Page 6 | For making dd16 move?

Clarasmum444 · 2025-08-15T07:38:58+00:00

Long story short I can't afford to live where I currently do for much longer. DD is 16 and is just about to start college. Our options are to stay in same town in a really bad area (one where I would not feel safe living and that's honestly not an exaggeration) where the house is horrible and will be the top of my budget so i wouldnt be able to afford to do it up, or move 45 miles away and have a lovely house in a nice area. DD would rather live in bad area, I wouldn't. She won't even discuss moving away and when I tried to explain my reasons yesterday she stormed off and it ended in an argument and now we're barely speaking. I understand her point but I just don't want to live in any of the options available to us in this town.

Original poster

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 11:08

Dinosaurshoebox · 15/08/2025 11:04

Just out of curiosity. Is her father being over backwards? Stressing himself over this? Or it is just on you?

If she gets particularly stroppy id point out to both that he is a plan B and should have equal demands.

It's just on me. Her dad told me his responsibility is to his new wife and her boys

OP posts:

numbfromlife · 15/08/2025 11:10

If you have to move to manage, you have to move, it's that simple. A life lesson for DD. Sometimes you do things you don't want to because you have to. Her father should be putting her first and helping her stay where she is for the next two years.

VaseofViolets · 15/08/2025 11:10

Wexone · 15/08/2025 11:06

No similar as i was same age op Daughter and it was longest we lived in the one house by time i was that age, i am explaining how i felt as a 16 years old having to move and still remember it - how is that so hard to understand ???????
Also now Op has updated she also commuting too - you dont know how tough commuting is on life
Good points @KatherineParr

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“You don’t know how tough commuting is on life”

This is just laughable! Talk about an overreaction….

Wexone · 15/08/2025 11:11

VaseofViolets · 15/08/2025 11:07

So your childhood was nothing like OP’s situation then, and is irrelevant to the discussion.

Sympathise with daughter’s feelings, sure. But adults have to make decisions that they feel are best for themselves and their children. They aren’t obligated to run themselves into the ground financially so their children suffer no inconvenience. OP has to move, so DD will have to suck it up.

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I think in some parts similar - i was explaining how i felt as a 16 year old moving and still remember it long into adulthood. Sometimes adults done make the best decisions and that has impact on life and also can have impact on their relationship with their children.

OxfordInkling · 15/08/2025 11:11

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 08:55

No, it's too expensive, the reason I have to move is because I can't afford the mortgage on my house anymore and rent here is double that of a mortgage.

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If you can’t afford it, you have to move. She will eventually understand that, but right now she doesn’t have the life experience.

Move to the safe place that you can afford.

ThejoyofNC · 15/08/2025 11:12

God people are acting like you're moving half way across the world. She hasn't even got to change college FFS.

jensondolally · 15/08/2025 11:13

Swiftie1878 · 15/08/2025 11:04

She’s 16, not 6.
OP should be able to have a rational chat with her, explain the finances and SHOW her that the move is the best option for both of them. Make her a part of the solution rather than dictating, and she’ll be fine.
Kids only struggle when they feel like their life is out of their control.

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It would be much easier if she was 6! I agree about getting the Dd involved in the planning but ultimately the 45min away move sounds non-moveable so it’s hard to see what the DD can have control over.

DrySherry · 15/08/2025 11:14

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 11:08

It's just on me. Her dad told me his responsibility is to his new wife and her boys

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That's pretty rough (assuming you didn't have an affair or anything like that).
Young people are usually more adaptable than you think. I hope it works out, she should be fine and from what you have said it seems you are making sensible choices with limited options.

Wexone · 15/08/2025 11:15

VaseofViolets · 15/08/2025 11:10

“You don’t know how tough commuting is on life”

This is just laughable! Talk about an overreaction….

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Really ??? You know my life inside and out ?
My mother when she moved told me that all the driving to see my friends etc when we moved - said it had a huge impact on her health and caused huge rows and issues
the op is making promises to her daughter to commute etc in the hope that makes her come around to moving when in reality once they move the commute becomes a hindrance and inconvenience and affects their day to day lives
There are posts on here every day nearly about how people struggle with commute to work, seeing parents once moving etc

KatherineParr · 15/08/2025 11:15

It depends on the commute. Could be an easy drive/train trip, could not be. We can't tell without knowing the locations. 🙄

VaseofViolets · 15/08/2025 11:15

Wexone · 15/08/2025 11:11

I think in some parts similar - i was explaining how i felt as a 16 year old moving and still remember it long into adulthood. Sometimes adults done make the best decisions and that has impact on life and also can have impact on their relationship with their children.

