To ask DH to contribute some money for summer

[snailandwhale25]

DH and I do have separate finances which I know isn’t for everybody but it’s just how we do things. He earns a lot more but in fairness pays for a lot more as well.

We have two children and I seem to be haemorrhaging money this summer. It isn’t even expensive days out, even things like a trip to the park once you’ve factored in parking and ice creams can leave not much change from £20. Plus because I’m with them in the one buying eg sun cream, snacks, groceries so we have food for dinner etc.

I’ve managed until now but payday is next week and I’ve barely anything. It isn’t unreasonable to ask DH to send some money over, is it?

For goodness sake...
Have a money conversation!
You need to know what your household income is and what your outgoings are.

We have a spreadsheet which goes back 15 years and we revise it every so often and adjust things. We pay all our bills into the joint account and leave the leftovers in our our own. I don't need to know his vinyl habit, he doesn't need to know my coffee buying.

Not necessarily, maybe his 25% left over is more than her 50% in terms of £.

if you both actually consider yourself true partners, you’d just pool all the earned income, pay all bills and children stuff from it, then split the remainder 50/50 into your own accounts for personal spends. Not complicated, and a proper acknowledgment that each person is contributing equally

I just think it's the summer holidays and it's a bit joyless to not buy the odd ice cream! If you can afford it obviously. Our summer holidays have been expensive and I've done very few big days out!

Currently being on mat leave I pay most of the kids stuff from my account and DH covers everything else (so I don't pay into the main pot). I actually paid for a lot of summer stuff when I was still earning my full wage like workshops and summer camp days.

Obviously YANBU though

I don't think it is beside the point necessarily because she's not asking for advice on the decision of their income I was just saying it's possible that she's better off if she's only paying for the children. I think she should definitely ask him for more as I said in a previous comment he should be providing for his children but she seems adamant that their current division works for her.

Sorry to be blunt OP, but I think the way you do finances is absolutely ridiculous. Of course this type of situation will arise - because you have created it!

It's very sad that you need to post on here to ask if you're being unreasonable to ask your own DH for money. Says it all really. He is supposed to be your husband fgs!

The utter shite some women are conditioned to think is normal never ceases to depress me.

Dh and I sit down on a Sunday evening for a check in: compare schedules, chat about anything upcoming, make decisions, and for the last year and a bit we’ve made an effort to incorporate a low key chat about money too.

It took us both a while to get the hang of talking about it - we both have awkward histories, but the more we did, the easier and more natural it’s become. We share finances, but tend to be (largely) responsible for different areas of spending. And it’s easy to become a bit out of touch with rising costs when you’re not the one dealing directly with them.

We only started tracking all of our money in a single spreadsheet 8 months ago - all income, investments, savings, interest, borrowings and spending - and it’s very, very helpful. It’s eliminated the awkwardness we had before, because we’re looking at figures now and it’s just obvious when we need to allocate it differently.

Even with separate finances, it might make sense to create some sort of system where you can both see the whole picture. We have watched a widowed dp struggle after the death of a partner who “took care of those things” and were motivated to make sure we both have knowledge of and access to all accounts, passwords etc. just in case. Even if you want to keep part of your finances private, it might be worth tracking the household part.

YANBU, OP.

I guess the question I have is do you anticipate resistance from him? Because I can’t imagine that if you thought he wouldn’t bat an eyelid that you’d ask here first.

My DH and I have separate finances in that he pays all the bills and I send him a chunk (proportionate to my much lower income) towards them every month. The three children who live with us are mine, not his, although we’ve been together since the youngest was 18m. If I needed more money for them he wouldn’t even question it, unless it was going to be unaffordable - that would lead us to review all our outgoings rather than him questioning my rationale in feeling like I needed more money for the children

Me and my husband don’t have joint accounts. He pays the bills and I sort the kids. Although I dropped to part time to look after the kids, he gives me money every week just to top up my wages. Although if I was paying for everything over summer I would just say to him I’ve over spent can you top me up a bit please and he’ll send money over straight away. I would say just ask. If he is short himself he’ll say no but if he’s not he’ll transfer it to you, I’m sure xx

It would be extremely unreasonable NOT to ask him and it's even more so unreasonable that he's not automatically offered!

Do you know what your DH's take home pay is and the amounts of all his outgoings, mortgage, bills etc? Do you know how much he saves and how much disposable income he has?

You are not being unreasonable to tell him that you have spent more than expected keeping the kids entertained and fed during the holidays and asking him if can transfer some money to you.

I'm surprised that you seem embarrassed about asking him and worried that you have overspent. Will he be annoyed?

Mostly it’s fine it’s just obviously with it being summer it means they are with me all the time

Why obviously? Do you both work? Why is he still working and you are obviously entertaining them?

