To ask DH to contribute some money for summer

[snailandwhale25]

DH and I do have separate finances which I know isn’t for everybody but it’s just how we do things. He earns a lot more but in fairness pays for a lot more as well.

We have two children and I seem to be haemorrhaging money this summer. It isn’t even expensive days out, even things like a trip to the park once you’ve factored in parking and ice creams can leave not much change from £20. Plus because I’m with them in the one buying eg sun cream, snacks, groceries so we have food for dinner etc.

I’ve managed until now but payday is next week and I’ve barely anything. It isn’t unreasonable to ask DH to send some money over, is it?

I used to do this but I always felt uncomfortable asking for money in the holidays when I ran out.

So we have a joint account now for house and kids spending. He puts in some, I put in (significantly less due to difference in income). I use that for any holiday activities or stuff for the house.

Whatever I earn is my spending money for whatever I want. I personally don't like spending on myself unless it's money I've personally earned. It's a pride thing.

I'm happy with that as my husband covers all bills, food and fuel.

A joint account is just one way of managing this.

It's clear that OP and her DH are sufficiently affluent that they normally don't have to think about money too much to live their chosen lifestyle.
At some point it sounds like they had a conversation where they agreed that DH would cover mortgage and bills and OP would cover the children's things and they were both happy that this was reasonable within the realms of what they earned and what money this left them with.

It also sounds like OP (not sure about DH) is not really interested in budgeting. When it came to the summer holidays she simply thought "oh well, I'm saving on childcare and other activities that aren't running, so I can spend the money I would normally spend on those on days out". As she normally does, she's spent what she wanted without really budgeting and consequently has run out of money.

What's unclear is whether

1. The split of payments is unfair (taken across the year) OR
2. OP is simply bad at budgeting and should have put aside money for August across the year and/or spent less

As a one off, the answer probably just is for OP to say to DH that she needs more money for the summer. As longer term, she should consider whether she is in situation (1) or (2). They don't need a joint account but they do need an idea of how much money they spend as a family. But it seems they've both liked not having to think about this and it's a shock now to realise that they are not so well off that they do need to think about it.

I honestly couldn’t live like that. My husband has always earned more than me. I was a ta so you guess the salary there -peanuts. I’ve had to give up work due to ill health. My husband supports me. It’s our money. Everything. We have been married 30 years though. Our parents had everything joint (both sets) and we just did the same.

Of course not!! Why are you carrying so much financial burden for the family if he earns significantly more than you? Whatever he earns is a shared asset - if sounds like he's ring-fencing money in order tk put you in the position of having to ask for it. This is financial bullying.

Have seperste finances but have a special seperste bank for children stuff eg monzo or starling one with a pot for summer you contribute say 20 to per month and him 40
Another pot for Christmas ,bdsys again you both add to it but proportional.
Both have a card and access to it

No more asking for money .

As long as I live, I will never understand not having joint bank accounts

Surprised you've spent a months worth of nursery fees on days out and ice creams with young kids.

As you are clearly unwilling to do a joint account or even a budget (wild IMO given it sounds like things are quite tight for your family) then you've clearly overspent and need to rein it in massively and not make it DH's problem.

Same.

Summer 🏡 holidays are hard. Even free stuff has travel costs or ice cream costs. A 99 isn't 6d anymore!

Daycare/summer camp can be as much as £50 a day. Your requests are not unreasonable. Don't ask him. Tell him.

Man-hater alert. Who says she is carrying so much financial burden? If he’s paying the mortgage, utilities, the car, etc and she’s contributing nothing to those. then he’s the one carrying the burden and OP is living beyond their combined means. You certainly can’t (unless you are a MN man-hater, of course) say there is any financial bullying going on.

That’s the obvious conclusion (per @redskydelight ‘s post ops above). But to the man-hater…

My DH and I keep finances separate and have our own accounts. DH earns triple what I do and also pays for a lot more and puts more in. We both have a joint account for the mortgage, shopping and bills etc and a joint savings account for holidays, kids and everything else. We both contribute a percentage of our wage each month and it goes between both joint accounts. In the case of any of us falling short for whatever reason we’ve used our savings. I’ve fallen short before due to a bad month of not planning properly and have full access to both our joint accounts.

You don't need a joint account. Just tell him you need money and how much. You are a couple with kids not teenagers having fun. It doesn't work that one has everything and one is left with nothing. You are his wife and these are his kids. Fulstop.

Could you say @snailandwhale25 'wow that washing machine bill has wiped out the kids holiday spends! Would you be ok to send £100 for the kids pocket money this month please?

Did you read all of her posts? She really only pays for the children's expenses and food and he pays for everything else. Without knowing the exact numbers, we don't know that she's carrying "so much of the financial burden." She also says that she's fine with their set up the way that it is.

@snailandwhale25 get a joint Family Account for weekends/trips all year and summer holidays. Agree you both put in X amount and then top up as needed. Set a wee budget if it would work

Additional costs in the summer requires more money. He should pay this. How you manage your finances between you is irrelevant. You should be able to communicate about money though.

"Ring-fencing money" is totally normal with budgets; lots of people get X amount put through for bills and expenses, then save the remainder. It might go to a pension, savings account, holiday, or whatever. Joint accounts isn't necessary, but agreeing to spend extra money is absolutely necessary if the family can't afford the discretionary spend on ice creams etc. We may withdraw long term savings if we overspend on holiday, or we might tighten our belts for the final week; people don't need to be down to the last penny before deciding the kids can have a homemade snack and free park walk instead of ice cream at the theme park. The issue here is not "bullying" but "ostriching"; OP refuses to find out how much their lifestyle costs and refuses to discuss money with her DH. Nobody knows if the DH is knee deep in debt here or carefully saving for the family, while he has no idea that OP is frittering away thousands on daft treats for the kids. Suggesting he must be able to simply open up a magical wallet and hand out cash for all OP's whims is horribly naive to the reality of how to run a household budget.

Why is this even a question? Just tell your husband you need money to care for his children.

I'm in exactly the same situation. I know exactly how you feel.

Posters are advising you to pay a percentage of the all goods and mortgage so that if anything happened in the future there is a record of you paying your part in your family life, not ice-creams and other essentials for his children. If it works out the same why not, it is know as security, both for you and your DC.
Is your name on the mortgage?

You don’t need a budget or to work out how much everything is and split it.

You just put all the money in 1 account.

Then you agree that £350 pm or whatever goes to each person’s fun money account.

All bills and spending for house / kids / family come out of big joint account.

anything for you comes out of your account.

So much fairer and easier than this ‘I pay for xyz he pays for abc then I need more money so he transfers it’ nonsense

We put all money in a joint account and have the same amount of ‘fun’ money. This means that whoever earns more (and this has varied from time to time) doesn’t have more personal money. It just seems fairer to us.

This!

You need some sort of kids' and house expenses account. Then he can actually see how much they're costing.

The 'secondary' parent often has no idea how much these costs add up!

Does he have a credit card? He can get a second card in your name.

Two kids, one of whom is nursery age but has no nursery expenses for a few months, do not need to cost more in day trips than the mortgage, household bills and food. Certainly not so much that the parent paying ask the household costs needs to contribute half of the day out money too!

It's like some of you live on a different planet, or at least come from the distant past where the little woman at home just popped a hand out to the big man like a child. Have you really never earned your own money and taken any responsibility for the budget? It's disgraceful for grown adults to be so pathetic.