To ask DH to contribute some money for summer

[snailandwhale25]

DH and I do have separate finances which I know isn’t for everybody but it’s just how we do things. He earns a lot more but in fairness pays for a lot more as well.

We have two children and I seem to be haemorrhaging money this summer. It isn’t even expensive days out, even things like a trip to the park once you’ve factored in parking and ice creams can leave not much change from £20. Plus because I’m with them in the one buying eg sun cream, snacks, groceries so we have food for dinner etc.

I’ve managed until now but payday is next week and I’ve barely anything. It isn’t unreasonable to ask DH to send some money over, is it?

Why? That’s exactly how it works in our household. That being said, I have no qualms in asking OH for money towards something specific , and 90% of the time I don’t even have to ask. If i just casually mention something like I bought theatre tickets or that we went to the hairdressers he just transfers some money over whether I need it or not.

What I’m not sure yet is if OP made the thread because of her own hang ups around money or because of her husband’s attitude towards money/her spending. Hopefully she’ll be back to clarify.

initially I thought yes he should pay. But when you said you don’t budget I wonder if he is not giving you more because he has already spent what he has.

How does it run out? Our wages go into a joint account and we both spend from it. Simples.

This is more about the thought processes rather than the logistics of how.

a true partnership is where you adhere to your vows of ‘what’s mine is yours’ . If you both believe that, then it doesn’t really matter if you have a joint point/%s/one pays off the others credit card/whatever. It’s more the thought that it doesn’t matter.

but the ops situation seems to be that they both seem to think her husband should have more fun money because he earns more. Without considering that she’s doing more of the unpaid work. That is the problem, not the actual logistics of how you best split it all.

I think having separate accounts are great, but if you have kids then there needs to be a joint account too.

You say you don’t want to faff around working out percentages etc but surely it’s worse having to come on here asking whether it’s ok for your own DH to give you some money for his kids.

Have a joint account that each month you both put in e.g. 80% of your wages.

All the bills and child expenses come out of the joint account and you each have your own 20% to spend/save as you please.

OP please tell me if I'm wrong but I think your actual question is "I've been spending £20 a day on ice-creams and fun days out and now I'm short - is this a reasonable expense that would justify me asking DH to top me up, or do I need to recalibrate my idea of how much school holidays 'should' cost and budget better?"

(As presumably, if you had spent £200 on, say, unavoidable emergency healthcare costs, you would not feel unsure, right?)

If this is the case I'll make two points:

• I've just finished a year of mat leave and easily spent that much or more nearly every day, it's not that hard when one coffee costs £4+ let alone any food, admissions costs, parking, tube fares etc. With that said it's definitely possible to bring the costs down if you do things like packed lunches and coffee in a flask from home, go for walks in the local park etc. So it's a variable cost that could be significantly reduced, even if I wouldn't say it's entirely frivolous.

• Your core problem (as I see it) is less about having a joint account and more about visibility that can inform decision-making. If your DH is really short because of the broken appliances, medical bills etc, then it IS frivolous for you to spend £20 on ice-cream. If he's comfortably saving even despite that, then it's not frivolous and I'm sure the DC enjoy the ice-cream! In other words you lack the info you need to figure out how much you need to control your variable spends.

A joint account solves this by default because you can see the balance, but it's also solvable by just asking "hey honey how are we going on finances, I'm finding my summer hols run rate is a bit steep, do I need to tone it down or can you cover me?"

You could also look into adding each other's bank accounts as read-only connected accounts so you can see how much is in each one in real time. I do this with my personal accounts and joint one.

It isn’t unreasonable to ask DH to send some money over, is it?

Why are you actually asking us?

Oh hang on, I now know. It's a very interesting first thread 😄

A few people have mentioned that approach @Cucy, but it doesn’t seem fair to me. It leaves the lower earner with less fun money. I would advocate for equal fun money.

This sounds harsh, but how are women still entering into these financial situations? How can you have had children with someone and not be able to have these conversations? If he is financially abusing you that is one thing, but we see these threads often and I just think it’s wild. Sorry if that’s victim blaming, but I know many strong, confident and successful women who don’t earn enough as their partners and just accept having less money because they financially contribute unbalanced amounts to their families.

