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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For making dd16 move?

244 replies

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 08:38

Long story short I can't afford to live where I currently do for much longer. DD is 16 and is just about to start college. Our options are to stay in same town in a really bad area (one where I would not feel safe living and that's honestly not an exaggeration) where the house is horrible and will be the top of my budget so i wouldnt be able to afford to do it up, or move 45 miles away and have a lovely house in a nice area. DD would rather live in bad area, I wouldn't. She won't even discuss moving away and when I tried to explain my reasons yesterday she stormed off and it ended in an argument and now we're barely speaking. I understand her point but I just don't want to live in any of the options available to us in this town.

OP posts:
Purplebunnie · 15/08/2025 12:11

Not read the full thread but can you extend the term of your mortgage to reduce your current payments? If I have understood correctly you have to sell in 2 years when your daughter reaches 18 but a lot can happen in 2 years, better paying job etc etc

BunnyLake · 15/08/2025 12:13

Jaws2025 · 15/08/2025 11:29

I would stay put for the year or two of college. And until dd could get her driving licence.

Are you going to be paying towards her mortgage in that two years, otherwise how will that work?

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 12:13

Purplebunnie · 15/08/2025 12:11

Not read the full thread but can you extend the term of your mortgage to reduce your current payments? If I have understood correctly you have to sell in 2 years when your daughter reaches 18 but a lot can happen in 2 years, better paying job etc etc

Possibly we could extend (hadnt thought of that, thank you!)but with ex's share of equity and value of the mortgage I would need to borrow about £190k and even with a better paying job I would never be able to borrow that much!

OP posts:
Thatsalineallright · 15/08/2025 12:14

You need to make good financial decisions for your own long-term best interest. Buying a shitty house in a run-down area is not a smart financial decision.

Will your teenager be paying the mortgage? Or helping you with your pension later on? Or buying you a shiny new house when she's left home? I'm assuming the answer is no, in which case she simply doesn't get a vote.

numbfromlife · 15/08/2025 12:16

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 12:10

The commute would be 1hr 13mins, one straight through train. Back up route if there are delays but both are far from ideal obviously.
On exam days I will either book annual leave and drive her in, she could stay at a friend's or possibly her dad might help.
The commute would be HER CHOICE though, she could change to the local one anytime.

I did that commute every single day of my high school life. It wasn't a big deal at all. I commuted for exams too.

W0tnow · 15/08/2025 12:18

Thatsalineallright · 15/08/2025 12:14

You need to make good financial decisions for your own long-term best interest. Buying a shitty house in a run-down area is not a smart financial decision.

Will your teenager be paying the mortgage? Or helping you with your pension later on? Or buying you a shiny new house when she's left home? I'm assuming the answer is no, in which case she simply doesn't get a vote.

I agree. Mothers don’t uproot their kids or disrupt their life for shits and giggles. She needs to understand that.

Purplebunnie · 15/08/2025 12:28

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 12:13

Possibly we could extend (hadnt thought of that, thank you!)but with ex's share of equity and value of the mortgage I would need to borrow about £190k and even with a better paying job I would never be able to borrow that much!

Sorry, it was a long shot.

SummerFeverVenice · 15/08/2025 12:28

A 1hr and 15min commute 3x a week is nothing. You’d be doing the same commute for work so not asking her to do anything you wouldn’t do.
If her friends aren’t worth that, they’re not that close or good friends.

YANBU to go now that she has finished GCSEs. It was a big sacrifice for you to wait so her education wasn’t interrupted.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/08/2025 12:30

Could she board on week days? We hosted overseas A level students for our local sixth form college some years ago. The college may be able to put you in touch with potential host families.

AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 15/08/2025 12:33

Jaws2025 · 15/08/2025 11:29

I would stay put for the year or two of college. And until dd could get her driving licence.