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It’s not similar at all. You moved around a lot, and resented your parents for it. OP’s DD hasn’t and yet you’re projecting all your negative feelings onto OP’s particular situation. Don’t hint that this could negatively impact her relationship with her DD in the future- that’s really low. OP isn’t your parent - don’t use her as a proxy for your feelings towards your parents.

Dinosaurshoebox · 15/08/2025 11:16

Digdongdoo · 15/08/2025 11:05

Ah yes. That will help the DD. Pointing out that neither parent can provide her with stability... I'm sure that will make her feel much better!

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At 16 she should be made aware of the decision at play, she should have some gratitude to the one parent who is doing everything in their power to hold shit together and as a result of understanding how shit the situation is and that her little teen angst isn't actually relevant be as supportive and helpful as possible as her options are fuck all.

Clareat2021 · 15/08/2025 11:16

OP it can't be helped,.sometimes it just is what it is, shit all round. Unless your DD has a solution then it's got to be done and you need to make the best decision that you can, her not wanting to move is understandable and in hindsight you probably should have done it sooner but it's done. You're just going to have to get on with it, be as understanding as you can be to her distress, ire etc. bite your tongue and crack on.

ThejoyofNC · 15/08/2025 11:16

Wexone · 15/08/2025 11:15

Really ??? You know my life inside and out ?
My mother when she moved told me that all the driving to see my friends etc when we moved - said it had a huge impact on her health and caused huge rows and issues
the op is making promises to her daughter to commute etc in the hope that makes her come around to moving when in reality once they move the commute becomes a hindrance and inconvenience and affects their day to day lives
There are posts on here every day nearly about how people struggle with commute to work, seeing parents once moving etc

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Can you stop trying to make this all about you. Your life was completely different. It's not helpful.

VaseofViolets · 15/08/2025 11:20

Wexone · 15/08/2025 11:15

Really ??? You know my life inside and out ?
My mother when she moved told me that all the driving to see my friends etc when we moved - said it had a huge impact on her health and caused huge rows and issues
the op is making promises to her daughter to commute etc in the hope that makes her come around to moving when in reality once they move the commute becomes a hindrance and inconvenience and affects their day to day lives
There are posts on here every day nearly about how people struggle with commute to work, seeing parents once moving etc

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I must have missed to the bit where I claimed to know your life inside out.

Again, massive overreaction on your part.

Life must be so difficult when you get this worked up over things. It’s moving house. Big deal. Worse things happen. No one’s died.

numbfromlife · 15/08/2025 11:20

Wexone · 15/08/2025 11:15

Really ??? You know my life inside and out ?
My mother when she moved told me that all the driving to see my friends etc when we moved - said it had a huge impact on her health and caused huge rows and issues
the op is making promises to her daughter to commute etc in the hope that makes her come around to moving when in reality once they move the commute becomes a hindrance and inconvenience and affects their day to day lives
There are posts on here every day nearly about how people struggle with commute to work, seeing parents once moving etc

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That's fine if you have the luxury of choice. OP's not moving for the heck of it. She doesn't have a choice. If anyone should be held as the bad guy her it's the child's father who is forcing this situation.

Wexone · 15/08/2025 11:21

VaseofViolets · 15/08/2025 11:15

It’s not similar at all. You moved around a lot, and resented your parents for it. OP’s DD hasn’t and yet you’re projecting all your negative feelings onto OP’s particular situation. Don’t hint that this could negatively impact her relationship with her DD in the future- that’s really low. OP isn’t your parent - don’t use her as a proxy for your feelings towards your parents.

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i am not hinting am explaining my point of view - its an open forum for everyone - people are explaining different point of views and their opinions
I dont resent my parents for moving a lot - i resent them moving when i was 16 as this is where it had a huge impact on my life. I was promissed noting would change that they would bring me to school to see friends etc , Just like the OP is saying to her daughter, IT DIDNT HAPPEN! It was too much for my mother, i lost friends and struggled because of it

skyeisthelimit · 15/08/2025 11:22

OP, if you have to move for financial reasons, then you have no choice and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about it.

If DD's relationship becomes more serious, then she will probably end up staying at her boyfriends on her college days. She may move in with him completely, my friend's daughter did.

You have to do what is right for you financially and DD just has to work around it. I get that it is sad for her, but you don't have a choice.

