To ask DH to contribute some money for summer

[snailandwhale25]

DH and I do have separate finances which I know isn’t for everybody but it’s just how we do things. He earns a lot more but in fairness pays for a lot more as well.

We have two children and I seem to be haemorrhaging money this summer. It isn’t even expensive days out, even things like a trip to the park once you’ve factored in parking and ice creams can leave not much change from £20. Plus because I’m with them in the one buying eg sun cream, snacks, groceries so we have food for dinner etc.

I’ve managed until now but payday is next week and I’ve barely anything. It isn’t unreasonable to ask DH to send some money over, is it?

Since you are married you are one entity. Better to have one main account from which you both draw - you could put personal fun money into separate accounts. You should tell DH you need more money - half of what you have spent/will spend needs to come from him (and it doesn't matter if he pays all the electricity bills, because if you are paying solely for the DC's holiday activities and for food for everyone that is the same difference).
I have said YABU that you need to ask if it's reasonable to ask him for more money! Of course he should be paying for his kids.

Yes then I'd take that out of it. But this is why it's so convoluted. Just share the account.

No. You’re wrong. A joint bank account would work for all sorts of reasons.

Can I ask, is this his decision or a joint decision for you to separate finances? Because my gut is telling me that it was his choice as he earns more and he can contribute as little as possible to the household and kids and pocket the rest for himself???? What is his contribution towards the kids then??

Over my relationship I’ve had entirely separate finances, then a joint account for mortgage, bills and food, and then finally - when the marriage and children stage started - the joint account became the main account with our personal accounts for our separate ‘fun’ money paid into from the joint account. So much easier, and reflective of the actual ownership of money in a marriage!

I am failing to understand this thread.

DH has his own account in which he gets paid his salary.
I have my own account in which I get paid my salary.

we have a separate joint account in which we contribute the sum total of mortgage, all bills, and all shared expenses including everything to do with kids. thee contributions are weighted by salary.

He retains his own salary account with which he does what he pleases re spending and saving, after contributions to joint account for expenses have been paid. I do the same with my salary account.

Why does this “not work” ?

Because they dont have the joint account you do for shared expenses which should include kids stuff, bills, mortgage etc.

we completely share which for me at least seems sensible. Who wants to keep adding up and working out percentages and transferring money when as a married couple you are one entity? If step children are involved or its a second marriage or some other complexities are involved then maybe do something else but otherwise no.

What if you had a joint account that you used for kid stuff? Put in the same amount every month and use as necessary? We have separate bank accounts too, mainly as we married later on in life and had things all set up, so we set up a joint one to pay joint things from like household bills, groceries and anything kid related regardless of who is looking after them.

@snailandwhale25 my husband and I have our salaries paid into our sole account but we have a joint account that we both pay into and all the bills, food shop and kids expenses come out of it. We pay the same in every month and some months we have around 400 left per month and some months we have Zero if it’s been a busy month but when there is money left over I stick it in a joint savings account and then if there is a month that’s more expensive I can just use the money in the joint savings. Would something like that work? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for money, I’m sure your husband wouldn’t want you to struggle or your kids to miss out. 🥰

I find it quite interesting that people talk about childcare costs and kids clothes/toys in the same breath.

Childcare costs are almost the size of my mortgage. 100% a joint cost which is budgeted upfront and treated as a major, serious part of our household finances.

Bundles of baby clothes off Vinted... I barely notice this as part of my general spending! We each just randomly buy toys and I'm sure I spend more but it hardly registers next to the gigantic mountain that is nursery costs...!!

Of course not

But honestly i think people think kids need constant entertainment and they really don't.

We had our annual camping holiday but apart from that we've just had:

• a visit from grandma (free)
• going to local parks in walking/biking distance (free)
• walks in the woods (free)
• cycle to the duck pond (free)
• local library (free)
• playing at home (free)

I refuse to buy ice creams out all the time, its extortionate and unecessary!

Ps i get it re the joint account. We have one but barely use it. Id be loaded if DH paid mortgage/bills and i paid the kids stuff. I don't think its a particularly unfair arrangement.

