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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Person I knew a long time ago wants us to give her son a bit of a holiday - would you?

260 replies

Rallentanda · 15/08/2025 14:27

20+ years ago I knew a couple - my dh worked with her dh. We got along well, there was a whole gang of us, we were in our twenties and it was fun. We'd do holidays together in various combinations. Dinners at each other's houses, days out, normal friendship stuff.

Then we all hit our 30s and started having children, and as often happens, cracks started to show in our friendship. I found her to be a very smug mummy type. She'd say things that made me realise that she felt very superior to us on the whole. Her dh at this point got fired from his job. We'd realised a couple of years prior to that, that he was an awful person, and what we thought of as biting humour was just plain nastiness. Such is life, sometimes. Friendships wane.

They moved and we moved and we now live in different countries. Her dh hasn't been able to reliably hold down work, all his fault and she makes excuses for him. She and I have barely exchanged emails in the past 18 or so years, only a couple of messages as she realised we'd know the circumstances of his latest exit from his job; or a jokey line on Facebook.

Suddenly I get a message from her asking us to put up her dc - at a time of our convenience - for a few days in the autumn, as the dc is coming a long way and would love to be shown around the city.

I am kind of gobsmacked. I don't think IBU to say no. But I wondered if other people would do this?

OP posts:
pineapplesundae · 16/08/2025 22:14

They’re not thinking about you at all. There’re only thinking about their son being safe and happy. Saying yes might open the door to more intrusive behavior by these people.

GlassTube · 16/08/2025 22:20

How weird and rude that people would ignore this message. I’d be delighted to get it and would happily host. It’s the kind of favour I benefitted from in my youth, why not pass it on? And a lovely way to stay connected to your old friends (or reconnect)

Booboobagins · 16/08/2025 22:22

Hard no sorry.

Poor kid. He will think it's him.

pinkyredrose · 16/08/2025 22:40

StrandedInJune · 16/08/2025 20:47

He’s just a kid who is heading out into the world on an adventure. It’s just a couple of nights (ask him to sleep in a sleeping bag so you don’t have to redo the bed if you must) and a couple of dinners (that you could ask him to help prepare). If you don’t want to play tour guide send him a couple of web links to cool places and tell him how the public transport system works. What has happened to the world? Why is everything so difficult now?

Young people are facing an incredibly tough time of it with student loans, wage stagnation and housing prospects. A kid who has the gumption to travel across the Atlantic on his own and is putting himself out there to stay with local people instead of sticking with his own crowd already has my admiration and I would 💯 want to do this for him. To fixate on his father’s employment issues and his mother’s micro aggressions decades ago also just seems… a bit mean.

Best send Op your address then.

IamMoodyBlue · 16/08/2025 23:13

Just ask yourself one question.
Do you want to rekindle your friendship?
If not, say no.

MoonWoman69 · 17/08/2025 00:12

Not a chance! She's using you! Don't even bother responding.

buckeejit · 17/08/2025 00:15

That’s a hard no. ‘Sorry we couldn’t put him up, but will have a think & send you a list of recommended places he could go when in town’.

abs12 · 17/08/2025 02:55

Personally I don't see what the big deal is. I'd absolutely do it. A great experience for the kid. You just need to be clear on boundaries such as time, expenses etc. Asking isn't rude. You might even have a nice time exploring your city from a different perspective. But then I've travlled a lot, happily hosted people, have been hosted many times by others when younger. It really isn't a big deal. Just because you're down on his parents don't take it out on the kid.

abs12 · 17/08/2025 03:02

mondaytosunday · 15/08/2025 14:41

Well now. My parents moved to America and as their friends from England and Ireland had kids reaching 18 the summer before uni or taking a gap year and we were hit with several requests to put them up, sometimes for a few weeks. These would also be from friends of friends or distant cousins - people my parents may have had a very tenuous connection with.
But you know what? They usually said yes. Because they could remember venturing out at 18, thinking they knew everything but finding out actually the world can be big and lonely and a bit scary. Finding a friendly port in this storm was great. A few hot meals, a tour of the area, some words of encouragement and off the young person went, confidence somewhat restored and with the knowledge they’d made a connection.
So please do help out this young person and give them an introduction to your area. Show them a few sights, introduce them to people their age if you can, encourage them to get out on their own to explore. I bet years down the line they will remember your kindness and generosity and hopefully offer the same to the next generation.

