For making dd16 move?

[Clarasmum444]

Long story short I can't afford to live where I currently do for much longer. DD is 16 and is just about to start college. Our options are to stay in same town in a really bad area (one where I would not feel safe living and that's honestly not an exaggeration) where the house is horrible and will be the top of my budget so i wouldnt be able to afford to do it up, or move 45 miles away and have a lovely house in a nice area. DD would rather live in bad area, I wouldn't. She won't even discuss moving away and when I tried to explain my reasons yesterday she stormed off and it ended in an argument and now we're barely speaking. I understand her point but I just don't want to live in any of the options available to us in this town.

16 year olds can't really see beyond the end of today. In her little world she'll be planning her life with new boyfriend and her friends around her, 2 years of catching a train, will seem like forever to her. Whereas we have the experience to know that it passes in a flash. I don't think she's being manipulative, I think she's just being a 16yr old.

However, Is there really nothing at all closer than 45 miles away? 45 miles in either direction gives a circle of 90miles around your current location and, in most areas of the UK, that probably includes several towns.

@Clarasmum444 it's all very well for people to say this is a crap time for your daughter , you know it's not great but life isn't great sometimes, you're doing your best and it will all work out, she will likely be driving soon and 45 miles will be nothing. You're obviously going through a tough time, go easy on yourself ❤️

No one who has known the stress of living in a bad area would recommend it as long as there's an alternative. Unless its suddenly gentrified you'll make a loss on the house when she leaves home and you want to sell. Its not the cheaper option because you don't intend to stay, so you can't afford to move there.

No she doesn't.
Of course DD can have her feelings. But at the end of the day its tough shit.
There are bigger things in life than teenage wants and DD isn't the most important part here.

I wouldnt even be doing this ridiculous pandering, certainly no promises of driving XYZ.
Theres a train station
She can use it or not go.
She is moving to a place OP chooses best suits her finacial needs and future.

I know what you mean by there being something closer but the reality is any move is going to be disruptive so if @Clarasmum444 has s place in mind where she’ll be happy long term it’s better to bite the bullet now. It sounds like a move forced by circumstance with a lot of loss all round, so best to go for what will work long term than make a short term compromise that isn’t great for anyone.

Im sure she'll stop complaining and want to move if the house gets robbed, she gets attacked on her way home and mobile phone stolen or heaven forbid, something worse....
She's still a child and reacting with a child's brain and lack of understanding.
You're the adult, so you make adult decisions until she is old enough to support herself and make her own choices.

It's a long way! An hour and a half drive to get to anything 45 miles away from me, and over an hour on the train not including the time to get to and from stations either end.

OP YABVU. This is a terrible time to uproot her and so far away, can you look at getting a lodger or a second job?

45 miles is a crazy distance. I commuted 33 miles for uni and it was bad enough.

Do you hear yourself?
Do people who post this rubbish actually agree with it or are you doing some kind of comedic act?
I'm genuinely asking becuase I can't believe people like you are real and function in the same society I do.

Get a bloody lodger and a seconded job?!

I don't know what posters are expecting you to do when you literally can't afford to keep your home. It sounds like a really difficult time for you, and I'm sure your DC will be okay.

I think the AI overview on google was my downfall… I just looked up the radius on the map and it’s as far as I originally thought 🤦🏻‍♀️
I wouldn’t be happy moving that fair but I understand you think you have no choice OP. But I’ll make my original point - is there nowhere closer than 45 miles you could move to?

Then you need to move and she needs to understand.

Don’t be so stupid. Invite a stranger into the child’s home, and suggesting OP gets a second job, all so DD isn’t inconvenienced? What absolute madness. And cruel to suggest OP should work even harder than she already does.

We have a 2 bedroom house so no to a lodger. Even if I got a second job I wouldn't earn enough to buy her dad out (we still own the house 50/50) and take over the mortgage. Plus where I've struggled to pay for everything so I could keep her in the same high school a lot of repairs need doing in the house which I would never be able to afford. Even though the house is jointly owned her dad will not help in anyway, he just wants his 50% equity.

It is a spectacularly shit time for her to have to move. Of course if you've absolutely no choice, then you've no choice, but I wouldn't count on her being pleased about it any time soon.
I would be doing absolutely anything to avoid it at this point though, extend mortgage, few extra shifts, DD gets a job and pays some rent, downsize to a flat...

Sorry but you wont- life will get in the way and you will be exhausted from driving and cribbing about costs - you will have blazing rows
I know cause my own parents did exactly what you are planning to do when i was your childs age and that exactly what happened after we moved, honestly you dont realise the fact it has on children moving at that age

No I'm not suggesting a seven day week at all. Just pointing out that she has 4 days not at college within which time she could take a bit of part time work to help out. I totally understand why some would disagree with the idea - but maybe it's a way to find a compromise if she is mature enough to understand the situation and willing to start to help with household costs. The situation sounds far from ideal, if needs must and it satisfied her being able to stay though ?

Op needs to move to where she is happy. In 2 years DD could piss off to anywhere in the world with Uni or other choices and OP is the one stuck somewhere she only chose because of a very tiny temporary interest her daughter had in 1. A school she'll finish soon and 2. A boy. And its always the case these relationships at 16 are so very lifelong....

OP will be there longer, OP will be the one paying. So if OP has chosen this location then its because she has decided its the best option.

@Digdongdoo

You’d downsize to a flat from a two bedroom house? And you think a teenager will be happy with that idea too?

......its moving in a first world country to another place with privilege.
Honestly, some people need to check how bloody lucky they are.

Yes? What's so awful about a flat? I'd rather do that than move a 16 year old. I'd certainly consider it. It's not as though the teenager will be playing in the garden.

At 16 she will just have to lump it and move with you. If you think the area would be too dangerous for you I would think it would be doubly so for her as a teenage girl. I think you just have to be firm, it's not a choice the decision has been made.

We moved internationally when I was the same age. You might have thought it the end of the world when your parents moved a relatively short distance, other people just get on with it and thrive. Such is life, things change, parents have to make decisions. You’re assuming OP doesn’t realise the negative impact it could have on her DD when it could actually be a really positive one.

The other possibility is that OP's DD leaves home as quickly as possible because she doesn't like the new area (possibly returning to where they are currently living) and then OP is left in the new area by herself, without the benefit of having existing employment/social links. It is very difficult to know how this will play out long term.

OP, do you have a job lined up in this new area?

Oh no, is there anything worse than moving house as a teenager? /s

I wouldn’t be allowing my DDs feelings about it to sway me to that extent. It’s ludicrous. Adults make the decisions, kids have to crack on and make the best of it.