To think I’m not a nice person?

[He1h]

I CAN be nice but overall I don’t think I am. There are genuine sentiments I feels where I want to do the right thing or where I feel genuine empathy towards someone. Mainly family or close friends which I guess is normal.

But there’s so many things I hear about where I basically can’t understand how anyone could be bothered… examples…

Stepping on a snail or killing a spider in your home. I feel nothing, maybe a mild acknowledgment that it’s a bit cruel but a few seconds later I’m over it.

My friend’s family pet died when she was in her late twenties and she was devastated for around 3 weeks. I thought it was ridiculous (I didn’t say that obviously).

People getting bothered when they’re above the age of 18 and their birthday can’t be celebrated on that specific day.. who cares?!

Gender reveals… I literally could not give a fuck what gender your baby is, I do not want to have a ‘reveal’ because I am simply not interested.

When someone’s child is crying at a park of soft play because they want the toy my child has…I have zero compassion and just want said child to go away.

Whoever is about to cross the road and I could slow down and stop, I don’t, even if elderly. I simply don’t care.

If my toddler needs to use the disabled bathroom when we are out, and the baby changing is in there, I will actively rush past a wheelchair user on their way in (if I can manage it in a socially acceptable way). I don’t care that they may need it more than me/DD.

There’s lots more. I can be very kind and considerate but largely I think I’m mostly about myself/immediate family and couldn’t care less about anything else. I often think I will make up for this shitty behaviour later on in life. Then of course I don’t. How awful are these things? Am I just a bit shit?

My ex used to say that he wasn't a nice person. I thought he just needed reassurance.
No, he was right.

I've definitely got more selfish as I've got older. I'm not entirely convinced this is altogether a bad thing.

But also, I'm massively more tired! Often I'm hanging on by the ends of my fingernails just to make it through to bedtime, and I don't feel I have the energy/bandwidth to deal with anything extra. Like, I would certainly walk a bit quicker to get to a toilet first rather than having to entertain a stinky toddler for an unknown period of time.

Maybe you're not a psychopath, maybe you're just tired, worn-down and possibly depressed?

I had trouble behaving empathetically before I started therapy and within a few months I started feeling truly debilitating levels of empathy for everyone and everything and I really had to learn how to feel the empathy without it derailing me completely. Turns out I had been numbing my emotional responses to everything for decades because it was the only way I could cope with the environment I grew up in, where I was surrounded by a lot of suffering. Maybe you're just a horrible person, or maybe you're emotionally numb. Either way, have therapy for your kid's sake.

You can’t help feeling how you feel, that’s just how you’re made. But it’s up to you how to behave. Those are the choices that define you. You know well enough what you should do. It’s just simply practising a habit after that.

You can be not a nice person but still kind. I suspect I’m on the sociopathy spectrum but I pride myself on being a good person, not because I care particularly, but because being kind makes the world a nicer place to live in, which ultimately benefits me; I like the order, so to speak, and I like people, even if I feel no empathy for most of them

You sound awful. Hope that helps.

You sound like a ‘not nice’ person to me.

We need less of your kind for sure. I hope you at least pretend to be pleasant in front of your child?

It’s people like you who make me hope karma is real! Pushing in front of a disabled person, you should be ashamed.

@He1h Some of your examples (like celebrating birthdays or gender reveals) are trivial and most people don't care about those things either.

However, other examples show a disturbing lack of compassion and empathy. Based on your examples, I agree that you are not a nice person.

A lot of character building comes from suffering and thought. So once something bad happens to you (most people go through deeply unpleasant and traumatic events during their lives), you may start to develop compassion and maturity. At the moment, you appear to have a lack of maturity, which is why your brain is unable to process the feelings of other people.

I was with you until the disabled person example. Stopping in random places to let people cross the road would be unusual (and annoying for the driver behind you as well).

How about - imagine you were in a hospital visiting a relative, and a patient was in there very distressed, calling for her mother. The patient is very old, her mother must be dead. Would you feel at all moved by that?

You’re probably one of those people where the recipient/victim of your ‘couldn’t care less’ attitude thinks you're an ignorant twat and then they just go about their day.

I’m wondering what you mean about not letting people cross, when you do stop at pedestrian crossings. Are you talking about random ‘jay walking’ or for example when someone is waiting to cross a road you are turning into? A good excuse to remind that the Highway Code was updated to give pedestrians priority here, so you may be an irresponsible driver as well as a bad person.

Separately, you may have noticed no one cares what unkind thoughts you have in your head, it’s your behaviour that matters. Please don’t push in front of disabled people to get to the disabled toilet.

I think you sound slightly less community minded than the average woman and about normal for the average bloke. I suspect you just haven’t internalized as much guilt as most women, but I also think women get more out of societies that are more community minded because of their childcare role, so may, on average, be hardwired that way more than men.

The whole point of many of our laws and social norms is to push people into being “nicer” than they really feel, for everyone’s benefit. And it works on you in many ways - you only rush past the wheel chair user if you can do it a sociably acceptable way. You stop for pedestrians where you’re legally obligated to. Etc.

It sounds like people/society fatigue to me.
The more of us there are the more common this is.

@Redflagsabounded life has been a bit shit in the last few years really. Let down by people and work been pretty awful. Very competitive environment and after having dd I just see misogyny everywhere. I feel defensive and like people are out to get me all the time

Excuses

You do you.
Actions have consequences, you wouldn't be someone who I would like or want to be friends with.
I dislike selfish people.
Not that you would care.

@NotTerfNorCis yes that would likely bring a tear to my eye and I would thinking about it for a while afterwards. But it would also depend on the day. If I was feeling rubbish and defensive at the world it’s likely that wouldn’t affect me as much and I would feel less

@He1h life has been a bit shit in the last few years really. Let down by people and work been pretty awful. Very competitive environment and after having dd I just see misogyny everywhere. I feel defensive and like people are out to get me all the time

I have had shit experiences in the workplace too, which affect me every single day.

My shit experiences with employers and bosses who don't give a shit, and who lack compassion and understanding, changed my ethics and values. It led me to value compassion far more and made me a more compassionate person, because now I understand why I should never be like my former employers and managers.

Why has the same not happened with you?

Have you been hurt a lot by people in the past…..you sound like you don’t like people, aside from your family

Do you have many fiends?

Do you have a husband?

@SillyQuail do you mind me asking what sort of therapy you had to open up your feelings in this way?

@Someone2025 i have a partner and lots of friends but don’t get on massively well with family (though do see them)

@shuggles im not sure. That’s what I’m trying to work out

Maybe you're just a weapons-grade dickhead?

Yeah, you do sound quite selfish.
Esp re disregard for the elderly crossing the road and the disabled.
Good that you are recognising that.