Is this the new CF normal?

[arcticpandas]

When I married DH we didn't have a "registar" or anything like that. We said your presence is your gift to us and meant it. Some still gave objects or money in cards. We were ofcourse greatful and thanked them.
As for when our sons were born we got gifts for them from family and friends; all from clothing to toys etc. Mil offered us the stroller that we got to pick out. An aunt and an uncle sent us money. Friends and family sent toys/books/clothing. We thanked everyone and sent out thank you cards.

Now the "new generation" (in their thirties) of family members and friends marrying and having children seem to be really CF (or we're extremely unlucky). Three weddings recently (2 family not close and 1 friends children). All of them asked for money. Ok, fine. Then we get e-mails about where to transfer money. Ok. Then follow up email saying for those who can't transfer there will be a box on the wedding where we can put card with money. It also states we can do both ofcourse (!). We gave 300 £ to family and 200 £ to friends children- never received a personal thank you, just a generic thank you e-mail that went out to all on the list. This for all 3 weddings.

Now two family members have given birth. I was looking forward to find nice gifts that would also be useful. Well, that was until I received e-mails from both couples (they used the wedding group mail) where they stated that monetary gifts for the baby can be transferred on x account and for those wanting to buy physical gifts they have a registar in two different shops. One with extremely pricey clothing (the least expensive gift they had chosen was 65£) and one with wooden toys and furniture (also extremely expensive but there were some things around 50-70£).

I just don't want to get any of them anything. It's on my DH side so I will let him deal with it. I just can't get over their greediness and entitlement. Some of their family members are wealthy but some not at all but they will still buy something and then maybe eat pasta for the rest of the month. I don't remember anyone doing this 15-20 years ago. We surely didn't. I wouldn't dream of doing it because it just feels like CFuckery.

AIBU?
YES- At 45 you're old and do not understand that this is how it's done now.
NO- It's wrong to pressure family and friends into giving things they might not afford.

Jesus wept

Buy a noisy toy and put the batteries in it. The noisier the better.

It all seems very grabby and impersonal to me. Weddings are to celebrate the love/marriage between two people. Giving a gift should be to be part of that celebration, not as a means for the bride and groom to get back more in gifts than they paid per head for the reception. We had a wedding list, but only gave it out when asked and had things with a selection of prices. Some family grouped together to get a more expensive item. Others bought off the list, or something similar to what was on the list if they couldn't find the same one. Others didn't use the list at all. We didn't have a baby list - some closer family members asked, but others chose their own gifts. All were appreciated. Sometimes things you didn't know you wanted end up being the best and most useful gifts. Have bought from a wedding list, but with a selection of prices. Never been given a baby list by anyone. Bought the same gift for the babies of a number of family and friends - sort of became a bit of a tradition for me to buy it. Bought it for my own child too and still have it 14 years later.

Neither is the OP.

👏👏👏

It's full of them now. Selish, entitled, talentless individuals. Such a sense of entitlement that they offer no respect or even listening skills. They can't do their job properly but think they can. They do not want to learn from other people with more experience. Why is this? What exactly have they been taught that they think they can be rude, sometimes lazy,, know better than anyone else but all 'know their rights'?
They have been brought up and schooled into believing they're just fabulous. They are not. Respect has to be earnt and proven. We are having to pick up the pieces of this utter debacle in society.
NB ( obviously not all but there are far too many that fit this description and I despair where we are heading.)

If I gave anyone £200 for something like a wedding, a personal thank you is very much in order. It's a huge amount of money.

I kind of get both sides. The weddings I’ve been to have all had on the invitation your presence is enough but if you wanted to gift please could we ask for money towards blah blah blah, which yes is asking for money but is optional saying that your presence is enough however if we wanted to gift them something they would prefer money so this is optional. Did they put that on theirs too or did they just ask for money and not give people an option to just bring their presence.
The general email saying thank you is you getting a thank you I don’t think you need a personal one when you are getting an email they have made for the guestlist.
The baby list asking for money or a gift from a certain shop is rude they should just let people get them what people want to get them.

I totally agree. The last two weddings I went to, gave £100 (evening guest) not even acknowledged, no thank you, nothing.
The last baby I bought for, my great niece, a note in the card with cheque , huge congrats, please let me know when I’m able to visit, would love to see the baby, I know it’s a busy time etc etc… nothing.
They've since had baby number two. I haven’t sent anything. Seems that’s not gone down well. Oh well. As they say, you reep what you sew. For every action, there’s a reaction!!!

How extremely rude and I don’t blame you at all for not giving to the second baby. Somehow the rest of us all managed to thank our relatives and friends for gifts in the past however tired we were and without the ease of emails or texts.

So difficult when every human is so different and has different expectations. I think it’s polite to say thank you and pretty rude not to. I don’t think it’s fawning.

