To ask DH to contribute some money for summer

[snailandwhale25]

DH and I do have separate finances which I know isn’t for everybody but it’s just how we do things. He earns a lot more but in fairness pays for a lot more as well.

We have two children and I seem to be haemorrhaging money this summer. It isn’t even expensive days out, even things like a trip to the park once you’ve factored in parking and ice creams can leave not much change from £20. Plus because I’m with them in the one buying eg sun cream, snacks, groceries so we have food for dinner etc.

I’ve managed until now but payday is next week and I’ve barely anything. It isn’t unreasonable to ask DH to send some money over, is it?

You have nothing left at payday OP.

How much does your husband have left at payday?

Have you seen his payslips?

Do you know what he does with the money he has left each month after paying "his" bills?

It seems absolutely crazy to me that one half of a married couple is totally skint at the end of the month after paying children's expenses, and the other has money spare. How is that fair?

Living in penury all summer scared to ask DH for more….please is not a marriage.

Jesus some people’s relationships astound me. Imagine thinking it’s normal to need to ask strangers if it’s ok to ‘ask’ your husband for money for his children.

This set-up sounds crazy. I get the impression that your DH is the one most opposed to a joint account. His money should be yours and the kids' money too. I've never understood people who live like this.

I wouldn't like fully joint accounts either but what me and DH do is each put 75% of our income into a joint account - this covers all bills plus joint savings / holidays etc. We then each have 25% of our salaries for personal spending. Our salaries are similar so this is fair.

If your DH earns double what you do then he contributes accordingly.

All this faffing about, "asking" for extra money etc is bonkers in my view, more hassle than it's worth especially for you who is left penniless at the end of the month! I bet DH isn't left on the bones of his arse by payday!

Not everyone wants a joint amount but are you paying roughly equal proportions of your salary?

If you're happy with the way you split bills generally, was it just a case that you needed to budget more in advance for August? If you're saving on childcare, and presumably the activities that he children normally do, I wouldn't have thought you should be massively worse off (and you've presumably had this conundrum in other years)?

Whether it's reasonable to ask him for more kind of depends on my first question. He might take the view that you should have budgeted better/be doing more free/cheap activities if he doesn't have a lot either.

I was skimming OP posts before adding my own, and lo and behold...

As expected, OP pays for all the kid related stuff, not "D" H's problem. He deals with the house and stuff that actually impacts his life. Why is it always like that, eh?

Can I just say, as someone who is in a similar financial set up, people are jumping to conclusions regarding her husband - he isn’t necessarily spending happily on himself rather than split things fairly with the children’s expenses. Maybe he just genuinely hasn’t thought about it?
my partner happily spends money on things me and the children want/need - he’s much more cautious when it comes to him.

This.

While you both apparently don't want to look at the costs, it does seem unfair that you are left with no money while presumably he does. You haven't quite said where his money goes and whether he would even have the money to give you - because of your arrangement there is every possibility that he spends what he has in some way - the bills, then maybe a bit of money for himself, and he might then put the rest in savings that are fixed and no withdrawals allowed.

But why doesn't OP feel able to talk to him about it?

It doesn't sound like he is paying much more than you even though he earns much more? I'm the higher earner in our family so we split the bills but then I pay for all the activities, clothes, holidays, nursery fees and other extras. The way you are doing it will add up to you paying as much as he does but him not valuing it because its not the serious stuff.

We don't work out any percentages or spend any time thinking about money. We have one joint account which both salaries go into and everything comes out of. We trust each other to spend our shared money appropriately!

It's basically "AIBU to ask my husband to properly father his children?"

I know - I do acknowledge this is what a lot of people do and that’s great; it works for them different people do different things.

Well, yeah, not sure why she feels like she shouldn’t.
maybe this is the first summer holiday and she feels like she should be able to cover it herself, because she’s never had this issue before.
we did decide once our first was on the way that we’d keep things separate, each have the things that we cover, but also fully acknowledged that my wages were going to be much less than his due to me going part time and therefore I wouldn’t be asking for money - I’d be telling him what was needed, so it’s never been an issue with us.

But your current set up isn't working for you, or your children.

But what you're doing now isn't working for your family, well except for your husband who probably had an incredibly healthy looking bank account.

And - I do feel able to talk to him about it. But I’m feeling bad because I’ve gone way over my own budget for this summer; some of it’s been unavoidable but I’m sure some of it has. We’ve also had unexpected expenses like the washing machine breaking and needing to be replaced, having to pay for some private medical treatment, etc. So I don’t want to be unfair here to anyone, him or me.

DH does earn more than me but he also pays for more. Paying the mortgage that gives us a home is fathering his children. Paying the bills that allow that home to be heated (or fans to be on) and lit for them is fathering his children. It isn’t just paying for ice cream and activities. He does all that and that’s something I want to acknowledge. I’m not here to slate him.

We have no idea do we? And nor, apparently has OP (which is a problem she definitely should address).

For all we know he actually has less disposable income if you look at it across the year, and not just August. If he's paying rent/mortgage and bills, it's likely that his costs over the last year or so have gone up as well.

I don’t think DH has a healthy looking bank account. I am sure some people with very young children do; we are not one of them!

This is really odd.

Surely you know fixed costs like mortgage, bills, car costs and childcare?
Plus a sensible budget for food and kids leisure (increasing slightly for holidays).

Why would you not have a set amount each going into a joint account to cover that, plus a joint savings for annual bills?

Then your own accounts for personal spending and saving.
OR
flip it the other way, have all income going into the joint account then DDs going to household saving, investment saving and paying each of you some personal money.

I don’t really understand why that wouldn’t work 🤷🏽‍♀️

Paying the mortgage that gives us a home is fathering his children. Paying the bills that allow that home to be heated (or fans to be on) and lit for them is fathering his children.

I think this is a rather odd way to look at things to be honest (are these things he has said to you??). He also lives in the house that he pays the mortgage for surely? He also benefits from the heat and light in the house doesn't he? I would hardly call this "fathering" in any shape or form.

We’ve also had unexpected expenses like the washing machine breaking and needing to be replaced, having to pay for some private medical treatment, etc.

Fuck sake 🙄 You haven't gambled away the kid's summer holiday money - this is just normal shit. If I had to stop to think to ask for money to cover the kid's living costs from their own bloody father, I'd be doing it while packed my bags.

You don't "think" he had a healthy looking bank account but you don't actually know do you? And you admit that you have "barely anything" left until you get paid next week. Do you think he is looking at "barely anything" in his account? Well you really don't know either way it seems.

Not having a go at you, just trying to make you see that you appear to getting the short straw in this arrangement.

Yes … not really sure what I’ve said that suggests otherwise @Ilovemyshed

What I don’t want is to be paying ‘my’ percentage of the mortgage and bills and then the kids stuff as well, which is more variable. We could do it but I don’t want to, and I’m baffled as to why we’ve had four pages of posts about this when I’ve repeatedly said this isn’t something I want to do. What are people trying to achieve, just wear me down until I say I’ll do it and admit I’m wrong, or something?