Do I Need To End This?

[didwejustbecomebestfriends]

So I divorced 8 years ago, dated loads and had had several short relationships. Have never been in love since exDH which should show this really is special. My new guy we knew each other a year, and have been together for 4 months now and are deeply in love. I know only too well how hard that is to find especially at my age of 50. He is everything I want. Kindness, supportive, has my back, funny and the sexual chemistry and connection is off the charts. Ive never felt this way before. I feel very strongly he is the one. Literally my only issue is money - which I hate myself for. Im 50, I am not rich, but Im comfortable. I don't expect a man to pay for me - but I do want someone who can afford 50/50 to do the things that are important to me at this stage in life. I want to be going on weekends away, holidays, dinners out, takeaways, visiting historic sites (its both our thing). Things are tight for him right now though. I dont like to talk about money but he has mentioned this (he runs a business). But I see my friends going away with their boyfriends right now and I want that too. Ive shared this with loved ones and they are worried. Im a very generous person, and I can feel my mothering instincts come out and I worry about him financially. We do lots of free or cheap things together - like long walks, and visiting historic places (which I love), but I found myself pretending I didn't want to do something on my birthday that I wanted to because I was worried about him paying. Im adjusting what I want to do because I don't want him worrying about the money, and I certainly don't want to be the one paying. I dont think hes tight - I just think right now he doesnt have it.

I feel bad because Ive been there - Ive been poor and its shite. But Im not now and I don't want to live like I am. My loved one said I should end it now before I get any deeper. But I know only too well how hard this type of connection is for me to find, and I am worried I am walking away from something amazing because of money! And also maybe later we can do these things. His business is seasonal and summers aren't great apparently. If I talk to him about it, it will be so awkward, and it could make him feel pressured which I would never want to do.

WWYD?

Funnily enough it took him a year to persuade me to date him. I had concerns we were in different life stages. I took a chance, Ive fallen HARD. He really is wonderful and absolutely everything I want. Its just this issue. He wants the same as me - a best friend with loads of chemistry. Which we have in abundance. He wants a person to do life with - like me.
Gosh this is hard.

Hmm, having 2 young kids to support does change the picture as he’s likely going to be broke for many years to come. If he has cash for a holiday he should be taking them. Their birthdays will always be, rightly, take priority.

I think I’d enjoy it for now, try and have a conversation about his plans for the future at some point and probably you’ll get sick of it and get the ick at some stage.

Why? What happens in those four months that he suddenly has hundreds of extra pounds? Even a cheap weekend quite locally with three meals a day at a pub or restaurant is going to be £500. That's £250 each which is a chunk of someone is on a tight budget. Even if he saved £50 a month he'd only just have that at 4 months.

Going by your update: have you not read the numerous negative threads on dating? You're clearly not as into him as you say, if you're more concerned about the things you've described. He'd be better off going it alone. If you want somebody with a bit more cash, go and find him.

Oh don't say that. Its simply not true at all. Hes absolutely wonderful. Which is why I want to be travelling, doing little trips, going for dinners with him. Not because I want to be bought diamonds - Im not into gifts anyway - its not my love language. I am into spending time together and having adventures together. Does that make me shallow? maybe he can do better.

My bestie is going on her third holiday with her boyfriend of 8 months and the green eyed monster has come out. But it is because I love him and want to do things with him. Not because Im not into him - the complete opposite.

But in time, sadly 💰 might undermine ❤

You lost me at bestie. Sorry OP.

Dangermoo

Haha. Closest female friend. Mate. Chum. Any of those better? :)

Have you actually talked to him about money? Or are you assuming that he can't do these things without having had a conversation? First step is to sit him down and talk about what your expectations are and whether his financial situation makes that difficult. Then you'll both know where you are

Well hes expressed that money is really tight right now. Ive seen him relentlessly trying to get another side job during his seasonal period (he does that every year no problems) but this year is proving difficult and he has expressed how stressed he is about it. He has also said that he has a boom around xmas and new year. That's all I know. I don't really want to be talkign about money though tbh.

'My bestie is going on her third holiday with her boyfriend of 8 months and the green eyed monster has come out. But it is because I love him and want to do things with him. Not because Im not into him - the complete opposite.'

Its fine to want to enjoy life. Imagine if he was loaded but sex was crap, we'd all be saying money isn't everything.