That was the situation for us with small kids because I was a teacher and had the summers off, but we have a joint bank account so there was no issue. It would have been unreasonable for me to have to cough up for all summer expenses.

I know you don't want a joint account but could you both have access to, and pay proportionally into, a "kids" account (not for them but for stuff for them). It could cover their clothes, uniforms, trips out, school payments, hobbies and activities etc. You shouldn't even have to ask, surely it is common sense he needs to either pay for childcare or for you to take them somewhere fun - it's not rocket science, it happens every year!
I do also think this system sets you up for failure, when they're teenagers and school trips are hundreds, or they need new clothes and the bill is hundreds, or they need gcse tutoring, or university support, or driving lessons or car insurance - it makes no sense for just 1 of you to cover the entire cost when the individual items will be so high. At least make sure there's some joint savings to cover support for the kids at uni or to buy a home or car or similar....

Why should he pay for his own kids? Surely you had them, you pay for them?

I am being sarcastic, of course. But you seem to think he is doing you a favour.

Being married means you shouldn't be afraid of this sort of conversation. I'm shocked the amount of people that get married but are too worried to discuss things like finances, the ability to do that should come before the nuptials.

And no, of course it's not unreasonable. They're his kids too. Talk to him asap!

Sorry is this even a relationship let alone a marriage? Who’s actually benefiting from this ‘marriage’? Of course you’re not being unreasonable!!

If you don’t want a joint account why not create a separate joint account both of you pay into?. This account then pays for groceries, kids outings etc and when it needs to be topped up both put some more in.

These types of set ups and posts honestly do my head in. You’re a committed couple with children together. Just put all of your money into one joint account, then have separate accounts for your own fun money, ideally with the same amounts that you transfer to each month. decide what this is for - gym memberships, hairdressers, clothes, presents etc. Then everything else to do with house, bills, cars, kids etc. comes out of joint.
Sod who earns more, percentages, one paying for x and the other paying for y. You’re a family. You’re both earning, caring for children, running a home. It’s irrelevant who earns more in your situation. You should pool finances.
People keep saying it because they’re right and your way of doing it is stupid. As evidenced by the fact you’re stressing about asking your husband for money to take your kids to the park.

I am a SAHM and carer with 3 children, my husband gives me a card for school holidays because he knows from looking after the children himself that they need entertaining and sometimes an ice cream or drink.
He must know that having the children home costs extra, he is taking the piss to leave it all to you, YANBU.

Because a lot of the people on here think that once your married everything should go in one pot and it baffles me. If your happy how your finances work then keep it how it is of you need extra to cover the holidays just ask him. If he's says no and can give a reasonable answer as to why he can't so be it if he says no and can't give a reasonable answer that's different.

My partner and I put the same amount into a bills account each month, everything is split down the middle he earns more than me and I like it this way (nobody else's business and if you don't understand it understand I don't care and I don't understand why you do your finances in one pot) I do know if I'm short anytime he will give me some money I also have a credit card on his account

You don’t seem to want to take on board the advice.

you both need to go through the household expenses and see how much everything is actually costing. Go through all the direct debits. Are you paying for things you know longer use? My husband paid £7 for mobile phone insurance for about 12 years as he didn’t check his DD. Just didn’t notice it til we went through everything.

stop buying ice creams. You can’t afford them and have to say no. Your kids will survive and if they whine then teach them how to deal with disappointment.

you need to make a plan as prices have increased so you need to make changes.

This is not how our joint account work. We stick a percentage of our wages into the account each month, say 60% of net pay, whatever is needed to cover the monthly outgoings. You don’t need to work out your percentage of each bill that lands. That would be a complete waste of time.

We have separate accounts too and run our finances the same as you, and it works really well. Probably in my favour actually. He pays for everything house related, plus all of the groceries, holidays and the more expensive kids clubs. I pay for everyday kid stuff, clothes, and a few cheaper kids clubs (plus my own bills). I've bought extra craft bits for the summer holidays, taken them on a few days out, bought nicer food for when friends have been round. DH transferred me a chunk of money to last until the end of summer. It's really not a big deal in the slightest.

They are also his children. This is madness!

Sorry, your husband benevolently dishes out a card specially for school holidays? Does he take it back in term time then? Or somehow prevent you having/using it at other times?

I honestly couldn't bear the idea of having to go cap in hand to please sir ask for money anytime I ran out. If I was a mother and we had agreed I would give up my career and independent income solely to raise our children, I would fully expect shared, equal access to his income in return. Not an allowance or special school holidays card or any kind of gatekeeping on his part.

You don't want to have a joint account.
You don't want to ask your DH for money.
You don't want to say no to icecreams.

I don't think there are any other options.