Do I Need To End This?

[didwejustbecomebestfriends]

So I divorced 8 years ago, dated loads and had had several short relationships. Have never been in love since exDH which should show this really is special. My new guy we knew each other a year, and have been together for 4 months now and are deeply in love. I know only too well how hard that is to find especially at my age of 50. He is everything I want. Kindness, supportive, has my back, funny and the sexual chemistry and connection is off the charts. Ive never felt this way before. I feel very strongly he is the one. Literally my only issue is money - which I hate myself for. Im 50, I am not rich, but Im comfortable. I don't expect a man to pay for me - but I do want someone who can afford 50/50 to do the things that are important to me at this stage in life. I want to be going on weekends away, holidays, dinners out, takeaways, visiting historic sites (its both our thing). Things are tight for him right now though. I dont like to talk about money but he has mentioned this (he runs a business). But I see my friends going away with their boyfriends right now and I want that too. Ive shared this with loved ones and they are worried. Im a very generous person, and I can feel my mothering instincts come out and I worry about him financially. We do lots of free or cheap things together - like long walks, and visiting historic places (which I love), but I found myself pretending I didn't want to do something on my birthday that I wanted to because I was worried about him paying. Im adjusting what I want to do because I don't want him worrying about the money, and I certainly don't want to be the one paying. I dont think hes tight - I just think right now he doesnt have it.

I feel bad because Ive been there - Ive been poor and its shite. But Im not now and I don't want to live like I am. My loved one said I should end it now before I get any deeper. But I know only too well how hard this type of connection is for me to find, and I am worried I am walking away from something amazing because of money! And also maybe later we can do these things. His business is seasonal and summers aren't great apparently. If I talk to him about it, it will be so awkward, and it could make him feel pressured which I would never want to do.

WWYD?

I love this. I agree. This thread has been massively helpful to give my head a big wobble. He is wonderful and we are connected and that is INCREDIBLY hard to find at my age as I know only too well.
Thanks everyone.

Personally I would keep it going while you see how things are longer term.

But... do you want more children? Does he? That might be an issue.

You say that you expect that and manage that, like he hadn’t. But you also said he always gets a second job but this year it hasn’t worked - so he did try to anticipate it. Sometimes life happens OP, you need to be in for the good times and the bad if you stick at it.

He should get a fulltime proper job though.

The lack of trips and holidays is a red herring imo. The problem is his poor self management job wise which would be a bit of turn off for me.

Suggest he gets a full time job at the local leasure centre/gym then do personal training as extras think that's what most do. More of a reliable income.

I’ve been in your shoes.

It ruined the relationship. because I, like you, was at a stage in life where I didn’t need to feel harnessed by a lack of funds.

In the end it all got really boring not only having to pay for him if I really really wanted to do an activity but I could envisage a future where I constantly facilitated things he couldn’t otherwise afford.

I eased myself out of the relationship by doing the more expensive activities alone. I stopped “feeding” it on the back of my finances.

I understand, OP. It's entirely understandable to want what you see other couples enjoying.

Like some have said, it's worth seeing how this tracks over the colder months when his business should be in a better position. It takes time for the limerance to fade, so you can make an honest assessment, and 4 months in, you're in the throes of excitement and lust etc.

Plus, there's a difference between not having disposable cash (which it sounds like your bloke is experiencing) and someone being tight/irresponsible/guarded with whatever money they do have. Where it creeps into being mean, that's a red flag. Where it's someone being responsible but unable to meet you at your level, that could indicate a clash of lifestyles. But you can't spend what you don't have, and if everything else about the relationship is wonderful, then this may be the compromise you strike.

Equally, if you decide that it's important to share these slightly expensive things with a partner, you're within your rights to call time and find someone who better suits your lifestyle.

I understand your dilemma, but it's worth remembering that so often in life, we can't have everything we want. I'd hang in there and see how it goes.

20 years ago when now DH and I got together I had a six figure job, my own flat in London and a very nice lifestyle that I worked very hard for. He had gone into higher education late, and had completed his PhD and done a few short term academic jobs and was then just starting out in a new career.

I have always been very attracted to his intellect, we shared values and had such great fun together I just thought fuck it and I paid for our holidays because I wanted them and I wanted him to share them with me. It never felt one-way and that was reassuring - he always brought something to the table - his time, his effort, his care, his consideration, and whatever he could afford in those early days.

I think we laid some solid foundations for our future in those times, and our financial fortunes shifted over the last 2 decades including multiple promotions for him. He took a career hit for a few years when the kids were little and went to 3 days/week and took charge of all domestic and childcare responsibilities whilst I went through a challenging time in my career. We always had joint finances and there was a great year when we both worked 4 days each. Then I burnt out from work and ended up taking 5 years off and he completely financially supported us all during that time.