This is lovely. I feel the same as you and had similar circumstances as a child. All these negative responses are a shame. No-one I know, in my family or even family friends, would hesitate to say anything but yes. It's a great experience for everyone.

Inshockandsome · 17/08/2025 03:31

I am genuinely curious how it is a ‘great experience’ for you hosting a person / someone’s son whom you have never met and have no idea Iwhat he is like?

He is not the child of an old and trusted friend, but a random person you haven’t even heard from in nearly twenty years. You have absolutely nothing in common, no shared memories and can’t be sure he is even a trustworthy person, or comes with good intent.

it strikes me this might be a cultural difference, so I would love to hear your views.

How do you even have the time for this? I can’t imagine how you can change all of the beds, extra cooking, shopping and hosting and see it as something fun for you to do?! Do you not work? Have children of your own? Have friends and family you would rather invite and see?

LOLsurprize · 17/08/2025 05:06

No of course not! CF

FlyMeSomewhere · 17/08/2025 07:25

Iris2020 · 15/08/2025 15:01

I will go against the trend. It's frequently done in my circle. Have done it often for old friends, friends of friends, distant relatives we'd never met.
Have been welcomed likewise.

Have often been asked to find families to host young people in the summer, although it's increasingly difficult.

It feels such a sad, self-centred world we live in.

It's not about being self centered! Times have changed! Kids aren't all raised like they used to be! They've just charged some 12/13/14/16 year olds with murdering a guy and you don't see the danger with letting an unknown 18 year old into your home? Every school holidays the community pages are regularly getting posts about malicious behaviour going on at the hands of people's kids! It's not sad or self centered to play safe! I wouldn't just let an unknown person stay in my house!
Not to knock you for doing it but I think it's very understandable in this day and age why people wouldn't do it.

FlyMeSomewhere · 17/08/2025 07:30

abs12 · 17/08/2025 03:02

This is lovely. I feel the same as you and had similar circumstances as a child. All these negative responses are a shame. No-one I know, in my family or even family friends, would hesitate to say anything but yes. It's a great experience for everyone.

Show quote history

Times of changed, look at the kids charged with murder this week, since discipline went out the window you can't assume an unknown 18 year old is safe to have in the house! What if he's a psycho or a pervert, what if there's a female teen in the house etc. You can't be lax these days! You wouldn't walk out your house and invite the first stranger you see to come and stay with you for a few days.

GoodPudding · 17/08/2025 07:38

I would be inclined to say “yes” if they were friends I’d kept in touch with, even if it was rarely (ie someone who meet rarely due to distance/circumstance but when you meet it’s like you’ve never been apart), but it sounds like you completely lost touch 20 years ago in large part because you actively didn’t like her, not just because you drifted apart, so I’d answer “no” to this request.

Inshockandsome · 17/08/2025 07:38

All of the teens I know are fantastic, trustworthy and truly decent. They are far more together than we were, and don’t tend to get drunk or party anywhere near as much. It’s not really the idea of having young people that I have an issue with - it’s the fact most people work these days. We are busy. It’s expensive and tiring hosting others.

I would happily do so, if I was bored and had nothing better to do - the reality is that I am so busy I don’t have much time to see my actual family and friends.

I imagine most people are in the same position. We are not a bed and breakfast facility, we are working professionals. In any case it’s incredible this woman felt she could even ask given she hasn’t even bothered to stay in touch. It is CF behaviour.

taxidriver · 17/08/2025 07:41

i think it was worth an ask from her,
when i travelled in america some old friends of my aunt's put us up
if you are available why not

GoodPudding · 17/08/2025 07:45

FlyMeSomewhere · 17/08/2025 07:30

Times of changed, look at the kids charged with murder this week, since discipline went out the window you can't assume an unknown 18 year old is safe to have in the house! What if he's a psycho or a pervert, what if there's a female teen in the house etc. You can't be lax these days! You wouldn't walk out your house and invite the first stranger you see to come and stay with you for a few days.

