Do I Need To End This?

[didwejustbecomebestfriends]

So I divorced 8 years ago, dated loads and had had several short relationships. Have never been in love since exDH which should show this really is special. My new guy we knew each other a year, and have been together for 4 months now and are deeply in love. I know only too well how hard that is to find especially at my age of 50. He is everything I want. Kindness, supportive, has my back, funny and the sexual chemistry and connection is off the charts. Ive never felt this way before. I feel very strongly he is the one. Literally my only issue is money - which I hate myself for. Im 50, I am not rich, but Im comfortable. I don't expect a man to pay for me - but I do want someone who can afford 50/50 to do the things that are important to me at this stage in life. I want to be going on weekends away, holidays, dinners out, takeaways, visiting historic sites (its both our thing). Things are tight for him right now though. I dont like to talk about money but he has mentioned this (he runs a business). But I see my friends going away with their boyfriends right now and I want that too. Ive shared this with loved ones and they are worried. Im a very generous person, and I can feel my mothering instincts come out and I worry about him financially. We do lots of free or cheap things together - like long walks, and visiting historic places (which I love), but I found myself pretending I didn't want to do something on my birthday that I wanted to because I was worried about him paying. Im adjusting what I want to do because I don't want him worrying about the money, and I certainly don't want to be the one paying. I dont think hes tight - I just think right now he doesnt have it.

I feel bad because Ive been there - Ive been poor and its shite. But Im not now and I don't want to live like I am. My loved one said I should end it now before I get any deeper. But I know only too well how hard this type of connection is for me to find, and I am worried I am walking away from something amazing because of money! And also maybe later we can do these things. His business is seasonal and summers aren't great apparently. If I talk to him about it, it will be so awkward, and it could make him feel pressured which I would never want to do.

WWYD?

One thing thats jumped out at me on the thread is the mentions of your friends....first of all, that some are advising one thing, others advising you to end it. and then the mention that you feel just a little bit envious that your best friend is going away with her partner. Your friends seem to have a lot of sway in your life, are you sure that perhaps the fear that they may think hes on the make or that youre being used, is having rather too much influence / sway? Of course they care for you, but at the end of the day its you and him in the relationship. It seems a bit unfair to be discussing this big thing - his financial situation and its effect on your relationship - with them and not with him. Stop comparing what you have in your life with what others are doing. Trust your gut and let your own feelings and maturity guide you. If it helps, lay out a spreadsheet with pros and cons so you can see it all logically laid out, and stop laying so much emphasis on what is justone aspect of the relationship. Give it some time. perhaps it will become a dealbreaker, but give it all time to develop and try to enjoy what sounds like a lovely feller and a lovely relationship. If it ends, then at least it will be untainted by the suspicion that you torpedoed it yourself, and youll know you gave something lovely a fair shot.

PS Having said that, not all relationships are meant to be forever afters. Some are lovely placeholders in your life that have their own built in expiry dates - but that doesnt mean they are any less lovely and memorable. And lets face it there are no guarantees in life .... you could date Richard Branson and he could be bankrupt in 6 months. Of course if your partner ever taps you for cash, thats a different story and that would be an immediate no - at least from me! But theres no suggestion of that at all. Dont worry about what people might say about the relationship - we're all too old and wise to give a shit about that kind of nonsense. If youre happy, thats all that counts.

I don’t see how you can make a decision without talking to him and knowing what his future prospects/plans are? You don’t know if this is temporary, if it’s a mismanagement thing, if it’s just what it is and always has been.

I’m (somewhat) in a similar situation but hoping it gets resolved in a couple years. It is very frustrating to feel like you’re just “waiting” to be able to do nice things, so I definitely see your concerns too.

He could do a few kids fitness/training sessions during summer

Yeh end it for his sake. You’ll probably meet a millionaire

Well good for you giving it a go and ignoring your loved ones! Are these friends or family loved ones? Sounds like he needs some fresh business ideas. Be nice to support that.

Does he have no money or are you just guessing. I’d be v slow to get into a relationship with someone who can’t even afford a lunch out at 50🥴 Problem is if he is actually broke the only way you are going to be able to do anything is if you pay and I wouldn’t want a relationship on that basis .. where I effectively have to pay for it

Hang on...Where did I say I wanted to meet a millionaire? Im on a social workers salary, and I can afford a meal out once or twice a week, weekend getaways a few times a year, and an overseas holiday. I dont think that is excessive, its just normal. Thats all im after.

Decent blokes are like gold dust in your 50s. You’re clearly unsettled that he doesn’t have the funds. I don’t think you’ll get past that

Do you not expect to at least go halves on stuff like this? Or take it in turns?

Weird to pretend you didnt want to do anything on your birthday - he could have shown you how considerate and inventive he can be on a budget - a lovely homemade picnic or similar.

Absolutely see how it goes but if your expectation is for meals out and weekends away through the year paid for by your boyfriend, and if that's more important to you than all the good points you mentioned, then you should set him free.

Yeah I have been actually. I suggested kids clubs, and also sessions for people with autism - children and adults. Hes been looking into it. Hes extremely good with people so he gets lots of repeat business. Also getting trained up to be a NHS referred personal trainer. Theres some hoops he has to jump for that but might be worth it.
I live somewhere quite posh with huge houses, and they often have their own gyms (how the other half live hey) and also advised him to do some leaflets about one on one PT and Ill drop them round on my walks. So I am helping. Any other ideas people might have please say.