Dinosaurshoebox · 15/08/2025 11:23

Wexone · 15/08/2025 11:21

i am not hinting am explaining my point of view - its an open forum for everyone - people are explaining different point of views and their opinions
I dont resent my parents for moving a lot - i resent them moving when i was 16 as this is where it had a huge impact on my life. I was promissed noting would change that they would bring me to school to see friends etc , Just like the OP is saying to her daughter, IT DIDNT HAPPEN! It was too much for my mother, i lost friends and struggled because of it

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Exactly. She tried. It was to much for her.
As an adult you should be able to understand the role of adults and that a single 16 year old isnt the most important part of a family. She had a life as well and more to do than you.

chattychatchatty · 15/08/2025 11:25

I feel for you but I don’t see how you are being unreasonable at all; it’s a difficult situation and you’re doing what you have to do. Of course she’s upset at the idea of moving but she’s too young to understand your situation properly; that’s why she’s giving you a hard time. Sounds like you’re accommodating her as best you can. Good luck with the move.

numbfromlife · 15/08/2025 11:25

Wexone · 15/08/2025 11:21

i am not hinting am explaining my point of view - its an open forum for everyone - people are explaining different point of views and their opinions
I dont resent my parents for moving a lot - i resent them moving when i was 16 as this is where it had a huge impact on my life. I was promissed noting would change that they would bring me to school to see friends etc , Just like the OP is saying to her daughter, IT DIDNT HAPPEN! It was too much for my mother, i lost friends and struggled because of it

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You think your mother didn't lose friends and have to make sacrifices when you moved?

If it was their choice, then I can understand you feel negative about it. If it was necessity, then you'll have to grow up and realise that your parents did the best they could with the resources they had.

Aspidistree · 15/08/2025 11:26

It sounds like it's simply not optional. It's understandable, even reasonable that she is acting out and doing everything she can to stop you moving. Without underestimating the impact AT ALL, if it has to happen it has to happen.

I'm mystified though that you are moving so far away and not moving her college. This sounds like one of those situations where the compromise makes you both miserable and you'd be better either closer, to reduce the commute, or further and accepting the change of college.

Sixth form is such a weird time. Two years somewhere new and then a lot of them move away anyway. It's discombobulating for them all even if they are not moving house. But 18 year olds with boyfriends still go away to uni. Maybe encourage her to think of this like the start of uni, but happening early, and try to move colleges and set up a long distance structure with BF. It might help her to think with him about planning to go to the same uni in 2 years (if that is what they want).

Also everyone can have 3 years' funding at college. It would not be the end of the world if she tried college with the commute - or a college local to the new house - this year and it didn't work out. She could start A level/BTEC courses again in 2026 somewhere else. I would try to normalise with her that it's OK if plan A doesn't work, there will be another way.

godmum56 · 15/08/2025 11:29

Doglamp · 15/08/2025 08:56

It’s 45 miles not 45 minutes.
Personally I wouldn’t move my dd at this age. If she’s happy with the shit house in the shit area I’d go with that until she’s finished college.

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if it was just shit then maybe but the OP says its unsafe. I don't think that 16 yo's generally are capable of making safety judgements.

Original poster

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 11:29

Aspidistree · 15/08/2025 11:26

It sounds like it's simply not optional. It's understandable, even reasonable that she is acting out and doing everything she can to stop you moving. Without underestimating the impact AT ALL, if it has to happen it has to happen.

I'm mystified though that you are moving so far away and not moving her college. This sounds like one of those situations where the compromise makes you both miserable and you'd be better either closer, to reduce the commute, or further and accepting the change of college.

Sixth form is such a weird time. Two years somewhere new and then a lot of them move away anyway. It's discombobulating for them all even if they are not moving house. But 18 year olds with boyfriends still go away to uni. Maybe encourage her to think of this like the start of uni, but happening early, and try to move colleges and set up a long distance structure with BF. It might help her to think with him about planning to go to the same uni in 2 years (if that is what they want).

Also everyone can have 3 years' funding at college. It would not be the end of the world if she tried college with the commute - or a college local to the new house - this year and it didn't work out. She could start A level/BTEC courses again in 2026 somewhere else. I would try to normalise with her that it's OK if plan A doesn't work, there will be another way.

Honestly, I'd rather she did change college because it would make her life easier and she'd make new friends in the local area but she didn't want to which is fair enough so the compromise was that she can commute.

OP posts:

Jaws2025 · 15/08/2025 11:29

I would stay put for the year or two of college. And until dd could get her driving licence.