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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hostile and entitled man hijacking my table

596 replies

BluntPlumHam · 14/08/2025 16:22

I stopped to have some lunch at a busy market where there is a lot of seating however often taken up so some waiting around.

Often a woman dining on her own or having coffee may ask to share a table which I always agree to.

I was sat at a table for 4 already eating.

Man and woman approach and ask if they can share my table.

I asked is it just you two and pointed at the seats opposite me and he nodded. So I said ok because it was super busy.

Seconds later a third person joins and I’m now encircled by their group. I took my headphones out and said hang on you didn’t say there were three of you?

He immediately got hostile and red in the face and said you need to go find a table for one person.

I put my cutlery down and said you need to move. He started blathering on about being allowed to voice his opinion and I just said no and firmly said leave because I wasn’t about to engage in a discussion or argument with this man child.

He started throwing a tantrum exclaiming that he’s not leaving puffing his chest out etc and his wife was trying to calm him down and kept apologising to me. He was clearly ready to have a stand off with me. I just turned to her, your husband is hostile, harassing me now and I want you to all leave to which she eventually said ok and that we will go find another table. He reluctantly left but not without trying to start a fight with me I just remained firm and resilient. Just kept repeating sternly you all need to leave now and find another table.

Wife was visibly embarrassed by his behaviour and grabbed my arm and sincerely apologised.

I just feel that a certain culture of general hostility towards women is being normalised in this day and age. Although I initially allowed him to sit there when I realised this was a group I revoked that permission but men can’t take a no for an answer.

Despite me doing them a favour and letting them sit there he had the audacity to get angry with me when I questioned the third person and tell me to go find another table midway my food. They did not have their food yet.

Men feel entitled to encroach and stay in women’s personal space even when bluntly told to go. Would it have been different had I been a man, absolutely.

AIBU for making them leave.

OP posts:
WhatNoRaisins · 14/08/2025 17:21

It's a table designed for 4 and this was a 4th person wanting to use it, I don't see how that is people cramming in.

upandleftthenright · 14/08/2025 17:22

Hmm. Not your table to dictate who sits where. Overreactions on both sides

ilovesooty · 14/08/2025 17:22

Slightyamusedandsilly · 14/08/2025 17:17

Honestly, why don't posters READ the thread properly? She didn't MIND sharing. She just didn't want to be cornered by 3 people when she was there first. 2 people would have been fine.

Unfortunately, it's first come first served.

Well done @BluntPlumHam for standing up to a bullying bloke.

I have read the thread. It doesn't alter my opinion. It's not first come first served. There were three available empty seats and she had no right to stop other people sitting on them.

Coconutter24 · 14/08/2025 17:22

ComeTheMoment · 14/08/2025 16:31

No but the OP was there first. The man/group of three could have been more gracious.

What should the group of 3 been more gracious about…. Being asked to leave the table because they’re not welcome to sit there?

PotatoRato · 14/08/2025 17:22

mondaytosunday · 14/08/2025 17:19

So all those people saying she had no say over the rest of the table… say you are sitting there with your spouse and child and a stranger plonks themselves down at the fourth seat, are you really saying you wouldn’t think ‘wtf’? And if the person was a sizeable chap who then started reaching for the salt and pepper and grabbing the ketchup? I think you’d be put out but by your reasoning diners don’t ‘own’ the table (or condiments etc) so fair game?
Also he DID tell HER to move to another table once she objected.
While you are eating/drinking at a table you are in effect renting it for the duration and should indeed be able to decide who else sits there.

OP has said table sharing is normal at that venue so no, no one would think “wtf” if someone did that very normal thing.

Context is key. If someone got into the back of a car and demanded the driver take them home, I’d be like “wtf”. If that car was a taxi then I wouldn’t be.

icouldholditwithacobweb · 14/08/2025 17:23

I wouldn't like a group of 3 sitting at my table either (I would also be a lone woman in this scenario), but if it was a busy market and all seats were for paying customers and you hadn't specifically paid for all the seats at a table, YABU. Everyone has the right to sit down if there are free seats whether you like it or not. Very normal to share tables like that when places are busy. They were quite right to tell you to go find a smaller table if there were some available.

ilovesooty · 14/08/2025 17:23

PotatoRato · 14/08/2025 17:19

Everyone read it 🙄

If there are three spare seats then OP doesn’t get to dictate the use of any of those spare seats.

