For making dd16 move?

[Clarasmum444]

Long story short I can't afford to live where I currently do for much longer. DD is 16 and is just about to start college. Our options are to stay in same town in a really bad area (one where I would not feel safe living and that's honestly not an exaggeration) where the house is horrible and will be the top of my budget so i wouldnt be able to afford to do it up, or move 45 miles away and have a lovely house in a nice area. DD would rather live in bad area, I wouldn't. She won't even discuss moving away and when I tried to explain my reasons yesterday she stormed off and it ended in an argument and now we're barely speaking. I understand her point but I just don't want to live in any of the options available to us in this town.

It’s immaterial whether she says ‘ok, sure’ - the adult here needs to be able to pay a mortgage and put a roof over her head. Why are you acting as though DD needs consulting on decisions like this, or needs to give her seal of approval? Her boyfriend isn’t a consideration here either. OP needs to make the decision she thinks best and tell DD what will be happening. It’s not a discussion as though DD is an equal player, she’s not. DD can figure it out from there. She’s a teenager with agency and can travel if she wants to visit friends. OP’s financial concerns are paramount here.

Stop all the pandering conversations. Tell her she's 16 years old and has no say in the matter. You've done what's needed to enable her to stay at the same college and that's that.

I mean you've picked the shittest time ever to announce this.

Really? Shittier than if she'd announced it in the middle of GCSEs?

If 16yos are old enough to vote, they are old enough to understand and experience the realities of adult life and adult decisions. Otherwise what do they base their voting decisions on?

Of course the financial issues are paramount, but that doesn’t mean disregarding the feelings of her daughter. You can make a hard, unpopular choice while recognising the impact on others and having empathy for them.

Acknowledging her daughter’s feelings is one thing. Allowing that to dictate house moves and financial decisions is another matter.

How long is the train journey? How regular are the trains? It sounds like you don't have any choice but to move. It is understandable that your daughter is upset. Every part of her life is changing at the moment. However she is only going to be in college for two more years and then could move away. Her relationship may or may not work out. I would not be buying in an area I did not want to live. You need to think of the long-term as well.

I would move if the commute is under and hour then it will be fine. I commuted to college an hour. Actually I commuted to school in an hour too.
The course is two years and I take it you wouldnt be able to afford to move now and then move again in two years. The house is much more long term than that.
The other option would be to rent your current property out and rent somewhere cheaper for two years.

She was never going to be happy.
I think you stick to fact, whilst acknowledging her feelings.
We have stayed here whilst you finished school. In Sept I am putting the house on the market because we can't afford the mortgage. Once the house is sold, I will be looking for our new home. It is likely to be in X. That means that you will have to go into college on the train. I get that you are not happy but we will take it one step at a time.
Grit your teeth and do it.

Can you and daughter share a bedroom and rent out the other room to a lodger? Would that help you pay the bills for now?

Given that if may take a year from now to selling, could you rent something tiny in a bad area while she finishes the second year of the course?

If neither of these work then you have to move. Can she delay starting college until you move? I know technically she should be in education but as far as I hear and read on mumsnet....no one checks.

Is dad local? Can she stay with him while she is at college?

I think all you can do is manage her feelings as best as you can because obviously keeping a roof over your heads has to be the priority. Don't dismiss how she feels, being able to come and go to see friends and boyfriends is always going to be preferable to having to get a lift from mum and a commute to college isn't going to be life enhancing. Just try to get through it.

Yep.
When she pays- she gets to decide.,

Move and be happy or lose your home.

In the end preserving the financial stability and housing of your family is non negotiable so she will have to accept it even if its non ideal. If she is only going in 3 days a week its really not that bad. Also, 100% it is about the boyfriend.

Have to say I agree with this. She's still going to be within commuting distance of her college and friends. I am very surprised at the number of people who think that a 16 year old being inconvenienced by a longer commute trumps her parent's concrete financial limits and inability to continue to pay her mortgage.

Yes but with the caveat that the OP has to understand how hard this will be for the daughter. How can she make it easier? Promise to drive her to see friends at weekends? Find a way to stay at the same college? Find a compromise… a nice ish house 20 mins away?

OP, she is allowed to be upset about it and probably needs time to think about it. I'd be compassionate and sympathetic about that, without giving in on the finances if it's just not doable for you to stay.

Ultimately it’s not her choice.

Tell her you’ve heard her, you know she is upset and worried and does not want to move.

Tell her this is your decision - you pay for the house, you know the most about your finances, and you are making the choice about what is going to be the best for both of you. This is a decision for the bill-payer, not a discussion or negotiation.

Reiterate how you will reduce the impact on her (season ticket etc), that you believe this is for the best, and then let her get on with sulking/processing for a while.

So if I read this right she will have 4 days a week spare ? How much would you need her to contribute from a part time job to enable you both to remain in your home ? I know it's not ideal when she will see other young adults being fully supported by parents. How mature is she and how do you feel about it ? Personally I'm an advocate of having young adults learn to contribute asap but not everyone agrees with that.

I don’t see anyone saying the daughter’s feelings trump financial reality. The OP is posting like her daughter is being completely unreasonable in not wanting to move - she can’t expect her daughter to be happy with such a move. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t do it but a bit of compassion goes a long way.

How long is the train commute? if it’s an hour that’s reasonable. That’s what mine was for years. Two hours out of life per day though is a pest.

When she gets a job it’s reasonable to expect to commute so while it’s not ideal it’s something that young people should have on the horizon. She may just have to start commuting early.

Do you drive ie can you go get her i there are any issues or it’s late etc and the trains are on strike/leaves on the line etc? Or is she scared she will be stuck in the dodgy area? How will you feel when it’s 10pm and you know shes there and she’s not answering her phone?

Is there any alternative choice like 20mims commute or something in say the opposite direction or is it too dear/crap there?

@Jellycatspyjamas The AIBU is "... for making DD move", not "for being annoyed that DD doesn't want to move". That's the question I'm answering. I don't think OP's kid is unreasonable for being upset.

And I have read several posts along the lines of "but can't you just hang in there for two years" or "of course she's sad, can't you find a way" which I think kind of does suggest that DD's feelings trump OP's and OP just isn't trying hard enough.

For those saying I'm not showing compassion, believe me I am to her. I'm just being factual on here explaining certain points raised.

I don't expect her to be happy about and and I certainly do not think she's being unreasonable either!

Her dad lives a 2hr 38min commute to college away with his new family which is longer and includes 2 buses and a train journey which would be worse.

Also, I don't want to leave my home that I love, to change my job that I love! I have no choice.

Really she would only have max 2 days spare, unless you are seriously thinking the OP gets her daughter to essentially be working 7 days a week. 3 days at college isn't the OP"s daughter being some sort of layabout/having a jolly. If the daughter does it right, college will be a lot of work.

Move and be happy