Do I Need To End This?

[didwejustbecomebestfriends]

So I divorced 8 years ago, dated loads and had had several short relationships. Have never been in love since exDH which should show this really is special. My new guy we knew each other a year, and have been together for 4 months now and are deeply in love. I know only too well how hard that is to find especially at my age of 50. He is everything I want. Kindness, supportive, has my back, funny and the sexual chemistry and connection is off the charts. Ive never felt this way before. I feel very strongly he is the one. Literally my only issue is money - which I hate myself for. Im 50, I am not rich, but Im comfortable. I don't expect a man to pay for me - but I do want someone who can afford 50/50 to do the things that are important to me at this stage in life. I want to be going on weekends away, holidays, dinners out, takeaways, visiting historic sites (its both our thing). Things are tight for him right now though. I dont like to talk about money but he has mentioned this (he runs a business). But I see my friends going away with their boyfriends right now and I want that too. Ive shared this with loved ones and they are worried. Im a very generous person, and I can feel my mothering instincts come out and I worry about him financially. We do lots of free or cheap things together - like long walks, and visiting historic places (which I love), but I found myself pretending I didn't want to do something on my birthday that I wanted to because I was worried about him paying. Im adjusting what I want to do because I don't want him worrying about the money, and I certainly don't want to be the one paying. I dont think hes tight - I just think right now he doesnt have it.

I feel bad because Ive been there - Ive been poor and its shite. But Im not now and I don't want to live like I am. My loved one said I should end it now before I get any deeper. But I know only too well how hard this type of connection is for me to find, and I am worried I am walking away from something amazing because of money! And also maybe later we can do these things. His business is seasonal and summers aren't great apparently. If I talk to him about it, it will be so awkward, and it could make him feel pressured which I would never want to do.

WWYD?

He could well have been working hard at his wannabe business throughout: he’s still probably a deadbeat dad and pursuing a business that’s viable for few. Making dating him unwise.

Plenty of people - potential friends or lovers - enjoy history and sex!

I had one of these men, it was excusable in my eyes as it was the pandemic and his sector was badly hit… he is so irresponsible and left me just before out baby was born and I pay all the nursery fees myself with pittance maintenance from him. He also got a new gf just as he got a new job. He doesn’t thank me for all the holidays I took him and the free housing I provided with him before baby arrived. Be very careful. At 50 there isn’t much excuse not to be financially stable unless you’ve made some bad decisions or not worked smart or hard.

How many men do you think you'll find with this guy at your age? Sorry to be harsh, but a connection like that is 1 in a million for a 50 year old (and I speak as a non-spring chicken myself!)

You are so so so right. I should know. 8 years of dating with men I wouldn't want to spend an hour with.

Don’t ever marry him tho

I agree with this—a seasonal business is fine if he can make it pay for the off season. If he can’t its just not a good business. Or he needs to have two jobs:one off season and one on.

I'd date someone like this and love it - and I'd fund the dates/breaks away too, if he couldn't afford to do some of the things I love to do.

But I would not cohabit or get financially entangled with him.

I’m mid 50s and have been single most of my life. I’ve only had a connection like you have with your partner once in my life and it was amazing. If I met someone now who I had that connection with I wouldn’t let him go. I would just taper off how many holidays and expensive outings I wanted to do. But I’m one of those who is happy to do “boring” stuff with my partners as I just want to spend time with them. I’m also willing to pay for outings and vacations if I really want to go and want them to go with me. As long as I don’t get a cocklodger in the making feeling from them then I don’t mind paying.

Also I have a friend who has a trainer that does virtual training sessions. Which allowed him to fit them in really early/late based on the client’s needs. He might get a lot of clients in the summer for virtual sessions.

He is a really popular PT - he has really great people skills so Im not surprised. Get lots of repeat custom and really good testimonials. He REALLY wants to get the online side happening but has had zero takers. He thinks its cos he isnt 25 and ripped. He seems to get those who are anxious about going to the gym - women and older clients - those who have some kind of mental health issue and who are very overweight and are worried about being judged. Hes 44 so he isn't your usual type of PT but then his clients aren't the typical client either.

