Page 5 | For making dd16 move?

Clarasmum444 · 2025-08-15T07:38:58+00:00

Long story short I can't afford to live where I currently do for much longer. DD is 16 and is just about to start college. Our options are to stay in same town in a really bad area (one where I would not feel safe living and that's honestly not an exaggeration) where the house is horrible and will be the top of my budget so i wouldnt be able to afford to do it up, or move 45 miles away and have a lovely house in a nice area. DD would rather live in bad area, I wouldn't. She won't even discuss moving away and when I tried to explain my reasons yesterday she stormed off and it ended in an argument and now we're barely speaking. I understand her point but I just don't want to live in any of the options available to us in this town.

Digdongdoo · 15/08/2025 10:45

VaseofViolets · 15/08/2025 10:43

Oh no, is there anything worse than moving house as a teenager? /s

I wouldn’t be allowing my DDs feelings about it to sway me to that extent. It’s ludicrous. Adults make the decisions, kids have to crack on and make the best of it.

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Dear me. I don't know why you're so cross about suggesting a parent consider their child's feelings. Perhaps you're not actually as thrilled about your childhood move as you thought...

jensondolally · 15/08/2025 10:47

It’s a shit situation, OP. If you can’t afford to stay then no you’re not being unreasonable moving. You have no choice. But at the same time your DD is NBU by not wanting to go.
At 16 her whole world is her friends and boyfriend. College / school just supports the social life at that age. And of course family are there in the centre anchoring her down but she’s looking outwards away from you as that’s what her brain is programmed to do.
45 miles is a very long way. What is the commute like? How practical is it for her to visit for social as as well as college purposes?

I know if I told my teen DS we were moving 45 mins away he’d be devastated and would fight me tooth and nail. But if it’s got to be done it’s got to be done.

is there anywhere that’s a little closer at all, OP?

BunnyLake · 15/08/2025 10:48

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 10:30

We have a 2 bedroom house so no to a lodger. Even if I got a second job I wouldn't earn enough to buy her dad out (we still own the house 50/50) and take over the mortgage. Plus where I've struggled to pay for everything so I could keep her in the same high school a lot of repairs need doing in the house which I would never be able to afford. Even though the house is jointly owned her dad will not help in anyway, he just wants his 50% equity.

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One issue you will still have is because her bf is there she will still be out and about at night in the rough area before heading back home late. Have you thought about how you feel about that and how you can work around it?

Original poster

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 10:50

No I don't have a job lined up but I will commute back in the meantime. It won't be pleasant but I will able to afford the petrol as my outgoings will be less than half what they are now. I will also be able to drop dd off en route so she can make her way to college.

I wouldn't live in a flat because I have dogs, also flats here arent much cheaper at all and the service charge would be an added expense

OP posts:

AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 15/08/2025 10:50

I can't believe how many people are seriously suggesting that OP just 'hang in there' and make it work for 2 more years as she financially runs herself into the ground.

OP is not the government; she can't magic money up out of thin air. Her current living situation is no longer economically sustainable for her and she HAS to move.

And we all know renting can cost 2x as much as a mortgage in many areas, like OP's.

Wexone · 15/08/2025 10:51

Dinosaurshoebox · 15/08/2025 10:35

......its moving in a first world country to another place with privilege.
Honestly, some people need to check how bloody lucky they are.

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Sorry ? I am explaining exactly how i felt as a 16 years old having to move - that is the reality check - i dont think i am lucky sorry, i moved alot as a child, parents made bad money choices and were never happy where they lived, always found some faults or were forced to move. When i was 16 i had lived in that house for 3 years, it was the longest time i had lived in one house by that stage of my life and had made good friends as started secondary school there - where i live we start at 12 - It was also in the middle of my exam year, it was advised not to move schools as it would disrupt it, we didnt have much public transport, i was driven to school by people my mother asked lifts from and she drove me if not, It was grand the 1st month then resentment started in, i missed the Christmas discos, cinema trips etc cause my mother wouldn't drive me, i was told after one row that she was close to driving off a cliff she was so fed up of driving me around, i struggled big time then in the years after to make friends and also with my further studies. It still resonates with me all these years later - now in my mid 40's and it hurts sometimes when i hear people saying oh we have been friends since secondary school as i don't have that. We only lasted two years in the next house and ended up moving twice more before i was 22, luckily i had met my boyfriend then ( now husband) and we moved in when was 24. Even to this day i hate moving. My parents have moved more times since then -living where they are now 10 years and i think that's the longest they have lived in one house in their whole lives, now retired and talking again to move
A reality check is when you have kids your actions affect them

Ilady · 15/08/2025 10:51

The reality is that you have no choice but to move. You stayed in this area so the your daughter could do her gcse's. You can't afford the mortgage on your current home. Along with this your ex partner her father wants the 50% equity from your current home.
So faced with this you have looked to see where you could buy another home with transport to your current area. Your daughter is 16 and is old enough to understand that unfortunately due to financial reasons you can't stay in your current area.
She can commute to college and to see her friends and you have offered her a season ticket for the train.

