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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For making dd16 move?

244 replies

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 08:38

Long story short I can't afford to live where I currently do for much longer. DD is 16 and is just about to start college. Our options are to stay in same town in a really bad area (one where I would not feel safe living and that's honestly not an exaggeration) where the house is horrible and will be the top of my budget so i wouldnt be able to afford to do it up, or move 45 miles away and have a lovely house in a nice area. DD would rather live in bad area, I wouldn't. She won't even discuss moving away and when I tried to explain my reasons yesterday she stormed off and it ended in an argument and now we're barely speaking. I understand her point but I just don't want to live in any of the options available to us in this town.

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 15/08/2025 13:01

I'm slightly confused but I'm raising this as the line of questions raises the risk that you have a pretty poor settlement agreement with your ex and while you might not be able to change it, you shouldn't be doing him any favours.

You are selling up now because you can't afford the mortgage? Is this 100% of the mortgage in that you have taken on the full cost of the payments when your ex jumped ship? In which case, he should not have 50:50 equity? Or does he still make payments but your financial situation has changed and he is seeking to leverage the situation to get his equity two years early?

If it's the latter, he still has an obligation to fund his daughter and assuming cannot or will not, you should be seeking to do that as part of a bigger share of the equity which might give you more choices.

An alternate is that your daughter boards with a family during the week and he/you jointly funds that.

IF YOU DON'T want to move, as you haven't started to market the house yet and a move might take 6 months in the current market, I'd be trying to hang on for the next two years so that you are moving house in July 27 after her A levels.

I would speak to your solicitor to establish your rights and options and then your bank to see what they can do to help. Your home appears to be in an upmarket area with easy sale potential so less risky for them. Banks don't want to repossess and evict families it looks very bad on the front of the Daily Mail. Far less disruptive to see if you can take a mortgage holiday or reduce your payments temporarily.

IF YOU DO want to move, have a clean break from your husband then assuming the commute is a straightforward train journey then I would just crack on with it all. Your daughter will adjust and while 2 hours on the train is inducing gasps of horror it can be a nice way to read a book, watch a bit of tv and unwind after a long day.

Beammeupscotty2025 · 15/08/2025 13:02

If you can’t afford it there is no quibble.

Move.

Flatandhappy · 15/08/2025 13:06

I would acknowledge her feelings then explain the realities of life. There are the choices we would like to make and the choices we have to make. You don’t want to end up living somewhere shitty in a few years when she has moved on, when kids reach that age it is not unreasonable to look at your future too.

Tulipvase · 15/08/2025 13:07

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 12:57

Yes all taken into account, I've been and seen a mortgage broker etc. There is a massive difference in house prices between the areas.

good, hope I didn’t offend you by asking.

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 13:07

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 15/08/2025 13:01

I'm slightly confused but I'm raising this as the line of questions raises the risk that you have a pretty poor settlement agreement with your ex and while you might not be able to change it, you shouldn't be doing him any favours.

You are selling up now because you can't afford the mortgage? Is this 100% of the mortgage in that you have taken on the full cost of the payments when your ex jumped ship? In which case, he should not have 50:50 equity? Or does he still make payments but your financial situation has changed and he is seeking to leverage the situation to get his equity two years early?

If it's the latter, he still has an obligation to fund his daughter and assuming cannot or will not, you should be seeking to do that as part of a bigger share of the equity which might give you more choices.

An alternate is that your daughter boards with a family during the week and he/you jointly funds that.

IF YOU DON'T want to move, as you haven't started to market the house yet and a move might take 6 months in the current market, I'd be trying to hang on for the next two years so that you are moving house in July 27 after her A levels.

I would speak to your solicitor to establish your rights and options and then your bank to see what they can do to help. Your home appears to be in an upmarket area with easy sale potential so less risky for them. Banks don't want to repossess and evict families it looks very bad on the front of the Daily Mail. Far less disruptive to see if you can take a mortgage holiday or reduce your payments temporarily.

IF YOU DO want to move, have a clean break from your husband then assuming the commute is a straightforward train journey then I would just crack on with it all. Your daughter will adjust and while 2 hours on the train is inducing gasps of horror it can be a nice way to read a book, watch a bit of tv and unwind after a long day.

