced options either, meaning that unless you were quick you’d miss them and be stuck with the expensive stuff. Not having a range of price points on a registry is tacky and definitely CF imo.

When you invite people to a wedding you are laying on a party but when you give birth you are not holding an event. Friends and relatives may well want to send gifts and in my experience close family will often give money as many people like to open a savings account for their kids. But to be so entitled as to send a fancy gift registry list is the height of entitlement. Anyone not sure what to give can always ask. When I had my kids I was grateful for whatever I got.

I disagree when someone is generous to give you £200 or £300 good manners would dictate a proper thank you.
Anyone behaving in that manner wouldn't get anything else from me

It's totally crass rude ignorant and entitled. I knew it wouldn't be long before these dreadful money demands would start to infiltrate other occasions and not just weddings

Manners have gone out of the door in this country. There is a feeling of entitlement everywhere, it horrible.

Nah you’re not wrong one bit. I’ve got a good male friend. When he got married it said on the invitation we will only accept money as a gift. I found it tacky. So tacky that I only had it in me to give them £50. Had it not been on the invitation and worded that way I would have given more. And we didn’t even get a generic thank you let alone a personal one! Now they’re pregnant and just had their baby shower. On the invitation we were sent the gift registry where we could buy their things. It just doesn’t sit well with me. I’m getting married soon and have everything I need. I will be asking for people to donate to a charity instead.

Weddings, happy to give money, baby showers and births, nothing unless immediate family for a birth, I wouldn’t go to a baby shower in the first place.

Hard disagree to this. All gifts should receive a personal thank you. Ideally a card, or a letter.
Where have decency and manners gone?

@Sadworld23 I very much doubt @UsingAMansNameInAWomensWorld will be bothered about being struck off your Christmas card list love, considering they were clearly brought up with no regard and most certainly no manners whatsoever!

I always wrote thank you letters for any gift I received, monetary or physical, from being a child. It is the done thing in my view. I also wrote personal thank you letters after my wedding in 1995, mentioning the gift and how I'd used/spent it.
It's all down to manners and common courtesy, both things seem to be sadly lacking these days.

I also think wedding registers are grabby, rude and entitled. It's ok to ask for money or gift vouchers, but as an aside to the main reason, that they'd love for you to attend the wedding and share their celebration.
Baby showers aren't something I can get on board with. Very entitled, again grabby and showy, just for having a baby! No, you will get a gift, even of your own choosing, if you need something specific, after the event and not before!

Wow, I’m shocked!!
I definitely wouldn’t buy anything from the registry for the baby! Just buy what you’d like to and hopefully they’ll be grateful!!

Knitted cardigan present is so thoughtful and cute. I remember crying when I opened some before my son was born (good tears). I think it’s a bit tacky to have a gift list for a new baby. I’m sure you’ll put most people’s backs up by doing it. Wedding, it’s traditional but I can see nowadays people have already moved in together / own / rent their own homes etc so asking for cash makes sense. However, I think it’s polite to say “it’s just your presence not your presents we would like” to give people the choice.

Still waiting for a thank you for a cash gift given to a close family member (younger generation) when they got married last December. Nothing, not even a generic email or text.

We got married 13 years ago and we set up a holiday account with Virgin Holidays and gave the link to anyone who asked. I know people think it's tacky but we didn't need anything but people kept asking us what they could buy us. I wrote a thank you card to anyone who contributed or gave us a present - I'd have been embarrassed if I hadn't! I prefer giving money over buying presents.

I've never seen a registry for a baby thankfully and wouldn't buy off it. Then again I wouldn't go to a baby shower either!

I think gift registers are a great idea. The new couple or new parents get what they need, instead of random stuff that they might not need and that doesn't match. And it's a great way not to end up with three toasters or the same three baby books.

Yabu because some of that just is how things are done now (email thank you and gift registries).

But you are only being unreasonable of you don't feel able to just shrug about it because you know that you don't have to actually follow the list. You can just pretend it doesn't exist and buy something cute that's in your budget.

It's a wish list, not a requirement.

Imo it's crazy to give anything if you expect anything in return. I gave generously to a cousin and didn't hear a dicky bird. So what? I hope they enjoyed the gift as much as i enjoyed the weddinf and I hope they enjoyed even more not having to wrote hundreds of thank yous to "sing for their supper". The only difference between you and me is that I'm not worked up about it.