He wasn’t a bully - he just didn’t let OP bully him and his wife. Good for him and it’s a shame OP’s bullying won out.

Show quote history

Couldn't agree more.

Coconutter24 · 14/08/2025 17:23

BluntPlumHam · 14/08/2025 16:37

Because I’m occupying that table whilst I eat and they have no where to sit … so yes it’s a favour.

Show quote history

You’re not occupying 4 seats though. Why would you ‘allow’ 2 people to sit but not 3?

WimpoleHat · 14/08/2025 17:24

say you are sitting there with your spouse and child and a stranger plonks themselves down at the fourth seat, are you really saying you wouldn’t think ‘wtf’?

I would find it odd if there were other tables available. But if not and it was a casual cafe style arrangement with unreserved seating, then I’d expect him to say “excuse me - is anyone sitting here?” and I would say “no - please do”. Because it’s a public place and it’s not “our” table. (Whereas on the train, I’d expect him just to sit down without explanation or ceremony.)

OwlBeThere · 14/08/2025 17:27

Lovelynames123 · 14/08/2025 16:33

It's very much a social norm that you don't help yourself to a table someone else is sitting at without asking, your response is weird!

Show quote history

They DID ask. OP said yes.

itsnearly · 14/08/2025 17:27

RaraRachael · 14/08/2025 16:32

He was rude but I don't understand why it was OK for 2 other people to join you but not 3 - it was a table for 4

For me, there’s a difference between someone(s) sitting opposite and someone sitting next to me. There’s still a bit of space when people are sitting opposite you.

Original poster
BluntPlumHam · 14/08/2025 17:27

PotatoRato · 14/08/2025 17:22

OP has said table sharing is normal at that venue so no, no one would think “wtf” if someone did that very normal thing.

Context is key. If someone got into the back of a car and demanded the driver take them home, I’d be like “wtf”. If that car was a taxi then I wouldn’t be.

Show quote history

I didn’t say it’s normal. Read again. I said occasionally a lone woman would ask to share my table and I’d be ok with it when ut was busy. Not that the booth like tables are typically shared. There are loads of lone people sitting at them because that’s where the sockets are etc others don’t join them unless it’s a single person who would sit on the other end.

There is another area which is entirely communal like a bench where you can’t expect to have it to yourself but the tables absolutely not the norm for 3 to encircle 1 or vice versa.

OP posts:
Adultautismdiagnosis · 14/08/2025 17:28

tequilam0ckingbird · 14/08/2025 16:30

They are unreasonable for arguing and causing a scene, but you are unreasonable for expecting a table of 4 to yourself at a busy market place. If you want a table to yourself you should go at a quieter time.

So single people can only eat at quiet times? Absolute rubbish. We have every right to get a meal like everyone else. Not everybody has a choice but to eat alone.
However, I don't understand why you were fine for two to join you but three pushed you over the edge. Fault on both sides I reckon.

Carodebalo · 14/08/2025 17:28

YANBU OP! This was your table for the time you were eating your lunch. (What are people who dine alone to do - always share a table ‘because you were occupying 3 seats’?) It is kind to share in a busy place, and you did. Two people is manageable, a group of 3 is a crowd. You had every right to say no and well done for not being a push over, and for standing up to this man child!

dogcatkitten · 14/08/2025 17:30

You don't actually own the table because you sat there first, if you were alone there were three spare seats and they really don't need to ask anything apart from is anyone else using the other seats. It would be annoying if there were plenty of empty tables, but if it was crowded your problem. Complain to the staff if you think it was unreasonable, but they have to maximise use of seating space for customers you are not a special customer who can have two or four seats to themselves.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 14/08/2025 17:32

For those of you saying you see it as a norm to sit at table at a busy cafe where one person is already sat would never actually practice that in reality 🙄

Really? Because I'm sure I asked a lady sitting at a four person table in a crammed hospital cafe last week if I could share her table as it was literally the only free space. And she agreed without giving me the Spanish inquisition. But maybe I just dreamt it.

🙄 Indeed.

PotatoRato · 14/08/2025 17:33

Adultautismdiagnosis · 14/08/2025 17:28

So single people can only eat at quiet times? Absolute rubbish. We have every right to get a meal like everyone else. Not everybody has a choice but to eat alone.
However, I don't understand why you were fine for two to join you but three pushed you over the edge. Fault on both sides I reckon.

