For making dd16 move?

[Clarasmum444]

Long story short I can't afford to live where I currently do for much longer. DD is 16 and is just about to start college. Our options are to stay in same town in a really bad area (one where I would not feel safe living and that's honestly not an exaggeration) where the house is horrible and will be the top of my budget so i wouldnt be able to afford to do it up, or move 45 miles away and have a lovely house in a nice area. DD would rather live in bad area, I wouldn't. She won't even discuss moving away and when I tried to explain my reasons yesterday she stormed off and it ended in an argument and now we're barely speaking. I understand her point but I just don't want to live in any of the options available to us in this town.

A lot of people are reading "45 minutes" but this is 45 MILES so totally uprooting DD for a potentially 1-2 hour train journey just to see her friends.

OP, you'd only have to leave this another 18 months. I would do anything to give her stability.

It's hard to see how shit-area house is more expensive than nice house/area + dog sitters + petrol + annual railcard.

She can’t afford it.

I had to move half way through 6th form. Long commute by train thereafter until I moved for uni.
It was a financial/work related move for my parents too and taught me that sometimes you have to live by your means however tough it is.
I'd not move to a horrible part of town as you'll struggle to sell in 2 years.
Sounds like you've stayed put for 4 years so she could finish high school and she's known this will happen. She will probably spend quite a bit of time staying at freinds now in the old town. But if you have to move then you have to.

It really is unsafe, gangs, knife crime, drugs etc. I don't know anyone who would even walk through there let alone live there through choice.
Also the houses for sale are run down so even if I bought one I wouldn't be able to make it nice as they're all at the very top of my budget.

You financing that big guns?

Life isn't perfect and sometimes you do what you have to do. If not now, one day DD should understand.

Because 45 miles makes a world of difference in regards to the house prices around here....

I've done my research into the costings of EVERYTHING!

Sometimes all the choices are shit choices. All you can do is choose the least shit choice. I hope you can get your daughter to understand this.

What a strangely aggressive comment.
If dd is so keen to stay, she could get a part time job and contribute to the household finances.
One thing I am sure of is that there won't just be the two options the OP has given. They need to look for a compromise. And give Dd some time to process - she might come around.

At 16 I doubt whether her contribution would make enough difference. Where I live, around 10 miles difference would double the price of my house, its all about location.

Yeah I'm sure... It sounds like you are doing a lot right and are trying to make it work for her. If you have had the conversation and reached the compromise that should be the end of it. 45 miles is a long way, both for the commute and the BF.

Best of luck with your job hunting and your new life in LovelyTown. The brave things are not the easy ones.

Just to add, even if by some miracle I did limp along financially for another 2 years I'd still have the same problem! DD wont want to move and Ex p wants his money as soon as dd is 18 and even if I worked double the hours I do now I still wouldn't be able to get a mortgage able to buy him out! It would be worse if anything because his share of the equity would probably have increased

Nails it.

That just doesn't make sense OP. How can house prices be so high in the ghetto you're describing?

If you can't afford to stay where you are then you have no choice but to move. I understand that it is upsetting for your daughter but, as the parent and the one earning the money, you need to make the final decision.

I would perhaps get legal advice if he's not willing to contribute to addressing repairs in the house or paying for it's upkeep, I'd find out if he's entitled to less. He sounds like an arsehole.

But in two years DD will have finished local education and can forge her own path/leave for uni. It would make far more sense (and if for some reason she WANTS to stay, it will give her the incentive to leave the nest!!). You can also get a smaller house then.

What a strangley useless and terrible comment.

Part time job 😂 in education. When OP has clearly stated the financial struggles she's facing.

My God some of you need to start exploring comedy.

They're not high but they are high for my budget.

This is a very sad situation for you and your dd.
sounds like you are doing your absolute best to find the least bad solution
It sounds like dd doesn’t really know/understand that part of this is due to her father prioritising his ‘new’ family and wanting his share of the house equity. so she’s frustrated with you and you are unfairly having to take the consequences -
just wanted to acknowledge that really.
(If he was even a half decent father he would do right by her at least until she is 18)

He is an arsehole! I want to take legal advice but I can't afford it. I have 30mins free with a solicitor booked soon but after that it's £300 an hour 😭

YABVU.

Thats a major disruption during her course! Its highly likely to disrupt her learning and have a negative impact on her results.

45 miles is a horrific commute to get to collage- I was only 10 miles out from my colage but public transport would take a nminimum of an hour. and that was back when buses ran every 20 minutes.
I missed several mock exams at one point because they started at 9am and the busses were delayed.

You still also haven't answered the question of how long is her commute?

I ended up having to sleep in the library (again 15 years ago it was open 24/7- -not anymore) for my actual exams!

Have you got a back up plan for if (read When) the trains are on strike? or when they get delayed?

Discounting the boyfriend - I really wouldnt be moving her at this stage.
or - is there a friend or other family member that she can stay with/at on her collage days - especially around exam times

Have you RTFT?

It happens. I moved age 10, age 11, age 13, age 17 plus all the other times before that, sometimes I was at a school for just 8 weeks
this was London area to Lancashire so not even close by
wasn’t ideal but it was ok in the end

The commute would be 1hr 13mins, one straight through train. Back up route if there are delays but both are far from ideal obviously.
On exam days I will either book annual leave and drive her in, she could stay at a friend's or possibly her dad might help.
The commute would be HER CHOICE though, she could change to the local one anytime.