Stupidly (for my part!) my ex and I never married hence why there is no financial settlement agreement. We're both on the mortgage so both are entitled to 50%, sadly it doesn't work the same way as if we were married.
He pays nothing towards the mortgage, never has since he moved out. He does pay maintenance but currently in the hands of cms because he's been underpaying for 6 years and refuses to pay the correct amount.
I am going to see a solicitor to see if I can get a higher percentage of the equity but because it's complex due to us not being married it will probably be expensive. I'll see what they say when I have the appointment.

OP posts:
Trendyname · 15/08/2025 13:09

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 08:49

She will be starting college here as planned and will be staying for the whole 2 years, it's only the travel and time to get there there that will change.
I agree it is a shit time but I'm at the point of not being able to pay the mortgage for much longer

You didn’t mention not being able to pay mortgage in your op and said house is horrible, you won’t be able to do it up whereas 45 miles away you will have a lovely house.

will be the top of my budget so i wouldnt be able to afford to do it up, or move 45 miles away and have a lovely house in a nice area.

is doing up your house more important than your dd’s stability in her college years. Living in a lovely house is exciting but I am sure it can wait for 2 years. But these 2 years are crucial for your dd’s future.

GAJLY · 15/08/2025 13:13

TeenToTwenties · 15/08/2025 08:43

If you have to move then she could start college in new area and commute so college isn't disrupted.

Explain you have to, where you are now is unaffordable.

Yes agree to this.

Zempy · 15/08/2025 13:13

I would borrow money and move in two years when DD will be working or going off to uni.

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 13:14

Trendyname · 15/08/2025 13:09

You didn’t mention not being able to pay mortgage in your op and said house is horrible, you won’t be able to do it up whereas 45 miles away you will have a lovely house.

will be the top of my budget so i wouldnt be able to afford to do it up, or move 45 miles away and have a lovely house in a nice area.

is doing up your house more important than your dd’s stability in her college years. Living in a lovely house is exciting but I am sure it can wait for 2 years. But these 2 years are crucial for your dd’s future.

I'm not understanding your post? Why would I suddenly have money to do my top of my budget house in a shit hole up in 2 years because my dd has finished college?

OP posts:
Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 13:15

Zempy · 15/08/2025 13:13

I would borrow money and move in two years when DD will be working or going off to uni.

Borrow money from who? I have no one!

OP posts:
Trendyname · 15/08/2025 13:17

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 10:06

For those saying I'm not showing compassion, believe me I am to her. I'm just being factual on here explaining certain points raised.

I don't expect her to be happy about and and I certainly do not think she's being unreasonable either!

Her dad lives a 2hr 38min commute to college away with his new family which is longer and includes 2 buses and a train journey which would be worse.

Also, I don't want to leave my home that I love, to change my job that I love! I have no choice.

Also, I don't want to leave my home that I love.

Sorry op, to be this seems like the main reason. It took you 4 posts to mention that you can’t afford mortgage. If mortgage was a real issue you would have mentioned it before. I am not denying you are not having tight budget but I think non affordability of mortgage only came when posters explained how hard it is going to be for your dd. You don’t want to lose the house, it seems like it.

your dd has one parent who has happily started a new life and is irregular with CMS payments and now you are also want to prioritise yourself above her needs, I feel upset on her behalf.

Trendyname · 15/08/2025 13:20

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 13:14

I'm not understanding your post? Why would I suddenly have money to do my top of my budget house in a shit hole up in 2 years because my dd has finished college?

In 2 years you can move. Doing up your house should not be more important than DD’s stable college years. But you are fixated on doing up house, so do what you want.

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 13:21

Main reason for what?
Thank you so much for not denying I have a tight budget. I'll sleep much easier tonight knowing a stranger on the Internet believes I'm skint!

I wouldn't be selling if I didn't have to, I've already said I love my home and so does dd.

OP posts:
Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 13:23

Trendyname · 15/08/2025 13:17

Also, I don't want to leave my home that I love.

Sorry op, to be this seems like the main reason. It took you 4 posts to mention that you can’t afford mortgage. If mortgage was a real issue you would have mentioned it before. I am not denying you are not having tight budget but I think non affordability of mortgage only came when posters explained how hard it is going to be for your dd. You don’t want to lose the house, it seems like it.

your dd has one parent who has happily started a new life and is irregular with CMS payments and now you are also want to prioritise yourself above her needs, I feel upset on her behalf.

4 post?! It's on the first line of the op that i can't afford to live there!!!