I totally agree. 17 years ago when my son was younger, baby friends stared inviting us to christenings. I used to spend ages choosing thoughtful christening gifts. Once, I gave a friend’s daughter an engraved silver cup, only to overhear her later dismiss all her gifts as “loads of silver tat.” I was mortified. After that, I stuck to giving inscribed bibles. Some people are so ungrateful - I’d never expect or demand a gift.

Well done! I sent out cards for wedding and births thanking everyone. Even people I didn't know (Mil's friends). Because I was very greatful for their gifts, be that a knitten cardigan (loved it!), a book or money.

Today it's so much easier because you can just send an email. I had photo printups, handwriiten cards delivered by post so it took me some time. Whereas writing an email takes 2 minutes so I don't think that's too much to expect. Even a personal sms would be fine. So I'm not asking to be fawned over, it's just basic courtesy and manners. I would feel so ashamed if I had forgotten to thank someone when they had been generous enough to give something to me /my children.

Each year an aunt we have never met on DH's side send something for the kids (a toy/book). My children always call her up to say thank you and we send her chocolates each christmas. We have explained to the the children that she is very lonely, disabled (physically and psychiatrically) and that her sending a gift means that she has really gone through a lot of effort and that their phone call makes her very happy (it does). For my two sons it's normal to always thank people. If DS1 ASD feels to shy to call he will write a note that I mail for him. Now it's even them who tell me "we have to call x" so I'm very pleased to see that teaching good manners (and kindness!) works. I just wish all parents did that.

I put a £20 Next voucher in a card.

We got married recently and I don’t like lists so didn’t have one. We did say that IF people wanted to they could contribute money. We had just moved in so had two of most things. I also said if people wanted to buy gifts they could anyway as it’s up to them. But I made sure I sent personal thank yous to everyone who came regardless of what they gave or not. I absolutely hate these entitled expectations. A gift is a gift not a right.

Sending fifty emails is possibly an hour's work if you use cut-and-paste. It's not exactly a major investment of time.

I think it’s rude but when i had my first, we got so many gifts of stuff we didn’t need. Loads and loads of muslim cloths. Loads of blankets, comforters, clothes for the wrong season.

but it wouldn’t have occurred to me
to ask for cash. Neither did i have a baby shower. Too grabby

We were asked to pay for an event the couple wanted to attend when on honeymoon. I was not happy but they were friends of DH and he felt he had to.

I'm in Belgium, so different conventions. Here, people getting married have a register and say so on the invitation. Usually they also announce a bank account and what they're saving for (honeymoon, furniture....). It's very bad manners to not send a personal thank-you to those who sent you money or a gift. Same when a baby is born. Parents have a "list" in a shop and/or a "diaper-account". But nearly always it says : IF you would like to buy something......then check out our list at X place. (Can be done on-line too.) Never-ever there is a minimum-gift required, and it is even considered very rude if on the baby-wishlist there are only expensive items. If such an item is listed (pram, furniture....) then the price is divided in equal parts so f.i. family-members can agree on contributing. Also, there will álways be some small items, like a bib, a spoon, a pacifier, so that really everybody can buy something if they wish to. And of course it is custom to thank for the gifts. Many people use a picture of their baby to send as a card with a text like "thank you so much, I like what you bought for me".

Absolutely not the point of the thread (in which you were definitely NBU at all) but YWBVU to use the word 'stroller'.

I think it is lazy and entitled/rude not to personally acknowledge a gift - whether that is by text/email/handwritten note. A generic group email to everyone thanking them is crap, although better than nothing...No need to fawn or write an essay! Two lines. One minute. Done!

Totally agree, I’m 56 and this is a different world to me!
lucky I don’t get invited to weddings and everyone I know has had their kids at a time when this extortion wasn’t the norm!
I posted that I would never be giving anything like £200/300 as a wedding gift and someone replied that “covering or paying for your plate” was usually expected/the norm??
Sorry not in my world it isn’t!
Going to a wedding can be blimming expensive anyway with buying a new outfit. Etc anyway without being expected to bankrupt ourselves!

How lovely OP 💛

Hello Arlanmyor.

I think your post was excellent in that it really nailed this awful, ever expanding culture of expectation and celebration entitlement.

It is really phoney in many respects and has and can become tacky and competitive and very expensive.

I remember my late mother saying in 1963 my grandfather thought that Christmas has become far too commercialised!!

I'm all for giving presents, gifts and money on special and memorable occasions. And have done so many times over the years

But I think with the rise of Social Media and the vast monetisation of any goods and services. Business always on the look out to make another shilling .

A perfect storm to mess with the pressure exploitation of people's insecurities. Very sad .This is what we have now come to.

Leave you with a few tongue in cheek and silly suggestions for possible new celebrations.

l bet OP's could add to this list

Babies first poo.

Pet, sorry fur baby becomes house trained.

Awesome tattoos etc

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