Page 6 | Person I knew a long time ago wants us to give her son a bit of a holiday - would you?

Rallentanda · 2025-08-15T13:27:55+00:00

20+ years ago I knew a couple - my dh worked with her dh. We got along well, there was a whole gang of us, we were in our twenties and it was fun. We'd do holidays together in various combinations. Dinners at each other's houses, days out, normal friendship stuff. Then we all hit our 30s and started having children, and as often happens, cracks started to show in our friendship. I found her to be a very smug mummy type. She'd say things that made me realise that she felt very superior to us on the whole. Her dh at this point got fired from his job. We'd realised a couple of years prior to that, that he was an awful person, and what we thought of as biting humour was just plain nastiness. Such is life, sometimes. Friendships wane. They moved and we moved and we now live in different countries. Her dh hasn't been able to reliably hold down work, all his fault and she makes excuses for him. She and I have barely exchanged emails in the past 18 or so years, only a couple of messages as she realised we'd know the circumstances of his latest exit from his job; or a jokey line on Facebook. Suddenly I get a message from her asking us to put up her dc - at a time of our convenience - for a few days in the autumn, as the dc is coming a long way and would love to be shown around the city. I am kind of gobsmacked. I don't think IBU to say no. But I wondered if other people would do this?

SpringboksSocks · 15/08/2025 17:56

KnewYearKnewMe · 15/08/2025 16:24

I really want to hear more about this @SpringboksSocks!

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Oh it was very sad actually. He still doesn’t have a permanent home and moves from place to place. He’s been very unfortunate with employment despite a lot of effort. But it didn’t work for us to have an unintended lodger who had different waking hours to the rest of us and no ability to contribute to bills! Sadly it’s made me much more hesitant to put people up, but you have to be sensible don’t you.

Bathingforest · 15/08/2025 18:02

Don't do it. I went to uni in another country and am from a small but cute Balkan country. I got tens of requests to open my house and winery for free over the years. I worked hard and was busy. That meant giving food and wine for free. Nope. Sorry. There is a guest house in the nearby hill above the village, they charge good rates and you are welcome to stay there, I will notify them if you are interested. My house is locked and I am up the hill doing my job

BlackSwan · 15/08/2025 18:05

I think her chickens have come home to roost. The answer should be no.

And to throw in a couple of other sayings:

no good deed goes unpunished
guests, like fish, begin to smell after the 3rd day.

Letsgodancing · 15/08/2025 18:05

I do think world is different now and there are more accommodation options available than staying with distant relatives, also some people are very hard to get rid once they get comfortable as threads on here prove !

However I had a tough time as a teen and a relatives friend took me a lot of weekends, her husband worked away so she always said she liked the company but I was 18, very un self aware and she had a beautiful house with a lovely bed and TV in the spare room. I think I may have been too comfortable when I look back. Unfortunately my relative and her fell out so I lost touch with her but may see if I can find her on social media and just send a thank you from the past inspired by this thread

Bathingforest · 15/08/2025 18:08

As I also know the type. One of my uni mates had these strange male friends who were touring Europe and were asking women to give them just a stay for the night - as in the previous entry, it turns into months, no bills, nothing. They expect to shag you also. I did not know this about her. We just rented a flat from a family and after few weeks after we prepared everything, cleaned and furnished, she made a party and all these men came!!!! Three stayed for the night and two decided to return the second night. One brought a kannabis plant with him in a big black plastic bag. I was furious to say. Called the landlord immediately, packed my bags, handed him the money and literally went to a hotel that night. Thank goodness soon the Uni gave me a room in the halls, so this woman hates me to this day. And I don't bloody care. I hope the landlord called the police on her also.

MrsCarson · 15/08/2025 18:10

We had my friends Dd for a week when she was 24. Not a teen, but we had moved to another country. Difference is I was part of her life and had known her since she was 4.
I'd say no to a non friend.

BlueSlate · 15/08/2025 18:11

Thingamebobwotsit · 15/08/2025 14:31

Depends on what culture they are from. In some cultures this would be fairly normal and you wouldn't think twice about asking or offering. Others (UK) it is pretty rude.

In our family and circle of friends we have both, and to be honest it totally depends on the person and individual circumstances. If I were you, I would probably say that it isn't possible right now to host, but if and when the DC is in the area if they would like to call and meet for coffee / lunch etc you would be happy to see them. The chances are, the DC aren't that interested in spending time with you anyway.

Alternatively just say no thanks, and leave it at that.

But these people are neither family nor friends.

They're people they knew 18+ years ago and they don't like them.

I cannot believe there are people who actually think you should dothis.

It's mental!

Catsbreakfast · 15/08/2025 18:14

ReadingTime · 15/08/2025 16:07

I would do this, it's a nice thing to do for a young person and I remember people we barely knew putting me up when I was travelling abroad at that age. We've done similar for distant relatives from other countries.

