Do I Need To End This?

[didwejustbecomebestfriends]

So I divorced 8 years ago, dated loads and had had several short relationships. Have never been in love since exDH which should show this really is special. My new guy we knew each other a year, and have been together for 4 months now and are deeply in love. I know only too well how hard that is to find especially at my age of 50. He is everything I want. Kindness, supportive, has my back, funny and the sexual chemistry and connection is off the charts. Ive never felt this way before. I feel very strongly he is the one. Literally my only issue is money - which I hate myself for. Im 50, I am not rich, but Im comfortable. I don't expect a man to pay for me - but I do want someone who can afford 50/50 to do the things that are important to me at this stage in life. I want to be going on weekends away, holidays, dinners out, takeaways, visiting historic sites (its both our thing). Things are tight for him right now though. I dont like to talk about money but he has mentioned this (he runs a business). But I see my friends going away with their boyfriends right now and I want that too. Ive shared this with loved ones and they are worried. Im a very generous person, and I can feel my mothering instincts come out and I worry about him financially. We do lots of free or cheap things together - like long walks, and visiting historic places (which I love), but I found myself pretending I didn't want to do something on my birthday that I wanted to because I was worried about him paying. Im adjusting what I want to do because I don't want him worrying about the money, and I certainly don't want to be the one paying. I dont think hes tight - I just think right now he doesnt have it.

I feel bad because Ive been there - Ive been poor and its shite. But Im not now and I don't want to live like I am. My loved one said I should end it now before I get any deeper. But I know only too well how hard this type of connection is for me to find, and I am worried I am walking away from something amazing because of money! And also maybe later we can do these things. His business is seasonal and summers aren't great apparently. If I talk to him about it, it will be so awkward, and it could make him feel pressured which I would never want to do.

WWYD?

I would give it more time. You're enjoying it and he's not doing anything to hurt you. Don't worry about the what ifs. If he makes you happy, hold into it a bit longer.

Totally depends on your priorities. Personally, I'd choose ♥️ over 💰

Definitely wouldn't break it off with someone you feel that strongly about just because of money, unless you were having to pay for absolutely everything and he was contributing nothing, which isn't what this sounds like.

When is his good season? Can you wait to see how he is then. Both from a money but also giving you time aspect it might be telling.

but if your birthday is in the ‘wrong’ season for his work it might be worth talking about your expectations for next year in his good season to try to mitigate a repeat

I'd give it a bit more time but you're not wrong to be worried. I dated someone for 2 years who couldn't afford to do things..well he could but had different priorities. Got a bit soul destroying when he didn't even want to go out for lunch for example or I had to fund his holiday otherwise we wouldn't go. Eats a way at you after a while.

So he has less money in the summer and you know this, if you were actually in love it would be a no brainer to give it more time to see if this corrects itself in winter. If you feel you can walk away and find better elsewhere just for money then go ahead, there is nothing wrong with that.

Yeah its not about money per se - its about what I want to do at this stage in my life. I want to be going on weekends away, and holidays - or at least planning them. I don't want to be baulking at the entrance fee to a castle or the price of a lunch out yanno? I feel too old for that shit. But im finding myself doing that now. I mean I could fund everything of course, but I feel that would kill it for me.

Is it really money stopping him from doing those things or is he on the outskirts of the relationship? A takeaway doesn’t exactly break the bank.

I think YABU to say you are madly in love after 4 months! That just isn't enough time to know that and I think you are in danger of making rash decisions very early in a relationship if you think you are in love.

YANBU to be worrying about financial differences though. If you can keep your head about you and you are enjoying each other's company, then fine. But don't get sucked into paying for things. Don't plan to move in together.

Of his business is seasonal, he should plan for that. So my worry would be if he only makes enough to live on in the 'right' season and then is barely scraping by the rest of the time. By all means continue seeing him now and see if things change when he is making more money. But I suspect he's stringing you along a bit with that one....

Why can’t you still do some of those things with friends?

This is what I wanted to do, and wait til xmas to see if that was the case. I think Id feel better if we were planning and saving for holidays/weekend away. But my loved ones were like, 'oh you will be in so deep by then you won't be able to walk away, you need someone who is comfortable like you to be able to do these things'. They have a point I think. Im not sure I could walk away now tbh. I am very very deeply in love with him.