The reality is that your moving further away from your job and friends also. I would tell her this and say this move will effect you also. Then if your moving to a cheaper area your mortgage will be less. You need to think as well about your own financial future and you want to put money aside for a pension at a later date.

Digdongdoo · 15/08/2025 10:52

Sounds like you've made your mind up. So she'll have to suck it up. But you'll have to be realistic about her reaction. She wont be happy any time soon, or possibly ever. Commuting to college isn't going to be much fun for her, nor is it going to be easy to see her friends. I'd encourage her to go to a local college instead.

RB68 · 15/08/2025 10:53

Have you thought of looking at a shared ownership house in the preferred area - the rents are lower than market prices for the unowned part. Although you have to watch the contract and the agency you use

ACynicalDad · 15/08/2025 10:54

Move, if you hold on in the rough area for two years she will want to stay behind if you move later. Move and she can make new friends at new college. If you can do it before college starts then brilliant (presuming she has to change college)

Wexone · 15/08/2025 10:55

VaseofViolets · 15/08/2025 10:39

We moved internationally when I was the same age. You might have thought it the end of the world when your parents moved a relatively short distance, other people just get on with it and thrive. Such is life, things change, parents have to make decisions. You’re assuming OP doesn’t realise the negative impact it could have on her DD when it could actually be a really positive one.

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I have just explained in another post that its was for me and still does in a way now am in mid 40's - i also moved countries too as well - - i think by time i was 21 i had moved something like 18 times - three primary schools and two secondary schools - Op doesn't know if it will or not, for me it was negatively
Parents have to make decisions but they need to take into account their children and how their decisions can impact them

Doglamp · 15/08/2025 10:56

But the 45 minute away house isn’t the only choice.
I’m not saying OP doesn’t get the ultimate choice but there is the option of staying in the same area albeit in a worse house in a supposedly rough area (subjective).
what will you do with your dogs while you’re both commuting 90 miles a day?

Original poster

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 10:57

Doglamp · 15/08/2025 10:56

But the 45 minute away house isn’t the only choice.
I’m not saying OP doesn’t get the ultimate choice but there is the option of staying in the same area albeit in a worse house in a supposedly rough area (subjective).
what will you do with your dogs while you’re both commuting 90 miles a day?

They will go to a dog day care or I'll get someone in morning and afternoon to walk them

OP posts:

Digdongdoo · 15/08/2025 10:59

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 10:57

They will go to a dog day care or I'll get someone in morning and afternoon to walk them

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Will you really be any better off after petrol, season tickets and dog sitters?!

Original poster

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 11:00

Digdongdoo · 15/08/2025 10:59

Will you really be any better off after petrol, season tickets and dog sitters?!

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Yes! My outgoings would be less than half of what they are now. Plus the dogs and petrol fees are only temporary until I get a new job.

OP posts:

Bollihobs · 15/08/2025 11:02

tripleginandtonic · 15/08/2025 09:32

Can't you hang in there for 2 more years?

🙄

WitchesofPainswick · 15/08/2025 11:02

I agree this is terrible timing and likely to have an impact on your relationship with your DD long term. Is there anyone else she can live with in the current area, e.g. dad?

Dinosaurshoebox · 15/08/2025 11:02

Wexone · 15/08/2025 10:51

Sorry ? I am explaining exactly how i felt as a 16 years old having to move - that is the reality check - i dont think i am lucky sorry, i moved alot as a child, parents made bad money choices and were never happy where they lived, always found some faults or were forced to move. When i was 16 i had lived in that house for 3 years, it was the longest time i had lived in one house by that stage of my life and had made good friends as started secondary school there - where i live we start at 12 - It was also in the middle of my exam year, it was advised not to move schools as it would disrupt it, we didnt have much public transport, i was driven to school by people my mother asked lifts from and she drove me if not, It was grand the 1st month then resentment started in, i missed the Christmas discos, cinema trips etc cause my mother wouldn't drive me, i was told after one row that she was close to driving off a cliff she was so fed up of driving me around, i struggled big time then in the years after to make friends and also with my further studies. It still resonates with me all these years later - now in my mid 40's and it hurts sometimes when i hear people saying oh we have been friends since secondary school as i don't have that. We only lasted two years in the next house and ended up moving twice more before i was 22, luckily i had met my boyfriend then ( now husband) and we moved in when was 24. Even to this day i hate moving. My parents have moved more times since then -living where they are now 10 years and i think that's the longest they have lived in one house in their whole lives, now retired and talking again to move
A reality check is when you have kids your actions affect them

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So 1. Nothing like OP
And 2. It's still not the end of the world. Some people need to get some perspective and stop mollycoddling young people.