His parents are unpleasant acquaintances who haven’t bothered staying in touch for decades until they want to put OP out in order to have their kid stay for free. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Bathingforest · 15/08/2025 18:19

mondaytosunday · 15/08/2025 14:41

Well now. My parents moved to America and as their friends from England and Ireland had kids reaching 18 the summer before uni or taking a gap year and we were hit with several requests to put them up, sometimes for a few weeks. These would also be from friends of friends or distant cousins - people my parents may have had a very tenuous connection with.
But you know what? They usually said yes. Because they could remember venturing out at 18, thinking they knew everything but finding out actually the world can be big and lonely and a bit scary. Finding a friendly port in this storm was great. A few hot meals, a tour of the area, some words of encouragement and off the young person went, confidence somewhat restored and with the knowledge they’d made a connection.
So please do help out this young person and give them an introduction to your area. Show them a few sights, introduce them to people their age if you can, encourage them to get out on their own to explore. I bet years down the line they will remember your kindness and generosity and hopefully offer the same to the next generation.

I get another vibe about the < young person's > family from the op. A nasty high horse family with a husband with disdain towards everyone, cannot keep a job. I cannot comment what the child turned out into but I won't opening my home to people whose parents clearly are not interested to work hard for their upkeep .....we say you give them a finger, they bit your arm off.

we had relatives and proper friends stay with us over the years and we had unsolicited people claiming stays from places like uni or whatever else, a hobby group, a dance class. Like really.

ginasevern · 15/08/2025 18:34

No OP. Don't do it. You could end up with a "lodger" on your hands.

Scarylett · 15/08/2025 19:00

mondaytosunday · 15/08/2025 14:41

Well now. My parents moved to America and as their friends from England and Ireland had kids reaching 18 the summer before uni or taking a gap year and we were hit with several requests to put them up, sometimes for a few weeks. These would also be from friends of friends or distant cousins - people my parents may have had a very tenuous connection with.
But you know what? They usually said yes. Because they could remember venturing out at 18, thinking they knew everything but finding out actually the world can be big and lonely and a bit scary. Finding a friendly port in this storm was great. A few hot meals, a tour of the area, some words of encouragement and off the young person went, confidence somewhat restored and with the knowledge they’d made a connection.
So please do help out this young person and give them an introduction to your area. Show them a few sights, introduce them to people their age if you can, encourage them to get out on their own to explore. I bet years down the line they will remember your kindness and generosity and hopefully offer the same to the next generation.

How lovely. I have always appreciated it when a friend of a friend has extended the hand of friendship to one of my children.

Dancingsquirrels · 15/08/2025 19:08

Iris2020 · 15/08/2025 15:01

I will go against the trend. It's frequently done in my circle. Have done it often for old friends, friends of friends, distant relatives we'd never met.
Have been welcomed likewise.

Have often been asked to find families to host young people in the summer, although it's increasingly difficult.

It feels such a sad, self-centred world we live in.

Agree

I would be happy to host a friend of a friend for a few days. But MN is full of people who don't socialise or put themselves out fir anyone, then moan that "the village" doesn't exist shenthey need help themselves

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/08/2025 19:10

Doseofreality · 15/08/2025 15:29

I would reply with “Sorry, who is that?” And when they reply, messages back again with “Think you have the wrong number”.

Or...

Hi person-I've - not-spoken- to- in- 18- years,

We can't host your unknown son in wonderful destination, as we are in process of moving to awful - place - in middle of nowhere.

We'll speak again in 18 years.

Good bye.

godmum56 · 15/08/2025 19:12

Justdontknowhow · 15/08/2025 17:15

I’m a big believer in altruism , we actually did host a teenager on their gap year through a loose connection and a week turned into a 2 months....
It probably wasn’t the teenagers fault (they were 18) but they just had zero awareness about offering help or a couple of quid for food and board etc and expected lifts etc , I think it was just total lack of awareness which is probably normal for some at that age.
I’m patient and very much into helping people out in life where I can but I’m also someone who has had a very difficult background and had to drag myself up and deal with a lot of stuff alone from around 16 so I found it a lot more difficult than I thought I would to deal with the selfishness and lack of awareness……
I also was 31 with 3 very small kids so probably wasn’t the best time to host , I’ve been given zero support all my own life .
There are serious CFs in the world , for some of my inlaws it’s a lifestyle choice , constantly asking to stay in people’s houses for their holidays, constantly looking for freebies, they ask directly putting people in very awkward situations. The only way to deal with them is directly. My sil actually said “oh we’ll send dc to you as he can learn ether language and enjoy learning about the culture we live in once he’s 15 “. She was literally acting as though it was a statement, not a request. I simply said , “nope , we have our own three teens and don’t want to host another and have extra responsibility”. The arrogance… almost like she was saying it in a “he’d love to go to you and you’d love it 😂😂😂😂

Did you not say "welcome to my home here are the rules"?