OP posts:
MinnieCauldwell · 15/08/2025 13:23

OhHellolittleone · 15/08/2025 12:55

Not awful at all. The person I replied to is incredibly uncaring toward the child. I wasn’t meaning the OP. I meant the commented that said ‘though shit’ in response to my comment that the OP should understand it’s hard for her child and find ways to make it easier, even if they do need to move. As a parent I would always want to minimise the impact on my child even if there is a certain amount of ‘putting up’ she has to do!

Apols, read it wrongly!

Nanny0gg · 15/08/2025 13:26

DaisyChain505 · 15/08/2025 09:02

Youre the adult and the one paying for the roof over her head, you decide where that roof is.

Yes it sucks but it’s life. If she still misses home in a year or two she’ll be old enough to have a job and rent her own place there.

Of course.

But being understanding and helpful about it helps

GreyPearlSatin · 15/08/2025 13:30

Sorry you're getting such a hard time from this thread as well as your daughter. She will understand one day. You simply have no choice but to move. The alternative would be foreclosure and homelessness. She may not be able to imagine it now, but that's far worse.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 15/08/2025 13:40

Hmm - you definitely need legal advice particularly since you can evidence you have solely paid the mortgage for 10 yrs. You need to gather all your financial data and records so that you can make the most of your free 30 mins and any paid for time thereafter.

Did you have a tenants in common agreement when you bought ?

Plus what have you done about the backdated maintenance? You could use that as leverage to get him to agree to a fairer equity split.

https://www.gov.uk/unpaid-child-maintenance

Some basic info on tenants in common but a quick google search doesn't throw up any legal advice as to where you might stand having taken over sole responsibility of the mortgage [please tell me the bank knows this and it is now in your name only?]

Unpaid child maintenance

Find out what to do if your child maintenance payment is missed or you're not able to pay your child maintenance.

https://www.gov.uk/unpaid-child-maintenance

laurini · 15/08/2025 13:41

Have you tried to save money in all other ways? No holidays etc.? If not, could you really cut back to afford to stay where you are for a couple more years?

Toohightoofar · 15/08/2025 13:44

I think your reasons for moving are very sound and your daughter is going to have to accept this. Friendships change a lot at this age - even without moving house. Could she transfer to college nearby during the course do you think?

BondAway25 · 15/08/2025 13:49

VaseofViolets · 15/08/2025 09:33

It’s immaterial whether she says ‘ok, sure’ - the adult here needs to be able to pay a mortgage and put a roof over her head. Why are you acting as though DD needs consulting on decisions like this, or needs to give her seal of approval? Her boyfriend isn’t a consideration here either. OP needs to make the decision she thinks best and tell DD what will be happening. It’s not a discussion as though DD is an equal player, she’s not. DD can figure it out from there. She’s a teenager with agency and can travel if she wants to visit friends. OP’s financial concerns are paramount here.

Exactly!

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 13:51

Toohightoofar · 15/08/2025 13:44

I think your reasons for moving are very sound and your daughter is going to have to accept this. Friendships change a lot at this age - even without moving house. Could she transfer to college nearby during the course do you think?

Thank you!
Yes she could transfer, I hope she would as she'd also have some local friends which is really important

OP posts:
Themaghag · 15/08/2025 13:57

Trendyname · 15/08/2025 13:09

You didn’t mention not being able to pay mortgage in your op and said house is horrible, you won’t be able to do it up whereas 45 miles away you will have a lovely house.

will be the top of my budget so i wouldnt be able to afford to do it up, or move 45 miles away and have a lovely house in a nice area.

is doing up your house more important than your dd’s stability in her college years. Living in a lovely house is exciting but I am sure it can wait for 2 years. But these 2 years are crucial for your dd’s future.

The OP clearly states in the first line of her post that she can no longer afford to continue living in her current home!

steff13 · 15/08/2025 14:03

Jaws2025 · 15/08/2025 11:29

I would stay put for the year or two of college. And until dd could get her driving licence.

If she can't afford to pay the mortgage how is she going to stay put? At some point she's not going to have a choice because the mortgage company is going to make her leave.

Jaws2025 · 15/08/2025 14:05

steff13 · 15/08/2025 14:03

If she can't afford to pay the mortgage how is she going to stay put? At some point she's not going to have a choice because the mortgage company is going to make her leave.

I mean the area not the house. OP hadn't mentioned mortgages either when I posted.