Do you not understand that people can't all magic money out of thin air?

lessglittermoremud · 15/08/2025 12:42

I would move, your daughter is 16 and able to access public transport to get to where she wants to go to.
I went to a college that wasn’t local due to the courses they offered, I commuted an hour twice a day and many people stayed onsite at 16 during term time because the commute is too far.
You need to get your ex off your back and sort stuff out so you can now live life too. It sounds like you’ve had an awful time, have had to really stretch yourself and also put up with a husband who has chosen another family over his own.
If this was her gcse year I would say stay where you are until she finished them but she has done them. She isn’t suddenly going to want to move so you’ll gain nothing by staying in an area you hate because she’ll be off doing her thing in a couple of years and you would have sunk your available money into staying.
I found myself saying a phrase recently that I swore I’d never say after hearing my parents say it after an argument with my eldest, which was basically when he was earning his own money he could choose what he did with it, how to spend his time etc but whilst he still has to rely on us he has to compromise with family members. (Although my parents were a lot more blunt about it)
Move, start your new life x

IAmQuiteNiceActually · 15/08/2025 12:43

Why are people acting as if the OP has a choice? This is life as a single mother with no support from the father (because it's almost always that way around). You're constantly in situations where a decision has to be made but both options are pretty rubbish - just that one is slightly less rubbish.

And then you have people pointing out that you have a history of making bad decisions.

It's utterly stupid to suggest that the op moves to the crap area or to a flat for two years. That would be thousands of pounds down the drain.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbaam · 15/08/2025 12:45

Just do it.

I had everything lined up to move (at DD’s request too, no less) and then she backed out last minute because of college, friends, etc. In the meantime with the cost of living, I just can’t afford to be thinking about moving for at least 2 years.

DD is now in uni and she’s the first to say that it was pointless, she barely talks to her college friends anyways as everyone has moved on to different things.

ThejoyofNC · 15/08/2025 12:45

AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 15/08/2025 12:33

Do you not understand that people can't all magic money out of thin air?

I must say I found this one particularly amusing. Not just that she magically summons the money to stay, but she was also meant to find funding for driving lessons/test/car/insurance. Most financially comfortable families can't afford this these days.

childofthe607080s · 15/08/2025 12:45

Sit down with her
show her the numbers
ask for her suggestions for something you can both put up with
let her know it’s not ideal

she won’t realise it but friendship groups change so much over the next few years and many children have less than ideal situations thrown at them so she will be ok

Bingbopboomboomboombopbaam · 15/08/2025 12:46

@IAmQuiteNiceActually plus it would be two women living alone in a bad area - absolutely not if it can be avoided, especially for the teenager.

OhHellolittleone · 15/08/2025 12:47

Dinosaurshoebox · 15/08/2025 10:15

No she doesn't.
Of course DD can have her feelings. But at the end of the day its tough shit.
There are bigger things in life than teenage wants and DD isn't the most important part here.

I wouldnt even be doing this ridiculous pandering, certainly no promises of driving XYZ.
Theres a train station
She can use it or not go.
She is moving to a place OP chooses best suits her finacial needs and future.

Gosh I’m glad you’re not my mam.

Tulipvase · 15/08/2025 12:51

Just A thought but have you taken a potential increase in mortgage rates into consideration? Reducing your outgoings by half must mean a huge difference in house prices.

MinnieCauldwell · 15/08/2025 12:52

OhHellolittleone · 15/08/2025 12:47

Gosh I’m glad you’re not my mam.

What an awful comment, op is a lone parent stuck between a rock and a hard place, her DC is old enough to understand this and actually give her mum some support.

TheLivelyViper · 15/08/2025 12:53

W0tnow · 15/08/2025 12:18

I agree. Mothers don’t uproot their kids or disrupt their life for shits and giggles. She needs to understand that.

Exactly I moved a lot during my childhood like at least once a year which was more difficult but even when I was young 6,7,8 I wasn't complaining because I knew it wasn't out of fun for my parents but necessity, they needed to have a place where they could afford the rent and many times landlords wanted to sell houses so we had to leave and sometimes if prices were too high that meant quite far away, new schools, new friends etc. But we adapted, became good at making new friends and going into mew environments, even now I'm someone who loves to move around and cannot imagine staying in one place more than a few years as I think I'd be bored which is likely due to my childhood. I moved consistently and went to dozens of schools (mainly primary but into early secondary as well), while it was sometimes difficult, you get on with it, and it was a choice between having a place to live or perhaps no place for us and we knew there wasn't the money she's 16, I understood this much younger and I'm sure she can now.