Sorry, I waffled …. My point is that not bringing comparable money to the table at a single point in time is not a dealbreaker as long as other contributions are made. If you have that, and you have love, well, you’ve got it made

I would look at it this way-
Say you'd really love to go on 3 holidays and 4 weekends away a year that you and your partner went 50/50 on. But you can't so for now you could settle for one holiday and two weekends away that you would pay for.
It depends if you'd still resent that but you wouldn't spent any more money than the former option.
And you can always do other things with friends such as your girls holiday.
Personally I wouldn't be too quick to lose a personal trainer 7 years my junior!
Edited a typo

Personally I wouldn't be too quick to lose a personal trainer 7 years my junior!

Haha. I hear you! Hence why I want the mucky weekends away. lol.

If you are considering leaving him for this, you haven't "fallen hard" and you are not "deeply in love" as I understand those terms.

You are allowed to have your own priorities and choose what makes you happy of course, and nobody can judge you for that.

You have choices:

You could keep seeing him and forgive the trips/visits and meals out.

You could pay for him some of the time (can't understand why this concept repulses you so much).

You could do said trips etc on your own/with friends (,which you will have to anyway if you dump him).

OR of course, you could finish with him.

If you choose that, I don't think you can really claim to have loved him, though.

OP you are not deeply in love. If you were, it wouldn’t be crossing your mind to dump someone because he can’t afford to go on holiday.

Your dh was studying though, he had potential and a career plan. This bloke is a personal trainer and wonders why he doesn't have a good reliable salary.

His situation isn't going to change unless he gets a permanent fulltime job.

Was he YOUR personal trainer and he spent a year persuading you to go out with him?

No he wasnt my personal trainer. Im way too lazy for that. No we met on Tinder, and then went off the app and just kept talking as friends. I didn't want to date him because of his age, and him having young kids. But we just got on so well, and I did find him very attractive from his pics, and one day I just thought fuck it. I honestly thought I was done because I was going on endless shit dates, and never fancying or liking anyone. But with him I did instantly. And we knew each other anyway, so it was a weird first meeting because we had never met but had talked most days for a year.

At the start of my relationship I paid for holidays for me and my partner because I wanted to go and it was the only way. Now he supports me while I raise our child. It ebbs and flows. I didn’t think twice about it at the time. As long as you have no suspicions he's trying to manipulate you in any way then I certainly wouldn’t give up the love of my life because he couldn’t afford his share of a holiday.

What would you regret more?

I admire what he has done tbh with his career. He was in a miserable finance job that he was so depressed about. He had a mental health crisis, got therapy, and changed his life. I love that. He felt working out really benefitted him mentally, so he started his own business three years ago in that, with an emphasis on the mental health benefits, and he is incredibly happy. I have a rule when I date that I only want to be with someone who loves what they do - I dont care what it is - but it is important to me that they are passionate about their work. I have been with people who hate their job and do nothing to change that, and thats not for me. I like to be around people who are happy and they exude that happiness then. So what he does is a massive box tick for me.

I think if you can rope in your money worries and enjoy getting to know him more then that’s the way to go. Save the expensive stuff for friends meantime. Nothing wrong with treating you both to a nice weekend away either - I’m sure you’d let him if it was the other way around.

Love isn't always enough OP, especially once the novelty wears off. He's not compatible with your lifestyle and in the long run you will resent him for holding you back.

Also I think you’re way too worried about what your friends think. It’s your life not theirs. But I agree with PP - if you are considering ending it because of this then there’s no way you’re deeply in love with him.

I’m in the same situation but 10 years down the line with someone I met at 50. I still have way more disposable income. I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t get to me sometimes. We either do things jointly on a budget or I pay for us both. It’s more the doing things on a budget that I find a bit depressing sometimes rather than me paying for things. However it’s not because he’s mean, he’s just had a lifetime of living frugally in low paid work that he loves and is not at all materialistic.
But I love the bones of him, he is emotionally supportive and fantastic company, we have a lot of fun and all that makes up for his lack of money.

so you admire him for following his passion but it’s just not quite good enough for you? I think you need to step back and look at what you’re saying OP

so you admire him for following his passion but it’s just not quite good enough for you? I think you need to step back and look at what you’re saying OP

Edenmum2 I am, believe me I am. Hes amazing and I love him. I only had these doubts about ending it, as that what my loved ones advised I should do and I wanted to get opinions on here as to what people thought. I know I couldn't do it even if everyone agreed anyway, but I wanted to see other peoples reactions. Tbh I am thrilled with the responses, because I dont want to give up what we have.

I think I just need to book us up a weekend away on me, and accept that may be the go for a while. He brings so so much to the table who cares about the rest of it.

Yes it's all a bit contradictory isn't it

Fine love someone for following their dream, that is great but then it is odd to be disappointed that dream low paid unreliable job is low paid.

He could do a happy medium? Forget depressing finance jobs and just get a job at a gym that provides consistent pay and have personal assistant stuff as a bonus.

gloriia it is contradictory, you are right