Do I Need To End This?

[didwejustbecomebestfriends]

So I divorced 8 years ago, dated loads and had had several short relationships. Have never been in love since exDH which should show this really is special. My new guy we knew each other a year, and have been together for 4 months now and are deeply in love. I know only too well how hard that is to find especially at my age of 50. He is everything I want. Kindness, supportive, has my back, funny and the sexual chemistry and connection is off the charts. Ive never felt this way before. I feel very strongly he is the one. Literally my only issue is money - which I hate myself for. Im 50, I am not rich, but Im comfortable. I don't expect a man to pay for me - but I do want someone who can afford 50/50 to do the things that are important to me at this stage in life. I want to be going on weekends away, holidays, dinners out, takeaways, visiting historic sites (its both our thing). Things are tight for him right now though. I dont like to talk about money but he has mentioned this (he runs a business). But I see my friends going away with their boyfriends right now and I want that too. Ive shared this with loved ones and they are worried. Im a very generous person, and I can feel my mothering instincts come out and I worry about him financially. We do lots of free or cheap things together - like long walks, and visiting historic places (which I love), but I found myself pretending I didn't want to do something on my birthday that I wanted to because I was worried about him paying. Im adjusting what I want to do because I don't want him worrying about the money, and I certainly don't want to be the one paying. I dont think hes tight - I just think right now he doesnt have it.

I feel bad because Ive been there - Ive been poor and its shite. But Im not now and I don't want to live like I am. My loved one said I should end it now before I get any deeper. But I know only too well how hard this type of connection is for me to find, and I am worried I am walking away from something amazing because of money! And also maybe later we can do these things. His business is seasonal and summers aren't great apparently. If I talk to him about it, it will be so awkward, and it could make him feel pressured which I would never want to do.

WWYD?

The way I look at it is this. I am now solvent but I had some really difficult years. When life was like that I did absolutely everything I could to make more money. I think a business with such a lot of slack time isn't a viable business. Either he needs to rethink his entire career or find ways of making money during those slack times, otherwise it's a hobby, not a business.

When I had less money I couldn't do a lot of things and I really yearned to. Now that I can afford, I really want to be able to do them. I don't want to have to pay someone to come out with me. I didn't expect that (or receive it) when I had less money. My focus then was on making more money and spending as little as I could. I'm fed up with that now and never want to go back.

He's younger than you and has young children. He's at a completely different stage in his life. There's even more reason why he should be focused on either changing his career or finding a way of making more money. He has children to think of as well as himself.

Honestly, I would lose respect for a man who didn't focus on his finances at this point in his life. He knows what he needs to do but wants to fanny about with a hobby-job that doesn't provide a living for him and his children.

I think you're at the honeymoon stage with him. While you're there you can't live the way you want to live, the way you deserve to be able to live, because you will have to pay him to keep you company. That's not much of a honeymoon, is it? And it won't get better. His job is generally a young man's job. His children will become teenagers and therefore more expensive. What's he doing to safeguard their financial future? What's he doing to safeguard his own?

I appreciate he's a nice guy but I couldn't be doing with his attitude.

'Hes trying to get his online side of the business going too'

Oh op, he's been doing it 3yrs. The online side should have been set up 3yrs ago.

I agree with pp you sound overly romantic which is understandable but please take off the rose coloured specs. He could've and should've made this business a success all year round after 3 years. If he hasn't then he should've got another job not just one in the summer.

His poor choices would make me back away more than his ability to pay for trips.

You say you live in a posh area with massive houses?

I do live in a posh area - but I dont have a massive house. I live in a flat that I own.

Wonder how much maintenance he was paying his ex for his DC when in his finance job vs now. Imagine her take on his story might be interesting.

And where does he live does he have a mortgage?

If he can't afford some of that stuff, would you be ok doing it yourself? Longer term its something to talk about - what you want from life etc and prioritisies etc. Spends often need planning and you're relatively new to having some of thise chats.

