Person I knew a long time ago wants us to give her son a bit of a holiday - would you?

[Rallentanda]

20+ years ago I knew a couple - my dh worked with her dh. We got along well, there was a whole gang of us, we were in our twenties and it was fun. We'd do holidays together in various combinations. Dinners at each other's houses, days out, normal friendship stuff.

Then we all hit our 30s and started having children, and as often happens, cracks started to show in our friendship. I found her to be a very smug mummy type. She'd say things that made me realise that she felt very superior to us on the whole. Her dh at this point got fired from his job. We'd realised a couple of years prior to that, that he was an awful person, and what we thought of as biting humour was just plain nastiness. Such is life, sometimes. Friendships wane.

They moved and we moved and we now live in different countries. Her dh hasn't been able to reliably hold down work, all his fault and she makes excuses for him. She and I have barely exchanged emails in the past 18 or so years, only a couple of messages as she realised we'd know the circumstances of his latest exit from his job; or a jokey line on Facebook.

Suddenly I get a message from her asking us to put up her dc - at a time of our convenience - for a few days in the autumn, as the dc is coming a long way and would love to be shown around the city.

I am kind of gobsmacked. I don't think IBU to say no. But I wondered if other people would do this?

One nice result from this thread is seeing how many of you had really good experiences with family friends - or more tenuous connections even! - when you were travelling. That gives me a warm glow.

I'm not doing it in this instance and it is because I don't like the parents. But I've decided that if other far-flung friends' kids need a place to stay then I won't hesitate.

This is the second thread I've read on here just today about long lost ex friends, (who weren't even very good friends at the time) wanting to turn up out of the blue on OP's doorstep.

At least you got an email. There was a third thread a few weeks ago when an entire family arrived at the old homestead completely unannounced, the husband claiming to be an old work collegue of OP's husband. They offered gifts of Lidl chocolate, a bottle of rosé wine and a half eaten punnet of strawberries.

It's either international freeloader season, last ditch before the meteorite hits hands across the water reconciliation before armageddon time, foreign spies taking over people's identities and invading by us stealth or Extra Terrestrial alien shapeshifters landing.

I'd probably say yes in real life because I'm a bit daft but on here I'm going to tell you something wishy washy like offering to help him find cheap accommodation somewhere local, look out for him and generally bottle it.

in this case? not a hope in hell. I'd do it for a long lost genuine friend. and yes I know he is not his parents.

I think this is a class thing....
Not necessarily different countries/cultures....

Sorry - I know I have skipped a few questions. The request was definitely for us, it was perfectly polite, but no it didn't acknowledge that it's a big ask given we have had very minimal contact across 2 decades. But then, I wouldn't expect someone trying out a bit of cheeky fuckery to put it like that!

As for our house, we don't really have room, but we could make it work with a bit of juggling things around. I think she just assumed we'd have space.

I would let them stay and I have let people I don't know but through mutual acquaintances stay many times before. But I like meeting new people and am happy to show them around. But if you don't want to do it and don't like meeting new people, then it is okay to say no too. I don't think asking makes them CFs or terrible people or whatever. People are just different, some would think this is fine, others not.

I would reply in case she doesn't get the hint and gets in touch again. A simple - no that's not possible - is enough.

how do you work that out?

excpet the OP knows what the parents are like and dislikes them for good reason.

Not after my last experience, no. Couldn’t get rid of the bugger, and I was expected to fund their life, social life, taxis, and pay for their onward tickets. So odd.

I’ve had friends of DC here though for temporary stays when things had gone a bit tits up for them and it has been fine. But they haven’t had ‘great expectations’.

I think some of us have been on Mumsnet too long!

I dont think its rude to ask, but equally not rude to say no. When I was 18, I moved to London and stayed with the son of my Grans friend for a couple of months until I found some flat mates. I had never met the son and barely knew my Grans friend. I didnt like living there for the short time I did, and the man was a bit odd, but if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have been able to take up the job opportunity I had in London at that time so im definitely greatful. If my child wanted/needed to spend time in a place where i had a connection, i wouldn't hesitate to ask no matter how much time had passed.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5392400-what-would-you-do-if-someone-you-met-on-holiday?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Here's the other uninvited guest thread from earlier today. I can't find the chocolate, wine and half eaten strawberries family right now, which is a shame because it was wonderful reading and a cautionary tale about what could happen if you say yes.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5379622-impostor-guests-our-3-night-emergency-guests-werent-who-they-said-they-were?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Here they are! The imposter guests.

Silly you. Are you even asking such a question?

CF.

I’m a big believer in altruism , we actually did host a teenager on their gap year through a loose connection and a week turned into a 2 months....
It probably wasn’t the teenagers fault (they were 18) but they just had zero awareness about offering help or a couple of quid for food and board etc and expected lifts etc , I think it was just total lack of awareness which is probably normal for some at that age.
I’m patient and very much into helping people out in life where I can but I’m also someone who has had a very difficult background and had to drag myself up and deal with a lot of stuff alone from around 16 so I found it a lot more difficult than I thought I would to deal with the selfishness and lack of awareness……
I also was 31 with 3 very small kids so probably wasn’t the best time to host , I’ve been given zero support all my own life .
There are serious CFs in the world , for some of my inlaws it’s a lifestyle choice , constantly asking to stay in people’s houses for their holidays, constantly looking for freebies, they ask directly putting people in very awkward situations. The only way to deal with them is directly. My sil actually said “oh we’ll send dc to you as he can learn ether language and enjoy learning about the culture we live in once he’s 15 “. She was literally acting as though it was a statement, not a request. I simply said , “nope , we have our own three teens and don’t want to host another and have extra responsibility”. The arrogance… almost like she was saying it in a “he’d love to go to you and you’d love it 😂😂😂😂

That might have been me many moons ago although my parents and the person whose home I decamped to were still speaking. My parents friend was much kinder than I deserved.

God yeah, cheeky fuckerism at it's finest. I cringe when I think about it.

I definitely wouldn't, what a mad woman! 😄😄

Wheres the lady who was asking for a 'cheeky fucker' thread, she should see your op!

Yanbu at all x

She’s a cheeky fucker. And her kid may have the same nasty behaviour barbed humour of the dad.

Ignore. Block and delete if necessary.

Oh please.

If you want to do this kind of thing, fine. I wouldn’t, for all the tea in China.

Im sure the OP would be happy to pass on your address.

there's s big difference between friends asking & ex friends.

This! Who cares what the parents are like. Make better connections.

Of course it's fine to say no. It's also fine to say yes.
I grew up in a house where my parents took in many people - distant relatives, friends of friends, even strangers - once they took in a teen mum who had nowhere to stay. I have fond memories of people drifting in and out of my life and meeting people from all over the world. And people hosted us everywhere too, when we travelled we stayed with people rather than in hotels. A friend of my mum's took in my brother for 6 weeks when he was 10 or 11, so he could go to school in their country. I'm glad I experienced that life.

There are organisations where you can offer a room to a visitor from elsewhere. I wonder if this might be a better approach for these people.