Oh bless you. Yeah I know that what I have is very very special. But I do need to be very careful don't I. This is why I didn't want to date him - different life stages. I just knew the young kid thing would be an issue. And obviously if hes swanning off with me, thats coming out of time and money his kids should be having.

What is his business? If it's seasonal, he needs to find a top up for the quiet season.

Op gently this is very very early days! You are still in love with someone who no doubt never farts or has a grumpy day with you because they put on weight and their favourite suit doesn’t fit. It’s all sex, best behaviour and daisies.

Do you want a best friend and life partner? If so you have to be able to talk about sex, money, children, ill health etc etc.

Personally for me 50:50 is really important all round. I expect shared life responsibilities and fun.

You need to share your life vision with him. The now and 5 year vision. Not bloody detailed notes but a basic so right now I’d love to be able to do x, y, z. In 5 years I’d want yo be living together or I have this amazing life trip I want to do. Listen to what he says. He might not even want same things!

If he does want same things then discuss how you can afford some of them and compromise.

For me I can’t help but find it deeply hackle raising when a man expects funding through life. I have some high earning female friends with men who started like this - they are still like this. The women moan about them relentlessly which I don’t agree with all round.

If it is a hard line for you to subsidise a man that is ok! It’s not like he’s a stay at home dad or sick or some such. He should get a side gig or better job, that’s life.

But you deffo need to first have some well this is what I want in life type conversations together. If you can’t do this then you are basically just having great sex with a man you fancy the look of and know very little about inside!

So many red 🚩 4 months in you are already rescuing him and on your birthday too.
Listen to your F&F -you are trying to make him something he's not -"wonderful"yet he can't even sort his own life out to afford entry to an attraction on your birthday.
The issue is he didn't speak up, he just let you get there and then pulled a face and so you rescued him ...
This is 4 months in and yet you are ignoring it.

Realistically there are PT ten-a-penny everywhere.
There is no money in it LT and with the CoL it's only going to get worse.

You will be hooked and feel responsible for him, listen to your F&F

Oh dear just read more of your posts…
I have a friend whose exH is now a PT. He left a computing job and found his mental elf and blew up his marriage too. He also messages multiple women on tinder…
Please be sensible op and listen to your real life F&F
This is not love yet!
This is man who has young children from a failed previous relationship, a dream job which is likely delusional (they are ten a penny PT) and is looking for validation and you are giving him it in bucket loads by sounds of it

I wouldn’t be holding off on what I wanted to do with my life for any man.
I guess it depends if your current mismatched situations are going to continue indefinitely. Because it will wear you down in the end.

👏

I'd be a bit concerned as to why he only sees his kids concerned a week? No overnights or mid week visits?

Are you sure he's broke, or could he just be mean? Could his making faces at the attraction on your birthday have been hints that he wanted you to pay? It sounds like a miserable way to live, knowing he can't (or won't) spend money on anything. Perhaps he expects you to fund him?

He doesn't sound like a stellar father if he only sees his children once a week.

OP, have read all your comments though haven’t RTFT. I completely get where you’re coming from. Having gone through a stage in life where I REALLY struggled financially (couldn’t afford to eat at the end of the month), I finally got to a point where I had enough money that I could DO nice things like eating out or going away for a weekend — and I wanted to be with someone who could do the same. (Equally, I didn’t want to be with someone who was much better off than me, so I was struggling to keep up!) But it sounds as though you’ve come to the decision that it’s worth persevering, which I think sounds good. I really hope it works out for you both. X

Relationships usually need some compromise, I don't believe there is a perfect person out there. It seems that he ticks every box for you other than him not having as much money as you. I wouldn't end it, I'd just adjust to doing cheaper things and do the more expensive things with friends or pay for him. What's the alternative? Be single and have no partner to do anything at all with? As you have said yourself connections like the one you have don't come around often. It may never come again. If you end things I think there's a good chance you will regret it if you get towards end of life having never found another connection.

