For making dd16 move?

[Clarasmum444]

Long story short I can't afford to live where I currently do for much longer. DD is 16 and is just about to start college. Our options are to stay in same town in a really bad area (one where I would not feel safe living and that's honestly not an exaggeration) where the house is horrible and will be the top of my budget so i wouldnt be able to afford to do it up, or move 45 miles away and have a lovely house in a nice area. DD would rather live in bad area, I wouldn't. She won't even discuss moving away and when I tried to explain my reasons yesterday she stormed off and it ended in an argument and now we're barely speaking. I understand her point but I just don't want to live in any of the options available to us in this town.

But do you not see why it’s a huge issue for her? A massive commute to see her friends. Any time she wants to do something she’s bound by the train times. She can’t do anything in the evening, in the winter etc.

But surely you won’t be able to facilitate her seeing boyfriend and friends as much or as easily as she can now?
If there’s no alternative then I guess she’s got to suck it up but what you see as a ‘nice life’ will be different from her version!

Has she got any savings u could ask to use and eventually pay back after her course has finished and u have sold ur house? I wouldn't have had any at 16, but i know there's quite a few mumsnetters who are not short of money. I hope u find a resolution.

45 minutes isn't that far, there are students at my son's sixth form from almost as far away. I think the move is ok, she can still carry on the same course and if you get a house near the train station it's not that much upheaval really. It's not ideal, but she will get used to it and in a year or so she might be able to have driving lessons.

Youre the adult and the one paying for the roof over her head, you decide where that roof is.

Yes it sucks but it’s life. If she still misses home in a year or two she’ll be old enough to have a job and rent her own place there.

Acknowledge her feelings but also do it if it's needed, I had a train journey (with only 1 train an hour) to my 6th form every day with a train around 10 past 7 and it was 40ish minutes, I learnt to do work when needed or watch videos etc and sometimes rest. You get used to it, and also as someone who moved a lot as a child, like multiple primary schools in a year sometimes and definitely at a different school most years of primary and early secondary, she'll be fine, kids are resilient and there are some skills to be gained, I think as an adult I'm great at going into random situations as I never really had one childhood home (we rented) and I constantly had to make friends everywhere I went, I did also go to a different 6th form than my main secondary (3 and half years there, well 4 but covid) and it was difficult but also good for me to do and I'm glad I did, it's good having different people and teachers to push you and get different perspectives. It's tough hearing it initially but then it happens and you fall back into the swing of life, as long as the trains work out (I'd check in advance), she wouldn't be too far away from her friends and there's loads of ways to still keep in contact with them.

You have no choice but to move, sad though that is I think you need to explain the actual reality of the situation. Buying something in the cheap local rough area would be ridiculous, she could drop out of college and finish with the BF at anytime. You will then have the expense of a second move.

I think at 16 she is old enough to understand the reality of the situation.

If not. Maybe she could work PT whilst at college and help with the mortgage. I had to work FT at 16 to pay my parents.

It's 45 miles not 45 minutes.
How long will.her journey take door to door?
OP does she have anyone else she can stay with during the week so life will be easier for her a relative or close friend ?
45 miles away from college and all your friends is a long way. Trains are not always reliable especially in the winter when cancellations can be frequent and presumably she has a bus ride from the train station to college and her friends houses on top of the train journey.
I can understand how your daughter feels. It will.be extremely disruptive for her at at what is already a time of great change in her life

She will be ok, if the trains 45 minutes that’s not bad, I used to travel an hour and a half each way to school, we all did, I loved the independence, a train is much quicker than a bus, get the nicer home and be safe, have room for her friends to come stay and get her involved in the house hunt.

oh just saw it’s 45 miles, it sure what that is time wise?

Is a town 45 miles away really the only option? Nothing closer that would be acceptable to you?

A lodger for two years? You might find a nurse or someone you feel safe having in your house (if you have a spare room).

Ignore this I’ve just googled what is 45 miles from me and it’s not as far as I thought 🤦🏻‍♀️

Oh. Thank you - I misread!

There is no way I would be moving to a bad area to keep my own teenager happy. They don’t understand the reality of what that’s actually going to be like.

it doesn’t sound like you’re being unreasonable, however, be prepared for her to simply start living with her boyfriend and potentially fucking up her college course. That’s just the reality of the situation

Well it sounds as if you don’t have any choice but to move. Is the ‘rough’ area really as bad as you think it is? Usually, if an estate or whatever has a bad name, there’s still decent people that live there too!
Or is her dad around? Could she stay with him or a family member?
Ultimately, you’re the one who will be paying the mortgage, so you go where you want to but I can understand why she doesn’t want to move away. It’s a tricky one.

Could you rent out rooms in your home to help you stay put?

This. You re acting as though your daughter is being totally unreasonable and should just roll over and say ok, sure, when this is a major disruption to her life. Of course she will be upset that she will be miles from her friends and boyfriend, getting up at the crack of dawn to get to college and unable to do any evening activities. Anyone would be.

I think approaching defaulting on your mortgage and trying to maintain a roof over their heads is the bigger issue!

She's 16, feelings run high about everything but, this is real life adult stuff. Serious issues that need a maintainable solution. Do you not see that decisions cannot be made based on DDs new boyfriend?

The rest of your stuff is just speculation "she can't do anything in the Winter, in the evening" - OP has just said better area is 45 miles away not that it's in the middle of nowhere, it may well offer lots of social opportunities for DD!

Is there anywhere in your current location where she could rent a room at least in the week? It's such a difficult time to move locations.

She’s already said she can continue to go to the same college but will need to commute

What are you basing your assessment of the bad area on? Do you know anyone who lives there? Does your dd?

The timing does seem monumentally bad for her. Are there really no alternatives for the next two years of college?

Taking a lodger in your current home? Renting your house out and renting somewhere smaller for you and DD? Mortgage break (obviously not for the full two years)? Her getting a PT job and contributing financially?

It’s 45 miles, not 45 minutes. I get that you have no choice @Clarasmum444 but really you can’t expect her to be happy about it. Moving 45 miles away from her friends, her college and her boyfriend is a huge disruption. Realistically commuting to college is going to add hours onto her day, and her friendships will start to fall by the wayside and if she’s commuting to college there will be limited options for making new friends where she lives.

If there’s no option but to move, then that’s what needs to happen but you need to accept that will have a huge impact on your daughter that she’s entitled to have her feelings about.

45 miles is a lot to do both ends of the day. Realistically how long will her commute take each way, factoring in walking time, and a margin for getting on to the platform without it being a mad rush?
How frequent are the trains - i.e. how much of her morning lectures will she miss if her regular train is cancelled?
How safe is the walk to/from the station at each end for a 16 year old to do on her own in the dark in winter, if some weirdo notices she takes the same train every night?
Would she be better off deferring, working a temp job for a few months, and starting college in the new town next year, or is she likely to go off the rails a bit (sorry no pun intended) in the meantime?

Can't you hang in there for 2 more years?