And does he even WANT to do those things? Castle visits and holidaying with your friends might not be his style

Definitely don't start funding him. He's obviously happy being frugal? To date you etc
Otherwise he probably would have another job to make it to when he's out of work seasonally.
It's very easy to love a broke man, they have nothing else to give you but attention and time 😅
Maybe stop going along with cheap dates and plan well ahead for some treats, so he could budget, so you have a mix. And do trips with your fam and friends. And if his financial situation doesn't improve then maybe think about if you are lifestyle compatible or not and think about moving on

No it wouldn't be holidaying with friends, it would just be me and him. I am going on holidays with a big girls group next year, and Im lookign forward to that. I do want a partner who wants to go away and travel. He does want to do that. He loves gardens and flowers - hes really passionate about it - and I love history so we are well matched there as a lot of historic sites have beautiful gardens. So yes, he wants to do these things. We have talked about doing a big UK road trip sometime. Hes keen, but I can't see him ever having the money.

OP I am the guy in your relationship. My DP (don't live together but relationship is ten years old) funds most of what we do including holidays, weekends away, he's paid for gym membership, tech, all sorts. We are in it for the long haul and once my kids are grown I'll be fine but right now I have v little disposable.

I know it's still seen as shameful or pathetic or leeching when a man is less well off than the woman but it doesn't sound like he's blowing his cash on his own hobbies and THEN asking the OP to fund stuff. And no, as someone said in a similar thread, I'm not ashamed to let my loving partner pay for us. We want to be together and he wants to do nice things with me. I work full time and earn more than him actually..I just have it all tied up in commitments he doesn't have. OP, you've said yourself how rare it is to find what you have. You'd be mad to give that up, IMHO.

Yanno?

You definitely shouldn't fund everything. 50/50 for sure

If you're in too deep to end it after 4 months, well.....I'm not sure what to say tbh. It doesn't seem healthy imo

He tells you he's broke. Is he? Have you seen his bank account, business accounts? Or are you just believing him?

If he's telling the truth , what does his business need to make more money? Can you help? Why can't HE make his business work well?

So is he just pretending he will have the money? Or are you assuming he won’t?

Four months is likely limerance. Give it another 12 months you’ll know if it’s love and if his lacks of means is starting to irritate you beyond belief or if you’ve found ways to adjust your expectations and do the expensive things with friends instead.

Life involves some risk, doesn’t it? I cannot personally imagine passing up the chance of real love and companionship at a stage of my life when that is pretty rare to find, for the price of a lunch and a historical house entrance fee, or missed opportunity to go on a luxury holiday. You could have real happiness for the rest of your life - the times when you need help and support, the times when you unwell, or when you’re old and just want to do a crossword and watch TV. You could have all that, and you could provide that to a man you love. What a gift OP!

People pay for expensive experiences to fill in the gaps in their lives. You can still do those things alone or with friends. You don’t have to marry or move in with this man, to share finances.

Just enjoy each other and see where it goes.

Gosh that is interesting. He has 2 young kids he has to support to. Mine are adults. We are in different financial brackets right now, but not forever. Hes 7 years younger than me - so longer down the track will have longer working years. I wouldn't feel comfortable paying for everything like your boyfriend (sexist of me I know), but I could maybe take a longer term view and maybe pay the lions share? I think you are right though. Love and a good man is incredibly difficult to find. He is a very good man. No doubt there.

I suppose the question to ask is would he be thinking of ending things with you if things were the other way around? If he would then people would probably be saying he's shallow and you're better off single anyway. Maybe hold on to that thought while you decide.

After 4 months I think its reasonable to expect a partner to be able to go on holidays and weekends away

You could buy him a National Trust membership for Christmas and buy yourself a camper van! That would be a solution for several years.

It's only been 4 months and you're having doubts. It doesn't matter why, be it money or different values you aren't compatible with the stages you are at so I'd draw a line.

You've had a nice time, you've proven to yourself suitable men are out there so just get back to being single enjoying the lifestyle you want.

It has only been 4 months though, that’s still very early for a couple to be planning trips all over the place, especially when one has young kids and a business to work around.

Maybe you are at different life stages. Do you want the same things or are you expecting him to be your plus one in life?