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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Person I knew a long time ago wants us to give her son a bit of a holiday - would you?

260 replies

Rallentanda · 15/08/2025 14:27

20+ years ago I knew a couple - my dh worked with her dh. We got along well, there was a whole gang of us, we were in our twenties and it was fun. We'd do holidays together in various combinations. Dinners at each other's houses, days out, normal friendship stuff.

Then we all hit our 30s and started having children, and as often happens, cracks started to show in our friendship. I found her to be a very smug mummy type. She'd say things that made me realise that she felt very superior to us on the whole. Her dh at this point got fired from his job. We'd realised a couple of years prior to that, that he was an awful person, and what we thought of as biting humour was just plain nastiness. Such is life, sometimes. Friendships wane.

They moved and we moved and we now live in different countries. Her dh hasn't been able to reliably hold down work, all his fault and she makes excuses for him. She and I have barely exchanged emails in the past 18 or so years, only a couple of messages as she realised we'd know the circumstances of his latest exit from his job; or a jokey line on Facebook.

Suddenly I get a message from her asking us to put up her dc - at a time of our convenience - for a few days in the autumn, as the dc is coming a long way and would love to be shown around the city.

I am kind of gobsmacked. I don't think IBU to say no. But I wondered if other people would do this?

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 15/08/2025 14:57

Ugh, I hate these kind of requests. I had a friend from Australia whose cousin (who was 10 years younger than us and whom I'd never met) was backpacking and had turned up in the very expensive city where we lived with no money. He contacted me begging to let her stay and I said 'No'. DH and I were both working FT in our 30s and the last thing I wanted was a broke, Aussie 20-something in our guest room for a week. I knew exactly what my friend was expecting us to do - take her out every evening, show her a good time, pay for everything. Fuck that! My friendship with him never recovered, but at least he was a friend up until that point. Your CF ex-friend? Either ignore the request or say no, it's not convenient. But I promise if you say that they'll come back with 'Oh he'll be no trouble, bla bla bla'.

Judiezones · 15/08/2025 14:57

Reply with a short list of suitable hotels

MavisandHetty · 15/08/2025 14:57

Absolutely not. It's not really about the parents, even. You've no idea what this child (child? young adult?) is like! What if he's awfully behaved? Doesn't know how to be a house guest? Won't tell you if he's going out and ends up coming home at 2am drunk and vomiting? What if he never leaves your couch? Can't make himself breakfast and expects to be waited on hand and foot? You've no reason to put yourself through any of that.

PInkyStarfish · 15/08/2025 14:58

No, you don’t know him and would be inviting a stranger into your home.

TripTrapSnipSnap · 15/08/2025 14:59

XelaM · 15/08/2025 14:54

Your parents sound lovely and actually when I was 18 I had my grandparents' long-lost family connections put me up whilst I was doing some work experience in NYC.

My parents have also helped out several of my acquaintances when their kids wanted to study in Germany. One stayed with my parents while retaking his exams and one my parents helped put up at their house and the take to Frankfurt (they live in Dusseldorf miles away) when she just came over from the Uk as a student and had no one in Germany. She was my colleague's daughter and we weren't even close friends but friendly. My dad still fondly talks about it and how happy he is that she did so well at uni and is now settled in Germany.

Show quote history

Some people love doing these kinds of things, others don't. OP isn't that personality so she doesn't need to feel any obligation.

Yes there can be great value in being an open person and welcoming everyone in, or more extroverted and/or social. But it's not for everyone.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 15/08/2025 14:59

N O spells no.

Sorry, those dates aren't convenient for us.
I haven't told you the dates ...
My answer still stands.

Gibstub · 15/08/2025 15:00

Definitely not. Just ignore the request.

Iris2020 · 15/08/2025 15:01

I will go against the trend. It's frequently done in my circle. Have done it often for old friends, friends of friends, distant relatives we'd never met.
Have been welcomed likewise.

Have often been asked to find families to host young people in the summer, although it's increasingly difficult.

It feels such a sad, self-centred world we live in.

BensonSVU · 15/08/2025 15:02

cheeky cow

purplecorkheart · 15/08/2025 15:02

MavisandHetty · 15/08/2025 14:57

Absolutely not. It's not really about the parents, even. You've no idea what this child (child? young adult?) is like! What if he's awfully behaved? Doesn't know how to be a house guest? Won't tell you if he's going out and ends up coming home at 2am drunk and vomiting? What if he never leaves your couch? Can't make himself breakfast and expects to be waited on hand and foot? You've no reason to put yourself through any of that.

^^
This. For all you know he could be similar to his father.

Also this could result in the parents expecting you to host them for a few days the next time they are over.