'As long as I don’t get a cocklodger in the making feeling from them then I don’t mind paying.'

Thing is they don't come along with a sign saying cocklodger. These men <not saying definitely in the op's case but worth considering> groom their vulnerable targets with tales of woe, tales of working so hard yet nothing to show for it, their faces light up when these women mention abstract interests thus reinforcing this 'special connection' allusion.

Once they are under the skin (and 4 months is good going here), then their dp starts altering their goal posts deciding holidays and financial equality aren't important as long as the connection is there.

A man who cannot differentiate between a poorly performing business and a thriving one will be inadequate in many other, as yet unknown, areas.

I agree completely here ..
There are only a few good men ..
I’m 49 & single , so so hard to find that special someone ..
At this age all the good ones are taken I’m afraid..
Someone that you click with that is geuine & you find attractive , is like trying to find a needle in a haystack..

Sorry to be a bit brutal - but this is Aibu - You sound quite materialistic and a bit tight.
If doing expensive things is really important to you then I think you should offer to pay for them.

The issue is once you know how these men operate you can't unsee it.

These PT, short on cash, poor dads are ten a penny( no overnights usually indicates a court order due to DV/ substance abuse or his accommodation is unsuitable for DC )or worst of all he doesn't want to.

Of course Op is the one
She's got money, stability and is willing to believe his nonsense and even better has poor boundaries, doubts her own ( justifiable) feelings, the feelings of her F&F and is already emotionally care taking him ( pretending she didn't want to do the activity on her birthday)

Winner!

It goes like this

His cash flow problem is probably a failing business and he's in serious debt, he can't afford his rent, he begs to move in, only Op can help him, she has doubts but he moves in, he tries but fails to get a job, always the victim
Now she has a fully fledged CL with 2 SC in her flat and the mask will start to slip, he's not quite so wonderful and Op wakes up wondering how the hell it happened.

All the hold onto a good man, he's wonderful crap is rose tinted nonsense-4 months Op has known him!
Men are real human beings with flaws not heroes riding to sweep women off their feet

It's not real

Yes and the op says 'find someone to geek out with like this, who I also want to shag all the time am I? My friends said I was banging on about some shite about medieval life, and he was all misty eyed and said he loved how much I lit up when I was talkign about what I loved. They thought it was cute and funny cos Im normally being told to shut up!'

You just think she's being played like a fiddle.

I hope not op I really do but do please keep asking why a grown man has a barely viable business and not a proper job when he has young kids to support and why after only 4 months you are already thinking about compromising on your holiday and leisure plans. He may be genuine but I think he sounds like he's after your flat, is flakey and a bit thick tbh business wise. Maybe I'm too cynical!

Listen to your family, those who know you. If you are strong amd assertive great, if you are damaged by the previous relationship that nearly broke you then be on the alert.

" you think she is being played like a fiddle"

I don't think she is because she's here posting about whether she should end the relationship 4 months in.
Not being on the same page financially is one of the major relationship issues and Op has already picked that up.
She already had doubts that they were not at the same life stage but decided to give it a go.

She's picking up the signals that all is not well, red flags, but is being persuaded to ignore them by well meaning posters -a good man , hang on to him etc

Saying someone is a good man doesn't make him one sadly and men are often elevated as heroes for picking up their own socks.
He can't even hold an honest conversation about affording a day out...

The PT age 44 is a major worry
A few are successful, very few, usually young, influencer types who build up a SM following, launch their own brand/ collabs and the money comes from online classes/ coaching / tiktok CP etc
It's a business full of failure to launch type men, failed at relationships, failed in a normal job, failed financially but completely in denial, living out a fantasy oh wait!

I wonder how his ex w feels shouldering all the responsibility because its his quiet period..