caringcarer · 15/08/2025 19:15

I'd agree but put set amount of 3-4 days on the stay.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/08/2025 19:19

Justdontknowhow · 15/08/2025 17:15

I’m a big believer in altruism , we actually did host a teenager on their gap year through a loose connection and a week turned into a 2 months....
It probably wasn’t the teenagers fault (they were 18) but they just had zero awareness about offering help or a couple of quid for food and board etc and expected lifts etc , I think it was just total lack of awareness which is probably normal for some at that age.
I’m patient and very much into helping people out in life where I can but I’m also someone who has had a very difficult background and had to drag myself up and deal with a lot of stuff alone from around 16 so I found it a lot more difficult than I thought I would to deal with the selfishness and lack of awareness……
I also was 31 with 3 very small kids so probably wasn’t the best time to host , I’ve been given zero support all my own life .
There are serious CFs in the world , for some of my inlaws it’s a lifestyle choice , constantly asking to stay in people’s houses for their holidays, constantly looking for freebies, they ask directly putting people in very awkward situations. The only way to deal with them is directly. My sil actually said “oh we’ll send dc to you as he can learn ether language and enjoy learning about the culture we live in once he’s 15 “. She was literally acting as though it was a statement, not a request. I simply said , “nope , we have our own three teens and don’t want to host another and have extra responsibility”. The arrogance… almost like she was saying it in a “he’d love to go to you and you’d love it 😂😂😂😂

Recently we had a very vague relative....someone I'm unsure I'd recognise and someone who we've never had a relationship with... Call and ask if we could host her 20 something daughter for 6 weeks so she could improve her English😂😂... It was completely out to the question as we were living in a small one bed flat and also this wasn't an emergency and we had zero r/s with the mum or daughter.

On closer questioning (when we suggested a paid host and stay arrangement relatively local to us), she assumed I was a lady of leisure and was happy to set up an immersive English programme for her daughter, naturally free of charge.... 😂😱😱 for SIX EFFING WEEKS!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 15/08/2025 19:21

PS when we've had a different living situation we've been happy to host on a here's a room and a key - we'll feed you at 730pm if you're here basis.

But this has been to close friends kids. Completely different!

the5thgoldengirl · 15/08/2025 19:47

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LemonTwix · 15/08/2025 19:57

I’ve hosted before as a pay-it-forward for the times I stayed with random people in the 90s, including living in a motorhome on a family’s drive in LA, when I didn’t know them at all, just met their son in a backpackers.

I don’t do it any more though, the only people I have to stay now I know well. Too many poor experiences.

A friend’s Australian brother who would leave the heating on all day in summer to dry a pair of trousers, and who accused me of avoiding him (yes, I was, but for god’s sake who would point that out).

A friend’s niece and her friend who took over my house for a week, gave no kind of gift, on the contrary they bought themselves so much stuff it wouldn’t fit in their bags and they asked me to post it back to the US for them (and left no money for postage).

Someone who stayed a couple of times and when I suggested I stay with her in San Francisco gave me short shrift. I ignored her next email, years later, asking to stay in London again.

A couple more, also in no way rewarding. So I’m done with it, despite my mum pressuring me to have my cousin and his son stay, despite me not having seen cousin for decades and never met the teenage son. No!

Anyway OP, as you say you’re not even friends, just say no. The request itself isn’t that outrageous, it’s just that she’s not a good enough friend to ask it.

cheezncrackers · 16/08/2025 12:50

Aspidistree · 15/08/2025 16:11

I think it's changed. It was more common in the 80s when travel was more expensive. Now we have Travelodges, Premier Inns and AirBNBs everywhere, cheaper flights. Plus people are less likely to have a guest room. The second bedroom in my parents' house was always the guest room - children were in the single bedrooms and further down the pecking order.

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In the 80s there were youth hostels. There still are. Great places to meet other young, skint travellers!

Loulabelle1234 · 16/08/2025 13:42

Say no, I wouldn't want to spend any time with an 18 year old I didn't know. It would be different if you were close friends.

Manthide · 16/08/2025 13:43

When dd2 was 19 she decided to go backpacking in Australia on her own. My dm had friends who had dc who lived in Australia and it was agreed if she had any issues she could contact them and they'd help out. She did get quite ill when she was there and she was going to call them but she started getting better and didn't.
It does seem a bit cheeky and as you don't like her I think I would decline as you don't want to get enmeshed in her dramas.

Manthide · 16/08/2025 13:44

It was about 12 years ago - I think she did call them to confirm she was okay and didn't need any help.

TicklishMintDuck · 16/08/2025 13:44

I’d ignore or say no. No obligation, plus you don’t know what their child is like now he’s grown up. It’d be like having a stranger in your home.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 16/08/2025 14:02

I don't see asking a question as rude.

I have been asked similar due to where I live and having the space, if it works for me I say yes and if it doesn't I say no.

Only CF if they push you to answer or keep giving dates after you have said no.