I know you said no more talk about joint accounts but I wanted to mention how we run ours, which is all money is pooled and an equal amount of personal spending money is allocated to each of you. So there's no 70/30 etc.

You should both have an idea of what your short and long term savings are ,(if any) so you'd know if the big purchases sent you both over the edge and you have to tighten the purse strings.

Why haven't you set a budget aside for summer?

But honestly he should already know it and probably dies but because youve not said anything he's not saud anything. Its a shitty behaviour. Like men tell us if they can get away with it they will.

So talk to him. Get a clear budget. He now needs to cover what you've already spent not just contribute from now on.

Yes that’s true but it also means the higher earner contributes a lot more.

I guess it’s becomes a bigger issue if there is a bigger difference between both salaries.

You can take ice lollies with you....put them in a flask with ice cubes they will last an hour or more and limit buying out to one a week.....but obviously it's fine to expect him to contribute more in holidays.

Fair enough you don't want a joint account. However i find it odd you are married with a family and can't discuss finances? It should surely be a simple conversation - here's how much summer has cost this needs to be a shared expense. Is your partner the saver and you are embarrassed to bring it up or total how much you have frittered? Summer hols are expensive and you really do need a budget for them theres extra food, activities, days out plus if you have school age kids the cost of new uniform, shoes etc

Food is very expensive. He should be financing this, not you.

Ask him for money for the reasons you've outlined. No you shouldn't be shouldering the entire cost for entertaining your children over the summer. And you definitely don't need to justify having separate accounts in the first place.

But you only have to do this once. It's not a big job. Just add up all the joint expenses.

I'd spend far more time thinking about money if I didn't have a proper budget. Did you not start the summer with an idea of how much you had to spend on days out etc? How have you then ended up spending more?

Hey op a joint account for these things would be more beneficial he can still put the same amount in as he does now but if anything serious ever happened to him you would have no access to his account. We have both and as long as the bills are paid that’s the main thing are you involved in any of the bills if you needed to change anything or contact people if something happened to him where he could not do anything himself?

I hate the thought of having to ask for money! You need to budget for the summer holidays and make sure your DH puts money into the account in proportion to his wages.

If he earns 10k per month and pays the £3k bills and you earn 2k per month and pay the £1500 nursery and £500 clothes etc (figures used for ease of reference). You are the one losing out as your DH has 7k left over and you’re scrambling around arguing with the kids over how many ice creams they can have.

You don’t need a joint account (that would make life easier but if you have a particular aversion to it then so be it) but you need to have more clarity on your finances as a married couple.

We have our individual accounts and we share an account for bills and outgoings. We both direct debit our share according to our salary. It’s so much easier!

me and DP have separate finances, always have done, works for us too. We are 21 years in, He pays for a lot, as he works more hours and I only work part time as to care for DS. If I need any extra help gives it to me no questions asked. I’m sure he won’t have an issue to contribute.

If I didn't have a joint account would be billing my DH for the childcare and household management I provide in that scenario and at the hourly rate of where I would be at in my career if I hadn't facilitated his.

How come you are the one sorting the DC over the holidays? I always wonder why childcare costs, children’s clothing, toys etc usually come out of mum’s pocket. Makes them the default parent, so much better for dad to pay some of those costs.

The logical answer is a joint account for shared expenses - household and kids. Decide what is a fair amount for each person and pay it in.

Personally I don't like the set up of the higher earner paying for the mortgage and bills aka important and the lower earner 'just' paying for kids' clothes, food, childcare - which could easily be more! I think it should be pooled regardless of the proportion so that both are contributing to everything. I suppose it makes no difference but to me it minimises the contribution of the lower earner as being less important and non essential. That's just me though - I know friends happy with that set up.

Since you don't want that, the other option is to keep track of how much you spend and tell him you need ££ more. You could even use the splitwise app or similar so you can just add the numbers quickly every day if it's a struggle to keep track.

I don't think there is another way really. You will just feel resentment if you think you are paying more than your fair share - and if you don't keep track, there is no way of knowing.

But of course you can ask him - just say it's costing more than you'd thought and can you have another £.

While paying half of the mortgage and all the other bills …right?