To ask DH to contribute some money for summer

[snailandwhale25]

DH and I do have separate finances which I know isn’t for everybody but it’s just how we do things. He earns a lot more but in fairness pays for a lot more as well.

We have two children and I seem to be haemorrhaging money this summer. It isn’t even expensive days out, even things like a trip to the park once you’ve factored in parking and ice creams can leave not much change from £20. Plus because I’m with them in the one buying eg sun cream, snacks, groceries so we have food for dinner etc.

I’ve managed until now but payday is next week and I’ve barely anything. It isn’t unreasonable to ask DH to send some money over, is it?

But do you know whether his costs are less than yours?

You say you had to pay for the washing machine and private medical treatment.

What else has made you go over budget? Is it that you are simply struggling to budget as not used to it or you have gone in with lots of fun stuff at the start of the holidays and now realised you don't have money to last?

Yes he pays for the mortgage, but that benefits him too, just like you paying for the children. Both things are shared, it isn't a this is mine and this is yours situation.

I think this month I am @Wishimaywishimight but mostly I’m not. And as much as I’ve had a more expensive month than normal so has DH, so … it’s swings and roundabouts really. I am confident that I’m not being financially abused, I’m just doing what’s easiest for me!

I think that was in response to a poster who said DH was not fathering his children.

If you don't think paying for them to have a roof over their head etc is part of being a father, than equally neither does paying for icecream and parking for days out.

We have always had joint accounts but when the DCs were young we split it like you do. She wages went into one account and as he had a much larger income he paid for the mortgage and all the bills. My wage went into another account and I paid for all the children's activities, clothes and my own personal spends etc. It all worked perfectly well. If I needed a little more I just had to ask and he would transfer it over. We are retired now and just have one pot of money which we access equally.

@snailandwhale25 you are missing the point on shares of what you pay. You wouldn’t be expected to pay half if you earn less.

Surely the fair way is (for example):
He earns £80k
You earn £20k
total household income £100k
share that you pay 20%, share that he pays 80%.

Its unfair to one or other of you if it is any different.

We're trying to figure out why you can't have this conversation with your husband. You don't want to slate him, you're not slating him, but we have to wonder why you aren't able to have an honest talk about money and set up a joint account to pool at least SOME of the marital resources.

Never mind what we want, what do you want? If it's some shared money, hardly unreasonable for a married couple with children, then you have to talk to him and yeah, go through the outgoings. Do a spreadsheet. Nobody enjoys it but it's important. If you want to be told that's not unreasonable, we are pretty unanimous.

Kids cost a small fortune over the holidays. Youre a married team so a joint account would take a lot of stress away from you. You shouldn't be struggling to make ends meet while your husband still has money in his account. Makes no sense at all for you not to pool your finances and have a personal allowance out of the joint account for fun money.

@snailandwhale25 Has he always kept you short of money???? this is ridiculous! everything has shot up in price, even ice cream and parking!! he needs to step up and share the love a bit more!!

I don't get it. Why does it being summer make them being obviously with you?

To be honest, it feels like you're sort of being willfully ignorant here. You don't want to spend your 'precious time' 'trawling' through bills. You 'don't think' your DH has a healthy bank balance but you presumably don't know.

Ok, that's your choice but it infantalises you. It puts you in a position where you don't know if you should be asking for more money. You end up asking for money like a kid would from their parents rather than having a grown up conversation about finances.

Im super confused by this post. Do you even know if he has any extra money? It sounds like it’s a total mystery to you. So if you’re running out by going over budget and he doesn’t have anything left either… then you just have to stop spending.

if he has hundreds or thousands left at the end of the month then he should absolutely be giving you some for the food you are eating as a family. And everything else your children need. But it all starts with some sort of conversation about money.

We had the same set up as you OP, separate finances. Just worked better for us. However I had no problem asking my husband if I needed a bit more.

Children are expensive. I'm not sure why you would think it's unreasonable to ask for a contribution for the costs from their father. Either be can afford it, or he can't. If he can, he should be happy to send some money over. It seems to be a pattern where women end up paying for all kids expenses and impoverish themselves in the process but that's ok because their higher earnings partner pays a higher share of the bills overall.

Scared to ask your DH for money for you and the children? This working for you is it?

I understand that you have separate accounts, pay for different things, and that you want to keep it that way (I have a good friend and a sibling who also do this). But do you have any kind of financial transparency? You seem to know (August excepted) how much money you have and spend within that; do you know how much income he has and how the bills stack up against that usually (broken washing machine aside)? Do either of you have any savings? Do you know what you're putting into pensions? If your dh has had a more expensive month too, do you know whether he even has any extra cash to give you?

It's the overall big picture, not the detail of what goes into or comes out of each account, that is important for me. Before dp and I had joint finances we knew the approximate incomes and expenditures for ourselves and each other, but I also knew that he had some savings. It gave me peace of mind for a rainy day. When the mortgage rates / utilities go up, do you know by how much and do you know whwether that is largely matched by any salary increase for him? If food prices rise again, can you still afford that?

In future years can you budget in advance for the holidays, so you don't feel that you have to ask for money.

You are misunderstanding everyone’s motives.

they are trying to help you.

there is a possibility that you are being abused, and a few things you have said just casually are quite worrying. It seems like you both think he’s kind of ‘in charge’ and you’re subservient to him, rather than being equals. You also seem ti think that you aren’t entitled to his disposable income, whereas of course you are since you are currently doing the childcare of your joint children.

you seem to be pretending to yourself that a joint account is in some way complicated, which of course it needn’t be.

posters are trying to draw out some info from you.

You have a choice between not spending as much or asking him for more money.

I assume he thinks you're wasting money if you're short?

I'd personally save cash by not paying over the odds for ice cream but equally I can talk about anything with my DH.

It's no way to live being this worried by a perfectly normal conversation.

The only answer for this is a joint account, as you won't do it, it will always be complicated.

DH and I do have separate finances which I know isn’t for everybody but it’s just how we do things
Well, clearly it doesn't work!

The fairest way is to split is based on % of earnings. Why don't you do that?

I can't understand how anyone lives like this. Sorry OP. You're married and these aren't unreasonably extravagant costs. He should be coughing up...

We have a similar set up, so no judgement here. My choice in fact, as I’m a saver and he isn’t.

Some questions:

When you tell him we did x , we went to y place etc. does he ever offer to pitch it/just sends you money? Or just to treat yourself without worrying about the budget?

What happens if you mention you’re broke/not a lot of money left? Does he transfer you money or do you have to actively ask for it?

Have you had to ask before? What happened? How did he react?

To answer your actual question, no you’re not unreasonable to ask him to contribute to the kids’ entertainment/food over the summer.

I mean, to be fair, we don't know what percentage the "kid" stuff is of her salary. If he's paying all the bills, and those bills represent 75% of his salary, and she's paying all of the children's expenses and those represent 50% of her salary then she's still coming off better isn't she?

Technically it doesn’t work for me this month BUT(and it’s a big but) I’ve spent £400 in two days , which is not a normal thing , and I have a few other big expenses coming up before pay day(about 2/300) , so he’s going to pay for half of that. This is not a normal month to month thing though, and about 10 months of the year I actually put a similar amount in savings. MY savings.

This is beside the point. They're married, have kids together but she can't talk to him about money and also can't explain why not. A lot of people over the years have said that they have totally separate finances with their spouses, who are their life partners, the loves of their lives and their co parents and insist this works really well, so ok. But you do need to be able to talk honestly and openly about money with your life partner and co parent and for some reason she can't.

It's not about who comes off better in the marriage ledger. It's about proper partnership.