Personally I think you are right to question things. This comes down to what is important to you and where you are in life. It sounds like your chap has done a lot of work on himself for improvement, which is good, but do you believe he is capable of taking it further and being able to live the lifestyle that you want.
Also, what about his kids? I saw he has them every Sunday. No sleep overs, will that change?. Look at the longer term picture too. If you continue, marry, move in together, the children may spend a lot more time with you. He may want to include them in future holiday plans. How do you feel about that? Does that fit in with what you want your life to be like?
I'm your age, and my priorities have definitely changed, so I get it. Also, that first love after a hard break up can feel huge and 4 months isn't very long at all.
So think and consider carefully. It's wonderful that you've met someone, but don't lose sight of your own dreams and aspirations.

I'm not so sure it's about what he can and can't afford op.

You've said it was family who said these things. They have seen me completely broken by ex DH so very protective'

Listen to your family who know you. Rather than strangers on the internet.

You say you love him after 4mths, this man who is self employed but hasn't even got pamphlets sorted or a website after 3years.

You live in a posh area. Alarm bells should be ringing here, you are possibly being played and your very nice but overly romantic descriptions would worry me if you were a friend or relative of mine. Take care and no, do not be delivering his pamphlets tell him to get his arse in gear and get a proper job.

Good luck .

He isn’t the one if the decision to be with him is based on money.

No, no he has pamphlets - lots of them. And a website. And he does about 6 hours promotion every week - I see him doing it. And Ive seen him apply for umpteen jobs during the summer to bolster his income. Hes still got over 20 clients right now anyway, but usually its double that. He is not lazy. I advised him to get new pamphlets printed that focuses entirely on 1 on 1 in peoples home gym cos i live in an area where you can see they may have that. It was just an idea and he was keen so hes sorting that.

I dont want to advise him to 'get a proper job', its not my place and hes very passionate about what he does. Self employed businesses have high and lows, I know that I am self employed myself. I get it. And I support that.

I don't think the kids coming every Sunday woudl be a problem longer term. Ive made it crystal clear I don't want to meet them until we are very serious and at the moving in/marrying stage.

Im just a bit miffed that right now we cant do more stuff. This might change soon (I hope so), Im also quite bored at the minute as Im off work so Im probably looking for things to moan about. Once Im back to work when the uni students get back, I will probably be too focussed on that.

You've only been together for 4 months and you've already discovered you're financially incompatible.

You're dickmatized right now but once that wears off you're going to find his not being able to do all the activities you like to do that requires money really wearing. Your options are just meet in the park and do super cheap or free activities or you pay his way.

As I said, listen to your family who know you and know how broken you were with your ex. If you are vulnerable to a man using you listen to their concerns.

Where does he live does he have his own house?

No it may be your place to tell him to get a proper job but when chatting just put it out there that after 3yrs if he is only now thinking of working on his online presence and hasn't even thought about your other suggestions then it shows a lack of drive and business sense which is imperative when self employed.

Anyway after only 4months proceed with caution!

Ok, I read more.

He's a personal trainer after switching careers who's been working on a website for 3 years. He's younger than you too and has kids that he needs to support.

I know some personal trainers and it is a constant grind. Pamphlets, come on now. His site should have been up and running in a week and he should be updating regularly. He should be on the hustle and I don't mean for rich women to finance him. His lack of hustle would be very concerning in a field that one needs a lot of. He sounds content to coast. I think if you stay with this guy, you're going to end up being his sugar mama and possibly financing his kids because you are off in some dickmatized romantic dream world. 4 months and you're thinking moving in and marriage and damn! Slow down at least. I see why your family is concerned.

Thanks but thats not accurate. I did say he had a website straight away before he even started, and he does grind with it. He is constantly doing social media promotion. He does promotion for 6-8 hours a week! Hes constantly on it. He just got a partnership with a gym gear company which is pretty cool. I dont have any concerns about his work ethic or lack of business acumen. He is really trying and doing the hard slog.

6 to 8 hours a week is an hour a day. That's not grinding.

