To think I’m not a nice person?

[He1h]

I CAN be nice but overall I don’t think I am. There are genuine sentiments I feels where I want to do the right thing or where I feel genuine empathy towards someone. Mainly family or close friends which I guess is normal.

But there’s so many things I hear about where I basically can’t understand how anyone could be bothered… examples…

Stepping on a snail or killing a spider in your home. I feel nothing, maybe a mild acknowledgment that it’s a bit cruel but a few seconds later I’m over it.

My friend’s family pet died when she was in her late twenties and she was devastated for around 3 weeks. I thought it was ridiculous (I didn’t say that obviously).

People getting bothered when they’re above the age of 18 and their birthday can’t be celebrated on that specific day.. who cares?!

Gender reveals… I literally could not give a fuck what gender your baby is, I do not want to have a ‘reveal’ because I am simply not interested.

When someone’s child is crying at a park of soft play because they want the toy my child has…I have zero compassion and just want said child to go away.

Whoever is about to cross the road and I could slow down and stop, I don’t, even if elderly. I simply don’t care.

If my toddler needs to use the disabled bathroom when we are out, and the baby changing is in there, I will actively rush past a wheelchair user on their way in (if I can manage it in a socially acceptable way). I don’t care that they may need it more than me/DD.

There’s lots more. I can be very kind and considerate but largely I think I’m mostly about myself/immediate family and couldn’t care less about anything else. I often think I will make up for this shitty behaviour later on in life. Then of course I don’t. How awful are these things? Am I just a bit shit?

This is a "reverse", of a sort: not an individual, but it's what Most People in society are like. Right OP?

OP I do relate to many of your examples, not because I am like that now, but because I was like that when a kid/adolescent. I remember being pleased when I heard on the news about people dying in some catastrophe as I felt people were a blight on the planet and on the environment and pretty much irredeemable. I think if I hadn't intervened in my own development, I probably would have ended up with a similar 'what's wrong with me?' list to you. The exception was that I always cared a great deal about animals and the environment -- plenty of compassion to spare there, just none for my fellow humans.

Quite dispassionately I decided I did not want to go through life like this.

Then, for unrelated reasons, I learned meditation (not to 'fix' my sociopathic tendencies but out of curiosity and to try to fix my crap sleep!) and as an unexpected side benefit, I started to develop compassion generally. I actually felt my heart sort of opening up, to everybody, not just my nearest and dearest. Now, that sociopathic kid that I used to be seems like a different person.

I don't tell this story to boast, but out of gratitude that something turned me around and put me on a different course. Feel free to direct-message me if you want to know more. But in the meantime, thanks for being honest and I suspect that you (and 'kid' me) are not alone. But I do know that things can change, sometimes intentionally but sometimes not (directly) intentionally.

"Nice" is not a very specific word ...I don't think you sound very caring, thoughtful or compassionate...they are all things you could choose to work on if you wanted.

Many people feel this way (myself included) but it doesn’t mean you should take it out on disabled people who need to use the facilities specifically made for them and not you. It may not sound fair but you need to strive to maintain consideration of others in face of experiencing the opposite from the situations you have described, work, etc. No one is asking you to be Jesus, but the disabled toilet thing is quite serious.

Have you ever thought about saving your ‘not-nice’ behaviour solely to those who are not nice to you and spare everyone else?

Plus, people don’t actually care about gender reveals. They are only an excuse to celebrate with family and friends. You would have been invited because you’re important in some way to the expectant parents. They only care about a having a healthy baby at the end of the day. The point is that you’re just there to add to the celebrations.

Have you noticed over the past few years that you’re slowly losing friends? Or has there been no difference?

Do you even want to change?

I think most are understandable. I grew up on a farm. There was no mercy for pests and no regret, although we were told it was unlucky to kill a spider.

Not slowing down, I'm on the fence about. It depends. I guess each case is different.

The one that concerns me is indulging your toddler holding on to something someone else wants. Turn taking is a social skill. Lack of social skills will cause friendship problems. Lack of turn taking could lead to a sense of entitlement. Would you feel able to say, "You have it for ten more minutes and then let XXX have it." In fairness these soft play areas are hell.

You don’t sound like a very nice person.
There could be a lot of reasons for this, perhaps you have an undiagnosed mental health condition or maybe unresolved trauma.
You have two options. If it bothers you, seek counselling and take steps to improve yourself.
The second option is to just accept you aren’t good person and carry on the way you are. If that is what you choose to do then you also need to accept all the potential ramifications of that. For example, not having friends, potential future estrangement from your children and loneliness in old age, a bad reputation and being widely disliked.
Are you a spiritual or religious person? How does your behaviour align with those beliefs? If you believe there is an afterlife then what you do in this life will have very long lasting consequences!

