To think I’m not a nice person?

[He1h]

I CAN be nice but overall I don’t think I am. There are genuine sentiments I feels where I want to do the right thing or where I feel genuine empathy towards someone. Mainly family or close friends which I guess is normal.

But there’s so many things I hear about where I basically can’t understand how anyone could be bothered… examples…

Stepping on a snail or killing a spider in your home. I feel nothing, maybe a mild acknowledgment that it’s a bit cruel but a few seconds later I’m over it.

My friend’s family pet died when she was in her late twenties and she was devastated for around 3 weeks. I thought it was ridiculous (I didn’t say that obviously).

People getting bothered when they’re above the age of 18 and their birthday can’t be celebrated on that specific day.. who cares?!

Gender reveals… I literally could not give a fuck what gender your baby is, I do not want to have a ‘reveal’ because I am simply not interested.

When someone’s child is crying at a park of soft play because they want the toy my child has…I have zero compassion and just want said child to go away.

Whoever is about to cross the road and I could slow down and stop, I don’t, even if elderly. I simply don’t care.

If my toddler needs to use the disabled bathroom when we are out, and the baby changing is in there, I will actively rush past a wheelchair user on their way in (if I can manage it in a socially acceptable way). I don’t care that they may need it more than me/DD.

There’s lots more. I can be very kind and considerate but largely I think I’m mostly about myself/immediate family and couldn’t care less about anything else. I often think I will make up for this shitty behaviour later on in life. Then of course I don’t. How awful are these things? Am I just a bit shit?

@Teanbiscuits33 i really really want to change it. I never used to be like this. I used to be really generous and kind and understanding of others.

I feel a bit like you, I have become more and more selfish and cynical as I have got older, I trust very few people and almost look for the badness in people immediately rather looking for their positive attributes

This is quite interesting really because circumstances definitely can make people behave more selfishly- Covid and the toilet roll obsession for example.

Still think the pushing past the wheelchair user is beyond the pale, but interesting to think about how wider context can negatively drive behaviours. Almost like an over active, animalistic survival instinct.

You'll get it back in spades. In fact it has already started.

Not really. Just attention-seeking. Some great ideas here, though ... I reckon I could beat most women with toddlers to the loo with the changing-room.

most of these are totally normal and relatable, I agree with all of them to various degrees, except for the last one which is franky bizarre and bordering on psychotic

Every time you find yourself wanting to push past a wheelchair user to get to the disabled
Toilet ; or sling your feet on to a public transport seat etc… just turn to your daughter.

Shell be watching. And learning

@Mysticguru any chance of any guidance?

@He1h You are probably a sociopath. You can learn to ‘model’ empathy (without necessarily feeling it fully), which possibly accounts for your younger self, but not so much currently. So you are indeed 'a bit shit', but it might help to understand why. Change is possible with insight.

But you get that the person in the wheelchair might really need to use the restroom whereas your child could wait a few minutes to get their diaper changed, correct? You don't care if that person soils themselves because you wanted to change your child's diaper?

I generally think a little bit of kindness goes a long way. Yes it takes a little bit of effort to stop for someone crossing the road (guessing you mean not at an actual crossing), but perhaps that little bit of kindness slightly made their day better.

I have a busy job dealing with the public (healthcare) and there are times i’m rushed off my feet and an elderly person is chatting away to me. I will generally always chat back (even if it delays what im doing) because it might be their only chance for a chat that day. Small things really do matter. I think you realise that more the older you get.

The only example given I can relate to would be about birthdays. Im always happy to celebrate anytime around my birrhday with family and friends and certainly wouldn’t make a fuss if it wasn’t exactly on my day. I suppose that’s just being an adult and realising everyone has busy lives and most important thing is to be together - date doesn’t matter to me.

Do you think there is a reason you lack alot of empathy or don’t see the value in small kind acts to others?

There is a crossing near me on a very busy main road and people regularly jump the red light and have no compunction about pedestrians . I have nearly been hit a few times and always wondered about the mentality of people who do this. Utterly selfish risk takers with no care for anyone

You don’t care? Your baby has a nappy on wheelchair users can’t wait to use to loo a baby can.

I would say it’s poor manners rather than sociopathy.

Sometimes I worry out loud to my DH that I'm not a nice person. He says "No one is a nice person. Get over it" 💗

Yes you’re awful. Do you have some kind of shame kink? What do you expect us all to say?
I feel sorry for your kids.

I haven't read the other comments YET but here's my very first impression of you from that one post

You sound like someone who hasn't been cared about or prioritised, and as a defence mechanism you "aren't bothered" and "don't see the point" in actions and events that usually rally people around other people in a supportive or celebratory way

It’s not necessarily the manners, it’s the context. Not understanding others’ feelings is not the same as understanding them and still being rude. Sociopathy is a range, a spectrum, and OP would not score at the extreme end. Co-morbidity with other traits is also common, and can cloud the picture.

I think all the examples apart from the last one are not unusual (personally I’d feel awful stepping on a snail but lots of people wouldn’t).

The road crossing one I think people are picturing an official crossing but it sounds like you’re referring to people just wanting to cross at random points in the road.

That last one though is cold. That’s on a different level to the other examples. Is it possible that since having a child you’ve wired your brain into ‘survival’ mode?

This is pretty worrying OP. 😬😳

Not stopping at a crossing is illegal. Not letting a disabled person into a toilet and actively trying to deliberately push past them is bordering on cold sociopath tendencies in a way.

Why do you think you are better than anyone else? What makes you do these things and actively be unkind?

It's pretty horrible.

That is a depressing thought

You do sound fairly horrible and unkind. My elderly father is in a wheelchair and no pedestrian crossings near his house so we rely at busy times on kind drivers slowing down to let us cross the main road. You have no idea just how appreciated it is. Then there are arseholes like you who would probably speed up.
I don’t understand your thinking to be honest and hope I never meet you

Or the poor crushed snail.

All living creatures feel pain and I’m always devastated if I’ve caused it, or even if I just witness it. I wish these things didn’t bother me so much - it makes my life difficult. Op’s life will certainly be easier and less complicated if they don’t worry about such things.

I agree psychopathy sounds possible.

See my previous post. I suspect I’m on the sociopathy spectrum, and I still think behaving like this shows bad manners and a slovenly, selfish outlook. I think a sociopath would take my more pride in how they are perceived