Husband unhappy with my friendship with a man

[Lll09]

I knew my friend long before I met my husband; we have been close friends for years, and it's purely platonic, with no romantic feelings whatsoever. However, my husband has become increasingly annoyed at the amount of time I've even spending with them - he has been made redundant and has a lot of free time.
My husband asked me to stop spending so much time together, I refused and 6 months ago he left.

On the whole, I thought we had a happy marriage, aside from this issue. We have 2 children, plus 1 from my previous marriage. I thought, he'd clam down and we'd progress to counselling but he's made it clear he isn't interested.

At the start of the school holidays, he told me he is no longer willing to financially support me and has told me to find a full time job. It's going to be a nightmare because he has been very noncommittal about providing childcare for his step child, although he has said he will continue to contribute to their school fees.

A few friends have said I should have acquiesced, and I sometimes thing i should have.

I think this is called biting the hand that feeds you.

So do you not work at all right now?

Most people trust their partners but it doesn't stop them shagging someone behind your back does it.

I feel the most sorry for the step child in all of this.

It's not her fault. This is the second time she's had her mother get divorced. What is different this time is that she has half siblings. She gets to see her half siblings, continue a relationship with their father and their father's family whilst she is just left. That will certainly breed resentment among the children that she no longer has access to her step dad.

What an absolute mess of five people's lives just for one friend who probably wouldn't piss on her if she was burning.

Its hard to say just how unreasonable your dh has been without hearing his side. On the one hand this was a friendship you had before your dh came along, however a husband should (in my view) come before a friend. Does you friend have a wife/partner if not and they met someone would you still come first?

If it’s an old friend from before your marriage I would say you should have talked to H and compromised a solution. It seems you have put your F before your H and now no one’s happy.

So for clarity OP, you were spending every Saturday, one evening a week, one lunch time each week, as well as a night out with other friends each week, which presumably included your friend. That’s a lot. You and your DH have three kids and with the day to day running of the household maybe didn’t get to spend much ‘quality time’ together. I think this is maybe the crux of the matter - from your DH’s perspective you were prioritising quality time with your friend and not affording him the same consideration. I think this is evident in that he wasn’t asking you to end the friendship, just cut down on time spent with him. I do wonder how many times he’s asked this and you’ve refused before he’s got to the point of leaving.

I’d love to know the answers to a few things. Is your friend married. ? If so was he upfront with his wife about spending so much time with you ? Does he know you’ve split up, and that he was the cause ? You say you’ve been married before - was there any infidelity on your part, because if so I can see where your DH is coming from.

It’s unfortunate that he doesn’t want to continue the marriage, but you really can’t blame him because you’ve made it clear this man was more important to you than him and your family life, and it doesn’t sound as though there’s any coming back from it. The only thing you can do is learn from it and move on as best you can. You shouldn’t be expecting him to support the child from a former relationship - if you and the child’s father can’t afford private school or any other considerations from your DH’s income then they should stop. You need to get legal advice and get a divorce and CMS sorted then see where that leaves you financially, and in the meantime get a job and childcare sorted out. I know that’s more easily said than done, but you really have no alternative, so cracking on with it ASAP is your only option.

After the other thread in plain sight, this one is almost unbelievable

I think the solution was already in OP’s hands. Her DH wasn’t asking her to end the friendship, just cut down on the time spent with this man.

Erm as a wife I would find is bizarre you spending so much time with a male friend you've got your focus very wrong and also find it odd you wouldn't work full time when you can to so thumbs up for your hubby making a stand and sad you made a choice that quite frankly cuts him out

Im thinking OP is spending more time with him than she's admitted, especially as he's been redundant and not working

Agree it does seem like a baiting thread as surely no one is that entitled?

You want your stbex to bankroll you while you swan around with with the unemployed bloke you broke up your marriage for - ffs get real!

Doesn’t sound as though he’s been unreasonable at all. I think there’s more to this than OP is letting on. How many times did he ask her to cut down the time spent with the friend before he walked out ? How many times did she refuse ? If this was a happy marriage before this, why was there not more discussion before effectively ending it ?

Is it you and your friend doing the hobby one-on-one or are you doing it as part of a group/ club?

You commit one evening, one lunch time and one weekend day to your friend and hobby. How much time did you commit to doing nice things with your husband?

???

There's another thread where the husband's hobby and special female friend is blowing up a marriage. Everyone on that thread is telling the OP to leave her piece of crap of a husband. I don't see why it should be different if the roles are reversed.

Your own fault. I’d leave my husband if he was spending more and more time with a woman and refused when I asked him to stop. You chose another man over him.

Well maybe you should have thought about that before you prioritised your unemployed mate over your marriage.

You reap what you sow

There's another thread where the husband's hobby and special female friend is blowing up a marriage. Everyone on that thread is telling the OP to leave her piece of crap of a husband. I don't see why it should be different if the roles are reversed.

you fucked up

If my DH spent so much time with a female friend that I felt I needed to ask him to stop, and he didn’t stop, that would tell me all I needed to know: he cares more about his relationship with her than his relationship with me.

You had your DH playing second fiddle and he grew tired and left. Probably sensible.

It would be kind of him to do you a favour and look after his step child while you keep up with your busy social life, but it shouldn’t be an expectation.

I think you need to get used to the fact that you are on your own because you essentially chose to be. You need to take ownership of your own responsibilities and not keep looking for others to fulfil them for you.

So if I’m understanding this right, for nine months of the year you see this male friend three times a week- a Saturday and through the week for your hobby and also a lunch date? That does sound like quite a lot to me. Is his issue jealousy? Or does he feel like meeting this friend (and also your other friends) impacts on family life? It’s not really fair for people to say you chose your friend over him. If it’s jealousy, then this is his issue and HE is choosing his jealousy over his marriage. If however your socialising is impacting on family life then yes it could be construed as you choosing that over him and your family.
Does he have friends/hobbies and how much time was that taking up for him?
Im wondering also if the friendship is just the excuse he needed to leave and is actually a red herring?
The job thing- does your working part time mean that you don’t need to spend as much money on childcare? If so, then his stance that he is ‘supporting you’ is unfair, because you are parenting the children and saving on childcare costs which can be considerable.
In the six months since he left, is he caring for the children equally? If so, who is caring for them when he is at work on ‘his time’ with them. Or is not 50/50 and you are still picking up the childcare slack? It’s difficult to say if yabu in continuing to work part time without knowing more about how childcare responsibilities are split.
If he wants you to go full time he needs to understand that might mean paying more for childcare.
Of course he doesn’t need to contribute anything to your child. It’s admirable if he wants to though.

Should have thought about that when choosing your friend over your marriage.

You prioritized your friend over your marriage. Your soon to be ex has told you it's time for you to get a job, so he was supporting you, your older child from another relationship, and your two kids together. He's also not going to be childcare for your oldest.

You made a dumb choice. FAFO.

Try hitting up up your friend for financial support and childcare. You dumped your marriage for him.

Something I've often thought reading similar whines!