This is exactly what came to my mind.

Probably because you haven’t bothered to read OP’s posts - specifically the ones that says that she does stop at pedestrian crossings - she was talking about people trying to cross at random places.

Some people really enjoy the opportunity of kicking someone else when they’re down - as evidenced by this thread. Ironically to try and demonstrate how ‘nice’ they are.

This might be the first promising thing you’ve said about yourself. You are showing feelings of guilt and shame for your behavior, and above that you recognize the bad behavior itself to begin with.

I would guess that you grew up in a household with either parents that modeled the type of behavior you describe, or you experienced neglect.

You are not a lost cause if you start doing the right think. Rewire your brain through repeatedly following through with choices that reflect who you want to be.

And for every time your natural instincts rise to take away this attempt to better yourself, then employ your creative mind to imagine the consequences of your actions for the other person(s) involved. Imagine the worst outcomes and play out the scenario in your head.

get into therapy as soon as possible. A parent who has underdeveloped empathy, who models unempathetic behavior to children could cause worse behaviors to develop in their own child, especially if there is a strong genetic trait passed down.

I said that because a while ago I saw a documentary of a woman who spoke about how she felt indifferent to a lot of scenarios, lack of empathy giving lots of examples and she went and got help and now although she knows she is a sociopath, she can manage things. What's wrong in saying that's what came to my mind. If OP seeks help and can manage it better, isn't that good?

UANBU in your assumption that you are a horrible person or at least you are making yourself sound horrible for the sake of this post.

Make a start by not actively trying to beat a disabled person to the disabled toilets.

DD will be fine for 5 minutes whilst the person that actually has no other choice but to use the disabled toilet does so.

Really gross behaviour from you, and your daughter will pick up on it & emulate it. Then I guess you’ll have a couple of feelings - embarrassment & shame.

Make a start by not actively trying to beat a disabled person to the disabled toilets.

DD will be fine for 5 minutes whilst the person that actually has no other choice but to use the disabled toilet does so.

Really gross behaviour from you, and your daughter will pick up on it & emulate it. Then I guess you’ll have a couple of feelings - embarrassment & shame.

Op I think you k ow these things are wrong so stop doing them. How would you like to
be stepped on by a giant person who does GAF

Imagine being on a train with your mum (the Op) and she slings her feet with shoes on, on to the seat opposite. Like a twatty rude poorly brought up 14 year old.

You are clearly a nasty person! One day you will need the help of others...let's hope Karma comes back to bite you.

You wait until AFTER the disabled person has used it. The baby can wait 5 more minutes and so can you. They might not be able to. That is real assh*le behaviour.

I think you are possibly displaying sociopathic tendencies.
Sociopathic tendencies, often associated with Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), involve a consistent disregard for the rights and feelings of others, a lack of empathy, and a tendency towards manipulative and deceitful behavior.
Do you think this applies to you?

Please stop with the amateur psychology. @He1h sounds like she has become emotionally numb and there could be many reasons why that could have happened. I think that a trip to the GP is in order and perhaps a few sessions with a therapist to find out what's going on. My (very amateur) guess is that there might be stress behind the change of behaviour and numbness. And it can be helped.

@He1h, if you are concerned about yourself, please take some steps towards finding help (even from online sources) and have joy return to your life.

I do think you are describing sociopathic tendencies here OP. Not usually something you can change inherently but you can modify to be more socially acceptable

Please stop with the amateur psychology

Remember this is Mumsnet where everyone who’s moderately annoying is a narc. Stands to reason everyone who’s inconsiderate would be labelled antisocial personality disorder 🤷‍♀️

I would say that you might have narcissistic or psychopathic tendencies, although the only time you were outright mean in your examples is the disabled person. You would not be able to classify yourself as a nice person per say, but also not as malicious or all sorts of other nasty bits. If you are aware of this you might want to looking into why or what has caused this in you or if its simply how your brain is wired. You might have been taught from a young age to look after you and yours etc. Good that you are aware at least. Good luck.

Hi OP you’re very self aware. I wonder if other people actually care or if they just do what they think / have been taught is right, rather than inherent ‘goodness’.

IMO the fact thst you are asking the question shows self awareness and that self awareness means you could change if you were motivated to do so. There's a difference between not feeling something, and how you behave or what you say. I find it difficult to care about things that other people seem to find important, but care deeply about things that other people do not seem to care about, but I try to behave well . I sometimes think I am a bit psychopathic/sociopathic- has to be a soectrum, right? Read Mark Ronson's book on this...