Original poster
Rallentanda · 15/08/2025 15:02

MavisandHetty · 15/08/2025 14:57

Absolutely not. It's not really about the parents, even. You've no idea what this child (child? young adult?) is like! What if he's awfully behaved? Doesn't know how to be a house guest? Won't tell you if he's going out and ends up coming home at 2am drunk and vomiting? What if he never leaves your couch? Can't make himself breakfast and expects to be waited on hand and foot? You've no reason to put yourself through any of that.

I take your point, but for me it really is about the parents. I put up with so many barbs, and took them in good humour - it took a while for me to see that they are the sort of people who are just like that, and I was glad when we all moved on.

(Also as others have said, why would he want to come and stay with a couple of old fogeys? We could let him watch Fake or Fortune with us and maybe ask him to join us in our 7000-step walk around the local nature reserve.)

OP posts:
TripTrapSnipSnap · 15/08/2025 15:04

Iris2020 · 15/08/2025 15:01

I will go against the trend. It's frequently done in my circle. Have done it often for old friends, friends of friends, distant relatives we'd never met.
Have been welcomed likewise.

Have often been asked to find families to host young people in the summer, although it's increasingly difficult.

It feels such a sad, self-centred world we live in.

It definitely depends on the circle.

The reality is that the world is very different now and I can totally understand why many people wouldn't be thrilled at the idea of some random guy turning up and staying with them.

Bluebells44 · 15/08/2025 15:06

This would be a very normal thing for me to do and I wouldn’t mind it. But it sounds as if you don’t like them and don’t want to say yes, which is okay too.

TripTrapSnipSnap · 15/08/2025 15:08

They didn't treat you well so it is very cheeky and entitled of them to expect anything from you.

It's not his fault but you know, sometimes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree so there's that too.

SunDash · 15/08/2025 15:08

Could you just ignore...seeing as how you have no interest in rekindling the friendship.

maras2 · 15/08/2025 15:08

And the CF of the week award goes to ....................... 👋

childofthe607080s · 15/08/2025 15:09

Some people I would say yes to and others no and this sounds like a no situation

mauvaiseherbe · 15/08/2025 15:09

mondaytosunday · 15/08/2025 14:41

Well now. My parents moved to America and as their friends from England and Ireland had kids reaching 18 the summer before uni or taking a gap year and we were hit with several requests to put them up, sometimes for a few weeks. These would also be from friends of friends or distant cousins - people my parents may have had a very tenuous connection with.
But you know what? They usually said yes. Because they could remember venturing out at 18, thinking they knew everything but finding out actually the world can be big and lonely and a bit scary. Finding a friendly port in this storm was great. A few hot meals, a tour of the area, some words of encouragement and off the young person went, confidence somewhat restored and with the knowledge they’d made a connection.
So please do help out this young person and give them an introduction to your area. Show them a few sights, introduce them to people their age if you can, encourage them to get out on their own to explore. I bet years down the line they will remember your kindness and generosity and hopefully offer the same to the next generation.

“ the past is a foreign country - they do things differently there “

roses2 · 15/08/2025 15:10

purplecorkheart · 15/08/2025 15:02

^^
This. For all you know he could be similar to his father.

Also this could result in the parents expecting you to host them for a few days the next time they are over.

Show quote history

This is a good point. Like father like son.

Don't reply or if you do say you've moved to some remote village in the Shetlands.

LoyalMember · 15/08/2025 15:11

Of course, it's rude and entitled. Tell these Americans to do one, and find arrangements for their groin goblin elsewhere. The absolute f#cking cheek of some people...🙄

mauvaiseherbe · 15/08/2025 15:11

BensonSVU · 15/08/2025 15:02

cheeky cow

bring back the laughing emoji!

outerspacepotato · 15/08/2025 15:12

No. You're not close, you grew apart, she was kind of nasty to you. She expects you to not just put her kid up, but show him around too. She thinks you're a hotel and tour guide and don't have things you might be doing. I don't know about where you are but autumn here is busy.

I live in a very expensive area with hordes of tourists. I got enough requests I shut down some social media and yes, there would be some from people I knew from decades ago for them or their cousins or kids or friends or in laws, like damn, people have got a lot of nerve.

I am not a fucking hotel. End of story.

Very good friends sure. Nasty freeloading assholes, no.

She's a user.

Tigergirl80 · 15/08/2025 15:16

If she hadn’t been such a nasty cow in the past I might consider it. But she can’t just use your when it suits her. Your home is not a free hotel.

Tigergirl80 · 15/08/2025 15:16

If she hadn’t been such a nasty cow in the past I might consider it. But she can’t just use your when it suits her. Your home is not a free hotel.

declutteringmymind · 15/08/2025 15:17

I’d be tempted to reply that you don’t think that your hosting would live up to her expectations l, as you remember her to be so much better than you.