The PTs I know are out there actively hitting up gyms and fitness centers and networking, putting themselves out there. When they're not training, they're grinding. They're making videos of different length training sessions and putting those on SM and websites as advertising. They're getting more credentials. They're putting in full time.

Your guy is slow right now. Why isn't he making these videos and putting them up. He could have a whole series where he could put up say a 15 minute workout and a 30 minute and put up more each week.

So he never has his kids overnight? I earn a decent salary and I would not consider eating out once a week, takeaway once a week, mini-breaks every couple of months and one or two holidays per year, all without my dc, as this would massively eat into the money I have to support them and save for university. It sounds like he doesn't earn a decent salary so do you honestly think it would be right for him to spend like this in ways that don't benefit his dc? And if he only sees them on a Sunday surely he can never go on weekends away? I would find it a massive turn-off if he even considered it. Parents don't need to be martyrs but he is definitely in the deadbeat dad zone only seeing them once a week and he should be doing everything he can to support them more. I would love to know how much maintenance he pays.

If a man had kids the way I felt about him would be determined by his treatment of them and this man's financial irresponsibility would be a massive turn-off. In your shoes I would end it as you are at completely different life stages.

I hear you OP

Love this reply.

@didwejustbecomebestfriends i think if you are going to continue with him you just have to fully embrace and commit. But just be aware that assuming you guys stay together for the long term that likely will include potentially sharing your pension with him.

Eg I had an ex who was decently paid and we always did a 50/50 split but his employment history was such that he had jumped from one manual job to another and not really prioritised his pension at all. He told me he’d be pretty much reliant on a full state pension and even that he wouldn’t get until his late 60s whereas I’ve worked FT (no kids) in corporate and am fortunate enough to have a comfortable retirement just from my work at 62. So I had to consider if I was happy to do that. No brainer for me I was. In fact I wouldn’t even have spoken to family or friends about it as I took him for what he is. I was actually prepared to pay more also once he went PT in his late 50s. In the end we split up but just wanted to say I’ve been there in your shoes and I wouldn’t have given up on my DP because of the money issues you described. It’s def worth taking a risk on a relationship you both value especially post 50.

Op, after 3 years it is not viable is it? He needs a summer job to compensate which he hasn't even managed to get this year.

He needs to be realistic and join a fitness club as an instructor whilst persisting with one to one stuff in his spare time.

The personal trainers I know do it as a sideline not a main income. I'm not surprised he can't stretch to trips after his child maintenance and living costs are taken into account. Has he suggested moving in with you yet? If not I'd guess it's coming..

Also I think about how I would ever find such a gem again. Im a super nerd about history - I talk about it non-stop and drag him to historic sites. He likes history but not as much as me. I never gonna find someone to geek out with like this, who I also want to shag all the time am I? My friends said I was banging on about some shite about medieval life, and he was all misty eyed and said he loved how much I lit up when I was talkign about what I loved. They thought it was cute and funny cos Im normally being told to shut up! 😆

I had a relationship like this but it was more irresponsibility with money than total lack of it which I found so frustrating.

He would be skint because he gave his sister rent money or because he bought a new car, didn’t like it so sold it back at a loss or bought £2k of new hobby material for a hobby he liked for 2 days.

It was exhausting.

Could he do something like boot camps for school children? My children would have loved something like that, someone who would help them get fit over the school holidays.

Aww you sound lovely. Sorry it didn't work out. What a shame. Sounds like you get it though. At our age, when you know you know right. Im far from perfect. Im finally stable but its taken some time, and I will have a shit pension too.

But there is a difference between him being happy to do free or cheap things and him wanting you to pay for him. Being expected to pay would be a relationship killer. But him just being broke, but being thoughtful in non-financial ways is totally different.

If he was using you financially, I'd jump to LTB. But if not, you just need to decide what is more important. Having the money (but no one to do things with) or being with someone you love and having to adjust your expectations. You can always do the pricey things with friends or alone.

How many men do you think you'll find with this guy at your age? Sorry to be harsh, but a connection like that is 1 in a million for a 50 year old (and I speak as a non-spring chicken myself!)