Do I Need To End This?

[didwejustbecomebestfriends]

So I divorced 8 years ago, dated loads and had had several short relationships. Have never been in love since exDH which should show this really is special. My new guy we knew each other a year, and have been together for 4 months now and are deeply in love. I know only too well how hard that is to find especially at my age of 50. He is everything I want. Kindness, supportive, has my back, funny and the sexual chemistry and connection is off the charts. Ive never felt this way before. I feel very strongly he is the one. Literally my only issue is money - which I hate myself for. Im 50, I am not rich, but Im comfortable. I don't expect a man to pay for me - but I do want someone who can afford 50/50 to do the things that are important to me at this stage in life. I want to be going on weekends away, holidays, dinners out, takeaways, visiting historic sites (its both our thing). Things are tight for him right now though. I dont like to talk about money but he has mentioned this (he runs a business). But I see my friends going away with their boyfriends right now and I want that too. Ive shared this with loved ones and they are worried. Im a very generous person, and I can feel my mothering instincts come out and I worry about him financially. We do lots of free or cheap things together - like long walks, and visiting historic places (which I love), but I found myself pretending I didn't want to do something on my birthday that I wanted to because I was worried about him paying. Im adjusting what I want to do because I don't want him worrying about the money, and I certainly don't want to be the one paying. I dont think hes tight - I just think right now he doesnt have it.

I feel bad because Ive been there - Ive been poor and its shite. But Im not now and I don't want to live like I am. My loved one said I should end it now before I get any deeper. But I know only too well how hard this type of connection is for me to find, and I am worried I am walking away from something amazing because of money! And also maybe later we can do these things. His business is seasonal and summers aren't great apparently. If I talk to him about it, it will be so awkward, and it could make him feel pressured which I would never want to do.

WWYD?

Sometimes one person earns more than the other. It’s just the way life goes.

As long as I knew he was working hard and wasn’t in this financial situation because of laziness or being bad with money (gambling etc) I would work it out.

OP, money aside, my biggest concern would be why he only sees his 2 young children 1 day a week.

It sounds like he has a lot if free time at the moment, and it's the summer holidays. Why isn't he bending over backwards to spend as much time as possible with his DC's while he can?

If all his spare money and time was going on them, I might be a bit more understanding.

He has just had them overnight last night. So its every Sunday and then the odd sleepover. I don't know why. I don't like to ask as I feel thats not my business. I wouldn't like it if he probed me about stuff like that.

He doesn't have a lot of free time. He is working, and when he isn't working he is promoting. So, for example, he will say have a clients in from 7-10 , and then 5-9, but he has a desk at the gym so in between he is promoting. He works hard. I mean its not exactly working as far as I can see - but Ive only been on the scene 4 months. At the beginning of us dating he was swamped with work though.

Also did becoming self employed coincide with child maintenance payments? As in he prob only has to pay £5 a week or something ridiculous and to only have his kids one day a week….
luckily you won’t be having kids with him but I’d be suspicious of a man who doesn’t have more contact than one day a week …

This is school holiday time and he's got very little work on, yet he's only having his children once a week? Have a think about that, OP.

But why would you date a man with DC of those ages who parents his DC so little and prioritises his personal, unrealistic work goals over providing for them?

Preferring people who are ‘passionate about what they do’, him being good company and nice to you and the paucity of good alternative dating options don’t seem sufficient reasons to ignore that he’s a deadbeat dad.

'" you think she is being played like a fiddle" I don't think she is because she's here posting about whether she should end the relationship 4 months in'

Yes but only because of the disparity in available funds not the reasons why and if she should settle for parks and walks as opposed to trips that need some spends because of being deeply in love after 4 months.

The op doesn't appear to be wondering why he has a barely viable business after 3 years or questioning why he may be so enthralled in a discussion about medieval history when he knows it's one of her favourite subjects.

She just need to have her eyes wide open and look deeper than if they can afford a park versus a castle.

Honestly throw this one back OP, he will get snapped up. He's not for you and that's okay. Totally different stages of life. He's not going to be jetting off with you when hes got 2 kids to provide for. Financial side of things is important to you so make that a priority when you are looking for someone new.

His dating pool might actually be fairly limited. Excluding:

• Women who want DC or more DC (since presumably he doesn’t).
• Women who don’t want to date a man with DC.
• Women who don’t want to date him in particular due to the negative indicators about him as a father and / or his work and financial situation.

So he’s basically sacrificed his children’s future and wellbeing and what they need for his happiness? His children will need money for food clothes school clothes university costs etc and instead he’s bumming around being a personal trainer? Why didn’t he go part time in finance or get a different job in the same field and do fitness on the side? He can’t be very good at what he does or where he’s doing it as good fitness instructors have waiting lists all year round and can afford holidays and meals out and doing special things for their girlfriends.

on your birthday even though he couldn’t afford whatever you really want did he make it extra special and put together a lovely picnic and took you to a lovely spot to eat it and drink champagne or something or did he just not make the effort? Because this is what it’s really about isn’t it? If your boyfriend really wanted to he could work to
pay the bills and have the extras his kids and him need AND do fitness instruction on the side to help with his mental health!

if be VERY wary that this man has found someone he enjoys spending time with and she’s also extra attractive as he doesn’t need to make the effort as she can pay not only for her own wants and needs but his too and by extension also his kids as if you’re covering his whatever then you’re paying for his kids stuff

but Ive only been on the scene 4 months

Exactly @didwejustbecomebestfriends
You barely know him so how can you possibly love him ?

To answer some questions -
I don't have an issue with how he is as a father. From what I have seen and know he is a very present, dedicated, loving father who adores his girls.

I also don't have an issue with him giving up a job he hated and made him very depressed to pursue a business that he loves. It seems, overall, to be a success, he is just having a blip during the summer. That's what Im hoping anyway.
I do believe you can fall in love after 4 months if not sooner, and you certainly can know someone. As I say, we have spoken most days for a year prior to dating, and we have spent a lot of time together.

As for my birthday, he made a big fuss, got me flowers, and my favourite prosecco, and bought lunch and a take away that night. We spent a lovely day together walking around a historic site.

Anyway, I have reflected and I think I have let the jealousy of my friend going away affect me. We are early in the relationship, in his tricky season, so this shouldn't be the norm. I will continue to just enjoy being with him and stop getting in my own head.
Thank you everyone for contributing though.

I think OP is too deep in the sex haze to be thinking rationally. It will catch up with her unfortunately and by then they’ll probably be living together and she’s having to pay for everything whilst he chases his fantasy 🤷‍♀️

@didwejustbecomebestfriends whatever you choose to do, don't let him move in
Have all the fun you like but make that your line in the sand .

Was he your personal trainer and that's how you met him?