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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Person I knew a long time ago wants us to give her son a bit of a holiday - would you?

260 replies

Rallentanda · 15/08/2025 14:27

20+ years ago I knew a couple - my dh worked with her dh. We got along well, there was a whole gang of us, we were in our twenties and it was fun. We'd do holidays together in various combinations. Dinners at each other's houses, days out, normal friendship stuff.

Then we all hit our 30s and started having children, and as often happens, cracks started to show in our friendship. I found her to be a very smug mummy type. She'd say things that made me realise that she felt very superior to us on the whole. Her dh at this point got fired from his job. We'd realised a couple of years prior to that, that he was an awful person, and what we thought of as biting humour was just plain nastiness. Such is life, sometimes. Friendships wane.

They moved and we moved and we now live in different countries. Her dh hasn't been able to reliably hold down work, all his fault and she makes excuses for him. She and I have barely exchanged emails in the past 18 or so years, only a couple of messages as she realised we'd know the circumstances of his latest exit from his job; or a jokey line on Facebook.

Suddenly I get a message from her asking us to put up her dc - at a time of our convenience - for a few days in the autumn, as the dc is coming a long way and would love to be shown around the city.

I am kind of gobsmacked. I don't think IBU to say no. But I wondered if other people would do this?

OP posts:
Lifestooshort6591 · 15/08/2025 15:20

I know people who would just say no can do, some would make an excuse, some would say alot worse. Don't know anyone who would say yes. Bizarre request from someone who is basically a stranger to you now.

BunniB · 15/08/2025 15:20

My dh family would do this. My own family would not. You would not be unreasonable to say it’s inconvenient.

Paganpentacle · 15/08/2025 15:23

Muffinmanfromdrurylane · 15/08/2025 14:32

I wouldn't even reply

Ditto

Inshockandsome · 15/08/2025 15:23

I wouldn’t have the time!

JDM625 · 15/08/2025 15:25

The options:

-Ignore email
-Reply 'I'd happily show him around and could meet him at his hotel' 😉
-Have a random strangers teen stay at your house for who knows what length of time and eating you out of house and home!

What teen would want to stay with their mum's old friend that they've never met??? Surely he'd want to be backpacking and meeting like minded and similar aged travel buddies??? Its also incredibly rude and entitled of the parents to even ask.

MounjaroMounjaro · 15/08/2025 15:26

I wouldn't reply because if I did, they would wish I hadn't.

Pluvia · 15/08/2025 15:26

Yes, we have hosted a number of young people over the years. We live somewhere where people pay a small fortune to come for a holiday and if people are travelling round or doing a gap year we can usually accommodate them for a couple of nights. I echo what @mondaytosunday says. When I was young several people very kindly put me up when I was travelling around and it's good to feel I can offer something in return. And I learn things from the youngsters.

My concern would be that you sound disapproving and affronted, OP. It sounds as if you don't generally host. All those years and you are still full of resentment and disdain for your former friend. I'd love to hear her pov about how your relationship foundered. So if you can't park that negativity, say no to the son.

And my advice to anyone offering accommodation is to be really clear about date of arrival and departure. 'You can stay for three nights, from Friday night through to Monday morning. I can take you to the station for between 9 and 10am on Monday morning.' I've been caught out by a couple of Australian guests who asked to stay for a couple of nights and then dug in for a couple of weeks.

mugglewump · 15/08/2025 15:26

It is cheeky but probably comes from the viewpoint of a parental concern for her child. You used to hang out in each other's places and she is hoping you still have that easy-going attitude. That said, you have never met her DC and, for many, it's stressful welcoming a complete stranger in to your home and a lot of extra work (making up beds, cooking meals, providing info on places, driving them around etc). I would just say sorry, we haven't got room for guests and are working very long hours so really not convenient, and leave it at that.

My sister has at times asked me to host 'randoms' (ie total strangers to me) and I always say no because we would not feel comfortable with it. That said, several of our old au pairs have asked to stay when visiting London with boyfriends and we have always said yes - because we know them.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 15/08/2025 15:27

Is your home area actually a tourist destination ? Do you think they are looking at the map of the UK and thinking Birmingham is merely a 5 minute hop to London? Or similar?

Generally I find spam folders to be super useful to lose these sorts of emails in.

Pluvia · 15/08/2025 15:29

mauvaiseherbe · 15/08/2025 15:09

“ the past is a foreign country - they do things differently there “

Show quote history

Oh, but according to loads of MNetters, the 70s and 80s and 90s, when people tended to host, were the good old days.

Doseofreality · 15/08/2025 15:29

I would reply with “Sorry, who is that?” And when they reply, messages back again with “Think you have the wrong number”.

Cherrysoup · 15/08/2025 15:35

My parents used to host foreign students, but of course they were paid. None stayed in touch after their time and it was expected that they’d be treated as part of the family. However, of course they wanted to be out and about with their mates in a very lively city. I think your friend must be aware that you’re no longer friends, so I find this a very cheeky request. Obviously it would be very convenient for the child to stay with you, but potentially awkward and inconvenient.

