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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Person I knew a long time ago wants us to give her son a bit of a holiday - would you?

260 replies

Rallentanda · 15/08/2025 14:27

20+ years ago I knew a couple - my dh worked with her dh. We got along well, there was a whole gang of us, we were in our twenties and it was fun. We'd do holidays together in various combinations. Dinners at each other's houses, days out, normal friendship stuff.

Then we all hit our 30s and started having children, and as often happens, cracks started to show in our friendship. I found her to be a very smug mummy type. She'd say things that made me realise that she felt very superior to us on the whole. Her dh at this point got fired from his job. We'd realised a couple of years prior to that, that he was an awful person, and what we thought of as biting humour was just plain nastiness. Such is life, sometimes. Friendships wane.

They moved and we moved and we now live in different countries. Her dh hasn't been able to reliably hold down work, all his fault and she makes excuses for him. She and I have barely exchanged emails in the past 18 or so years, only a couple of messages as she realised we'd know the circumstances of his latest exit from his job; or a jokey line on Facebook.

Suddenly I get a message from her asking us to put up her dc - at a time of our convenience - for a few days in the autumn, as the dc is coming a long way and would love to be shown around the city.

I am kind of gobsmacked. I don't think IBU to say no. But I wondered if other people would do this?

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 15/08/2025 14:28

Of course not.

CircuitMaze · 15/08/2025 14:30

Nope, I possibly wouldn’t even reply.

TripTrapSnipSnap · 15/08/2025 14:30

No.

TravelPanic · 15/08/2025 14:31

If you liked them I’d do it, despite the lapsed time. I’ve done similar and had similar done for me in the past. But as you don’t like them any more, it would be pretty weird!

Zabber · 15/08/2025 14:31

Does she know where you live? Could he just show up?

Thingamebobwotsit · 15/08/2025 14:31

Depends on what culture they are from. In some cultures this would be fairly normal and you wouldn't think twice about asking or offering. Others (UK) it is pretty rude.

In our family and circle of friends we have both, and to be honest it totally depends on the person and individual circumstances. If I were you, I would probably say that it isn't possible right now to host, but if and when the DC is in the area if they would like to call and meet for coffee / lunch etc you would be happy to see them. The chances are, the DC aren't that interested in spending time with you anyway.

Alternatively just say no thanks, and leave it at that.

Muffinmanfromdrurylane · 15/08/2025 14:32

I wouldn't even reply

MounjaroMounjaro · 15/08/2025 14:32

No, she and her husband are not your friends and they want to exploit your good nature.

purplecorkheart · 15/08/2025 14:33

Is he coming from Australia by any chance?

Say no, it is a cheeky request and I bet he will outstay his welcome as the UK will be more expensive than he expected etc.

Verv · 15/08/2025 14:34

CircuitMaze · 15/08/2025 14:30

Nope, I possibly wouldn’t even reply.

I wouldnt reply either.

NewBlueNoteBook · 15/08/2025 14:34

I think that you can happily decline this one.

18 years olds absolutely do not want to be shown round cities by people they have never met.

They are probably desperately hoping you say no to their Mum.

Original poster
Rallentanda · 15/08/2025 14:34

I haven't replied. I'm not sure I intend to. I find it so fucking rude.

Culture is I'm a Brit and they are American.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 15/08/2025 14:35

i would reply with no, it’s not possible.

MYBO · 15/08/2025 14:37

If they don’t have your address I’d just ignore and block. If, however there is a chance he may just turn up as they know where you live, I’d definitely reply with a ‘no!’.

Algonqueen · 15/08/2025 14:39

I’d reply and either agree or disagree. You don’t need to bring yourself down to her level by ignoring her.

Original poster
Rallentanda · 15/08/2025 14:39

I can't think of a reason why they'd have our latest address. We are no longer friends!

OP posts:
SpringboksSocks · 15/08/2025 14:39

Not exactly the same, but reminds me of a time when an old school friend contacted me after a similar amount of time asking if I still live in X city as he was thinking about visiting. We were very hospitable at that time so I said yes and he’s welcome to stay if he needs somewhere (assuming he was coming for a night or two).

When he turned up it was clear he had literally all his worldly belongings with him and no leaving date! It took at lot of hard work to get him to leave.

mondaytosunday · 15/08/2025 14:41

Well now. My parents moved to America and as their friends from England and Ireland had kids reaching 18 the summer before uni or taking a gap year and we were hit with several requests to put them up, sometimes for a few weeks. These would also be from friends of friends or distant cousins - people my parents may have had a very tenuous connection with.
But you know what? They usually said yes. Because they could remember venturing out at 18, thinking they knew everything but finding out actually the world can be big and lonely and a bit scary. Finding a friendly port in this storm was great. A few hot meals, a tour of the area, some words of encouragement and off the young person went, confidence somewhat restored and with the knowledge they’d made a connection.
So please do help out this young person and give them an introduction to your area. Show them a few sights, introduce them to people their age if you can, encourage them to get out on their own to explore. I bet years down the line they will remember your kindness and generosity and hopefully offer the same to the next generation.