Like I said, she can feel her feelings, she can have sympathy this is shit. But no, no demands, no oP having to ruin her life to accommodate her DDs social life.

KatherineParr · 15/08/2025 11:03

The lack of job would worry me to be honest. You could end up doing this commute for a very long time given the job market. Is it sustainable? 45 miles can have very different travel times depending on traffic where you are. Do you know what the job market is like for your skills locally?

It honestly doesn't sound like this move is going to work for either of you. Neither of you is going to be building roots/contacts in your new area, with you both commuting back multiple times a week. It's also not ideal for the dogs being left alone for that long. I would worry that you might end up still doing the commute in two years time, but with no support nearby. I know this doesn't give you an answer to the problem OP.

Dinosaurshoebox · 15/08/2025 11:04

Just out of curiosity. Is her father being over backwards? Stressing himself over this? Or it is just on you?

If she gets particularly stroppy id point out to both that he is a plan B and should have equal demands.

Swiftie1878 · 15/08/2025 11:04

WitchesofPainswick · 15/08/2025 11:02

I agree this is terrible timing and likely to have an impact on your relationship with your DD long term. Is there anyone else she can live with in the current area, e.g. dad?

She’s 16, not 6.
OP should be able to have a rational chat with her, explain the finances and SHOW her that the move is the best option for both of them. Make her a part of the solution rather than dictating, and she’ll be fine.
Kids only struggle when they feel like their life is out of their control.

Digdongdoo · 15/08/2025 11:05

Dinosaurshoebox · 15/08/2025 11:04

Just out of curiosity. Is her father being over backwards? Stressing himself over this? Or it is just on you?

If she gets particularly stroppy id point out to both that he is a plan B and should have equal demands.

Ah yes. That will help the DD. Pointing out that neither parent can provide her with stability... I'm sure that will make her feel much better!

Wexone · 15/08/2025 11:06

Dinosaurshoebox · 15/08/2025 11:02

So 1. Nothing like OP
And 2. It's still not the end of the world. Some people need to get some perspective and stop mollycoddling young people.

Like I said, she can feel her feelings, she can have sympathy this is shit. But no, no demands, no oP having to ruin her life to accommodate her DDs social life.

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No similar as i was same age op Daughter and it was longest we lived in the one house by time i was that age, i am explaining how i felt as a 16 years old having to move and still remember it - how is that so hard to understand ???????
Also now Op has updated she also commuting too - you dont know how tough commuting is on life
Good points @KatherineParr

Original poster

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 11:06

KatherineParr · 15/08/2025 11:03

The lack of job would worry me to be honest. You could end up doing this commute for a very long time given the job market. Is it sustainable? 45 miles can have very different travel times depending on traffic where you are. Do you know what the job market is like for your skills locally?

It honestly doesn't sound like this move is going to work for either of you. Neither of you is going to be building roots/contacts in your new area, with you both commuting back multiple times a week. It's also not ideal for the dogs being left alone for that long. I would worry that you might end up still doing the commute in two years time, but with no support nearby. I know this doesn't give you an answer to the problem OP.

I have no support nearby now. Its literally just me and dd in this town. Her dad lives in the middle of nowhere, she doesn't see his side of the family and my family live in the next county so in terms of support it makes no difference for either of us tbh.

As for jobs, in terms of what I do there are plenty but I'll just take anything I could get in the meantime, I'm not worried about that. It's dd I'm worried about

OP posts:

VaseofViolets · 15/08/2025 11:07

Wexone · 15/08/2025 10:55

I have just explained in another post that its was for me and still does in a way now am in mid 40's - i also moved countries too as well - - i think by time i was 21 i had moved something like 18 times - three primary schools and two secondary schools - Op doesn't know if it will or not, for me it was negatively
Parents have to make decisions but they need to take into account their children and how their decisions can impact them

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So your childhood was nothing like OP’s situation then, and is irrelevant to the discussion.

Sympathise with daughter’s feelings, sure. But adults have to make decisions that they feel are best for themselves and their children. They aren’t obligated to run themselves into the ground financially so their children suffer no inconvenience. OP has to move, so DD will have to suck it up.