Pallisers · 15/08/2025 15:43

I'm in the US and have often had young people here on their J1s staying with me for a few days. They were either nephews/nieces or children of dear friends that I have remained close to - and their pals. Only for a couple of days. And always at my invitation - their parents never asked.

I'd just reply saying sorry that doesn't suit us.

MeridianB · 15/08/2025 15:45

You haven’t been in touch for years and years. And when you were ‘friends’ her and her DH were mean to you. That’s a good enough reason to ignore the message.

IME Americans are more open to hosting acquaintances but I totally agree with PPs that you know nothing about this boy and it could easily unravel or he could outstay his welcome. Plus you then have Mr & Mrs Smug-Rude back in your life. So a big no.

CuddingtonPark · 15/08/2025 15:47

If you do make contact tell her the cost of living in the Uk has gone through the roof and you need her to pay the equivalent of X hundreds of pounds per week. Exaggerate the amount to put her off (as tradesmen do when they don’t want a job) so that she realises the answer is NO. She’s treating you like a free hotel.

MeridianB · 15/08/2025 15:47

PS if you reply, even to decline, you simply open the door to them trying to persuade you to host and to staying in touch.

Noshadelamp · 15/08/2025 15:49

Do people even need showing around a city now with trip advisor, YouTube and travel blogs?
I'd be suspicious they actually want you to accommodate the DCs and possibly for an open ended amount of time!

NewBlueNoteBook · 15/08/2025 15:49

mondaytosunday · 15/08/2025 14:41

Well now. My parents moved to America and as their friends from England and Ireland had kids reaching 18 the summer before uni or taking a gap year and we were hit with several requests to put them up, sometimes for a few weeks. These would also be from friends of friends or distant cousins - people my parents may have had a very tenuous connection with.
But you know what? They usually said yes. Because they could remember venturing out at 18, thinking they knew everything but finding out actually the world can be big and lonely and a bit scary. Finding a friendly port in this storm was great. A few hot meals, a tour of the area, some words of encouragement and off the young person went, confidence somewhat restored and with the knowledge they’d made a connection.
So please do help out this young person and give them an introduction to your area. Show them a few sights, introduce them to people their age if you can, encourage them to get out on their own to explore. I bet years down the line they will remember your kindness and generosity and hopefully offer the same to the next generation.

Assuming that you are an adult Monday then this was a long time ago when you needed guidebooks and maps and working out public transport in foreign counties was difficult.

The world is much smaller now. These days travelling internationally is much much easier. Every 18 yo has piles of info at their fingertips to book accommodation, find tourist sites etc.

My DC travelled all over Europe quite happily without parental assistance, funding or support.

I will say OP in my experience American teenagers are rather younger than same age UK equivalents. I would expect that an American 18yo would expect much more support than a U.K. kid in the same circumstances.

I’d do it for a child I knew and a family I liked otherwise I’’d unfortunately be “busy”.

TakeMe2Insanity · 15/08/2025 15:51

I’d probably go with the line of you have a lot on and so could possibly meet him for lunch in the city one day (not dinner at your house do he can’t try and stay over).

Ceceprincess80 · 15/08/2025 15:52

That would be a no then

CoffeeCantata · 15/08/2025 15:53

Iris2020 · 15/08/2025 15:01

I will go against the trend. It's frequently done in my circle. Have done it often for old friends, friends of friends, distant relatives we'd never met.
Have been welcomed likewise.

Have often been asked to find families to host young people in the summer, although it's increasingly difficult.

It feels such a sad, self-centred world we live in.

Ignore this advice, and the cheeky request, OP!

You don’t like this family and there’s no need to let them back into your life.

They aren’t even long-lost friends - they’re long-lost unpleasant acquaintances.

NamechangeNightNurse · 15/08/2025 15:53

Iris2020 · 15/08/2025 15:01

I will go against the trend. It's frequently done in my circle. Have done it often for old friends, friends of friends, distant relatives we'd never met.
Have been welcomed likewise.

Have often been asked to find families to host young people in the summer, although it's increasingly difficult.

It feels such a sad, self-centred world we live in.

I knew someone would bring out the saaaad!

Do I want to host a strange person in my house
No
Am I sad about it
No

😂

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 15/08/2025 15:55

Someone who's barely been in your life for 20 years and who showed themselves to be twats?

Nah.
Fuck that.

I would reply though, you dont want their kid showing up on your doorstep.

A simple no thank you should suffice.

Toothpastestain · 15/08/2025 15:57

Definitely reply, in case they assume silence is a yes
Definitely say no that you can't help
Be very clear!

bert3400 · 15/08/2025 15:58

Definitely not, I have 2 teenagers staying with us at the moment, one I hadn't met, the other is my nephew (and Lovely) but Jesus they expect us to pay for everything, the mess they have made in their bedrooms is disgusting, I honestly can't wait till they go on Monday. My nephew is welcome but a stranger who I don't even know is really taking the piss. Think very carefully before you commit