Oh and it was family who said these things. They have seen me completely broken by ex DH so very protective. I actually am regretting sharing with them now, and I feel very disloyal. They kept asking why we weren't going away.

You have to work out your priorities.

If you value money more than love, or love more than money, is something only you can work out.

Your loved ones are expressing that they value money more than love. But you are you, what do you value most?

No you've misunderstood. We went out on my birthday somewhere I really wanted to go. We got to the gates and the price to get in was a lot. I know hes struggling, so I pretended I wasn't bothered about going in, and we went elsewhere, which was free. I could see from his face he was worried.

And no I do NOT expect him to pay. I expect 50/50 but I do want to do those things. So to be clear, in an ideal world I would want us to go for a meal once a week, an outing once a week, maybe a take away once a week too. And every couple of months or so a weekend away. And an overseas holiday once a year, maybe twice. That would be my ideal. I dont think thats much. We both work, so I couldn't be swanning off overseas every month.

You still can, with friends or by yourself, which is what you'll be doing if you dump him!

I dont think thats true. They are saying I can find love with someone who can do the same things I want to do. I mean I wouldn't want to go to all these things with someone I didnt love. Its not about the holidays or the trips or the lunches on their own is it? its about doing those things WITH someone I love. The love bit needs to be there, otherwise those things aren't fun.

Ive had boyfriends who have had the same or more money than me whisking me away and taking me exciting places. I didn't love them, hence why we broke up. I think my family just think I can find it all. But they don't know what a cesspool it is out there for the over 50s.

How old are his children? Surely that's going to be much more of a hinderance to all of your fun than just money. What if they came to live with him full time?

I wonder why you didnt just pay for you both to do the thing you wanted to do on your birthday?

For your ideal world would that include eg a weekend in a youth hostel or camping? Could the meal out be Nando's? Does a takeaway just mean "a nice meal at home that I haven't had to cook"?

If you had a conversation with him where you told him about your ideal world, and he said "my budget for those things would stop at X" (and assuming X isn't enough to do things the way you want to) would that make you want to end the relationship and try to find someone who can afford them, even if they're not as good as match? As PP said you can do a lot of these things alone or with other people!

Honestly I wish I had just paid tbh. I was worried about embarrassing him. He looked quite mortified and shocked (it was a lot of money). So i made out there was something else Id rather do. We did end up having a fabulous day.

This thread has made me reflect, and the crux of it is Id rather do none of the things that I want to do ever again, or just pay for everything than lose him. Hes great company without doing anything. Thats the truth of it. And it may not even come to that as this may just be a blip.

It wouldn’t do for me unless his financial situation is a temporary blip . I’ve just retired so have all the time to do the travelling , hobbies , socialising I want . It’s my time after a lifetime of work . The thought of a partner not being able to do those things would grate . There’s only so many park walks you can do .

I think people are being too harsh.

I was in a relationship were I was the bread winner and paid for nearly everything. I didn't mind in the first few years as you're still in the honey moon stage and happy and in love. But 10yrs in and still paying for most things, I did start to resent it. He also started to expect it. Like he'd never offer to pay or even get me a lousy coffee. I felt taken for granted in the end.

It's all well and good saying money shouldn't matter if you have love but it's not realistic long term. And your not wrong for worrying about it.

Saying that your partner doesnt sound as bad as my ex. I'd give it till Christmas and see how you go. Just dont fall into the trap of paying for everything.

@didwejustbecomebestfriends you haven’t really responded to any questions about his DC. Surely when he has more cash he will prioritise spending more on them? If he can afford a holiday won’t he take them?

It would seem that getting him to restructure his business would be worthwhile. He should have work all year round even if it’s a mixture of roles. Possibly using his old finance skills as a side hustle?

Haven't I? I thought I did. Yeah he has two kids 8 and 10. He sees them every Sunday. You are right if he can afford a holiday he should take them shouldnt he. I didnt think of that, which is rather selfish of me.

Hes trying to get his online side of the business going too. He works very hard, hes cetainly not work shy. So thats good.

I’m 55.
I’ve just ended things with a man similar in some ways to your partner, I was seeing him for 6 months. It was hard to do because it is difficult to meet a decent man at my age.
However, I didn’t have that connection you tell us you have. I didn’t see myself completely loving him, growing old with him. If I had felt that, I would have stayed whatever his financial situation was.
Is it possible for him to improve his earnings over the peak times to cushion him during the lean months?

Hmmm a sensible business owner would have savings/ a plan for quieter months or get casual work.

I think he's a lovebomber/ potential cock lodger -you are "deeply in love"
Yet you are still at the early dating stage 4 months in

Op this is harsh but it is a thing amongst single fathers to find a woman to provide what the feel they have " lost" to their ex wives, they feel entitled.
I would not date if I couldn't afford a meal/ cinema/ day out entry -why does he feel entitled to do so?

You sound unrealistic and overly romantic, after only 4 months.

With DC of those ages he’s in deadbeat dad territory to only see them once a week and have a self employed business for 3 years that is his ‘passion’ doesn’t seem viable, rather than pursue something with better prospects to earn well (to provide for his DC). Prioritising himself. That should surely give you the ick rather than admire him.

If he can’t afford things like activities to do together, meals etc (taking turns) lower cost UK weekends away etc then he can’t afford to date someone who enjoys those things.

he’d be even more of a deadbeat dad to spend his money on costly holidays with you.

YANBU not to subsidise him.