Person I knew a long time ago wants us to give her son a bit of a holiday - would you?

[Rallentanda]

20+ years ago I knew a couple - my dh worked with her dh. We got along well, there was a whole gang of us, we were in our twenties and it was fun. We'd do holidays together in various combinations. Dinners at each other's houses, days out, normal friendship stuff.

Then we all hit our 30s and started having children, and as often happens, cracks started to show in our friendship. I found her to be a very smug mummy type. She'd say things that made me realise that she felt very superior to us on the whole. Her dh at this point got fired from his job. We'd realised a couple of years prior to that, that he was an awful person, and what we thought of as biting humour was just plain nastiness. Such is life, sometimes. Friendships wane.

They moved and we moved and we now live in different countries. Her dh hasn't been able to reliably hold down work, all his fault and she makes excuses for him. She and I have barely exchanged emails in the past 18 or so years, only a couple of messages as she realised we'd know the circumstances of his latest exit from his job; or a jokey line on Facebook.

Suddenly I get a message from her asking us to put up her dc - at a time of our convenience - for a few days in the autumn, as the dc is coming a long way and would love to be shown around the city.

I am kind of gobsmacked. I don't think IBU to say no. But I wondered if other people would do this?

No definitely not. CF

@Pluvia "My concern would be that you sound disapproving and affronted, OP. It sounds as if you don't generally host. All those years and you are still full of resentment and disdain for your former friend. I'd love to hear her pov about how your relationship foundered. So if you can't park that negativity, say no to the son."

I AM disapproving and affronted! But I wouldn't have given it a thought, not now, 18+ years on, if I hadn't been given the task of working out whether or not I should show kindness and largesse to someone I haven't seen since he was a baby! Who would barely know who I am. And I find I don't want to.

Her pov and indeed mine don't really figure in the story (I only added it because I didn't want people saying 'but I would of course do that for a friend') - the nub of it is we are no longer friends and haven't been for approaching two decades, so it's cheeky fuckery no?

(PS I do host! People I like and love! Not too often admittedly as we live close.)

My circle is the same. I wouldn't think twice about doing this but it seems this isn't the cultural norm in the UK - perhaps because for some people money is tight, homes are small, etc.

My husband is American, so I tested this on him in case there is a bit of a culture clash. He says tell them to fuck off, so I guess there isn’t.

You need to be a bit wary when taking in complete strangers.

Many years ago when my exh's parents were still alive they were contacted, out of the blue, by two distant cousins from another country that the in-laws has a connection to saying that they were relations of xxx and asking if they could come and stay with my in-laws because they had business in their city.

This wasn't unusual in their culture and in due course the two men arrive and stayed for roughly a couple of weeks. No money was offered and in-laws provided them with breakfast and dinner every day of their stay.

Next time they had business in the city they came again; this went on once or twice a year for several years. No money was ever offered for food.

After they'd been coming for a couple of years they'd decided that they would only eat food prepared with absolutely no salt in it, a fact that they relayed to my MIL who was now, not only expected to feed them for nothing but to cook the food in the manner requested; this wasn't a case of cutting down on salt, every bit of the food had to be completely free of salt.

I think she did it a few times just to be hospitable but at some point they stopped coming. Whether it was because MIL had refuse to cater for them to their liking or their business folded I can't remember.

Some guests just aren't worth the trouble.

No. In fact, we’ve just said no to a European friend’s daughter who wanted to come and practise her English.

We live on the edges of a small town and would need to take this stranger everywhere. We often host friends/ overseas family and it’s costly and time consuming. Also, tbh, they’d have a much better time in a hostel with people their own age, not ancients like us.

Spend the money and don’t impose on others is my motto.

The son could be a psycho. Or have serious issues. It is a no from me.

The message could be a scam ?

I think it's fine to say no, but my parents moved in circles where this was a completely normal request. Cousins who spent whole summers over here passing between various parents' friends and relatives. I think it operated in a vaguely "pay it forward" kind of way - parents have probably hosted other friends' random offspring and now it is their "turn". It doesn't always need to be directly reciprocal, but it would open the door to a free holiday for your own DC in a future gap year.

So I would be a bit hesitant to judge it in isolation. Either way, no need for you to say yes.

My parents loved to put up waifs and strays and would also land themselves on other people. They never paid for accommodation anywhere. They always 'stayed with friends". My dad was forever saying to me stuff like Carmen/Pierre/Ingrid are desperate for you to come and stay with them in Madrid/Biarritz/Stockholm. I'd never met these people and my idea of holiday hell is staying with strangers who don't want you there. But...there is quite a culture of it among people who live and travel internationally. My nieces and nephews turn up at short notice with mates in tow, from all over the world. They just expect it and I don't mind. They are family. Though some of the mates take the piss.

😂🤣😂

Don't even bother replying

I did the same with my American husband. Same reaction.

I’m neither British, Irish or American, and it’s a no from me. The idea that the amorphous blob that Europeans become when it’s useful to make a blanket statement about us, would be uniformly welcome to such a request from former friends. is also pure fantasy.

I would do this, it's a nice thing to do for a young person and I remember people we barely knew putting me up when I was travelling abroad at that age. We've done similar for distant relatives from other countries.

Not a cat in hells chance I would do this. It's hard enough when family visit - all the slog of cleaning the house, changing sheets, cooking meals, bla bla bla. You'll end up paying for everything. Then when they ALL come over to England the next time you'll be asked to put them all up. Don't reply would be my advice.

I think it's changed. It was more common in the 80s when travel was more expensive. Now we have Travelodges, Premier Inns and AirBNBs everywhere, cheaper flights. Plus people are less likely to have a guest room. The second bedroom in my parents' house was always the guest room - children were in the single bedrooms and further down the pecking order.

I have to say, the same was done for me a few times - once by good friends of my parents but also by much more tenuous connections, including their friends’ friends! I stayed with three families in this way in South America. These were invaluable opportunities for me - each of the stays was only a few days long but in terms of impact for me, it was huge. Personally, I would consider it.

How has the request been made? Is it polite? Is it couched in such a way as to acknowledge that it’s been a long time and this would be a big favour? Is a time period suggested (I’d be wary of anything too long)?

Not a chance would I let a stranger stay in my home.

New Yorker. I wouldn't even respond and block them.

So have I! We've had young people stay from old or out of regular contact friends so they could attend open days at the nearby universities and for sporting events.

I wouldn't think twice if we had a bed spare. We've also had friends offer to have our young adults stay when they were travelling. It's pretty common in my experience.

My parents have done the same for Irish, Canadian, Australian and American friends. Then again, immigrants/expats tend to be pretty open to that.

It's fine to say no but I don't think it makes them CF to ask.

I think you should say no OP.

These are not people you are friends with any more - it’s seems very obvious that you don’t even like them.

They sound like people who see their friends as resources “in their back pocket”, so to speak , to be called upon when they want a favour. You’re under no obligation to give it.

Was the message actually intended for you or did they get the wrong person on their contact list?

I personally don't consider someone that's made no contact with me in multiple years a friend so I wouldn't want to do this.

No. I would direct them to a hostel if they can’t afford other accommodation.

I really want to hear more about this @SpringboksSocks!

I'm American and no way would I ask this. She is just an idiot.