You can have empathy for her acknowledge it's slightly shit with her BF but that if she makes plans and they care about each they'll make it work. Also I think train travel to school will be fine I did it for 6th form, get into a routine of getting the early train, so if there's one at 8:20 but if that's delayed you'll be late, get into getting the one at 7:40, plus it gives you extra study time which for me when doing 4 A-levels was pretty valuable in the mornings when not many other people would be there and it was quite, so I got a lot done. Plus she's only doing 3 days, which yes is hard and and she'll have work to do outside of that, but I did 4 A-levels, 5 days a week and even with study periods there's stuff you need to do in your own time, if she plans out a good schedule she'll have loads of time for friends and not neglect her schooling. I'd get her to seriously consider a new college though, lots of people change college or 6th form to a place where they don't know people and there can be benefits of new teachers and new and different people as well. Is it slightly scary yes, but loads of people will be new and from different places, so she'll fit right in. If she doesn't want to do that, that's also fine, familiarity is nice as well. Honestly she'll be fine @Clarasmum444 it's a hard decision, she's sad so let her feel what she feels, perhaps she thought you may not actually do it as its just been a thought for 4 years whereas for me, it was so quick every time there wasn't time to argue. Be there for her and do what you need to do regardless which is move.

purplecorkheart · 15/08/2025 12:55

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 12:10

The commute would be 1hr 13mins, one straight through train. Back up route if there are delays but both are far from ideal obviously.
On exam days I will either book annual leave and drive her in, she could stay at a friend's or possibly her dad might help.
The commute would be HER CHOICE though, she could change to the local one anytime.

Lots of people I used to go to University with used to do that commute daily. If it is a train that she can get a seat on it is an hours study time each way. She could get a lot of reading etc done that way.

OhHellolittleone · 15/08/2025 12:55

MinnieCauldwell · 15/08/2025 12:52

What an awful comment, op is a lone parent stuck between a rock and a hard place, her DC is old enough to understand this and actually give her mum some support.

Not awful at all. The person I replied to is incredibly uncaring toward the child. I wasn’t meaning the OP. I meant the commented that said ‘though shit’ in response to my comment that the OP should understand it’s hard for her child and find ways to make it easier, even if they do need to move. As a parent I would always want to minimise the impact on my child even if there is a certain amount of ‘putting up’ she has to do!

SalonDesRefuses · 15/08/2025 12:55

I think some people are being a bit harsh. OP has obviously tried her best to manage the situation re. finances, and it can no longer be managed.

No one in their right mind would want their 16 year old living in an area rife with gangs and drugs.

They will have a better life with more expendable income.

It is completely natural the DD will be upset over this, that doesn't mean it's not the right decision. An hour commute isn't really that long (my 16 year old does an hour on the bus), and it's a straight train. Time on the train can even be spent catching up with college work so there's less to do at home

It'll be a big change but with her still having connections to where you are now, it's not quite as bad and it's highly likely she'll soon settle in.

It's a shame her other parent doesn't care as much!

Also, if you buy in a bad area, who says you'll be able to sell and move elsewhere after 2 years of college?

Clarasmum444 · 15/08/2025 12:57

Tulipvase · 15/08/2025 12:51

Just A thought but have you taken a potential increase in mortgage rates into consideration? Reducing your outgoings by half must mean a huge difference in house prices.

Yes all taken into account, I've been and seen a mortgage broker etc. There is a massive difference in house prices between the areas.

OP posts:
Teenytwo · 15/08/2025 13:00

What a shit situation for you! Is ex just an ex partner or an ex husband? Just wondering if there’s a way to avoid it being 50:50 and you not having to give as much from the house, even if you still have to move owing him less would be better for you. Is he paying child maintenance?