However... i do think when you split it that way (its a common approach) men can lose sight of just how expensive childcare , hobbies, clothes etc for kids have become. He is probably assuming you are flush with cash. Worth sitting down with him to talk through how much things are costing simply so he understands that area of your joint outgoings. Make sure you know what the electric/gas etc and mortgage are costing too - you need to be aware.

Not sure what you want from this thread. You don't want to change things. You don't want to talk to him about it. You think things are fair. You don't want a joint account. This month is an anomaly.

So stop moaning about it then. Just carry on.

I think to be honest your position is just really confusing. You both picked a random set of items to pay for that can go up and down in cost, you both earn different amounts, you have no reason to believe that the split you have is actually fair for either of you because you've never worked it out. You're fretting about whether you should ask him for money - but as a family unit neither of you understand the costs, so you have no idea if you should be budgeting better or sharing money differently. Yet berating posters who try to give you simple solutions.

If you refuse to find out what income and expenses your family unit has as a whole, then your only option is to budget better for whatever bits you agreed to pay for and hope your DH doesn't go bankrupt either. Sounds like an unnecessarily difficult way to live life, but you do you.

"Ask DH to contribute some money". Interesting concept, but I wouldn't live like this.

I'd struggle with this because what if one of you earns significantly more, so your 'fun money' (I've never heard this expression until this thread) is £50 and his is £5000. So he gets to go to a Michelin star restaurant and you have to stick to a sandwich from m&s. Or it's the other way round and he earns less. That doesn't seem like an equal marriage.

By having separate accounts it might not even be obvious the better paid person has all the extra cash. Maybe if you have exactly equal finances this works. But then why not just pool the fun money?

Possibly I think this way because I don't see any purchase made as a single purchase. If I want a handbag for example, it's because I need to carry things for work or for the DC and so it is a joint expense. DH won't use the handbag but it's something one of the family unit (me in this case) needs or wants. DH knows I'd prefer a nice handbag to a bag for life so he won't care if I spend what I want just as I won't care if he spends on whatever tech toy he wants.

Crucially neither of us take the piss and we tend to save as much as possible. What happens if your partner never saves money with their 'fun money' and you want to move house in five years? The lack of transparency and joint approach would make me feel we were just housemates.

I'd struggle with this because what if one of you earns significantly more, so your 'fun money' (I've never heard this expression until this thread) is £50 and his is £5000

If you weight your contributions to the joint account appropriately based on what you earn, this should not happen (my sister does this approach).

Possibly I think this way because I don't see any purchase made as a single purchase. If I want a handbag for example, it's because I need to carry things for work or for the DC and so it is a joint expense.

Crucially neither of us take the piss and we tend to save as much as possible

It doesn't work if you have quite different preferences/spending habits and money is tight. Most of the people i know who run this sort of joint account approach, neither of them is very spendy. If DH and i did it he'd get cross about the cost number of books i buy for the DC, simply because he isn't really a reader himself, and will say just go to the library, but the library has a really poor hotch potch selection (e.g. they will have book 2 of a popular series but 1 & 3 are missing). My kids read voraciously so this is something I'm happy to spend on.

Just tell him.
This summer has hit my bank account and with the added extras I have very little left till payday, can you let me have some money for the last 2 weeks of the summer expenses?

You should have full access to his money and he should trust you to use it sensibly and budget properly. I could not cope being treated like a child and asking for pocket money every week from my life partner. No way.

But even if you weight it, it could be one of you can pay for 100% of all household finances and still being galavanting around with tons of 'their' money. The other person might still only have £10 for fun spends. Yes they get everything paid for them but presumably their salary is lower because they facilitate the other person's. So it seems unfair not to share the fun money too.

The fact you have to even ask on a anonymous message board whether it’s okay to ask your husband to contribute to his own children over the summer, says that there is a problem with your financial dynamics.

I would just assume DH would trust and respect my decisions on things like this. Why do I need to hide it from him in a separate account?

Even if you don't want joint accounts or shared money you absolutely do need to a joint budget. Absurd way to run a family. You don't even know how much money your DH has! You need transparency and fairness.
I can't even fathom asking my husband to contribute towards summer. They're his kids, I just spend the money if I need to.

Having joint finances would be the answer here surely, then you don't need to ask permission for anything. Your money and his money is just odd in a marriage partnership surely?