Show quote history

Why are you turning this into a “single” thing?

Married people go to markets alone. Single people can go out with friends. It’s not related to relationship status.

Regardless, yes. People who don’t want to share tables with strangers should:

  1. Avoid places where sharing tables is usual;
  2. Especially avoid those places at busy times;
  3. Run away theatrically when other people appear; or
  4. Travel in groups the same size as their table at all times.

Ultimately, if you can’t share nicely then don’t go to shared spaces and try to take up more than your fair share of space. Most toddlers learn that.

funinthesun19 · 14/08/2025 17:34

Is it a new thing that you can just go up to someone’s table and decide you will sit there? Some wokey thing about freedom of choice (aka do whatever tf you want) or something.
I always thought the etiquette was that you wait.

Dweetfidilove · 14/08/2025 17:34

I'm firmly on the fence on this one. You both behaved terribly and I'm sorry for the man's wife. Kinda stuck between her 'hostile' husband and apologising to the 'hostile' OP.

Themaghag · 14/08/2025 17:34

Well, I'm with you OP. I hate sharing with people I don't know, but I would probably have allowed a single woman to share. I certainly wouldn't have wanted the two men, manspreading, encroaching on my space and having a conversation around me. I think you did absolutely the right thing and that they were CFs. It wouldn't have hurt them to wait another few minutes for a vacant table. And the husband was totally out of order to throw a tantrum. Well done you for standing your ground.

LittleBitofBread · 14/08/2025 17:34

BluntPlumHam · 14/08/2025 16:36

Yep, never in my life (well traveled and lived in multiple places) have I experienced it it be ok for anyone to sit at at a table which is occupied by another person. I don’t think anyone saying otherwise would feel comfortable with random people sitting at their table with them whilst they were eating irrespective of it being a table for four.

Show quote history

Never in your life have you come across separate people/groups sharing a table in a busy food market? Confused
Are you sure you're that well-travelled? I've shared tables in this sort of set-up at, off the top of my head, Wimbledon, Borough Market, Spitalfields Market, the Time Out market in Lisbon, a food market/court in San Jose, Costa Rica...

Yes, he should have said they were three, not two, and he got unpleasant when you challenged him, but a) their party was totally within their rights to sit there if it was busy and b) I wouldn't have behaved like that if I was him, but I'd find it weird if someone objected to sharing a communal table in a busy place (whatever the 'vibe' was).

MikeRafone · 14/08/2025 17:34

I own't understand why he lied? Why lie and say yes when asked if there are only two of you and then 3rd person turns up

I rarely have an issue with people asking to join me at a table, but like the op 2 is ok but if three people turn up it means they take over & make the solo person feel uncomfortable - I don't know how to explain it other than that

he shouldn't have lied, his wife knew he was lying and was aware then he was causing an issue being hostile, lying and rude telling you to get up and move

bang out of order

tothelefttotheleft · 14/08/2025 17:35

SodOffbacktoaibu · 14/08/2025 16:59

MN gets weirder and weirder. Yanbu at all.

Being surrounded by another group when you are eating and were there first is not the norm at all. Asking if it's ok to sit there is normal. Don't think it's unreasonable to say ok to a couple but not happy being surrounded.

Angry men can just do one. Sick of it.

I agree. The responses on this thread are batshit.

ilovesooty · 14/08/2025 17:35

Adultautismdiagnosis · 14/08/2025 17:28

So single people can only eat at quiet times? Absolute rubbish. We have every right to get a meal like everyone else. Not everybody has a choice but to eat alone.
However, I don't understand why you were fine for two to join you but three pushed you over the edge. Fault on both sides I reckon.

Show quote history

I eat alone regularly. I still think the OP is in the wrong.

LittleBitofBread · 14/08/2025 17:36

Carodebalo · 14/08/2025 17:28

YANBU OP! This was your table for the time you were eating your lunch. (What are people who dine alone to do - always share a table ‘because you were occupying 3 seats’?) It is kind to share in a busy place, and you did. Two people is manageable, a group of 3 is a crowd. You had every right to say no and well done for not being a push over, and for standing up to this man child!

If group of three is a crowd why are tables with seats for four people provided?

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