Husband unhappy with my friendship with a man

[Lll09]

I knew my friend long before I met my husband; we have been close friends for years, and it's purely platonic, with no romantic feelings whatsoever. However, my husband has become increasingly annoyed at the amount of time I've even spending with them - he has been made redundant and has a lot of free time.
My husband asked me to stop spending so much time together, I refused and 6 months ago he left.

On the whole, I thought we had a happy marriage, aside from this issue. We have 2 children, plus 1 from my previous marriage. I thought, he'd clam down and we'd progress to counselling but he's made it clear he isn't interested.

At the start of the school holidays, he told me he is no longer willing to financially support me and has told me to find a full time job. It's going to be a nightmare because he has been very noncommittal about providing childcare for his step child, although he has said he will continue to contribute to their school fees.

A few friends have said I should have acquiesced, and I sometimes thing i should have.

To be honest I think your title is wrong. Your male friend may have been the cause of the initial disagreement but I think your behaviour since is the reason he’s moving towards a divorce. It’s not necessarily about the male fire friend, it’s the disrespect

Is this a reverse? The lack of detail in some aspects of the post makes me wonder. It's also more common for men to throw their marriages away like this than women.

You completely ignored your husband's feelings about a situation he was uncomfortable with. You told your husband how important he was- which wasn't very important at all- and he made a decision for himself.

Your life circumstances have changed based on your decisions and it is in no way your ex's responsibility to take care of your child.

If this is correct… you go out 3-4 times a week with a child from a previous relationship, plus two more children you share and all are attending fee paying school and let’s say you only work part time. Your DH told you he was uncomfortable with you swanning about with a friend multiple times in the week while he works full time, paying for one child that isn’t his… and you told him he could stick it. He then gave you six months and you’re surprised you have to fund yourself in the future?

I wouldn’t dream of going out this much in the week in your set up, with kids school fees, limited earnings and basically rubbing it in my partner’s face. I don’t think it would matter to me if the friend is male or female. I cannot get over having 3 kids and going out 4 times a week on someone else’s salary.

Sorry, I think you got your priorities wrong here.
I had a close male friend when I met my husband (didn’t see each other often due to distance but text almost every day). The moment things got serious with my husband I realised my friendship would have to change. We stayed friends but he was no longer the first person I went to with news or for advice etc. My husband was cool with us being friends, but if at any point he hadn’t have been I would have distanced the friendship even more without hesitation. Unfortunately (for me) friend met his now wife who wasn’t cool with us being friends so now he has basically ghosted me. But you know what? I get it. Spouses come first especially when you have children with them. I can’t imagine a world where I would choose any of my friends over my husband and father of my kids. Your actions tell me that maybe deep down you didn’t see the relationship working out long term or maybe you had already drifted apart?

I'm going to go against the grain here. I'm in a similar situation. I have a very good male friend I see often, also through a hobby and also purely platonic, whom I have known for well over a decade.
We have been good friends from before I met my current partner. Fortunately, my partner is fine with me having friends and we are secure in our relationship so it's not an even close to an issue.
But if he ever insisted I reduce or cut contact with an old friend, not because I was having an affair or ever intended to, but simply because he felt insecure and jealous, then frankly I'd be reconsidering the relationship myself.
Good friends and community are healthy. Being completely wrapped up in your romantic partner to the point that you're cutting off friends to prevent jealousy is not.
And yes, I do agree that this would be different in the case of an emotional affair or infatuation, but there is absolutely no evidence that this is what is happening here.

I know for certain my husband who never has never questioned me or stopped me from doing my own thing -mutual, would absolutely not be happy with me having lunch regularly with another man ,and i would feel the same with him and a female friend.
Not many people would tolerate this ,its human nature.

Maybe you should have thought of it before you picked a mate over a husband?

3 times a week often?

I can't believe the responses on this thread. Its like going back to the 18th century in terms of attitudes.

Your husband, instead of managing his insecurity, instead seeks to control who you can be friends with, then punishes you for not submitting with divorce.

And people here honestly think you are the unreasonable one?

Absolutely not. I hope you get a fantastic divorce settlement from him and move on to have a wonderful relationship with a secure man who is glad you have good longstanding friends.

So your DH would be happy for you to swan off to lunch with this male friend, once a week, while he’s at work earning the money to pay for the lunch. And he’s also paying towards the school fees of a child that’s not even his. Really?

Are you saying because he earns money that means he can buy control over who his wife is friends with?

And what exactly is the distinction between ' swanning' off to lunch and just 'going' to lunch?

Wow op
Can you apologise to your husband and stop seeing your man friend
Your eldest child will of been through two broken relationships now ,two family upheavals .
I think you need to try hard to fix your marriage

If a man was doing what you did op
And the wife was on here explaining the situation
Everyone would be saying,it's an emotional affair,and won't be long till they sleep together.
Which is what your DH was thinking I expect

If any of your friendships move from through a hobby to seeing them multiple times a week 1:1, you should check in with your partner just how comfortable they really are with that kind of closeness.

It's her second divorce, and she is the common denominator.

You've found out now - good for your husband for holding his boundaries, rather than supporting your lifestyle while you take the piss out of him with another man.

They would if it were a new man in her life, but not for a longstanding friend way predating the marriage they would not.

What a daft reply.

The cause of the divorce here is an insecure man.

But apparently, lots of women on mumsnet think that once a man is married he gets to tell his wife to cool off her longstanding friendships if they are with a man, especially if he earns money. Because apparently money gives men the right to control over women.. Women's agency can be purchased by men.

Genuinely shocked by the attitudes on this thread.

Well you chose to ignore your DH's feelings and put yourself and your lunches with your friend first. I suspect that this wasn't the only issue in the breakdown of your marriage though if this is a general guide of your behaviour. If he has been fully supporting you and your DC for a whole 6 months after your separation, I'm not surprised that he has now told you to get a full time job. Do you work at all now? Why do you think he is responsible for looking after his step son as well as his own DC? You and the child's father will need to pay for childcare, just as many other people do.

Your husband asked you to stop spending time with someone else and prioritise him and your family. You chose the other man. I can’t blame your husband and there’s plenty of treads on here where the genders were the other way round. He doesn’t need to provide childcare (nor finance) for the stepchild. Sounds like he supported you when married to work part time. Why the hell should he now you have split up. Stop being entitled, you need to get a full time or 2nd job. You created this situation so own up to it now.

I'm genuinely shocked that whenever a woman posts on here that her husband or partner is spending a lot of time with another female in this case 3 times a week.
They're immediately backed up and told it's inappropriate

For a man to do the reverse is insecure.

Why don't all these insecure little womenThen stop worrying about the amount of time their husband is spending with female friends.

But it's OK because OPs second now ex rethought the relationship for her and she can continue to meet up with the friend. Except she needs the ex to provide childcare for her child with her other ex in order to be able to do so. Oooops.

Also, shocked at the blinkered view of reality here. Get an amazing divorce settlement and go and find a wonderful and secure man who's happy to support your friendships.

Yeah, a twice divorced mother of three kids, by two different men, who doesn't work. The wonderful secure men are going to be lining up for her, aren't they.

Except the terms of the long standing friendship have changed. He is out of work and spending excess amounts of time with her. No one needs a friendship where you are seeing that person multiple times a week, not just in a hobby group, but 1:1, regardless of the sexes of the friends. It is clear the husband has had enough of bank rolling her and looking after the kids, one of whom is not even his, while she goes out with her 'friend' over and over again for months on end.