Show quote history

I don’t think the OP should say “yes” but you’re being a bit ridiculous with the rose-tinted “it wasn’t like that in my day” stuff, as though teenagers were really any different 20-30 years ago. We weren’t - we were a mixed bunch back then too. And kids occasionally committed with murder back then as well (remember Jamie Bulger?). Extrapolating a few sensationalist news stories to apply to the whole population of young people is as stupid and it is unkind.

FlyMeSomewhere · 17/08/2025 08:36

Yes I remember James Bulger! That shook the country but I don't think people would be shocked now! How many kids are going out tooled up with knives? How many 14 year olds are stabbing each other? As a kid of the 80's to mid 90's it didn't happen! People didn't stab teachers! Schools didn't have to consider having metal detectors on the doors! In the 80's you still feared getting a walloping if you did anything bad! Parents cared what their kids did and where they where especially at night but that's not the case now! The kid who lives behind me screeches at his parents on a regular basis and threatens to kill them! Look at the young adults that scream and drool like something possessed when dragged into custody suites, screaming how they are going to kill the coppers! There's so much more evil tempers around now because the only discipline they've had is the naughty step!

Not all kids were perfect back then but the issues are very different now! Look at everybody rushing to kids get diagnosed with something nowadays, how much of that is parents trying to make excuses for a filthy tempered kid that's had no discipline.

Early hours of this morning between 3 and 4am, there were boy racers screaming about in cars nearby! That wasn't a thing in generations gone by because parents didn't allow it! Parents didn't just go to bed and allow their kids to play in cars all night! I moved from a main road last year and I was at that address for 16 years, in the last 4 years the boy racing became a thing, you'd start to see groups of kids that only look about 13 walking down the road at 11pm! You cannot deny that parenting has got more lax, society has changed, the benefits culture was different, people worked but got extra help when needed then we started to see people going from school to benefits and having big families they fail to raise properly! I don't have rose tinteds on but you wear the biggest pair I've ever seen if you don't think society has changed!

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 17/08/2025 08:44

I mean all of what you say @FlyMeSomewhere is complete fantasy but this

Early hours of this morning between 3 and 4am, there were boy racers screaming about in cars nearby! That wasn't a thing in generations gone by because parents didn't allow it! Parents didn't just go to bed and allow their kids to play in cars all night

Is especially fantasy. This was massive in the 80's.

If they are driving they aren't children so quite how parents are going to stop it is beyond me.

The 70s/80s/most of the 90s was a time of disinterested parenting, most parents did not know where there children were, or what they were. They went out and that was that.

GoodPudding · 17/08/2025 09:00

@FlyMeSomewhere

I’ve rarely come across someone with quite such amnesia about the past…

Of course people would be horrified by Jamie Bulger today - they’re often horrified (rightly) by far less as shown from these threads.

And young teen boys racing around at all hours was pretty common back in the 80s and 90s too. Just to name a few things I can recall off the top of my head from back then… a girl got raped in the common land behind my home, cars were stolen by joy-riders and torched so often it wasn’t almost normal, large unruly families living off benefits, teenagers puking all over the streets having had far too much to drink in the early (I was sometimes one of them), frequent teen pregnancies (far more than I see today!), various stabbings at local night clubs… I could go on. This was a typical Midlands city.

Seriously, look at some news stories and statistics from back then and your memory would return… the 80s and 90s were not some kind of utopia where young people were all deferential and law-abiding, and the worst that would happen was a bit of scrumping at your local apple orchard. You need your memory testing!

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 17/08/2025 09:59

@GoodPudding I forgot about the burnt out cars, and cars on bricks after the alloys had been stolen. And having to carry your car radio with you or it would be stolen.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 17/08/2025 10:53

It is clear that you don’t like or respect them, so that’s why you don’t want to do it. Literally that’s it. Go with your gut instinct in these situations.

Suusue · 17/08/2025 10:59

No definitely not. Who does she think she is? Do not even reply back.

Discombobble · 17/08/2025 11:05

I think it’s something I would say yes to, but with clear dates agreed beforehand. He’s not his parents, you might find him interesting

MounjaroMounjaro · 17/08/2025 11:16

Why would they find a young man who wants to use their place as a hotel interesting? Do you really think he wants to come over in order to get to know them?