Relationships have to tick all your boxes and this doesn't. Just move on it is absolutely ok to want to enjoy trips etc.

If that were the case you’d be happily waiting longer to see if he has more money for this stuff. But the reality is you are dating a younger man with young kids, who will come first financially for a long time. If you were so in love you wouldn’t be discussing ending this already. So it sounds like ending it is the right thing for both of you.

There are a few things in your update that concern me. This business sounds like it's been going a while. Yet he hasn't planned well enough to have money in his down time. Instead he gets another job. So essentially his business doesn't make enough to survive on. What does he plan on doing about that? Because it seems like his plan might be do get a partner who supports him. Hence he 'relentlessly persued' you for a year....

His business is seasonal. So massive boom in xmas and new year, normal rest of the time, low in summer. Hes been doing it 3 years and always gets a second job in summer. This year he hasn't been able to secure one, despite great effort, so hes bummed and stressed.

I myself dont earn during summer, so things are lighter for me as it goes. I work self employed for unis so things are lean for me in this period, but I expect that and manage it.

If he is a cocklodger hes barking up the wrong tree there because I wont let that happen.

Life is about more than holidays and weekends away.

You're always going to resent his lack of cash @didwejustbecomebestfriends so do him a favour and just let him go.

I don't think you're ever going to get past this smouldering resentment.

Do you have other people you can do some of those things with, take the pressure off your relationship to fulfil all your goals?

Exactly what I was going to say.

Well I do things like that with friends. Walks, coffees, lunches, and I go on holiday with them. But I really do want a partner to go on mucky weekends away with. And sun holidays. And road trips. Its different with a boyfriend isnt it? I cant deny that I want that.

I'd rather have a decent, loyal man than a loaded one, but that's just me. I also think it's VERY early days and wonder if you're just trying to compete with your friend in the 'who has the best boyfriend' stakes.

As a PP said, buy him National Trust membership for Christmas, go away with friends instead of him (there's nothing stopping you have 'mucky weekends' at home, less money and less stress) and let your relationship broaden and deepen before you start throwing money at long haul holidays. Enjoy what you have, rather than what you think you should have.

Incidentally, why did his relationship with the mother of his children end? Not over money, I hope...

So this year is different for him? The job market is certainly tough at the moment.

What if this tough job market had hit a year down the line instead? Would you be considering ditching him the moment times got financially tough and he couldn't afford the holidays you expect? What if your fortunes changed? Would you expect the same treatment from him? Money can come and go! It's a bit of a flimsy basis for a relationship.

It seems you're more interested in keeping up with your friends. Madly is love st 4 months? Give over.

Boyfriend, bummed, love language, bestie, fallen hard

You sound like a romanticist OP

Real world financial problems and concerns might not be for you - as you say, you don’t like discussing them. He’s got two lots of child maintenance to pay when he’s not even working presumably.

I don’t see this working out in the long term despite the sexual chemistry.

You are jealous of your bestie’s trips with her new boyfriend and want this for yourself. Nothing wrong with that - but doesn’t sound like this guy can provide that.

Just such a weird set up that his seasonal work is Christmas and New Year. Obviously if hospitality it'd be an all year thing, selling Christmas trees maybe? But that would rule New Year out 🤔

Whatever it is no one has a seasonal business just for Christmas so even if he gets a job in the summer he really needs to rethink and look at getting a fulltime permanent job.

It's a snap shot of his common sense and trouble shooting skills isn't it. He doesn't sound the brightest so on that basis I'd be out.

Maybe he plays Santa

He has a personal training business. So its steady all year - massive boom pre and post xmas as youd expect, and low in summer hols as everyone is on holidays.

I think what’s most important is feeling happy and feeling loved and he seems to be doing that. I wouldn’t compare your relationship to any else’s as there’s no point, people only share and shout about the good stuff, rarely the bad!

I also wouldn’t hide things you want to do from him, if you wanted to do something for your birthday then tell him in advance, give him a chance to either save for it or go do it with someone else and see him after.

I have been your dp in my relationship in the early days. It was hard and I felt I was letting my dh down but he paid for the one off things, the things he really wanted to do and he wanted me to be a part of. Years down the line I’m in a better place financially and feel like I can now treat him to things that I wasn’t able to do before.
As you say, he’s in a different stage in his life just now but it’s not a permanent stage. Things will change so don’t miss out on love with someone for the sake of money.