XelaM · 15/08/2025 14:44

I mean it would be totally fine in my circle of friends to ask something like that and I have done similar favours for acquaintances, but you sound quite nasty about them OP and you clearly don't like them, so no point replying. I don't think the request is inherently rude though 🤷‍♀️

You seem to also know a lot about her DH's employment situation given that you haven't spoken in 18 years.

Original poster
Rallentanda · 15/08/2025 14:46

mondaytosunday · 15/08/2025 14:41

Well now. My parents moved to America and as their friends from England and Ireland had kids reaching 18 the summer before uni or taking a gap year and we were hit with several requests to put them up, sometimes for a few weeks. These would also be from friends of friends or distant cousins - people my parents may have had a very tenuous connection with.
But you know what? They usually said yes. Because they could remember venturing out at 18, thinking they knew everything but finding out actually the world can be big and lonely and a bit scary. Finding a friendly port in this storm was great. A few hot meals, a tour of the area, some words of encouragement and off the young person went, confidence somewhat restored and with the knowledge they’d made a connection.
So please do help out this young person and give them an introduction to your area. Show them a few sights, introduce them to people their age if you can, encourage them to get out on their own to explore. I bet years down the line they will remember your kindness and generosity and hopefully offer the same to the next generation.

Yes this is the only reason I'd even consider it. He's not responsible for his parents. But I know they have actual friends elsewhere in the country so I don't feel too bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rallentanda · 15/08/2025 14:47

XelaM · 15/08/2025 14:44

I mean it would be totally fine in my circle of friends to ask something like that and I have done similar favours for acquaintances, but you sound quite nasty about them OP and you clearly don't like them, so no point replying. I don't think the request is inherently rude though 🤷‍♀️

You seem to also know a lot about her DH's employment situation given that you haven't spoken in 18 years.

Small industry, that's all.

OP posts:
BauhausOfEliott · 15/08/2025 14:48

Cheeky bastards. Say no.

avocadotofu · 15/08/2025 14:51

Absolutely not!!

ThejoyofNC · 15/08/2025 14:53

mondaytosunday · 15/08/2025 14:41

Well now. My parents moved to America and as their friends from England and Ireland had kids reaching 18 the summer before uni or taking a gap year and we were hit with several requests to put them up, sometimes for a few weeks. These would also be from friends of friends or distant cousins - people my parents may have had a very tenuous connection with.
But you know what? They usually said yes. Because they could remember venturing out at 18, thinking they knew everything but finding out actually the world can be big and lonely and a bit scary. Finding a friendly port in this storm was great. A few hot meals, a tour of the area, some words of encouragement and off the young person went, confidence somewhat restored and with the knowledge they’d made a connection.
So please do help out this young person and give them an introduction to your area. Show them a few sights, introduce them to people their age if you can, encourage them to get out on their own to explore. I bet years down the line they will remember your kindness and generosity and hopefully offer the same to the next generation.

Oh for goodness sake OP ignore this #bekind nonsense. You owe them nothing. They are responsible for giving their child experiences in life.

XelaM · 15/08/2025 14:54

mondaytosunday · 15/08/2025 14:41

Well now. My parents moved to America and as their friends from England and Ireland had kids reaching 18 the summer before uni or taking a gap year and we were hit with several requests to put them up, sometimes for a few weeks. These would also be from friends of friends or distant cousins - people my parents may have had a very tenuous connection with.
But you know what? They usually said yes. Because they could remember venturing out at 18, thinking they knew everything but finding out actually the world can be big and lonely and a bit scary. Finding a friendly port in this storm was great. A few hot meals, a tour of the area, some words of encouragement and off the young person went, confidence somewhat restored and with the knowledge they’d made a connection.
So please do help out this young person and give them an introduction to your area. Show them a few sights, introduce them to people their age if you can, encourage them to get out on their own to explore. I bet years down the line they will remember your kindness and generosity and hopefully offer the same to the next generation.

Your parents sound lovely and actually when I was 18 I had my grandparents' long-lost family connections put me up whilst I was doing some work experience in NYC.

My parents have also helped out several of my acquaintances when their kids wanted to study in Germany. One stayed with my parents while retaking his exams and one my parents helped put up at their house and the take to Frankfurt (they live in Dusseldorf miles away) when she just came over from the Uk as a student and had no one in Germany. She was my colleague's daughter and we weren't even close friends but friendly. My dad still fondly talks about it and how happy he is that she did so well at uni and is now settled in Germany.